#BachelorRecap. #FinalATFR

--> #Nationwideviewingparty, #bigsurprisecoming, #cantwait.  Or can I?  I’ve decided I’m going to hashtag this recap for summary purposes.

We leave the studio audience that’s been practicing their cheering/facials and are transported to Thailand.  Doves are fluttering, love is in the air.  Sean’s hoping his family can help him make his decision.  I’m sure his family is excited they get a trip to Thailand out of it.

I’m jealous of Kenzie and Smith at this moment.  #They’refiveandbeenmoreplacesthanIhave.

Catherine is described as weird and funny to his parents.  Could you not have thought of a better adjective??  Mom says he should already know who it’s going to be if there’s a proposal coming.  Sean says, you would think that, but no.  #Mamabearworries.

Catherine arrives and is a ball of nerves.  She wants to make a good first impression.  Don’t worry.  Sean already told them you’re weird.  Papa bear asks if she ever played sports, and she says she played football in 6^th grade on an all boys team until she broke a bone.  Papa bear just can’t believe it, it’s all so amazing.

Sissy Shay asks what she was expecting coming on the show.  She talks about knowing this would be a ‘trip’ but wasn’t expecting these feelings.  #Bachelorphenomenon.

Mama Bear and Catherine have some one on one time to discuss Catherine’s development of feelings.  I think Mama Bear is assured she’s in l.o.v.e. with her boy.  She gives her seal of approval in 10 minutes and says she can see her in their family.

Papa Bear asks Cath if she believes in the Bachelor Franchise.  Loaded question.  She says she believes in a big, great love.  Let’s hope it’s not the kind of big love like the tv show.  Papa Bear wants to test to see if she’s in love and what she thinks she and Sean have is forever.  Papa Bear says, if Sean chooses you, you’ll never have a bigger fan than me.  I’ll support you no matter what.  #Muffin.

I’d say this was meeting the family success.

Lindsay’s turn.  I must say, looks-wise, she fits in much better with this cookie cutter American family.  It would be cool to see Sean spice it up with some color though J

I feel like the family is wearing the exact same outfits as yesterday, just in brighter colors…#PackinglightinThailand.  The Lowe’s are curious about the limousine/wedding dress business.  Lindsay can tell she just walked in to Pleasantville and hopes they like her and that she fits in.

Papa Bear starts in about love, but wants to know how she differentiates between love and real, lasting love.  Lindsay says ‘you just know’.  Then Papa Bear takes on the role of pre-marital counselor and asks what you do when a married couple doesn’t agree on something.  She says marriage is compromise coupled with prayer and communication.  #PapaBear’swonover.  Papa Bear tells her that he and his wife have prayed for Sean’s wife since the day he was born and if it’s her they will be so happy.  #Muffin.

Lindsay gets crazy and asks Papa Bear if she can have Sean’s hand in marriage.  #Itprobablysoundedfunnierinyourhead.

Lindsay talks about how the stars have aligned and everything has matched up with Sean to Mama Bear.  She wants to know if Sean has opened up to her and if they can talk about different subjects.  #Weirdphrasingofquestions.  #Lindsay’ssheddinglotsoftears…

Sean is torn emotionally.  Lindsay is the missing puzzle piece, but Catherine is the world to him.  #Youcan’tmarryboth.  Papa Bear and Mama Bear say you can’t make a wrong choice.  Mama Bear says don’t feel pressured for a proposal though.  #Momworries.

Mama Bear wants to know where his head’s at and what’s going in to the decision-making.  Sean says thanks, but no thanks to her wise advice and just says, I need your support.  You’ve had 20 minutes with them.  #Burn.  #MamaBeartears.  They take a walk, #Passionpit.

