Dear Readers, I am going to try to perservere through this blog post and recap of last night's train wreck of an episode. Bear with me, here's hoping we have some legit writing material next time. Here's hoping...
Holy eerie music to start us off...not quite as bad as the funeral musical arrangement when Brad went to visit Shawntel, but still.
Ash loves Hong Kong, it's the city/island feel. The humidity is taking a toll on her bangs, clearly. They are permanently plastered to her forehead.
Dear Lord, here we go with the (...) Bentley talk and the "I'm trying to move on blah blah blah" nonsense. I should have checked my watch, we had to have only been 2 minutes in.
Ash looks good in her skinny jeans, stripper heels, and the signature snap front shirt. Little do we know that she will not deviate from any variation of this top for the dates this episode.
Harrison greets the guys on top of a clear glass platform that overlooks the city. The 8 of them have lived to see another stop on the Asian Adventure. I tried not to get nauseous with the glass balcony with no real enclosure overlooking the city.
And more of the Bentley talk...and how will I ever get over it!! I want to slap her. Ashley is sitting in her suite at the Conrad doing what she does best. Pining and chewing on her lips.
Knock on the door...it's Chris Harrison.
Harrison: My greatest fear is at at the end of this, there's a guy down on one knee and you're thinking, hmmm what if? Yikes, me too.
Harrison: We've reached out to Bentley and he wants to talk to you. He's in the hotel. Right now.
Ashley: "SHUT UP." And now the water works. "He's here? Is this a joke? Are you serious?"
Why do they keep rehashing the meaning of the ( ... ) I mean this has to be a huge joke!
Ashley: "I don't want to have to convince somebody to love me. I just want to know if he thinks about me." Are you sure that's not exactly what you're doing? And, my guess is no, he doesn't think about you, except to think how gullible you are.
Harrison's leaves her with a room number and tells her he's there waiting. So, Ashley's left to ponder and stew. We get a pan out and I'm wondering if anyone else noticed the GIANT banana with an apple and and orange strategically placed. This HAS to be a joke ABC...
Pan extra out to the pollution infested city...
Now we're back to the Conrad. Ash is on the move to Bent's room. She arrives and we now are treated to her TOTALLY see thru top...Ashley is looking to hear that he made a mistake and still really wants to be there. Fat. Chance.
She musters the courage to knock on his door, he asks "who is it". Please, like you don't know...
And then it gets really awkward. He opens the door slightly. She slips in and then, What? Why did they just kiss? They move to the canary yellow couch and their conversation is totally bizarre. She asked him if he comes here often?
Bentley: "I thought about calling, but that'd be too easy." He's such a douche.
Bentley: "Tell me what you've been up to. Are you having fun? I want to hear everything!" These are the conversations I would have with my mom after a first date. He is sooo weird!!!
This is too awkward to type.
Ashley: "After you left, I had a really hard time."
Bentley: "Did you have fun though?"
Ash: "No."
Again Bentley, this is not the time to have the comments that you would probably have with with your child after they get home from school and you're cutting up orange slices for a snack. She needs to exit. Immediately.
Bentley: "Selfishly, I like to hear that, because we were on the same page."
Ash: "If things are going to be done for good, then I need to know." For real. Cut the girl a break!!
Bentley: "How are we to know? I told you you could come to SLC if it didn't work out with other guys"...Seriously. He sucks.
Bentley: "It was hard for me to leave, I thought about you after, and I didn't expect it. I think you know where I'm at and where I'm coming from." Where exactly?? Seriously??
Bentley: "Now that I'm home, it doesn't look good for you and me. I would implore you to see what happens here." That's the first real thing he's ever said. But he totally deserves a kick to the nuts.
Ash: "I can't do the ... it's not fair to me. I need a period. I need you to be a man." I'm pretty sure the period comes at 12 or 13 but can't say for certain. Oh wait, we're talking about closure. YES~Finally she stands up for herself.
Ash: "If you came here for the reasons Michelle Money said, to lead me on and leave me with the ..., mission f-ing accomplished." Now she's getting feisty
Bentley: "Maybe we should call it a period."
Ashley: "You came all the way here to tell me this. You couldn't have just done this over the phone."
Bentley: "I wanted to see you."
Ashley: "Why? You should have just called." BUSTED. He was looking for an additional 2 minutes of fame that does not exist.
Ashley: "I can't believe I spent so much time wanting to be with Bentley. It was a waste of time. I needed the time away from him to see thru him." "Bentley, if you're watching this "$%&* You" FINALLY. One would think this would be the nail in coffin, but that would mean Ashley is not crazy.
Back at the house "The Fighter"-Lucas-gets the date card. Sunshine Ryan is about to crawl out of his skin to get the date card. In his yet another shade of plaid.
Lucas gets the big date.
Big Tex in downtown Hong Kong.--Peanut Gallery.
Ashley takes Lucas to the "China town" of Hong Kong, and she's wearing a Forever 21 top with tight tight white pants.
Lucas is carrying her purse. Presh.
Ash: "Don't you feel like we're in NY?"
Lucas: "I've never been to NY." "I like to go fishing with my friends." Bless him.
Ashley: "Look at the street market. People are selling things." How dumb is she? Pretty dumb because they decide to buy some pig intesting to eat.
Ashley says she loves the skyline and she's going to treat him to the best view of it. They aboard a pirate ship to see the skyline....not what I would have expected.
Ash: "When I'm on my date with Lucas, I'm not thinking about Bentley." Except to say that you're not thinking about him...
Lucas: "Three things I hope are going to happen tonight: that I get to dance with her, that I get my first kiss, and I get the rose." Love him.
Ash: "Am I the type of girl you'd date?"
Lucas: "No. Actually not. I'm just here for the boat ride." I REALLY love Odessa after that comment, haha.
Ash asks him the what's the hardest thing he's ever been through. Other than family members dying, divorce.
Lucas: "It just wasn't meant to be, and I believe it. God has a plan for me and I honestly believe that." Amen brother!!
Things are stewing at the house. Ryan and Blake are odd ones out for the one on one dates. Blake doesn't like it. He doesn't want to be lumped in the same category as Ryan...
Group date card. JP gets another one on one...spiteful sides are coming out.
Back to the pirate ship, Ashley brings Lucas over the coals to give him the rose. She asks him to accept and he says, "Yes, ma'am I will." Seriously love him.
Lucas is 2 for 3 on his list. Lucas goes back for more on number 2. Oh, oh, oh, 3 for 3.
Ash: "Lucas makes me feel like a woman. That's something I've learned that I like." As opposed to being treated like a dude? I will never understand the things she says. They make no sense...
Group Date. Dragon Racing.
Ash: Now that Bentley's in the past, because I use him in the past tense now, I can move forward with the great guys still here.
The Bobsy Twins are a team. Consty and Ben F.
Blake and Ryan are on a team. Good work ABC.
Ames and Mickey are on a team.
Ashley tells them that 2 people is not enough to get the boat going and they're going to need to recruit more people to help them.
Ryan found a local named Domino to help him while he's lost in translation. He apparently thinks talking in a British accent is helpful when asking if people speak English....I'm sure they find that endearing.
Mickey hits the jackpot when he finds a dragon boat racer who calls his friends to come out. He is all about the business of winning this race.
Ryan somehow smiles his way through conning people to help them out. I think people read his subliminal messages under the smiles. Like, I will cut you if you don't help us.
Consty and Ben are totally clueless and wander aimlessly in hopes of finding people. But quickly give up and decide to go shopping for cool outfits instead. They're hoping brawn will get them across the finish line.
Race time.
What is Ashley wearing? A topsy tail shirt and dance pants? Did her luggage get lost?
Ames: "Mickey and I are not here to be flashy, we're here for Ashley." So poetic.
Somehow Ben and Consty found some strays to help them on the boat race...
Ben: We're getting smoked...
Consty: "Like salmon, bro"
Is this dude where's my car?
Ben: "We kept saying, A Chi, which we thought meant 'eat it', but actually it meant 'idiot'" Classic.
Ames and Mickey win. They're clearly Winning.
Why is their positioning always so awkward. It's like story time. She's sitting in front of them by herself and they form a semi-circle opposite her.
Proposal on the beach in Hong Kong, like that wasn't planned.
Ash is so jealous. "I hope that's foreshadowing for what's coming for me." Doubtful given your track record.
Ashley: "I'm so over Bentley." So much so that I have to mention him again.
Boat Race Afterparty. Ash is wearing yet another "club" selection from Forever 21
Ames whisks her away. In her elevator. He wants to take their relationship to a new level.
Ash: "Have you been up here before?"
Ames: "I have..." as he leans in to attack her face. It was totally awkward and he was clearly hammered. Good for him.
They make their way up to the upper balcony to overlook the city.
Back at the house, JP gets his date card.
Ben F is wearing the most heinous yellow sweater with blue button down and red tie. He admits he's falling, and he was the biggest skeptic of everything.
Ben: "I wasn't really open when I came here. But I am now."
Ashley: "Really?!" Ashley's back to her Silicon Valley talk...
Ryan whisks her away... and the guys take the time to bash him.
Ashley: "It's not about who wins the race..." What does that even mean??
Blake: "If Ryan gets the rose, I may just pack up and go home."
Ryan, practically begs for a one on one date...and of course Ashley immediately saunters off to go get the rose.
Debbie Downer takes over the rest of the guys...Mickey's a fortune teller because he so obviously predicted this would happen.
Ryan acts coy and surprised. He's going to enjoy rubbing this one in. The guys are seriously pissed.
Ben: "It had nothing to do with me not getting the rose. It's the fact that he got the rose." Ooooo. Sorry I can't take you seriously in that gosh awful sweater.
JP's Date
Ashley is wearing leggings, heels, and yet another see through shirt that looks like it could be her dad's...
"Cheers to evolution in a relationship."
JP: "She makes me feel alive. I haven't felt this strongly about a girl in a long time." I think he should try listening to Jordin Sparks' "Tell me how am I supposed to breathe with no air" because I'm pretty sure that's a crucial part of living.
Ashley: "What do you think we'll be doing a month from now?"
JP: "I mean, probably getting down on one knee? I don't know, maybe?" Ballsy. He just got some brownie points.
Ashley: "You are so confident. Is it because you like me or just cause?"
She's so messed up. Just because you're thinking things in your head doesn't mean you need to say them out loud.
Ashley: "When's the last time you cried?" Why does she ask these dumb questions?
JP: "When my ex and I broke up." Is that code for being dumped?
Ashley thinks he's the hottest guy she's ever seen. And she's falling for him. And she decides she needs to spill the beans about Bentley.
Ash: stumbles around to break the news. "I saw Bentley two days ago in HK..."
JP: shocked face. "What? Really?"
Dramatic commercial break...so ridiculous ABC. I'm over your tricks.
Ashley: "Because I feel so strongly for JP, I want to be honest about this whole Bentley breakup." Except for that little minor detail that YOU WERE NEVER TOGETHER and you knew him for 2 weeks....
JP: "I want you to feel like you can be honest with me and that I won't judge. It didn't matter to me. The only thing that mattered was that she got the closure she needed, and we can move on." Brownie points.
JP gets the rose. He's 100% committed. He's in l.o.v.e. I don't want tonight to end, and I don't think she does either. They're on a mountain overlooking the city??
She looks like she might break out in to a flash dance with that outfit on. They are just mugging down hard core.
Cocktail Party
Ashley looks like she has flown past Forever 21 and has gone straight to Holly Madison's closet from the Girls Next Door.
The are hanging out in the most insanely HK decorated restaurant. It's got to be the Vegas floating casino of Hong Kong. I'm having trouble looking at Ashley without feeling like I want to put a cardigan over her shoulders...I mean, for reals.
The guys are struggling to keep their eyes at eye level.
Ashley starts in to her Bentley saga and how she completely fell for him in a short period of time. Ryan looks like he just swallowed a baby bird.
Mood was totally somber. Then she drops the bomb that Bentley came back, and Ryan regurges the baby bird as Blake swallows the bitter pill.
Then she spouts off some nonsense of how they made her realize what she's looking for in a man, and how what she has with them is so much greater than with anyone in the past, yada yada. When she's done, the guys all look like they want to take a hike.
Constantine calls her out for saying how she was over past relationships on their date and it was contradictory.
Odessa is straight up like, why couldn't you have done this earlier? We've been to like 3 different spots...touche
Ash is like, no yeah you're right. The hand motions start flying as she has to illustrate what she was going through since she obviously can't just spit it out. "I just had all these roadblocks that we're keeping me from being 100% with you guys"
Lucas: "This is just weird for me. I'm glad you got closure, but I mean we're putting a lot on the line too..." Yeah, like fishing with my buds and digging that oil girl...
Blake: ding ding ding on calling the BS on her PR spin tactics. "Well, it must have gone poorly. Because obviously if you had such strong feelings for him and he came back and wanted to be here, wouldn't that be a good thing? You said you were falling for him, right?"
Ashley: "Yes I was falling for him. I'm sorry if that...couldn't finish the sentence because the room was literally suffocating and there was no air in there. Lots of throat clearing, looking down, looking anywhere but at her. She senses it and is furiously chewing on her lips...
She excuses herself. Thank. God. You best collect yourself...
JP totally gets it and understands that life happens.
Ryan's like, this is my chance. I've got to brush it aside and sweep in with the classless charm.
Consty, Odessa, and Blake are FUMING, smoke coming out of the ears because they're butt hurt over her liking the douche bag.
Ames to Ashley: "I suppose that we would all prefer our fairy tales to be perfect, but that's just not real life and that's what makes it beautiful." Seriously, I think he gets all of his lines from Disney movies.
Blake: "I don't want to play second fiddle to anyone" to the guys of course. None of these guys would have the chezpah to say any of this to her face...duh
This floating casino is about to get a few dudes lighter apparently.
