Jesus Loves Me, so obviously I'll get a rose! Right? RIGHT?

The sheer desperation in last night's episode, was genuinely appalling.  Except I had to swallow that and realize, this is precisely why I watch this show!  It's entertaining!  Although, last night was kind of a snooze fest.  I also must vent on this whole Red Cross PSA business.  I'm sorry, but those in no way, shape, or form would make me excited or willing to donate blood.  And the fact that these people considered this a philanthropy project makes me want to vomit.  It ranks up there with the girls who say they want to be a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader because of the "philanthropy opportunities".  Get real people...and I digress.

We start off this epi with Brad telling us how excited he is for his upcoming dates and we see Ashley the dentist gets the date card.  If looks could kill, this girl would have died 19 times over last night.  We find out she's going to be going for a "wild ride" later.

Brad comes to pick her up, looking dashing in his clean cut suit.  And Ashley comes down the stairs in what can only be described as a cross over of Glitter Toms and Tinkerbell's skirt dyed yellow.  They head off in his Asten Martin for a little surprise.  They turn down a poorly lit, dark road and Ashley starts to hyperventilate and freak out.  Brad gets a little uncomfortable with her loud outburts of "OMG where are you taking me?" every 5 seconds and gently reminds her, you did read the date card, right?  It said be prepared for a wild ride...he's mentally wondering if he has any brown paper bags in the glove box in case things get worse.

Lo and behold, out of the wood work is every girl's dream, a traveling carnival.  Ashley impresses Brad with her carnival games skills and her ability to throw down some wine and cotton candy.  For Brad, this is his best. date. ever.  I would guess so when she starts madly making out with him and there's little to no conversation happening other than, 'you're really good looking, no you're really good looking.'  However, once the fun and wine gets tiring, Ashley wants to lay down the law and let him know that she's serious and won't let anything bring her down, not even her homeless dad.  We find that her troubled upbringing has brought out in her an intense OCD to over-succeed and not rely on anyone else.  Brad recognizes they have something in common and finally brings down his guard enough to open up to her about his own daddy issues.  I'm not quite sure how, but at some point they get over the fact that they are too much alike and decide this could really work well for them.  Recipe for disaster.  She gets a rose.

Back at the house, the next date card arrives and it's the dreaded group date for 15 girls.  Each girl in the room is cringing hoping their name will not be called.  Better no date than a group date in their book.  Michelle and I think Stacey the bartender are upstairs getting ready/complaining, which I believe will be a regular pattern for Michelle.  Michelle lets us know for the first time (and certainly not the last time) that it's her birthday. Happy freaking birthday to her.  Folks, she's not 29, she's not 31, she's 30!!  I guess she was expecting a trip to a romantic paradise for 2 since she has survived another year on this planet.  Brad comes to pick everyone up, and the birthday count is up to 2 now since she forces everyone to give her a champagne toast in the car.  They arrive at a studio where they realize they will be giving back to the community via PSA's for the Red Cross to encourage people to give blood.  This is also the time when Brad can make out with 10 different girls for the sake of charity.  All of the girls play different roles, as well as Brad.  Some of the most notable were Madison playing cat woman and Keltie playing the butch role in a body cast.  Aside from the terrible acting and make out scenes one after another, the only thing that really stood out to me in this part was Madison cracking the whip and telling Brad to "lick it" which may or may not have been scripted.  Britt, who we think is the girl next door, finds it appropriate to overcome her shyness by mauling Brad in the bed.  Stacey the bartender is pissed because she didn't get her turn.  At this point, Michelle realizes she's not getting the attention she deserves and finds a free corner to go sulk.  Brad wants to 'get to the bottom' of the situation and they have a nice chat where this never occurs.  But, Michelle says I think we should continue on this journey from this point forward, Brad agrees, and America is left to wonder what in the world just happened.

The group puts on their fancy clothes and they head to a roof top destination to have some drinks and drama.  We are confirmed that Michelle is in fact a whole big bag of crazy, and there's drama brewing between Melissa and Raichel.  Everyone's hoping for some face time with Brad, and in the end he gives the rose to Michelle.  She then performs this awkward voodoo dance in the pool with the rose taunting the other girls and holding it in her mouth with her teeth.  We later hear about 3-4 times by her, that she did in fact get the rose.

The next date card goes to Jackie, and I have no idea why.  This date was very boring, other than the fact that she did get treated like Pretty Woman.  They have a nice dinner and we find out that Jackie has only had two boyfriends in her life because she's not a skeeze and is very picky.  Brad finds this concerning for some reason, but still gives her a rose.  They have an awkward serenade from Train and Jackie says this is the best.night.ever.

Cocktail ceremony.  Ali and Roberto decide to grace us with their presence to help Brad make some tough choices.  I mentally went through the 10 degrees of separation between Brad and Ali and I realized what a big incest pool this whole thing is.  Ali and Roberto are making their necessary face time to try and make the American public believe they are still together.

Right when Brad walks in, Michelle makes a beeline to him to pull him aside for some "quality time" where she asks him what type of coffee he likes and what's in his refrigerator.  All pertinent questions when deciding if someone will be your future spouse.  I imagine if Brad had said tuna, she would be on the next plane home.  Later, Emily asks her what they talked about asks her if she's being serious or a smartass?  Valid question.

We find out a rose will be given at the cocktail party and all hell breaks loose.  Melissa and Raichel decide it's time to hash it out and call each other psycho and rally people to their side.  Little do they realize that they are each equally psycho.  However, Raichel lets us know that Jesus loves her and the Good Lord will make sure she gets a rose because she is so loved.  Nice.  Melissa decides she should take this up with Ali and Roberto and then with Brad as well.  She's crying and is a slobbering mess and let's us know she's at her breaking point, which is tough to do with her.  However, she somehow gets side-tracked and finds it necessary to tell Brad that she had 4 slices of pizza with lots of onions, nervous laugh.   This chick is crazy.  Raichel is no less crazy.  At this point I'm also wondering who the heck this Marissa chick is because she seems to be the mute that is always around when the drama hits the fan...is she the phantom of this season?

After Ali and Roberto are done interviewing they tell Brad their findings.  Emily is said to be the most genuine and she is given the rose.  I found their one-on-one time to be very awkward, including her dress that resembled 90s drapery.  Brad was noticeably flustered and fidgety and Emily looked bored.  He would compliment her, and she would say thank you for saying that as if she was unfazed.  I can't tell if she likes him or not.  She seems to be playing games.

And then the rose ceremony.  We're left to wonder who will get the final rose, and alas it goes to Britt. Britt was channeling her inner Gaga with her dress choice last night and looked like she could be a cupcake topper.  Keltie, Raichel and Melissa were given the boot.  Raichel feels it's undeserved.  Melissa thinks she's a nice person that was sabotaged because she's a threat.  Keltie just thinks she's awkward and unlovable.  She's already tried every form of dating possible and is ready to give up.  She's going to stick to the kickin', since this was her last ditch ever.  In a weird way, I was sad to see Keltie go.  The other two further confirmed why they were sent home.  Madison the vampire survives another round.  The rest of the roses go to: Alli, Ashley S., Chantal, Kimberly (you don't know her), Lindsay (other than being the red-head you don't know her either), Lisa M., Marissa, Megan (why??), Sarah P. (you don't know her), Shawntel, and Stacey.

Let's fasten our seatbelts for next week's epi.