Holy tank top.  Gorillas in tank tops are not attractive.  Lindsay’s got the shorty pink cut offs and tied gray tank.  #Bravewearinggraywhenitshotoutside.  They’re going river-rafting on the Mekong.  Sean plays tour guide.  He probably has no idea what he’s talking about but she doesn’t know the difference.  Sean tells her that his family loves her.  Sean is so awkward and just stares a lot.  #Makesmeuncomfortable.  Giggles.  Maybe it’s the champagne??  These poor boat paddlers. 

Lindsay: What do you think we’ll look like when we’re older?

Sean:  I’m going to be friggin’ handsome.  #Barf

Lindsay pulls out the red dress for dinner.  She gets a ‘you look cute.’  Say beautiful for the love…Lindsay says this is the biggest night of her life.  Then they make out and whisper to each other.  She confesses she’s nervous and wishes she knew what he’s thinking.  Her surprise is paper lanterns up in the sky.  The 3 keys to their marriage are love, happiness and family.  #Where’stheoneforJesus?

Sean protests too much and says Lindsay is the one.  Hope you’re right or you’ll have trouble explaining this…

Live with Chris, I see some former contestants.  What up Jackie and Lesley.

Sean is torn up again.  He grabs his favorite Barney shirt and aw that’s cute, she’s wearing purple too.  Sean is looking for a sign.  #PressuretimeCathy

Catherine talks about touching an elephant and how they’re just roaming around.  They’re going to ride Asian elephants.  #I’mpartialtoAfricanElephants.  Riding elephants is pretty boss.  #ImissAfrica.

They drink champagne in a tree house that overlooks the green landscape and mountains.  Catherine talks about the excitement of after the show, engagement parties.  They talk about what it will be like 50 years from now, #RememberthattimeinThailand?

Catherine knows tonight’s a big deal and wants to make sure he knows how she feels about him.  #Forever.  Sean is trying to make it casual and talking about the awesomeness of the day.  Catherine is distracted by her feelings.  She’s scared to talk about feelings, but knows there’s a lot on the line.  Cathy’s afraid to say ‘I love you’ first because it tends to backfire on her.  In the last moments, she says it.  Cue dramatic music.  She doesn’t feel her love is reciprocated.  #Tears.  #you’reontheBachelorwherethere’szeroreciprocation.

I feel for your Catherine.  For reals.  I don’t care what the audience has to say.  Glossing over.

We get to see Sean lotion up.  I’m sure Neil Lane’s not far off. #FFtodecisiontime.  We’ll, pause for the ring he picks…Sean gets the cushion cut.  Good choice.  Choice of tie?  Not so good…

Both girls are looking for their love to be returned.  Only one will get that luxury.  Was it planned that one would pick silver and one would pick gold?!  It has to be a sign!  #BachelorOlympics

3 of 4 former contestants think Lindsay.  #Letsseewhostepsoutfirst.  #seanhastears

#BACHELOROLYMPICS #FORTHEWIN.  Silver is still second place.  Her voice over is killer.  Um, sorry, you’re not getting engaged today.  Oopsies.

Sean to Lindsay: I want to give you my heart so bad, but it’s leading me somewhere else.  As of yesterday I didn’t know what I was going to do.  Prayed for clarity and I think I’ve finally gotten it.  I have to say goodbye to you.  It’s by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.  I love you, that’s the hardest part.  #DontsayIloveyouwhenyoudumpsomeone.  #Cruel.

She tells him to stop.  Was it me?  So sad.  I think she’s in shock.  I’m just going to go.  This is my nightmare.  I didn’t see this coming.  I’m happy for you, that you found love.  But I can’t see my life without you, so I’m going to have to figure that out.  #Shetakeshershoesoffforthelongwalktothecar.  I don’t think she cried at all.  Kind of surprised by that.  Sean did all the crying.  #Thisislikereallysad.

Harrison passes off a note from Catherine.  Then cut.  Thanks ABC for trying to make this more dramatic than necessary.  Here comes the gold.  Sean: I don’t want to say goodbye anymore.  I want to spend the rest of my life telling you I love you and making you feel like the most special and beautiful woman in the world.  Catherine, will you marry me?  #Engaged.  Did she just say I’m so addicted to you? #Uncomfortable.  They leave on an elephant.  #Awesome.  Catherine gets her beefcake.