Hayley:At this point I'm realizing just how desperate her outfit choice really is. She's hoping the sexy dress and boobies hanging out will detract from her bad decision making and obvious selfishness. I have a feeling she's going to get the water works going soon to harness her true manipulative power
Lucas: "We had this great date, and this happens and I'm totally losing ground and I don't think we can make it up." Please don't go Odessa, we need you!!
Blake actually looks normal tonight. He asks for some time with her. She goes to sit and Blake doesn't want to sit, he wants to grill her standing. She can't get comfortable. He lets her have it, makes her cry. Then retracts. Then he's at it again, and is making all the snide comments. I mean Blake, you have a point, what she did was a total low ball move, but honestly you're getting annoying and needy and I'd rather you did just go home...
Mickey: "Honesty is a big deal to me." "I feel like he lied to us." "I don't understand what you saw in that guy...there's two guys that need to go home tonight. Just please make me one of them." YIKES!
Ashley: "You know, I'd like for you to take the initiative and leave if you need to leave."
Mickey bee lines it out of there. The guys wave him off from the giant floating restaurant and respect his decision.
Ash comes back and gives a heartfelt speech about how hard this has been. She was really excited to tell everyone that she was over the douche but it didn't come out right and she's sorry she made them feel like poo poo. She cares about each and every one of them. So much. Repeat 3 more times.
Blake's ice exterior finally starts to chip away and melt and he realizes that he would be a total dick to still come down on her after that heartfelt speech and her crying.
She leaves to make her decision on the final cut.
Side note, I was really hoping JP wasn't going to pull a chach move and tell everyone that she told him about Bentley on their date, but alas he did. I still like him, but that was a douche move.
Blake pulls his head out and realizes he was being selfish and now he's totally committed to her and wants a rose. He wants a rose almost as bad as he wants the vodka cocktails...which have been plenty this evening.
Harrison: "Wow that was tough wasn't it." Thank you Capt. Obvious.
Ashley: "Yeah, i didn't know it was going to be so bad and someone was going to leave. She crumbles. i don't know what to do, how to do this." Seriously. She's so dumb.
Harrison: "I think they feel like they're second best." She needs to read Love and Respect.
Ashley: "I wish they could just feel what I feel and that I didn't have to communicate it to them because I'm not good at it." Um, hello, thats what every woman wants but you grow up by being articulate and start communicating!!! Ughhh...
Lots of lip chewing...
Harrison: "You're in a tough spot tonight. Speak from the heart. Just be Ashley."
If we're seeing the real Ashley, he needs to tell her to be anyone but that girl...
Rose Ceremony
Ben is first.
Constantine looks like he's about to get a physical during the ceremony. He gets a rose.
Ames gets the last rose.
Blake's going home empty-handed. 'Bout time.
Blake: "Basically, I just want a friend." Try a dog. They're loyal and make good friends...
On to Taiwan. Where basically all of our American goods come from :)
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Bachelorette Recap: Here's to Hoping I Never Have to "Witness" Any More Mental Kisses...
Dear Readers, before we begin our foray into this week's episode of the Bachelorette, I've been asked by an anonymous person who may or may not be my husband to take "blogging lessons" as he/she believes that the posts are entirely too long and contain too much "fluff" information. I would like to ask for a poll, from you the audience, to see if you concur and I will change the style in which I post. Please post a comment to this blog entry with either: TMI (too much information), TLI (too little information) or JTRAOI (just the right amount of information). I promise I won't be offended, but definitely want to have your input on these Bachelorette recaps...Thanks!!
On to the recap...
The boys are making their way to Chaing Mai, apparently ABC gave free Ray Bans to the guys because they are all wearing some variation of the iconic shades.
They pull up the temple/hotel in old school limos, nice touch. Nick keeps talking about how he wants to go to the next level with Ash, and I'm not sure if he means in the weight room or exercise routine or what.
The hotel they are staying at is by far one of the coolest/most expensive looking places I've seen.
JP lets us know that if you can't find romance in this environment you're hopeless. Well, I'm afraid Ashley might be hopeless...just sayin'
Ashley is wearing a button down shirt with a belt as an outfit. She takes the long route around the hotel so Harrison can prep them for what they're in for this week.
Chris congratulates them for being one of eleven. I'm not sure how that's a compliment, but whatever.
He's back to the tacky shirt section of the closet. This looked like it could have been corduroy, either way it was not a good shade of brown...
There's a one on one date, a group and the dreaded two on one date. One stays and the other leaves for forever. Now, to me this is just a verrry dramatic way of stating the obvious. I was really hoping somebody would pull out a Sandlot forrrreeeeeevvvvvveeeeerrrr, then I might have felt their pain.
Ryan will probably punch Ashley if he doesn't get a one on one. He feels he's totally deserving, "It's like come on", I'm thinking the dark clouds are starting to roll in on his sunshine parade.
Ben F. clinches the one on one date.
Ash shows up wearing a white mini skirt up to her navel and a hot pink tank with chunky wedges. Naturally. Her entire wardrobe consists of off the shoulder, drapey short dresses and minis and wedges. Ben F is wearing a clashing coral color with shorts and loafers. He's total Cali, wine-o.
I think she slept with hot pink rollers in her pony tail. It was nice and curly and bouncy. Reminds me of my younger years.
They go to an outdoor market in what are basically clubbing clothes for her, and he looks like he could be headed to church or the Frat house. They try on clothes, Ben tries on a beanie and we are faced with the massive melon of a head he has because he can barely fit it over his hair. I'm wondering how many people have touched and/or put that beanie on their head before he did. Ew.
Ashley: "The more I get to know him the hotter he gets"...Really? What is she smoking?
Ashley: "I wasn't sure if going in to this date there would be a spark where I would want to touch him all the time, but it was totally there." Thanks for that. Please keep your hands to yourself. I find their spark to be totally awkward.
They leave the market and are sitting in front of a Buddhist Temple. Ashley pulls an Elizabeth from Jake's season...you want to kiss me? You can't. I want to kiss you too. Oh, let's have a totally hot mental kiss....WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?? I'm not sure what's worse, a mental kiss or when Elizabeth told Jake he could make out with her forehead....
Now that their chemistry is undeniable, we're treated to another awkward dinner. Ashley is wearing the most gosh awful Capri pantsuit. Could have been formed from my Grandma's drapes.
He's wearing a hippie see-thru linen number with baggy linen pants. I'm confused because he totally went from frattastic to hippie flower child in about 2 hours. He also has a leather hipster bracelet.
Ben: "A year ago I wasn't emotionally available"--what does that mean?? Oh yes, your Dad died totally makes sense because that's like every other story this season. "I was an emotional zombie." Well that's comforting.
Ashley: "How did you get out of it?"
Ben: "I just became a better son, brother, ya know." How does that qualify as an answer??
Back at the house, the date card arrives for the group date and everyone's name is called except for Ben C and William. They get the dreaded two on one. Someone is going home for forever.
Ashley wants to know what it would be like to date Ben outside of the show, would we take care of the winery, would we travel?
Ben: "Travel would be a big part of the relationship. It'd be all about her." Way to sign yourself up for failure there Ben. It's never about one person in a relationship, and how will you ever have time to travel when you have a vineyard to take care of?! Why do these people think relationships are about traveling and being spoiled?!
Ashley of course says in her confession time: "That's exactly what I wanted to hear from Ben.
During a pause in dinner, In come some female dancers who are probably 12. They surround them while they kiss and there's a dude breathing fire?? So bizarre
And now we have Bachelorette Knockout 2011, AKA the group date.
Ames is hoping it's fighting for love and not with fists. That strikes a better chord with him. He's about to get wailed on by fists.
Ashley: "Look at my pink gloves aren't they cute?"
They find out they will be Muay Thai boxing, and the guys are moderately excited.
Lucas tells us he has been in street fights, so he's definitely able to go head to head in combat. Please...
Ames has never been in a fight. Here's hopin they don't aim for his mouth because he has a million dollar smile, literally.
The guys start out with the training, lots of shirtless pushups and crunches while a young Thai boy sits on their bakc and punches them in the stomach.
Ashley is of course trouncing around in her sports bra top and spandex capris. I think her motto is the least amount of clothing as possible for a majority of this season...
Blake: "spandex was made for people like her" I can't argue with that, but doesn't make it right.
The guys move on to the punching bags and you can tell Ames is struggling to throw punches at anything, even inanimate objects. Ashley's walking by and he decides to go ahead and try to kick the bag and totally wipes out. I lol'ed.
Ashley surprises them with boxing outfits for each of them. There's every color of the rainbow, including hot pink. I'll give you one guess who gets stuck with hot pink and was excited about.
They pile up in a van and head to an open arena in the middle of the town square. The guys are starting to get worried because they know they are about to go head to head in front of a bunch of people.
I'm worried for Ames...
Lucas vs Blake. Lots of kicking and face shots. Blake laid in to him and won. I guess Lucas's Street Fighter days were a figment of his imagination.
JP vs Mickey. No crying in Muay Thai. Mickey was taking crotch shots and seemed to be dominating. JP channels his inner warrier and reverses and wails on him.
JP: "The Jew from Long Island took out the Irish man from Cleveland"
Ames needs to turn back the notches on the spray tan machine. He literally is tangerine colored.
Ames vs Ryan. Ames always looks for any other way than fighting. Ryan sunshine shows his true colors and takes straight up face shots. One particularly aggressive move was to the side of Ames' head, which clearly rung his bell. So wrong, because he could barely defend himself.
Ames comes back and is clearly shaken up but trying to play it cool. Finally, when he looks like he's entering the twilight zone they call an EMT and get him to the hospital.
Nick vs Constantine. The PT wailed on ole Consty but he lost his victory when Ashley was clearly sidetracked by the Ames dilemma.
Cocktail Party. What in the heck is she wearing?!?! Honestly? No words...
Ashley: "I had no idea it was going to be a bloody fight"...really? How dumb are you??
Plaid with pearl snaps seems to be the memo tonight...some pull this off better than others.
Later on at the cocktail party, we learn that Ames was not totally defenseless, Ryan took some licks too. Although, I found his concern for Ames to be totally fake.
Ashley is running around telling how she feels bad for picking a boxing match for a date, and Mickey is like, yeah it was hard for some of the guys, like Ames. He's never been punched before. (Yikes)
I'm glad no one said, yeah that was a totally brill date idea, Ash. I mean seriously, she is dumb.
Ames comes back. Ryan is glad so he won't get sued.
Ames head isn't working. He can't talk, blah. He says the doctor's told him he was in love and also had a mild concussion...what??
Ash, gives Ames a good old fashioned handshake and basically says glad you're back but see ya later...
Back at the house, Will is boozin hard core in dread of the "thunderdome date." He becomes more douche-like as this season wears on.
Back to the cocktail party. Ames is seriously comic relief The expressions on his face are hilarious. He is seriously up in the clouds and needs to go to bed. But here, have some champagne?
Blake is wearing white dress shoes...yikes. He decides the method he should take is self-depracating to see how she feels about him. So annoying. "Love is a marathon not a sprint." Blake babbles on about whether or not she's even attracted to him...
Lucas is a golfer, surprise. Ashley's like let's pretend, you get behind me and show me how to swing. He's totally going to get a banana in his pants.
Bentley gets brought up again. Lucas pegged him as her type. Good Lord.
Odessa is scoring some points in my book...
Ashley goes back to the crowd to get the rose. She heads back over to Blake (did she just tell him to hang out under the cabana for an hour while she talked to other dudes?!). He obviously gets the rose because the squeaky wheel gets the grease. He needs a bigger shirt.
Ryan looks like he raided a 12 year old's closet. The bright blue/green plaid and chinos are awful. I'm so sick of him.
"Thunderdome Time"
Ashley's finally wearing some semi-normal clothes for their elephant experience.
Willy is super confident going in to this, which can only mean trouble. Ben C is hoping to write a symphony in her honor.
The guys are paddling Ashley down the river on Huckleberry Finn's wooden raft.
Ash: "This is perfact". She is seriously irritating when she talks like a valley girl.
Yeah, so I think the guys are supposedly guiding the boat, except for that poor 11 year old in the water guiding who is actually steering the boat while William pretends to be doing something with his life.
Willy is super annoying. He says he can be everything at any time. Whatever that means. As we find out, he is totally Regina George on this date.
Will practically throws Ben C off the picnic blanket and is blatantly rude. He demands some one on one time with Ashley. He begins to plant ideas in her head about how Ben's not here for the right reasons, he can't wait to go home and get on Match.com. Great plug for the dating service, but c'mon...
Will: "I'm not trying to throw him under the bus or anything"--I'm pretty sure that's exactly what you're doing.
Will, how about you use your time to get to know her and not gossip?
Ashley eats it with a spoon and calls it quits on the two on one and says bye to Ben immediately. Ben says it was a betrayal because when he said it to the group it was a joke...oh drama
Ben looks like he's going to blow a gasket. His love bubble has burst and the 11 year old Thai boy is paddling him home.
Ashley has a saucy number on for dinner with the 12 year old man. Waste. Ash is hoping the sparks start flying again with Will since their first date was the most amazing date ever.
Ash hasn't decided whether or not he's getting the rose. Not looking good.
Ash brings up what William said a few weeks ago about being the thirty year old boy. Now would be the time for him to clarify and say that's not in fact what he meant. Instead, he's like "oh yeah, I can't believe your remembered that. I still want to act like a little kid for like forever. I'm looking for someone to have fun with." Coffin sealed.
Ash: "I keep looking to find that feeling again with William and I don't think it's ever going to come again. Spark is gone." Yikes. "I'm looking for a man". She sends him home, rose-less.