ATFR.  Chris Harrison: The best part of this is I don’t have to see you naked ever again. #Truth.

Sean’s ready to love Catherine and to be with her. Lindsay comes out in an off-white lacy number.  He doesn’t have closure for Lindsay.  There’s nothing that went wrong, he’s just in love with Cathy.

Lindsay thought they had what they both wanted.  What was missing?  They both prayed and got vastly different answers.  He couldn’t say goodbye to Catherine, but he could to you.  #Ouch.  Lindsay realllllly wants specifics and Sean sure doesn’t have anything to give.

She tells Chris that her faith got her through the heartbreak.  America loves the girl that ditches the heels on her exit.

Sean is super excited to see Catherine.  Reunited and it feels so good.  She finally gets to wear the ring after months.  Sean’s got some lipstick on from transference.  They watch their proposal.  #Tears.  Sean had to remind her to look at the ring.  Her beefcake has gone soft.  They’re getting married on tv…I’ve lost some respect for them in this moment.  #ChrisHarrison’sordained.

Our New Bachelorette?  Surprise, surprise.  Desiree.  She looks like a beautiful disco ball.  I hope they find a Tom Cruise look-a-like, bahahaha. 

Well, another dramatic season has come to a close.  We’ll have to see the bag of crazy ABC packs in for Desiree’s adventure.  I think her theme song should be Paula Cole’s “I Don’t Want To Wait.”

Bachelor: Women Tell All

--> Women Tell All

Chris Harrison and Sean are going to crash viewing parties?!  Sean apparently likes being known by teenagers and young girls across America.  He’s handing out roses, going to sorority houses—taking his shirt off.  I’m really embarrassed for him…

To start off, we take a trip down memory lane to see the full crazy potential of all of the girls.  Consider yourself poised and lucky if you didn’t end up on that film roll.  It was mostly AshLee and Tierra footage, which was curious because I thought they may try to play AshLee up as the sweetheart of the season.

'Wow' indeed Chris.  He asks Dez if this is what she was expecting coming on the show.  She says no, I thought we’d all get along and braid each other’s hair…Chris interrupts to say she must not have ever watched this show.

Then we move on to Enemy 1: Tierrable.  Selma brings up her inability to say good morning despite their best efforts.  AshLee wasn’t expecting her confrontation.  Lesley attacks her lack of sparkle.  They all chime in on the polar bear plunge and whether it was real or fake.    Brooke says this show is about seizing opportunities fake or not, and maybe they were all just jealous that they didn’t get so creative.  AND what do you know, she’s here!

And we have some behind the scenes footage?  Weird.

What is she wearing?  I think she takes her outfit cues from strippers who shop in the juniors department.

Chris asks if she was expecting this from her time on the Bachelor.  She says yes and no.  She knows that when she walks in to a room, she lights it up.  Here we go again with the sparkle…people judge her and the light that she has?  What?  She still can’t control her eyebrows.  One is significantly higher than the other 99% of the time.  She wishes she had thrown the first impression rose since it put a target on her back.  She thinks she was targeted because she didn’t want to be friends with them.  She doesn’t want to be friends with people she’s competing with.  Keep her eye on the prize.  I think she confuses being polite, normal and cordial with being BFFs with people. 

Chris asks if this is normal for her.  Are you always misunderstood?  She says no.  I seriously question whether she has a single friend out in the world.  She doesn’t feel like she needs to apologize for anything.

What’s with all the “raw” footage? 

Now the ladies have the floor.  Robyn tells her she’s delusional.  Tierra has some convenient memory loss.  There’s so much arguing about saying ‘good morning’ and not being friendly.  This is a waste of time.  Why don’t we bring out some actual examples, like when she said she wanted to kill people and that AshLee is a cougar?  This is stupid.