Will: "I'm the world's biggest jackass." At least you're honest
Will: "I leave here I leave here with nothing." Please don't commit suicide. You need Jesus.
Will: "I'm just going to slip back in to that dark hole. Lay in bed with the covers over my head and not wake up" OMG Will...get on some Prozac immediately.
Ash is all insecure again. "I don't know if this is going to work for me now." Good lord. Between her and William, the dramatics are going to kill me.
Rose Ceremony
And yet another classic example of What Not to Wear, her rose ceremony outfit. Glittery bow belt? Are you six?
She starts spouting off some nonsense about being true to how you feel and who you are and it literally made no sense and all the dudes were like, I don't know how to take that...
Ryan: "This all comes down to Ashley and how she's feeling" "The first night was a rocket ship." He's so desperate. Why does he always have to say "keep moving forward" like 200 hundred times?
Ash: "I feel really good about where we are in our relationship right now." And where is that exactly??
What's her hair doing?
Consty told her that he didnt feel for her as much as some of the others initially. Consty also tells her feels closer to the dudes than to her. Then later he tells the guys he's not sure he wants to bring her home to meet his parents because he's not sure if she is the one. How is this guy going to get a rose?!
JP time. Ash: "Do you think u can see a future with us? Like ordering Chinese."
JP: "I feel like that's what we're doing now." Is he saying that because they're in Thailand?! NOT CHINA~
Oh gosh the Bentley talk has come back again now that she's feeling strongly for JP...she runs off to deal with her emotions.
Harrison comes in for the save. Ash is a straight up a hot mess
Harrison: "What is on your mind?" Bentley, duh. Spit it out already Ash...
Ashley skirts around the issue for about 5 minutes. Then is like, "I have to tell you something, but I know you won't approve..." This is seriously like the time I had to confess I got my belly button pierced to my parents. Except she's a grown woman, or should be anyway...
Harrison is disappointed. She can't spit it out because she knows it's totally dumb...Harrison is like dude you're totally not being fair to the other dudes. You have your foot in one pool and your other foot in another.
Harrison: "This is not the way to do it, it's not going to work." AMEN
She is getting more frustrating by the minute. She is so full of crap. "I just want to make sure that there's nothing there so I can move forward fully with the other guys." Really? Really?? So basically if the huge tool you have a crush on decides to dump you for good you'll quit clinging? Doubtful, but maybe the (...) will finally be a period.
Hare: "How do we kill this?" Um, find a new Bachelorette?
Ash: "I just wanna talk to him. Ask him a few simple questions." How in the world is that going to help?
Harrison's going to pull some strings.
Okay, now get your head out of your you-know-where and go downstairs and take care if business. She is seriously messed up. I hope you do leave there alone. I think I'm now rooting against her.
Ashley: "I promise I'll be nothing but honest with you guys."--Except you just told Harr you're lying to them and feel like a cheater?
I thought for sure Constantine was getting the boot but he was #1 pick. So typical of our Bachelorette's judgment.
Now it's down to Ryan or nick?
Ryan sunshine gets it. Ugh, another week of his obnoxious "charm." Nick seemed to have legitimate feelings for her. That's where he went wrong. Apparently, you need to pull her hair and tell her you don't like her for her to be in to you.
Until next time...Oh, and leaving a comment is really simple. Just click on the comment link below. You might have to include your name and email, but just type one of the acronyms I mentioned above and click submit.
Thanks!
On to the recap...
The boys are making their way to Chaing Mai, apparently ABC gave free Ray Bans to the guys because they are all wearing some variation of the iconic shades.
They pull up the temple/hotel in old school limos, nice touch. Nick keeps talking about how he wants to go to the next level with Ash, and I'm not sure if he means in the weight room or exercise routine or what.
The hotel they are staying at is by far one of the coolest/most expensive looking places I've seen.
JP lets us know that if you can't find romance in this environment you're hopeless. Well, I'm afraid Ashley might be hopeless...just sayin'
Ashley is wearing a button down shirt with a belt as an outfit. She takes the long route around the hotel so Harrison can prep them for what they're in for this week.
Chris congratulates them for being one of eleven. I'm not sure how that's a compliment, but whatever.
He's back to the tacky shirt section of the closet. This looked like it could have been corduroy, either way it was not a good shade of brown...
There's a one on one date, a group and the dreaded two on one date. One stays and the other leaves for forever. Now, to me this is just a verrry dramatic way of stating the obvious. I was really hoping somebody would pull out a Sandlot forrrreeeeeevvvvvveeeeerrrr, then I might have felt their pain.
Ryan will probably punch Ashley if he doesn't get a one on one. He feels he's totally deserving, "It's like come on", I'm thinking the dark clouds are starting to roll in on his sunshine parade.
Ben F. clinches the one on one date.
Ash shows up wearing a white mini skirt up to her navel and a hot pink tank with chunky wedges. Naturally. Her entire wardrobe consists of off the shoulder, drapey short dresses and minis and wedges. Ben F is wearing a clashing coral color with shorts and loafers. He's total Cali, wine-o.
I think she slept with hot pink rollers in her pony tail. It was nice and curly and bouncy. Reminds me of my younger years.
They go to an outdoor market in what are basically clubbing clothes for her, and he looks like he could be headed to church or the Frat house. They try on clothes, Ben tries on a beanie and we are faced with the massive melon of a head he has because he can barely fit it over his hair. I'm wondering how many people have touched and/or put that beanie on their head before he did. Ew.
Ashley: "The more I get to know him the hotter he gets"...Really? What is she smoking?
Ashley: "I wasn't sure if going in to this date there would be a spark where I would want to touch him all the time, but it was totally there." Thanks for that. Please keep your hands to yourself. I find their spark to be totally awkward.
They leave the market and are sitting in front of a Buddhist Temple. Ashley pulls an Elizabeth from Jake's season...you want to kiss me? You can't. I want to kiss you too. Oh, let's have a totally hot mental kiss....WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?? I'm not sure what's worse, a mental kiss or when Elizabeth told Jake he could make out with her forehead....
Now that their chemistry is undeniable, we're treated to another awkward dinner. Ashley is wearing the most gosh awful Capri pantsuit. Could have been formed from my Grandma's drapes.
He's wearing a hippie see-thru linen number with baggy linen pants. I'm confused because he totally went from frattastic to hippie flower child in about 2 hours. He also has a leather hipster bracelet.
Ben: "A year ago I wasn't emotionally available"--what does that mean?? Oh yes, your Dad died totally makes sense because that's like every other story this season. "I was an emotional zombie." Well that's comforting.
Ashley: "How did you get out of it?"
Ben: "I just became a better son, brother, ya know." How does that qualify as an answer??
Back at the house, the date card arrives for the group date and everyone's name is called except for Ben C and William. They get the dreaded two on one. Someone is going home for forever.
Ashley wants to know what it would be like to date Ben outside of the show, would we take care of the winery, would we travel?
Ben: "Travel would be a big part of the relationship. It'd be all about her." Way to sign yourself up for failure there Ben. It's never about one person in a relationship, and how will you ever have time to travel when you have a vineyard to take care of?! Why do these people think relationships are about traveling and being spoiled?!
Ashley of course says in her confession time: "That's exactly what I wanted to hear from Ben.
During a pause in dinner, In come some female dancers who are probably 12. They surround them while they kiss and there's a dude breathing fire?? So bizarre
And now we have Bachelorette Knockout 2011, AKA the group date.
Ames is hoping it's fighting for love and not with fists. That strikes a better chord with him. He's about to get wailed on by fists.
Ashley: "Look at my pink gloves aren't they cute?"
They find out they will be Muay Thai boxing, and the guys are moderately excited.
Lucas tells us he has been in street fights, so he's definitely able to go head to head in combat. Please...
Ames has never been in a fight. Here's hopin they don't aim for his mouth because he has a million dollar smile, literally.
The guys start out with the training, lots of shirtless pushups and crunches while a young Thai boy sits on their bakc and punches them in the stomach.
Ashley is of course trouncing around in her sports bra top and spandex capris. I think her motto is the least amount of clothing as possible for a majority of this season...
Blake: "spandex was made for people like her" I can't argue with that, but doesn't make it right.
The guys move on to the punching bags and you can tell Ames is struggling to throw punches at anything, even inanimate objects. Ashley's walking by and he decides to go ahead and try to kick the bag and totally wipes out. I lol'ed.
Ashley surprises them with boxing outfits for each of them. There's every color of the rainbow, including hot pink. I'll give you one guess who gets stuck with hot pink and was excited about.
They pile up in a van and head to an open arena in the middle of the town square. The guys are starting to get worried because they know they are about to go head to head in front of a bunch of people.
I'm worried for Ames...
Lucas vs Blake. Lots of kicking and face shots. Blake laid in to him and won. I guess Lucas's Street Fighter days were a figment of his imagination.
JP vs Mickey. No crying in Muay Thai. Mickey was taking crotch shots and seemed to be dominating. JP channels his inner warrier and reverses and wails on him.
JP: "The Jew from Long Island took out the Irish man from Cleveland"
Ames needs to turn back the notches on the spray tan machine. He literally is tangerine colored.
Ames vs Ryan. Ames always looks for any other way than fighting. Ryan sunshine shows his true colors and takes straight up face shots. One particularly aggressive move was to the side of Ames' head, which clearly rung his bell. So wrong, because he could barely defend himself.
Ames comes back and is clearly shaken up but trying to play it cool. Finally, when he looks like he's entering the twilight zone they call an EMT and get him to the hospital.
Nick vs Constantine. The PT wailed on ole Consty but he lost his victory when Ashley was clearly sidetracked by the Ames dilemma.
Cocktail Party. What in the heck is she wearing?!?! Honestly? No words...
Ashley: "I had no idea it was going to be a bloody fight"...really? How dumb are you??
Plaid with pearl snaps seems to be the memo tonight...some pull this off better than others.
Later on at the cocktail party, we learn that Ames was not totally defenseless, Ryan took some licks too. Although, I found his concern for Ames to be totally fake.
Ashley is running around telling how she feels bad for picking a boxing match for a date, and Mickey is like, yeah it was hard for some of the guys, like Ames. He's never been punched before. (Yikes)
I'm glad no one said, yeah that was a totally brill date idea, Ash. I mean seriously, she is dumb.
Ames comes back. Ryan is glad so he won't get sued.
Ames head isn't working. He can't talk, blah. He says the doctor's told him he was in love and also had a mild concussion...what??
Ash, gives Ames a good old fashioned handshake and basically says glad you're back but see ya later...
Back at the house, Will is boozin hard core in dread of the "thunderdome date." He becomes more douche-like as this season wears on.
Back to the cocktail party. Ames is seriously comic relief The expressions on his face are hilarious. He is seriously up in the clouds and needs to go to bed. But here, have some champagne?
Blake is wearing white dress shoes...yikes. He decides the method he should take is self-depracating to see how she feels about him. So annoying. "Love is a marathon not a sprint." Blake babbles on about whether or not she's even attracted to him...
Lucas is a golfer, surprise. Ashley's like let's pretend, you get behind me and show me how to swing. He's totally going to get a banana in his pants.
Bentley gets brought up again. Lucas pegged him as her type. Good Lord.
Odessa is scoring some points in my book...
Ashley goes back to the crowd to get the rose. She heads back over to Blake (did she just tell him to hang out under the cabana for an hour while she talked to other dudes?!). He obviously gets the rose because the squeaky wheel gets the grease. He needs a bigger shirt.
Ryan looks like he raided a 12 year old's closet. The bright blue/green plaid and chinos are awful. I'm so sick of him.
"Thunderdome Time"
Ashley's finally wearing some semi-normal clothes for their elephant experience.
Willy is super confident going in to this, which can only mean trouble. Ben C is hoping to write a symphony in her honor.
The guys are paddling Ashley down the river on Huckleberry Finn's wooden raft.
Ash: "This is perfact". She is seriously irritating when she talks like a valley girl.
Yeah, so I think the guys are supposedly guiding the boat, except for that poor 11 year old in the water guiding who is actually steering the boat while William pretends to be doing something with his life.
Willy is super annoying. He says he can be everything at any time. Whatever that means. As we find out, he is totally Regina George on this date.
Will practically throws Ben C off the picnic blanket and is blatantly rude. He demands some one on one time with Ashley. He begins to plant ideas in her head about how Ben's not here for the right reasons, he can't wait to go home and get on Match.com. Great plug for the dating service, but c'mon...
Will: "I'm not trying to throw him under the bus or anything"--I'm pretty sure that's exactly what you're doing.
Will, how about you use your time to get to know her and not gossip?
Ashley eats it with a spoon and calls it quits on the two on one and says bye to Ben immediately. Ben says it was a betrayal because when he said it to the group it was a joke...oh drama
Ben looks like he's going to blow a gasket. His love bubble has burst and the 11 year old Thai boy is paddling him home.
Ashley has a saucy number on for dinner with the 12 year old man. Waste. Ash is hoping the sparks start flying again with Will since their first date was the most amazing date ever.
Ash hasn't decided whether or not he's getting the rose. Not looking good.
Ash brings up what William said a few weeks ago about being the thirty year old boy. Now would be the time for him to clarify and say that's not in fact what he meant. Instead, he's like "oh yeah, I can't believe your remembered that. I still want to act like a little kid for like forever. I'm looking for someone to have fun with." Coffin sealed.
Ash: "I keep looking to find that feeling again with William and I don't think it's ever going to come again. Spark is gone." Yikes. "I'm looking for a man". She sends him home, rose-less.
Will: "I'm the world's biggest jackass." At least you're honest
Will: "I leave here I leave here with nothing." Please don't commit suicide. You need Jesus.
Will: "I'm just going to slip back in to that dark hole. Lay in bed with the covers over my head and not wake up" OMG Will...get on some Prozac immediately.
Ash is all insecure again. "I don't know if this is going to work for me now." Good lord. Between her and William, the dramatics are going to kill me.
Rose Ceremony
And yet another classic example of What Not to Wear, her rose ceremony outfit. Glittery bow belt? Are you six?
She starts spouting off some nonsense about being true to how you feel and who you are and it literally made no sense and all the dudes were like, I don't know how to take that...
Ryan: "This all comes down to Ashley and how she's feeling" "The first night was a rocket ship." He's so desperate. Why does he always have to say "keep moving forward" like 200 hundred times?
Ash: "I feel really good about where we are in our relationship right now." And where is that exactly??
What's her hair doing?
Consty told her that he didnt feel for her as much as some of the others initially. Consty also tells her feels closer to the dudes than to her. Then later he tells the guys he's not sure he wants to bring her home to meet his parents because he's not sure if she is the one. How is this guy going to get a rose?!
JP time. Ash: "Do you think u can see a future with us? Like ordering Chinese."
JP: "I feel like that's what we're doing now." Is he saying that because they're in Thailand?! NOT CHINA~
Oh gosh the Bentley talk has come back again now that she's feeling strongly for JP...she runs off to deal with her emotions.
Harrison comes in for the save. Ash is a straight up a hot mess
Harrison: "What is on your mind?" Bentley, duh. Spit it out already Ash...
Ashley skirts around the issue for about 5 minutes. Then is like, "I have to tell you something, but I know you won't approve..." This is seriously like the time I had to confess I got my belly button pierced to my parents. Except she's a grown woman, or should be anyway...
Harrison is disappointed. She can't spit it out because she knows it's totally dumb...Harrison is like dude you're totally not being fair to the other dudes. You have your foot in one pool and your other foot in another.
Harrison: "This is not the way to do it, it's not going to work." AMEN
She is getting more frustrating by the minute. She is so full of crap. "I just want to make sure that there's nothing there so I can move forward fully with the other guys." Really? Really?? So basically if the huge tool you have a crush on decides to dump you for good you'll quit clinging? Doubtful, but maybe the (...) will finally be a period.
Hare: "How do we kill this?" Um, find a new Bachelorette?
Ash: "I just wanna talk to him. Ask him a few simple questions." How in the world is that going to help?
Harrison's going to pull some strings.
Okay, now get your head out of your you-know-where and go downstairs and take care if business. She is seriously messed up. I hope you do leave there alone. I think I'm now rooting against her.
Ashley: "I promise I'll be nothing but honest with you guys."--Except you just told Harr you're lying to them and feel like a cheater?
I thought for sure Constantine was getting the boot but he was #1 pick. So typical of our Bachelorette's judgment.
Now it's down to Ryan or nick?
Ryan sunshine gets it. Ugh, another week of his obnoxious "charm." Nick seemed to have legitimate feelings for her. That's where he went wrong. Apparently, you need to pull her hair and tell her you don't like her for her to be in to you.
Until next time...Oh, and leaving a comment is really simple. Just click on the comment link below. You might have to include your name and email, but just type one of the acronyms I mentioned above and click submit.
Thanks!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Bachelorette Recap, AKA Bentley Saga Pt.2
We start this episode with a nice beach ball close up and Harrison corralling the guys in the living room.
Harrison's back to the good clothing choices, and explaining the dates. He announces they'll be packing up this week and going to Thailand because Ashley is so over LA and Bentley, oh wait, nope. Wishful thinking.
Wheels up in 2 hours
Ryan's heart is going to beat out of his chest it's bursting with so much love.
West lets us know even though bentley's gone there's still really cool guys here...not.
Ashley is double fists so excited to go to Thailand.
Finally we're in Phuket and we have a nice solo montage of Ashley walking on the beach. I think she might have borrowed Ali's clothes from last season. What the heck is she wearing. The white stripper shoes and see thru shirt? I'm guessing no one gave her travel safety tips because this is like the number one sex trafficking country in the world!!!
Annie the Thai travel coordinator is like honey you're bringing a brothel with you, how romantic. You should go to the lagoons.
They must be there for the rainy season...bummer!
Constantine gets date 1. And he chooses Adidas slide sandals to accompany his bright orange shorts and blue shirt. Of course the guide doesn't speak English but he does give great visual aids, and the boat tour is a no go. They decide to go shopping for ugly shirts? Constantine's suggestion.
Were the guys told to mention Bentley every 5 minutes, just Hayley's inner monologue here. I mean, it's not like this is week 10 and his presence was a big deal...
Constantine and Ashley make their way to a market. Of course they try to converse with locals and a young girl comes out of the woodwork to translate. Key to marriage is forgive and forget. Love is not about winning. Old wise Thai guy. He's probably wondering why these rich, dumb Americans are bothering him about advice. Buy something already.
Group date card. Let's make the world a better place. Ames is odd man out.
Back to the most boring date in history. Is it me or is there zero chemistry between these two? Apparently they're having a great time making the best of it wearing orange shorts and sweating like a beasts. No lie, those words were shared between those two...
Ashley: I feel like I have a little bit of my heart back after bentley left. Barf
We finally get to dinner. I was largely distracted by the 5 inch fossil ring taking up Ashley's entire finger/hand.
Constantine wants to ask how she's coping after Bentley left. Ashley: "You have to have strength. It's so hard." Strength is not one of the words I would think of to describe how you're handling this situation. Hot Mess on the other hand sums it up nicely.
Constantine: It's easy for me to separate the excitement of the day with the excitement of the situation. I had such a good time just doing normal things. He says like, you know what I mean, that's what I'm saying every 5 seconds
Hayley: I don't speak California surfer so no, I don't know what you mean.
Back at the house, the dudes are talking about Ashley's conquests in the makeout department. JP is getting jealous.
"Everyone's going after the same fruit" Fruit? Really?
It chaps my ass man-JP learning Ben F has kissed her. I love this. So Dumb and Dumber.
Constantine: I'm just myself now, the new me. Not being scared of getting hurt.
Ashley: You could get me back on my feet again. I love the realness of you...
Hayley: Is that supposed to be a compliment? You're not Bentley, but you'll do...
Constantine gets the rose (but no kiss) and they go hop in the ocean.
Ashley: "Hopeless Ashley is now hopeful again"
Hayley: GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!
Hey Ashley, if you're not going to think about bentley, try not talking about him every 5 secs. Just a suggestion.
Group date goes to the orphanage.
The guys think Ashley is practically Mother Theresa for bringing them to an orphanage.
And now we're privy to the annoying pest that is Ryan. The assertive sunshine man that grates all they guy's nerves..
Odessa: "We're all leaders. We don't need him telling us what to do"
Ryan runs around telling the guys to at least do a decent job...
Ben paints a cute elephant on the wall
The Bachelorette Gives Back 2.0 was a huge success.
JP is forever changed by Ashleys date..
Ashley lets the guys know that they've worked hard now they can play hard. She wants to reconnect with guys, which in lay man's terms means being carried, sitting in laps and making out.
Ben F.: "I feel like she was buzzing around me more than usual today." Yep she's that annoying mosquito. They just got baby talky and then stared making out...sick
I like the blue lights reflecting on Blake at the bar. These guys spend more time talking to each other and gossiping than they do talking to Ashley.
Ryan lets us know that he gets along well with guys, although they just bashed him .5 seconds agp
Ashley wants the "physicalness", and her and Ryan have it.
Blake, Mickey, JP tonight's rose is huge if Ryan gets it every one else is going to leave (Bold statement)
JP: "When's my next one on one?" Ashley: You're right, I owe you one because I suck.
Ashley: Kissing JP is magical. Best kisses I've had here
Ashley to JP: Can you pick me up? JP: Yeah sure, except for I just ate it
Back at the house, Ames and Constantine are having some bonding time on the couches. Ames is wearing the most ridiculous outfit ever. Are you hoping to play tennis at 11pm?
Ames: "Everything's better in the rain." Is he wearing pink lipstick? It seriously looks like it...
Peanut Gallery: "Past has proven it's based on conversation."
She's about to hand out the rose....PSYCH, Ryan steals her for "more time" Desperate move Ryan. All he says is I can't wait to spend more time with you. This guy is seriously lame.
Ben F gets the rose. It's pretty terrible how she hands out the rose. She basically makes everyone else like idiots...
Ames Date.
Ames has yet another J. Crew outfit on...safari themed. Ames makes it known he's been to Phuket several times, but alone. I feel like he's the one-upper type. He came to mountain climb, cooking school? I think he might play for the other team. Just saying.
Ames in regard to his spontaneity: "Last minute is like the best minute?" Really? He's spontaneous but still grounded?! I think he just likes to prove how much money he has.
Ames and Ash set off on their kayak tour of the mountains/lagoons that's supposed to be totally romantic.
He says the weirdest stuff. I'm just going to recap his one-liners for you...
"wow indeed."
"Love is completely uncharted territory and so is Ashley."
"t's as mysterious as it gets. The cliff barely affords the sea kayak."
"Around every corner is something beautiful just like relationships."
"I've been to 70 countries and this may be the most dramatic thing I've ever seen. I was in such awe I couldn't even talk."
Hayley: You mean you didn't already do this the last two times you were here?! Surprising...
"This is so other worldly"
"What's the most intangible quality you look for in a guy?"
I'm sorry, but this guy is such a chach. He may be really intelligent, but in the most off-putting way possible.
Ashley: "Ames is really spontaneous. Im not looking for another me."
Ames: "I hope you're not lookin for another dancer" That's at least one funny thing he said.
What the heck is she wearing to dinner?? A drape and a non existent skirt? Once again, Ali Fedotowsky is fuming somewhere. But then realizes she has Roberto and Ashley has Ames and the score is settled.
Gosh, Ames is weird.
Ashley: "You think we're both very much alike?" Ames: "I know we are." Ashley: "Why, cause we're both nerdy?" Bingo
Ashley opens up about what she'd like to do with her family someday. You know the usual, eat dinner together, travel the world...Ames basically agrees with everything she says.
Ashley says relationships are mostly based on timing. Ashley asks what he thinks about their timing.
"When you know, you know and I don't know." At least he's honest
Ashley: "What are your needs in a relationship?"
Ames: "It's something you feel and where you've been. And we've both been interesting places" What? Pretty sure she wasn't looking for open-ended philosophy here...
Ames: "I don't have a list. This is a huge evolutionary step for me." Who says that??
There's something off about his appearance. And he's awkwardly assertive...I think she's barely had a chance to get words in edge wise.
Heres how I know you're not straight Ames: "Ashley and I didn't kiss but we did something much more intimate we talked about our feelings" He gets a rose.
Rose Ceremony
Ashley's got the stripper shoes out again.
West may be another bentley in Ash's eyes. Ash wants to know if he's ready, and he pauses for a long time. But assures her he's ready to find happiness again. Ashley is insecure because she has big shoes to fill. West says there are no shoes to fill. She wore a size 8 and you wear a size 6...no worries!
Odessa hasn't dated much after his divorce. He hangs out with a liberal and conservative crowd, he's a rebel folks. He just really likes to have a good time. He's trying to fill a void--not hot to say to a girl.
Odessa: "I never give up." Except that time I got divorced.
Odessa: "But you're beautiful and awesome."
Ryan is the odd man out. Blake wants to go hash it out with him, one on one. But of course he cowers and says everyone that feels that way, not just him.
Ryan is blind sided. "I dont have problems with guys"
Ryan can't understand why they don't like his happy obnoxious self. They'd should be glad to be here when they could be in the army and not in Phuket hearing mortar shots go off...yes he made that comparison
Blake is still skirting, but finally says we think you're disingenuous
Blake thinks Ryan is like an 8 year old
Ash also has concerns about Ryan's positivity. She wants to know if his positivity is the real him.
Ryan: In a very forced, controlled manner says: "I'm just bursting with a lot of love in my chest. These guys just can't understand it, they're getting tired of it."
Hayley: For someone with so much loves, he looks like he wants to snap some necks...I'm guessing he's going to be throwing something before the season's over
It's decision time. Harrison and ash have some one on one time. Harrison opens up the "..." and lack of closure with Bentley. If this isn't setting the stage for his reappearance, I don't know what is. This show is far too predictable.
Ash wants to break the rules and only send one guy home instead of two. The Ames affect is clouding her judgment and she doesn't want to rule anyone out too quickly.
My bets on nick the trainer or Blake for being the snitch. Of course they stand Ryan and Blake by each other
Okay 0 for 2 on guessing
It's down to either Ben C or West...West is sent packing. Bummer.
West bee lines it out of there. Ashley keeps her back to him. Cold move.
West is tearey. West isn't tryin to replace anybody he just wants to move on...to the bachelor pad? Probably...
Ashley says their going to Cheng Mai, with her bear claws out...
Bentley comes back next week. I may claw my eyes out at how ridiculous this show is...
Harrison's back to the good clothing choices, and explaining the dates. He announces they'll be packing up this week and going to Thailand because Ashley is so over LA and Bentley, oh wait, nope. Wishful thinking.
Wheels up in 2 hours
Ryan's heart is going to beat out of his chest it's bursting with so much love.
West lets us know even though bentley's gone there's still really cool guys here...not.
Ashley is double fists so excited to go to Thailand.
Finally we're in Phuket and we have a nice solo montage of Ashley walking on the beach. I think she might have borrowed Ali's clothes from last season. What the heck is she wearing. The white stripper shoes and see thru shirt? I'm guessing no one gave her travel safety tips because this is like the number one sex trafficking country in the world!!!
Annie the Thai travel coordinator is like honey you're bringing a brothel with you, how romantic. You should go to the lagoons.
They must be there for the rainy season...bummer!