St. Croix battle after the commercial break.  Can’t wait…AshLee vs. Tierra.

Fortunately AshLee has a perfect memory.  Tierra calls her a liar, and the steel trap shuts that down.  She says she was bullied, and then everyone points out that she was the one starting the confrontation.  Blah, blah, blah, these yahoos need to figure out real life.  Lesley says Tierra wasn’t bullied, just thought she made her own cot and she needs to lie in it.  Mwahaha.

Chris thinks she can control her eyebrows…Zing.  Chris asks abut her sparkle.  She talks about being 'Little Miss Nevada' and her dad confirming she in fact has a sparkle.  Again, that’s fine to say to a 6 year old, but a grown adult?  I dunno.  Then we talk about the bling on the left hand.  I’m wondering if it’s real or from Stein Mart.  I guess she meant it when she said she could go home and get engaged if she wanted to.  She doesn’t want to comment on when she got engaged?  She’s shady.

Sarah’s on the hot seat next.  On a side note, Sean makes a good Zoolander face…

This trip down memory lane is SAD FACE!  She says in confidence that she would be the one in the end, and then she gets dumped. :(  She expresses how she thought he could have been the one and she’s sick of hearing how great she is, but not good enough.

Dez is next, then Sean.  The trip down awkward memory lane.  I think your brother, as crazy as he may be, helped you dodge a bullet with this one.  She’s looking for a soul mate, like her parents.  She says she didn’t expect to fall for Sean…umm isn’t that the entire premise of the show?!  #BachelorContestantPetPeeve.  What were you expecting?  A modeling or movie gig?

Ash is still looking for her Jerry Maguire to complete her…help us!  She’s head over ‘hills’ in love with Sean.  She is way too over the top and too invested.  Wait till you get a ring on your finger before you bare your soul.

Chris: That was a first, you told him, stay here and you walked away.

Ash: I didn’t know what to say.

Chris: Were you mad and angry?

Ash: No, I wasn’t angry.  I was just confused

Chris: You definitely looked like you were pissed...ZIng

Ash says she’s not in love with him anymore.  With her, he was a Southern gentleman, but with the other girls he acted like a frat boy.  Truth.

Cue Sean, lot’s of girly screams.  AshLee gets her chance to speak to him.  Chris brings her up on stage so it’s not so awkward.  Basically, she’s too serious and doesn’t laugh enough.  She felt dishonored by him having to go through a rose ceremony when he knew she wasn’t the one.  She wants to know why he didn’t come back to check on her to see if she was okay.  He says it would have made things worse and brings up his time on the Bach-ette.  She calls him out and says well, you’re the man on this round and you could have been a gentleman.  She needs to understand men and that when it’s over it’s over.  He cut the cord at the rose ceremony, and basically, he knew she was a strong woman and could handle it.  Ouch.

Maybe I’m in the minority here, but I think Sean is a chach.  Ash says he told her in the intimate time that he doesn’t have feelings for the other two…Sean denies it, and not very well.  Who’s the liar in this situation??  The steel trap never forgets!!! 

Behind the scenes, they’re still discussing it…seriously awkward.  Although she has a couple of screws loose, I’m going to agree with her on this one because I think he’s full of crap.  We’ll never know because the cameras weren’t rolling.  Maybe this is payback.

Sean says Dez hides things behind her smile.   Dez says her brother actually liked Sean.  He says he has a funny way of showing it.  Truth.

Bloopers.  The best is Harrison cursing the lantern.  Okay and maybe Sean racking himself over the front of the mountain bike handle bars...Bahaha

Based on the footage, I'm not sure who will be the "lucky" gal.  I mean, I hope she has some issues with him taking his shirt off on command every 10 seconds...in a sorority house no less.

 Alas, we'll have 3 hours of build up next week.  Who do you think will be the next Bachelorette?  My bet's on Des.  She had a coy look about her when she said she was learning some things for her next relationship.  I think she meant plural...just my guess.