Constantine gets date 1. And he chooses Adidas slide sandals to accompany his bright orange shorts and blue shirt. Of course the guide doesn't speak English but he does give great visual aids, and the boat tour is a no go. They decide to go shopping for ugly shirts? Constantine's suggestion.
Were the guys told to mention Bentley every 5 minutes, just Hayley's inner monologue here. I mean, it's not like this is week 10 and his presence was a big deal...
Constantine and Ashley make their way to a market. Of course they try to converse with locals and a young girl comes out of the woodwork to translate. Key to marriage is forgive and forget. Love is not about winning. Old wise Thai guy. He's probably wondering why these rich, dumb Americans are bothering him about advice. Buy something already.
Group date card. Let's make the world a better place. Ames is odd man out.
Back to the most boring date in history. Is it me or is there zero chemistry between these two? Apparently they're having a great time making the best of it wearing orange shorts and sweating like a beasts. No lie, those words were shared between those two...
Ashley: I feel like I have a little bit of my heart back after bentley left. Barf
We finally get to dinner. I was largely distracted by the 5 inch fossil ring taking up Ashley's entire finger/hand.
Constantine wants to ask how she's coping after Bentley left. Ashley: "You have to have strength. It's so hard." Strength is not one of the words I would think of to describe how you're handling this situation. Hot Mess on the other hand sums it up nicely.
Constantine: It's easy for me to separate the excitement of the day with the excitement of the situation. I had such a good time just doing normal things. He says like, you know what I mean, that's what I'm saying every 5 seconds
Hayley: I don't speak California surfer so no, I don't know what you mean.
Back at the house, the dudes are talking about Ashley's conquests in the makeout department. JP is getting jealous.
"Everyone's going after the same fruit" Fruit? Really?
It chaps my ass man-JP learning Ben F has kissed her. I love this. So Dumb and Dumber.
Constantine: I'm just myself now, the new me. Not being scared of getting hurt.
Ashley: You could get me back on my feet again. I love the realness of you...
Hayley: Is that supposed to be a compliment? You're not Bentley, but you'll do...
Constantine gets the rose (but no kiss) and they go hop in the ocean.
Ashley: "Hopeless Ashley is now hopeful again"
Hayley: GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!
Hey Ashley, if you're not going to think about bentley, try not talking about him every 5 secs. Just a suggestion.
Group date goes to the orphanage.
The guys think Ashley is practically Mother Theresa for bringing them to an orphanage.
And now we're privy to the annoying pest that is Ryan. The assertive sunshine man that grates all they guy's nerves..
Odessa: "We're all leaders. We don't need him telling us what to do"
Ryan runs around telling the guys to at least do a decent job...
Ben paints a cute elephant on the wall
The Bachelorette Gives Back 2.0 was a huge success.
JP is forever changed by Ashleys date..
Ashley lets the guys know that they've worked hard now they can play hard. She wants to reconnect with guys, which in lay man's terms means being carried, sitting in laps and making out.
Ben F.: "I feel like she was buzzing around me more than usual today." Yep she's that annoying mosquito. They just got baby talky and then stared making out...sick
I like the blue lights reflecting on Blake at the bar. These guys spend more time talking to each other and gossiping than they do talking to Ashley.
Ryan lets us know that he gets along well with guys, although they just bashed him .5 seconds agp
Ashley wants the "physicalness", and her and Ryan have it.
Blake, Mickey, JP tonight's rose is huge if Ryan gets it every one else is going to leave (Bold statement)
JP: "When's my next one on one?" Ashley: You're right, I owe you one because I suck.
Ashley: Kissing JP is magical. Best kisses I've had here
Ashley to JP: Can you pick me up? JP: Yeah sure, except for I just ate it
Back at the house, Ames and Constantine are having some bonding time on the couches. Ames is wearing the most ridiculous outfit ever. Are you hoping to play tennis at 11pm?
Ames: "Everything's better in the rain." Is he wearing pink lipstick? It seriously looks like it...
Peanut Gallery: "Past has proven it's based on conversation."
She's about to hand out the rose....PSYCH, Ryan steals her for "more time" Desperate move Ryan. All he says is I can't wait to spend more time with you. This guy is seriously lame.
Ben F gets the rose. It's pretty terrible how she hands out the rose. She basically makes everyone else like idiots...
Ames Date.
Ames has yet another J. Crew outfit on...safari themed. Ames makes it known he's been to Phuket several times, but alone. I feel like he's the one-upper type. He came to mountain climb, cooking school? I think he might play for the other team. Just saying.
Ames in regard to his spontaneity: "Last minute is like the best minute?" Really? He's spontaneous but still grounded?! I think he just likes to prove how much money he has.
Ames and Ash set off on their kayak tour of the mountains/lagoons that's supposed to be totally romantic.
He says the weirdest stuff. I'm just going to recap his one-liners for you...
"wow indeed."
"Love is completely uncharted territory and so is Ashley."
"t's as mysterious as it gets. The cliff barely affords the sea kayak."
"Around every corner is something beautiful just like relationships."
"I've been to 70 countries and this may be the most dramatic thing I've ever seen. I was in such awe I couldn't even talk."
Hayley: You mean you didn't already do this the last two times you were here?! Surprising...
"This is so other worldly"
"What's the most intangible quality you look for in a guy?"
I'm sorry, but this guy is such a chach. He may be really intelligent, but in the most off-putting way possible.
Ashley: "Ames is really spontaneous. Im not looking for another me."
Ames: "I hope you're not lookin for another dancer" That's at least one funny thing he said.
What the heck is she wearing to dinner?? A drape and a non existent skirt? Once again, Ali Fedotowsky is fuming somewhere. But then realizes she has Roberto and Ashley has Ames and the score is settled.
Gosh, Ames is weird.
Ashley: "You think we're both very much alike?" Ames: "I know we are." Ashley: "Why, cause we're both nerdy?" Bingo
Ashley opens up about what she'd like to do with her family someday. You know the usual, eat dinner together, travel the world...Ames basically agrees with everything she says.
Ashley says relationships are mostly based on timing. Ashley asks what he thinks about their timing.
"When you know, you know and I don't know." At least he's honest
Ashley: "What are your needs in a relationship?"
Ames: "It's something you feel and where you've been. And we've both been interesting places" What? Pretty sure she wasn't looking for open-ended philosophy here...
Ames: "I don't have a list. This is a huge evolutionary step for me." Who says that??
There's something off about his appearance. And he's awkwardly assertive...I think she's barely had a chance to get words in edge wise.
Heres how I know you're not straight Ames: "Ashley and I didn't kiss but we did something much more intimate we talked about our feelings" He gets a rose.
Rose Ceremony
Ashley's got the stripper shoes out again.
West may be another bentley in Ash's eyes. Ash wants to know if he's ready, and he pauses for a long time. But assures her he's ready to find happiness again. Ashley is insecure because she has big shoes to fill. West says there are no shoes to fill. She wore a size 8 and you wear a size 6...no worries!
Odessa hasn't dated much after his divorce. He hangs out with a liberal and conservative crowd, he's a rebel folks. He just really likes to have a good time. He's trying to fill a void--not hot to say to a girl.
Odessa: "I never give up." Except that time I got divorced.
Odessa: "But you're beautiful and awesome."
Ryan is the odd man out. Blake wants to go hash it out with him, one on one. But of course he cowers and says everyone that feels that way, not just him.
Ryan is blind sided. "I dont have problems with guys"
Ryan can't understand why they don't like his happy obnoxious self. They'd should be glad to be here when they could be in the army and not in Phuket hearing mortar shots go off...yes he made that comparison
Blake is still skirting, but finally says we think you're disingenuous
Blake thinks Ryan is like an 8 year old
Ash also has concerns about Ryan's positivity. She wants to know if his positivity is the real him.
Ryan: In a very forced, controlled manner says: "I'm just bursting with a lot of love in my chest. These guys just can't understand it, they're getting tired of it."
Hayley: For someone with so much loves, he looks like he wants to snap some necks...I'm guessing he's going to be throwing something before the season's over
It's decision time. Harrison and ash have some one on one time. Harrison opens up the "..." and lack of closure with Bentley. If this isn't setting the stage for his reappearance, I don't know what is. This show is far too predictable.
Ash wants to break the rules and only send one guy home instead of two. The Ames affect is clouding her judgment and she doesn't want to rule anyone out too quickly.
My bets on nick the trainer or Blake for being the snitch. Of course they stand Ryan and Blake by each other
Okay 0 for 2 on guessing
It's down to either Ben C or West...West is sent packing. Bummer.
West bee lines it out of there. Ashley keeps her back to him. Cold move.
West is tearey. West isn't tryin to replace anybody he just wants to move on...to the bachelor pad? Probably...
Ashley says their going to Cheng Mai, with her bear claws out...
Bentley comes back next week. I may claw my eyes out at how ridiculous this show is...
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Two For One: Bachelorette Recap of Episodes 2 & 3
Episode 2 Highlights: We start out this episode with a preview of what's to come. This includes covering up Bentley's dirty mouth because clearly whatever comes out of it is not suitable for children. We get a glimpse of the dates to come, and then we dive right in.
Chris Harrison comes in to the living area where the guys are seated to explain the dates this week and what to expect because no, we're not on Season 100 and have no idea what to expect from this show. Ashley thinks she's lucky because she has the best looking guys this season. I'm thinking she needs to get her eyes checked.
William gets the first date card.
Ash comes to pick him up in her convertible, and he thinks they will be driving to Vegas. However, in a surprising twist, they're going in a private jet! William says this kind of thing only happens in the movies...I'm wondering where he's been the past 20 seasons because this is like taking the bus on ABC. At least they've given the helicopters a rest.
They arrive in Vegas and immediately start shopping around in what appear to "wedding" stores. Ashley lets us know she has a test in store for William. They try cakes, look at rings (which he will never be able to afford on his cellphone sales salary) and even head to a chapel to presumably tie the knot.
This might be one of the more ridiculous stunts I've seen on this shoe. I mean, c'mon! Are we really supposed to believe they're going to get married in Vegas?! Anyway, Willy plays along like a champ, and finally Ashley pulls the plug, because this could be like legally binding...Side note, I'm pretty sure a marriage license is what makes it legally binding...
They both agree this is the best date ever. This sounds like deja vu, except before there was Brad and a creepy carnival in the middle of a wooded area...
Next, Ashley changes in to an emerald table cloth looking dress and reveals they will be having dinner in the Bellagio fountain pool.
Ashley wants to see William's serious side because she knows he's totally funny. William opens up about his Dad's death and being an alcoholic. They totally bond on the dead beat Dad front, and Ashley gives him a rose, and of course the fountains are right on cue and the water show begins.
Back at the house, the group date card arrives and almost everyone's on there except JP and Mickey.
The boys all fly out to Vegas to meet Ashley and she shows up in what looks to be a Mary Ann costume found in the trashy section of a Halloween store. The boys follow her in to a theatre where there America's Best Dance Crew will be performing. While they're practicing and the guys are distracted, Ashley slips away to put on her sports bra and dance pants to join the show. We expect to see some moves from her when she arises from "the heavens" as one dude put it, but no she basically just stands there and poses and the guys are in awe. The guys find out they will be split in to two groups and choreographing a dance to win a date with Ashley.
Bentley is all about the competition and making himself look even more and more like a tool everytime he opens his mouth.
The groups decide to theme their dances for a rose ceremony and for a marriage proposal. Both were bad choices, but the group that had Ashley in their dance so they could grind on her ended up winning. The other team was sent back home. Hope you enjoyed your 2 hours in Vegas.
The group that wins learns a routine to be performed in the sold out show that night along with Ashley. For the big performance, the guys basically do the robot in reflective black light clothing, and Ashley dances around in her underwear. In ABC fashion, they have a rooftop party afterward.
Notable one on one times:
West: tells Ashley minimal details of his wife's death and fabricates an epilepsy condition to win her sympathy
David: Ash is worried since they're both Type A if they will get along. David says twice the personality, twice the perfection. Um, okay? Doesn't sound competitive and performance driven at all...
Bentley: He decides to pull her aside to pretend to be needy and insecure. Ashley eats it with a spoon and practically begs him like a dog to stay. He also casually mentions he has about zero interest in her other than his competitive nature, but he wouldn't mind if she tickled his pickle. Seriously? Who is this guy? Could they not have found someone with more charisma and better acting skills?
Bentley gets the rose.
Back at the house, a date card arrives with a coin and JP and Mickey's name on it. They must flip a coin to decide who gets to go on this date. (This is very telling of the amount of effort going in to this whole season. Can't she just pick one?)
Mickey wins the flip and heads out to Vegas for his date. Ashley goes on and on about how hot she thinks Mickey is and how great he dresses. I'm wondering if I need my eyes checked?! His hair is out of control
They decide to flip a coin to make every single decision that night. It got old after the second time, but we were treated to another 15 minutes of it. They pick out a wine, have dinner in the aquarium. Mickey opens up later about his mother and how she has passed away. What is it with the sob stories this season?! Then she tells him whether or not he gets a rose is left up to a flip. He starts to sweat a little bit, but fortune falls in his favor. Ashley says she would have given it to him no matter what.
They go out to the "beach" to hear a private performance from Colbie Caillat. I'm guessing she has an album coming out soon and has no problem shamelessly promoting herself. Mickey says this is the best date ever and hopes it's his last first date.
On to the cocktail party. One of the genius bachelors informs us that this is getting real and guys are going home. Cause that wasn't the case last week?!
JP steals her quickly to ensure he gets some time with her and to voice his frustration in losing the coin toss. He brings a coin of his own along to flip for her kiss. Don't know if he actually won the toss or not, but he went for it!
Ashley lets us know she was really happy to kiss JP, my sweet husband piped in to add that she's happy to kiss anything!! Or straddle anything for that matter...
Will is inside doing awful impersonations again, and many of the guys, especially West, are starting to take offense.
Meanwhile, Nick the beefcake with dark roots and soul patch is trying to teach Ashley some pretzel moves when Willy comes in to steal her (when he already has a rose!) This gets Nick and the other guys to rally against him and Nick gives him the uber clever nickname of Ding Dong. Poor guy, he's used to having to flex his arm muscles rather than his brain muscles.
Zorro is creepin' upstairs plotting his big reveal moment. He decides the best place for this is in the nook of the staircase. He starts in on his very dry recount of his brain hemmorhage and tragic divorce, and he's about to pull off the mask, when Matt steps up to steal Ashley. He's left to sit and sulk
Ben with the romance of 25 men finally gets time with Ashley and explains how he had to fight 1,000 Trojans to get time with her. I'm wondering if this chach was born in the wrong century...
Then Bentley the bully talks about how he'd like to swim in pee or something. I was half listening because he's so dull and un-entertaining. However, he was sitting with the other safety rosers and learns he's the only one that hasn't kissed her. He sees this as a disadvantage and plans how he'll ram his tongue down her throat immediately. No lie. He finds her alone and picks her up like a baby to set her in his lap and tells her he doesn't feel like talking. They start making out and it was one of the least passionate, awkward, kisses I've seen in a while. But Ashley dug it. She talked about how sincere she finds him, I gagged.
Rose Ceremony. Sent Packing are: Hair, Matt and Ryan. Matt calls Gail to ask for some french toast to soothe his broken heart. Ryan says life isn't fair. Actually I think it is fair, because do you really want to spend the rest of your life with that basket case?!
Episode 3:
Let me preface that this show is getting entirely painful to watch. From Harrison's zip-up cardigan, to Ashley's whinyness and douchiness that is Bentley...it's hard for me to stomach these 2 hours. I feel like we've got the B-team Bachelorette and the B-team ABC cast and crew...
Ben gets the one on one date. He voiced his annoyance that he didn't get picked for the dancing date, so naturally this lines up this next date. Because I think we're going to be treated to Ashley dancing in some form or fashion EVERY episode. I'd rather have a cavity filled.
They head to a dance studio where Ashley teaches Ben one of her choreographed dances. Hip hop. It was quite awkward watching them learn this routine with no music and no context. Later, they go to a very public outdoor mall for a picnic. Odd. Ben is already uncomfortable because people are just walking by and snapping pictures of them the whole time. Then, Ashley tells him she wants to get up and do their dance. He adamantly is against this and gets really flustered, then the light bulb goes on and he remembers where he is and he whispers, I'll do anything for you.
They get up and start dancing, then the Popping Bottles song starts playing and we are treated to a flash mob she planned and the whole crowd joins in. Afterward, they talk about how fun that was and then there's a camera pan to the right where there's none other than the Far East Movement. Side note, I had no idea they were an Asian band, but now I totally get it. Anyway, how many live performances are they trying to pack in this season? Geez...Everyone huddles up to listen and Ben takes position behind Ashley to Bump and Grind on her. It was awkward. Ashley talks about how great a dancer Ben is...
Then they have dinner on the rooftop, per usual. Ashley would ask Ben a question then he would have word vomit for the next 5 minutes about wanting to live in a bubble and how he idealizes love and wants his future wife to believe they love each other more than anyone else on the planet, yada yada. Oh, and how he obsesses over how to write text messages, do I put an emoticon or do I not put an emoticon? Seriously??? I'm thinking this is the biggest crock of bull I've ever heard and they both need Jesus. Ashley obviously eats this with a spoon, and this is reason number 1,579 that she is still single. Ben gets a rose. Guys, when Ashley loves, she loves hard. Whatever that means...
Next, we get a camera shot of Zorro brooding on the balcony. She's heading over to pick up the guys for the group date and he decides he wants to remove his mask when she gets there.
She arrives and he takes her out by the pool and mumbles on about physical appearance what not and finally pulls the thing off. You could tell that Jeff was expecting love in her eyes, and instead she looked like a deer in the headlights with slight disappointment. She later says she wasn't expecting him to look so old...
The guys head out to a limo and she tells them they're going to a comedy club for a roast. She asks who the funniest guy in the house is and someone nominates William. He tries to look shocked, but you can tell his ego just spiked about 10 notches. Ashley is wearing some awkward button-down number that is literally unbuttoned to her navel. Classy.
They get to the comedy club and learn they will be roasting Ashley. William decides this is his time to shine since he wants to be a comedian and all and this is his career building opportunity, screw the girl. The other guys are obviously worried about fulfilling the mission but not making an ass out of themselves and Ashley. Good luck.
Will says he's in his element. Jeff lets us know there's some "gutsy humor" behind the mask. Whatever that means.
I'm wondering in what universe these guys are considered funny?!
Ryan P. is up first and flops. Hard. He should stick to saving the world with sunshine and love.
Blake the dentist had the best lineup! He roasted all of the guys and said nothing about Ashley, but his schtick was actually funny.
Then it was Zorro's unemployed brother, Jeff. He was awkward and made some weird gesture of picking up pennies off the floor and relating them to her boobs being small. It didn't quite work.
Nick the trainer gets up and again targets her boobs, saying she might be the first girl he's dated that he has a bigger chest than. I'm thinking this applies to most girls, because he's probably a B-cup.
Bentley should have just stayed seated...he was terrible and not funny.
Will took the roasting to the extreme and basically tore her self-esteem to shreds. He blatantly said he was hoping for Chantel or Emily but instead they got stuck with Ashley, who gives an s-word about her...then a man boo-ed and yelled too soon from the audience. And that was the only redeeming quality. I'm pretty sure his future in comedy died right along with his chances for Ashley in that 2 minutes. And worse, he was oddly not apologetic in the moments after. He reallllly likes to throw around the f-bomb. He should be really embarrassed.
Ashley runs off to cry about her insecurities. Bentley sees her and comes to the rescue. He goes in to console her and also says in his candid time that he can't stand when girls cry because it makes them ugly. But he manages to get out that Ashley is totally awesome and pretty and a great dancer and has a great butt. Just what I want to hear when I need cheering up, and Ashley feels totally better.
They go up for more roof time and Ashley lets everyone know that the roasting hit some sensitive areas, and made her feel insecure. (Um, I realize Willy is an idiot, but you did sign up to be roasted...)
Will asks to speak with her and he's at a loss for words for his stupidity. He gets dramatic and says he just needs to leave because there's nothing he can say or do to make up for what he did. Ashley was just looking for an apology?! But Will runs off to go sit on a park bench and contemplate life. He later decides to return and no one really addresses it...awkward.
Ryan P asks for some one on one time to tell Ashley how great and amazing she is. He says it literally five times and Ashley starts to come back from the brink of severe depression. In my opinion, she should have called it a night to clear her head. She was clearly messed up. But instead, she takes some swigs of her liquid courage and smooches Ryan.
Jeff takes some time to tell her about his 3-legged dog he adopted that was abused...seriously? This is what you use your one on one time for??
Bentley asks for some one on one time to clench his victory. Ashley, since she's already feeling vulnerable, decides to bring up the texts she received from an "anonymous" person that we all figured out weeks ago. And this is when we start to lose all respect for Ashley because she literally believes everything that comes out of his mouth and acts like a coy 6 year old whenever she's around him. She must feel like an idiot watching herself now.
They come back to the group and Ashley gives the rose to Ryan. Bentley is pissed and decides he's going to call it quits. He's going to do something really dramatic, he's going to make her cry. Hate to break it to you, but thats pretty much every five minutes for this girl...
JP gets the next date card.
The next day Ashley is walking around the backyard barefoot talking about how she'd like to run off to SLC with Bentley and how he's her guy, the one she sees in the end. Yada yada with her infatuation and set up for her downfall.
Meanwhile, Bentley is packing up his bags to go home because he's over it and fabricates a story about how he misses his daughter and wants to go home. Father of the year people, father of the year. That poor kid. First her dad leaves to promote his career, then he pimps her out on TV for ratings...she'll be on drugs by 13.
Jeff is flabbergasted and wants to know why he's leaving when it's obvious she likes him the most?!
Bentley hopes he makes her cry and that his hair looks good in the process. Priorities of course.
The dodge minivan pulls up to pick him up with a creepy hooded driver. They arrive at Ashley's and he knocks on the door to drop the bombshell. I really wish I could just gloss over this whole part of the episode because he's really not worth the dirt on my shoe, but that's kind of the point of this blog. To talk about this train wreck.
He walks in and he's oddly looking around at her house like he wants a tour or something. He comes in and wants to know if she gets to watch TV and stuff. I'm either thinking that he smoked a whole bunch of pot before he came and talked to her, OR, he used to smoke a bunch of pot and therefore has no brain cells left...either way, his laugh and personality is like Beavis from Beavis and Butt Head.
He starts in about how he really misses his daughter and can't stand the thought of her asking for him and him not being there. Which is a bunch of crap, because if Ashley was Emily this would be a non-issue. Ashley starts crying and he starts wiping her face and hair. I was getting really uncomf. He tries to get her to sit in his lap, and she fortunately opts to just scoot over a couple feet...she's devestated of course and they talk in circles. Finally it's like he needs to just get up and go, spare us please. But of course he picks her up and she straddles him, then he starts exposing his dirty, sick nasty thoughts. He asks if he can call her?! Like seriously, you are one messed up dude. Then says, I don't want this to be the end. Let's just leave it at dot dot dot instead of a period. WHO SAYS THAT? An arrogant douche thats who.
Anyway, Bentley finally leaves and Ashley runs off to crawl in to her bed and lose her mind. How will her life go on without Bentley??
WHERE is our favorite host? Call him back from PTO because we're about to have a crisis on our hands...
Ashley still has a date with JP...I'm surpised she didn't cancel.
Instead, she puts about zero effort in to the date and can barely even carry on a conversation. JP is worried about her emotional state. He wants to ask her how she's doing then move on. I don't know if she was supposed to make him dinner or what, but they end up having take out...classy. Then she tells him she wants to get in her PJs...he thinks this is a great idea..except that he packed flannels...JP seems nice enough, but he is always the 'ender' in relationships. I don't think this will bode well although he appears to be the most normal and genuine. But that's relative because he still signed up for the Bachelorette. Ashley comes out in her jammies and glasses, it was a little too toned down in my opinion, but she obviously did not care. JP gets a rose, and gets best kiss award over Bentley.
It's cocktail party time and there's no Ashley and the guys are starting to get restless. Ashley drives herself to the party which I thought was odd...she goes up to the framed picture room and loses it when she sees Bentley's photo in there. Finally, Chris Harrison arrives to add some reality to this "reality" show. He asks her the questions she should be asking herself. Are you sure it wasn't just the idea of Bentley? Didn't you come here to take risks? WHY are you so dumb to believe that line he fed you about the dot dot dot crap?! Why are you dwelling over this guys who so easily left when there are other guys that sacrificed just as much to be here, and are still here! Do you think your source was right?! This is reason number 1,692 why she is still single. She was choosing to see what she wanted to see and was enticed by looks and not depth.
Harrison tells her she makes the rules and asks her what she wants to do. She wants no cocktail party. Harrison goes to break the news to the waiting guys. Zorro was hoping for a mask-free cocktail party to tell what new tricks his dog was learning with 3 legs, but must save it. William was hoping to actually say some not so idiotic things to Ashley but didn't get the chance...will this hurt him??
My DVR cut out for some of the rose ceremony, so I'll just say who gets sent home.
Chris and Jeff get the boot. Chris was hoping to marry her, and is pissed at William. Zorro/Jeff throws his mask in the fire in a dramatic ending.
Then in the outtakes we're treated to the bizarre relationship between Bentley and Jeff. Jeff likes to read and discuss the classifieds in his mask and beanie while sitting on the pot. Bentley is fixing his hair in silence amid aforementioned activities with Jeff. Jeff, you absolutely should buy that boat with no motor, seats, or steering wheel. That's a steal in my opinion!
Next week it looks like we'll be in Phuket. Which is kind of what I want to say to this show...
Chris Harrison comes in to the living area where the guys are seated to explain the dates this week and what to expect because no, we're not on Season 100 and have no idea what to expect from this show. Ashley thinks she's lucky because she has the best looking guys this season. I'm thinking she needs to get her eyes checked.
William gets the first date card.
Ash comes to pick him up in her convertible, and he thinks they will be driving to Vegas. However, in a surprising twist, they're going in a private jet! William says this kind of thing only happens in the movies...I'm wondering where he's been the past 20 seasons because this is like taking the bus on ABC. At least they've given the helicopters a rest.
They arrive in Vegas and immediately start shopping around in what appear to "wedding" stores. Ashley lets us know she has a test in store for William. They try cakes, look at rings (which he will never be able to afford on his cellphone sales salary) and even head to a chapel to presumably tie the knot.
This might be one of the more ridiculous stunts I've seen on this shoe. I mean, c'mon! Are we really supposed to believe they're going to get married in Vegas?! Anyway, Willy plays along like a champ, and finally Ashley pulls the plug, because this could be like legally binding...Side note, I'm pretty sure a marriage license is what makes it legally binding...
They both agree this is the best date ever. This sounds like deja vu, except before there was Brad and a creepy carnival in the middle of a wooded area...
Next, Ashley changes in to an emerald table cloth looking dress and reveals they will be having dinner in the Bellagio fountain pool.
Ashley wants to see William's serious side because she knows he's totally funny. William opens up about his Dad's death and being an alcoholic. They totally bond on the dead beat Dad front, and Ashley gives him a rose, and of course the fountains are right on cue and the water show begins.
Back at the house, the group date card arrives and almost everyone's on there except JP and Mickey.
The boys all fly out to Vegas to meet Ashley and she shows up in what looks to be a Mary Ann costume found in the trashy section of a Halloween store. The boys follow her in to a theatre where there America's Best Dance Crew will be performing. While they're practicing and the guys are distracted, Ashley slips away to put on her sports bra and dance pants to join the show. We expect to see some moves from her when she arises from "the heavens" as one dude put it, but no she basically just stands there and poses and the guys are in awe. The guys find out they will be split in to two groups and choreographing a dance to win a date with Ashley.
Bentley is all about the competition and making himself look even more and more like a tool everytime he opens his mouth.
The groups decide to theme their dances for a rose ceremony and for a marriage proposal. Both were bad choices, but the group that had Ashley in their dance so they could grind on her ended up winning. The other team was sent back home. Hope you enjoyed your 2 hours in Vegas.
The group that wins learns a routine to be performed in the sold out show that night along with Ashley. For the big performance, the guys basically do the robot in reflective black light clothing, and Ashley dances around in her underwear. In ABC fashion, they have a rooftop party afterward.
Notable one on one times:
West: tells Ashley minimal details of his wife's death and fabricates an epilepsy condition to win her sympathy
David: Ash is worried since they're both Type A if they will get along. David says twice the personality, twice the perfection. Um, okay? Doesn't sound competitive and performance driven at all...
Bentley: He decides to pull her aside to pretend to be needy and insecure. Ashley eats it with a spoon and practically begs him like a dog to stay. He also casually mentions he has about zero interest in her other than his competitive nature, but he wouldn't mind if she tickled his pickle. Seriously? Who is this guy? Could they not have found someone with more charisma and better acting skills?
Bentley gets the rose.
Back at the house, a date card arrives with a coin and JP and Mickey's name on it. They must flip a coin to decide who gets to go on this date. (This is very telling of the amount of effort going in to this whole season. Can't she just pick one?)
Mickey wins the flip and heads out to Vegas for his date. Ashley goes on and on about how hot she thinks Mickey is and how great he dresses. I'm wondering if I need my eyes checked?! His hair is out of control
They decide to flip a coin to make every single decision that night. It got old after the second time, but we were treated to another 15 minutes of it. They pick out a wine, have dinner in the aquarium. Mickey opens up later about his mother and how she has passed away. What is it with the sob stories this season?! Then she tells him whether or not he gets a rose is left up to a flip. He starts to sweat a little bit, but fortune falls in his favor. Ashley says she would have given it to him no matter what.
They go out to the "beach" to hear a private performance from Colbie Caillat. I'm guessing she has an album coming out soon and has no problem shamelessly promoting herself. Mickey says this is the best date ever and hopes it's his last first date.
On to the cocktail party. One of the genius bachelors informs us that this is getting real and guys are going home. Cause that wasn't the case last week?!
JP steals her quickly to ensure he gets some time with her and to voice his frustration in losing the coin toss. He brings a coin of his own along to flip for her kiss. Don't know if he actually won the toss or not, but he went for it!
Ashley lets us know she was really happy to kiss JP, my sweet husband piped in to add that she's happy to kiss anything!! Or straddle anything for that matter...
Will is inside doing awful impersonations again, and many of the guys, especially West, are starting to take offense.
Meanwhile, Nick the beefcake with dark roots and soul patch is trying to teach Ashley some pretzel moves when Willy comes in to steal her (when he already has a rose!) This gets Nick and the other guys to rally against him and Nick gives him the uber clever nickname of Ding Dong. Poor guy, he's used to having to flex his arm muscles rather than his brain muscles.
Zorro is creepin' upstairs plotting his big reveal moment. He decides the best place for this is in the nook of the staircase. He starts in on his very dry recount of his brain hemmorhage and tragic divorce, and he's about to pull off the mask, when Matt steps up to steal Ashley. He's left to sit and sulk
Ben with the romance of 25 men finally gets time with Ashley and explains how he had to fight 1,000 Trojans to get time with her. I'm wondering if this chach was born in the wrong century...
Then Bentley the bully talks about how he'd like to swim in pee or something. I was half listening because he's so dull and un-entertaining. However, he was sitting with the other safety rosers and learns he's the only one that hasn't kissed her. He sees this as a disadvantage and plans how he'll ram his tongue down her throat immediately. No lie. He finds her alone and picks her up like a baby to set her in his lap and tells her he doesn't feel like talking. They start making out and it was one of the least passionate, awkward, kisses I've seen in a while. But Ashley dug it. She talked about how sincere she finds him, I gagged.
Rose Ceremony. Sent Packing are: Hair, Matt and Ryan. Matt calls Gail to ask for some french toast to soothe his broken heart. Ryan says life isn't fair. Actually I think it is fair, because do you really want to spend the rest of your life with that basket case?!
Episode 3:
Let me preface that this show is getting entirely painful to watch. From Harrison's zip-up cardigan, to Ashley's whinyness and douchiness that is Bentley...it's hard for me to stomach these 2 hours. I feel like we've got the B-team Bachelorette and the B-team ABC cast and crew...
Ben gets the one on one date. He voiced his annoyance that he didn't get picked for the dancing date, so naturally this lines up this next date. Because I think we're going to be treated to Ashley dancing in some form or fashion EVERY episode. I'd rather have a cavity filled.
They head to a dance studio where Ashley teaches Ben one of her choreographed dances. Hip hop. It was quite awkward watching them learn this routine with no music and no context. Later, they go to a very public outdoor mall for a picnic. Odd. Ben is already uncomfortable because people are just walking by and snapping pictures of them the whole time. Then, Ashley tells him she wants to get up and do their dance. He adamantly is against this and gets really flustered, then the light bulb goes on and he remembers where he is and he whispers, I'll do anything for you.
They get up and start dancing, then the Popping Bottles song starts playing and we are treated to a flash mob she planned and the whole crowd joins in. Afterward, they talk about how fun that was and then there's a camera pan to the right where there's none other than the Far East Movement. Side note, I had no idea they were an Asian band, but now I totally get it. Anyway, how many live performances are they trying to pack in this season? Geez...Everyone huddles up to listen and Ben takes position behind Ashley to Bump and Grind on her. It was awkward. Ashley talks about how great a dancer Ben is...
Then they have dinner on the rooftop, per usual. Ashley would ask Ben a question then he would have word vomit for the next 5 minutes about wanting to live in a bubble and how he idealizes love and wants his future wife to believe they love each other more than anyone else on the planet, yada yada. Oh, and how he obsesses over how to write text messages, do I put an emoticon or do I not put an emoticon? Seriously??? I'm thinking this is the biggest crock of bull I've ever heard and they both need Jesus. Ashley obviously eats this with a spoon, and this is reason number 1,579 that she is still single. Ben gets a rose. Guys, when Ashley loves, she loves hard. Whatever that means...
Next, we get a camera shot of Zorro brooding on the balcony. She's heading over to pick up the guys for the group date and he decides he wants to remove his mask when she gets there.
She arrives and he takes her out by the pool and mumbles on about physical appearance what not and finally pulls the thing off. You could tell that Jeff was expecting love in her eyes, and instead she looked like a deer in the headlights with slight disappointment. She later says she wasn't expecting him to look so old...
The guys head out to a limo and she tells them they're going to a comedy club for a roast. She asks who the funniest guy in the house is and someone nominates William. He tries to look shocked, but you can tell his ego just spiked about 10 notches. Ashley is wearing some awkward button-down number that is literally unbuttoned to her navel. Classy.
They get to the comedy club and learn they will be roasting Ashley. William decides this is his time to shine since he wants to be a comedian and all and this is his career building opportunity, screw the girl. The other guys are obviously worried about fulfilling the mission but not making an ass out of themselves and Ashley. Good luck.
Will says he's in his element. Jeff lets us know there's some "gutsy humor" behind the mask. Whatever that means.
I'm wondering in what universe these guys are considered funny?!
Ryan P. is up first and flops. Hard. He should stick to saving the world with sunshine and love.
Blake the dentist had the best lineup! He roasted all of the guys and said nothing about Ashley, but his schtick was actually funny.
Then it was Zorro's unemployed brother, Jeff. He was awkward and made some weird gesture of picking up pennies off the floor and relating them to her boobs being small. It didn't quite work.
Nick the trainer gets up and again targets her boobs, saying she might be the first girl he's dated that he has a bigger chest than. I'm thinking this applies to most girls, because he's probably a B-cup.
Bentley should have just stayed seated...he was terrible and not funny.
Will took the roasting to the extreme and basically tore her self-esteem to shreds. He blatantly said he was hoping for Chantel or Emily but instead they got stuck with Ashley, who gives an s-word about her...then a man boo-ed and yelled too soon from the audience. And that was the only redeeming quality. I'm pretty sure his future in comedy died right along with his chances for Ashley in that 2 minutes. And worse, he was oddly not apologetic in the moments after. He reallllly likes to throw around the f-bomb. He should be really embarrassed.
Ashley runs off to cry about her insecurities. Bentley sees her and comes to the rescue. He goes in to console her and also says in his candid time that he can't stand when girls cry because it makes them ugly. But he manages to get out that Ashley is totally awesome and pretty and a great dancer and has a great butt. Just what I want to hear when I need cheering up, and Ashley feels totally better.
They go up for more roof time and Ashley lets everyone know that the roasting hit some sensitive areas, and made her feel insecure. (Um, I realize Willy is an idiot, but you did sign up to be roasted...)
Will asks to speak with her and he's at a loss for words for his stupidity. He gets dramatic and says he just needs to leave because there's nothing he can say or do to make up for what he did. Ashley was just looking for an apology?! But Will runs off to go sit on a park bench and contemplate life. He later decides to return and no one really addresses it...awkward.
Ryan P asks for some one on one time to tell Ashley how great and amazing she is. He says it literally five times and Ashley starts to come back from the brink of severe depression. In my opinion, she should have called it a night to clear her head. She was clearly messed up. But instead, she takes some swigs of her liquid courage and smooches Ryan.
Jeff takes some time to tell her about his 3-legged dog he adopted that was abused...seriously? This is what you use your one on one time for??
Bentley asks for some one on one time to clench his victory. Ashley, since she's already feeling vulnerable, decides to bring up the texts she received from an "anonymous" person that we all figured out weeks ago. And this is when we start to lose all respect for Ashley because she literally believes everything that comes out of his mouth and acts like a coy 6 year old whenever she's around him. She must feel like an idiot watching herself now.
They come back to the group and Ashley gives the rose to Ryan. Bentley is pissed and decides he's going to call it quits. He's going to do something really dramatic, he's going to make her cry. Hate to break it to you, but thats pretty much every five minutes for this girl...
JP gets the next date card.
The next day Ashley is walking around the backyard barefoot talking about how she'd like to run off to SLC with Bentley and how he's her guy, the one she sees in the end. Yada yada with her infatuation and set up for her downfall.
Meanwhile, Bentley is packing up his bags to go home because he's over it and fabricates a story about how he misses his daughter and wants to go home. Father of the year people, father of the year. That poor kid. First her dad leaves to promote his career, then he pimps her out on TV for ratings...she'll be on drugs by 13.
Jeff is flabbergasted and wants to know why he's leaving when it's obvious she likes him the most?!
Bentley hopes he makes her cry and that his hair looks good in the process. Priorities of course.
The dodge minivan pulls up to pick him up with a creepy hooded driver. They arrive at Ashley's and he knocks on the door to drop the bombshell. I really wish I could just gloss over this whole part of the episode because he's really not worth the dirt on my shoe, but that's kind of the point of this blog. To talk about this train wreck.
He walks in and he's oddly looking around at her house like he wants a tour or something. He comes in and wants to know if she gets to watch TV and stuff. I'm either thinking that he smoked a whole bunch of pot before he came and talked to her, OR, he used to smoke a bunch of pot and therefore has no brain cells left...either way, his laugh and personality is like Beavis from Beavis and Butt Head.
He starts in about how he really misses his daughter and can't stand the thought of her asking for him and him not being there. Which is a bunch of crap, because if Ashley was Emily this would be a non-issue. Ashley starts crying and he starts wiping her face and hair. I was getting really uncomf. He tries to get her to sit in his lap, and she fortunately opts to just scoot over a couple feet...she's devestated of course and they talk in circles. Finally it's like he needs to just get up and go, spare us please. But of course he picks her up and she straddles him, then he starts exposing his dirty, sick nasty thoughts. He asks if he can call her?! Like seriously, you are one messed up dude. Then says, I don't want this to be the end. Let's just leave it at dot dot dot instead of a period. WHO SAYS THAT? An arrogant douche thats who.
Anyway, Bentley finally leaves and Ashley runs off to crawl in to her bed and lose her mind. How will her life go on without Bentley??
WHERE is our favorite host? Call him back from PTO because we're about to have a crisis on our hands...
Ashley still has a date with JP...I'm surpised she didn't cancel.
Instead, she puts about zero effort in to the date and can barely even carry on a conversation. JP is worried about her emotional state. He wants to ask her how she's doing then move on. I don't know if she was supposed to make him dinner or what, but they end up having take out...classy. Then she tells him she wants to get in her PJs...he thinks this is a great idea..except that he packed flannels...JP seems nice enough, but he is always the 'ender' in relationships. I don't think this will bode well although he appears to be the most normal and genuine. But that's relative because he still signed up for the Bachelorette. Ashley comes out in her jammies and glasses, it was a little too toned down in my opinion, but she obviously did not care. JP gets a rose, and gets best kiss award over Bentley.
It's cocktail party time and there's no Ashley and the guys are starting to get restless. Ashley drives herself to the party which I thought was odd...she goes up to the framed picture room and loses it when she sees Bentley's photo in there. Finally, Chris Harrison arrives to add some reality to this "reality" show. He asks her the questions she should be asking herself. Are you sure it wasn't just the idea of Bentley? Didn't you come here to take risks? WHY are you so dumb to believe that line he fed you about the dot dot dot crap?! Why are you dwelling over this guys who so easily left when there are other guys that sacrificed just as much to be here, and are still here! Do you think your source was right?! This is reason number 1,692 why she is still single. She was choosing to see what she wanted to see and was enticed by looks and not depth.
Harrison tells her she makes the rules and asks her what she wants to do. She wants no cocktail party. Harrison goes to break the news to the waiting guys. Zorro was hoping for a mask-free cocktail party to tell what new tricks his dog was learning with 3 legs, but must save it. William was hoping to actually say some not so idiotic things to Ashley but didn't get the chance...will this hurt him??
My DVR cut out for some of the rose ceremony, so I'll just say who gets sent home.
Chris and Jeff get the boot. Chris was hoping to marry her, and is pissed at William. Zorro/Jeff throws his mask in the fire in a dramatic ending.
Then in the outtakes we're treated to the bizarre relationship between Bentley and Jeff. Jeff likes to read and discuss the classifieds in his mask and beanie while sitting on the pot. Bentley is fixing his hair in silence amid aforementioned activities with Jeff. Jeff, you absolutely should buy that boat with no motor, seats, or steering wheel. That's a steal in my opinion!
Next week it looks like we'll be in Phuket. Which is kind of what I want to say to this show...
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Bachelorette Episode 1: 10 Days Later
Dear Long Lost Bachelor/ette fans! I've missed you and am truly sorry for the length of time it has taken me to grace you with my thoughts on this gosh awful show that we all cannot bring ourselves to not watch season after season. Since we're already in week 2, and I did take notes on week 1 but have had 0 time to upload them, I'm simply going to paste my notes so I can catch up to this week's epi.
See below. I'll try to add context where possible, but we all know how random my thought process is sometimes and I literally jot my thoughts down as I'm watching.
Good thing we found out that Ashley is a lyrical dancer. And dances hip hop and likes half tops
My name is Ryan and I'm someone who genuinely wants better for the world. The only thing stronger than the sun is love. I'm looking for someone to light up my soul. (Do I even need to address this statement??)
JP: is he lex Luther from Smallville?
Ames: do you have dentures? For someone who "runs" he looked freaking awkward running down the street. And who's name is Ames, honestly?!
Ben: he's a 215 on the romance scale. Yikes
Ben 2: not attractive, but wounded
Bentley: probably mormon. Did he really name his daughter Cozy. He thinks he's hot sh*t
Anthony: Guido. Did he gets his pointers from Scarface?
West: too bad your story is bogus, totally read about the shadiness behind your wife's death
William: Deep looks in the mirror. Keeping time to his dead father. Honestly that's what I have gathered from his promo...
Ashley's dress is way hotter than she is. She has about zero personality. Here go the drama hands
Ashley: I hope I can find love, but I can't predict the future. (I can.)
Ashley, she knows she's vanilla...aka not that attractive
Past contestant starting drama...bentley wants to promote his job. Chris is flabbergasted? Please...
Ashley: I hope he's ugly?! Please
No regrets. How many time is she going to say it?
I've never seen someone so excited about a fellow dentist
Her whiney voice is ridiculous
Jon put her down. I'm glad you didn't break my dress?
Lucas looks likes he wants to be the future of President of the United States. And he's from Odessa, need I say more?
Ricky: DENIED. I think she would have preferred the slap.
Random Dude: She looks gorgeous in person. (As opposed to on TV?)
The liquor distributor is capital A awkward
Ben: put away the french
Stephen: as a hairstylist you should know you're a bit old for the bieber cut
what was the music mashup for when Chris got out of the limo? Oh it's because he's going to spit some flow...
West, terrible pun on your name. Really broken compass?
Anthony is a chach. Tone down the spray tan. Is he a Guido Joey Tribiani?
Rob: major spikes in the hair. Glad to know you dont have any crowns
Ames brought ballet tickets? Did he leave his cajones in the limo? Better yet I don't think they've dropped
Matt: really a handshake?
Nice wrist tattoo Ash
Jeff: are you zorro? He wanted to take his 'face' out of the game. Is that cuz you're ugly?
Tim the liquor dude doesn't like masks. Thats a weird aversion to be adamant about
Chris is all about the Bentley drama. He's going to be around for a while...ugh, the "Justin" of Ali's season
Ben 2 brought wine. Hero.
Frank looks like korovsky from Glee. Not cute. I know Ashley is Polly pocket size, but why do people keep picking her up
Mike: he's excited about seeing a dentist for the first time. Ash offered to gas him
Chris from Canada, eh. Chris: I don't know you but we have lots in common. Are these people deaf to their own contradictory statements??
Ryan: watches the bachelor and loves it. And brought a canon quick shot. They must need the promos..but what he really wants is a pic with Harrison. He's got to be gay. (I mean, I don't blame him, but that's no way to get brownie points with the lady)
JP looks like a bald, less attractive Heath ledger
Nick: has timberland hair circa 2000. His soul patch helps him write poems from the soul. Stop tanning
Blake: about as interesting as plywood
Bentley: hes awkward and looks like someone smacked the top of his head straight in to his torso. He has no neck
Constantine? I thought you got voted off idol like 5 seasons ago. Ash loves that name? How about a flossing?
Why do they make the ground wet? Her dress is soaked on the bottom. Heard it cost 25k too
Random dude: Ashley looks breath taking. Could see myself marrying her. What is wrong with these people.
Ryan reminds me of Jake Pavelka.
Ben 2 seems normal, but again, the wine is about all that's in his favor.
Let's call my mom. What a weirdo. He probably still lives with Gail. When you 2 decide to forego your separate rooms remember 2 things: your moms are watching and use protection...I feel like I'm on coffee talk with Mike Meyers
Dude with the guitar. Go home. Nice vest and hanky in the pocket. Wait. He just chucked the guitar in the pool. That. Just. Happened.
I hate that guy...from the peanut gallery.
Zorro: This is exactly what I knew would happen. You cover up half your face and all of the sudden you're strange. (Uh yeah. It's not society that has the problem bud)
I'm from the land where uh, is this for real? Tim, liquor distributor, you're a buzz kill
Hey Odessa, stop being such a tool.
Tim kind of reminds me of Jack from Will & Grace. Someone get this dude some water.
Jon, looking for a teammate in life. Really?
Lucas, do any words come out of your mouth besides you're beautiful and I'm glad it's you?
Ben 215. Nice posters. He's weird. His jaws are huge
William: I'm just in sales. Yeah, pretty pathetic. Your Sean Connery impression is terrible. Worst salesman ever. The opposite of what Ashley just said. Omg he just called himself the 30 year old boy. Get out while you can!!! Yikes he sells cell phones. No.....
Tim. Get a grip. Stop being such a weirdo. Drink some coffee. He's that guy. You sell what and spurs? I had a few cocktails... I can relate to wasted opportunities. Can you? Nice bedazzled watch.
Jeff. Are you mature? Are you poised?
Can't take the heat? Get out of the oven. Thanks Frank
Tim is sawing logs by the pool. Hilarious!!!
Jeff/Zorro: first off you look amazing. (I thought this dude was not in to looks? ) To do this you have to have confidence. You're a tool
JP's nickname is cupcake.
Ashley: You know what's funny, I've always wanted the man I marry to call me cupcake. (Is she for real?)
Bentley, not so hot. Michelle had to be the informant, since he's from SLC. Melba toast. How does she think Bentley is so awesome. He's so boring. Although he's not overly attracted to her, he's competitive
First impression rose. Ryan. aka Jake Pavelka
Ashley: I hope you guys are happy it's me...camera pan to bentley. Hah.
Mask gets rose 2
American idol gets 3 (Constantine)
Winery gets 4 (Ben 2)
Odessa (GDub in training) 5
Hair/Stephen 6
Matt/Gail: 7
J Timbo: 8
Chris D: 9
Ryan M (tim's bouncer) 10
Blake (who is he?) 11
Mickey (kiss dodged) 12
Ben 215: 13
West (wife drowned) 14
William: cell phone sales 15
JP: lex Luther 16
Ames "I make more money than you": 17
Producer's choice Bentley: final rose. Obviously has a confidence issue
Anthony don't butcher yourself over it. Bahaha
Rob needs to trim the spikes once he's found himself
Bye bye semper fi. Maybe it was your tie choice. There's other fish in the sea bud. She's not the last girl on the planet
See below. I'll try to add context where possible, but we all know how random my thought process is sometimes and I literally jot my thoughts down as I'm watching.
Good thing we found out that Ashley is a lyrical dancer. And dances hip hop and likes half tops
My name is Ryan and I'm someone who genuinely wants better for the world. The only thing stronger than the sun is love. I'm looking for someone to light up my soul. (Do I even need to address this statement??)
JP: is he lex Luther from Smallville?
Ames: do you have dentures? For someone who "runs" he looked freaking awkward running down the street. And who's name is Ames, honestly?!
Ben: he's a 215 on the romance scale. Yikes
Ben 2: not attractive, but wounded
Bentley: probably mormon. Did he really name his daughter Cozy. He thinks he's hot sh*t
Anthony: Guido. Did he gets his pointers from Scarface?
West: too bad your story is bogus, totally read about the shadiness behind your wife's death
William: Deep looks in the mirror. Keeping time to his dead father. Honestly that's what I have gathered from his promo...
Ashley's dress is way hotter than she is. She has about zero personality. Here go the drama hands
Ashley: I hope I can find love, but I can't predict the future. (I can.)
Ashley, she knows she's vanilla...aka not that attractive
Past contestant starting drama...bentley wants to promote his job. Chris is flabbergasted? Please...
Ashley: I hope he's ugly?! Please
No regrets. How many time is she going to say it?
I've never seen someone so excited about a fellow dentist
Her whiney voice is ridiculous
Jon put her down. I'm glad you didn't break my dress?
Lucas looks likes he wants to be the future of President of the United States. And he's from Odessa, need I say more?
Ricky: DENIED. I think she would have preferred the slap.
Random Dude: She looks gorgeous in person. (As opposed to on TV?)
The liquor distributor is capital A awkward
Ben: put away the french
Stephen: as a hairstylist you should know you're a bit old for the bieber cut
what was the music mashup for when Chris got out of the limo? Oh it's because he's going to spit some flow...
West, terrible pun on your name. Really broken compass?
Anthony is a chach. Tone down the spray tan. Is he a Guido Joey Tribiani?
Rob: major spikes in the hair. Glad to know you dont have any crowns
Ames brought ballet tickets? Did he leave his cajones in the limo? Better yet I don't think they've dropped
Matt: really a handshake?
Nice wrist tattoo Ash
Jeff: are you zorro? He wanted to take his 'face' out of the game. Is that cuz you're ugly?
Tim the liquor dude doesn't like masks. Thats a weird aversion to be adamant about
Chris is all about the Bentley drama. He's going to be around for a while...ugh, the "Justin" of Ali's season
Ben 2 brought wine. Hero.
Frank looks like korovsky from Glee. Not cute. I know Ashley is Polly pocket size, but why do people keep picking her up
Mike: he's excited about seeing a dentist for the first time. Ash offered to gas him
Chris from Canada, eh. Chris: I don't know you but we have lots in common. Are these people deaf to their own contradictory statements??
Ryan: watches the bachelor and loves it. And brought a canon quick shot. They must need the promos..but what he really wants is a pic with Harrison. He's got to be gay. (I mean, I don't blame him, but that's no way to get brownie points with the lady)
JP looks like a bald, less attractive Heath ledger
Nick: has timberland hair circa 2000. His soul patch helps him write poems from the soul. Stop tanning
Blake: about as interesting as plywood
Bentley: hes awkward and looks like someone smacked the top of his head straight in to his torso. He has no neck
Constantine? I thought you got voted off idol like 5 seasons ago. Ash loves that name? How about a flossing?
Why do they make the ground wet? Her dress is soaked on the bottom. Heard it cost 25k too
Random dude: Ashley looks breath taking. Could see myself marrying her. What is wrong with these people.
Ryan reminds me of Jake Pavelka.
Ben 2 seems normal, but again, the wine is about all that's in his favor.
Let's call my mom. What a weirdo. He probably still lives with Gail. When you 2 decide to forego your separate rooms remember 2 things: your moms are watching and use protection...I feel like I'm on coffee talk with Mike Meyers
Dude with the guitar. Go home. Nice vest and hanky in the pocket. Wait. He just chucked the guitar in the pool. That. Just. Happened.
I hate that guy...from the peanut gallery.
Zorro: This is exactly what I knew would happen. You cover up half your face and all of the sudden you're strange. (Uh yeah. It's not society that has the problem bud)
I'm from the land where uh, is this for real? Tim, liquor distributor, you're a buzz kill
Hey Odessa, stop being such a tool.
Tim kind of reminds me of Jack from Will & Grace. Someone get this dude some water.
Jon, looking for a teammate in life. Really?
Lucas, do any words come out of your mouth besides you're beautiful and I'm glad it's you?
Ben 215. Nice posters. He's weird. His jaws are huge
William: I'm just in sales. Yeah, pretty pathetic. Your Sean Connery impression is terrible. Worst salesman ever. The opposite of what Ashley just said. Omg he just called himself the 30 year old boy. Get out while you can!!! Yikes he sells cell phones. No.....
Tim. Get a grip. Stop being such a weirdo. Drink some coffee. He's that guy. You sell what and spurs? I had a few cocktails... I can relate to wasted opportunities. Can you? Nice bedazzled watch.
Jeff. Are you mature? Are you poised?
Can't take the heat? Get out of the oven. Thanks Frank
Tim is sawing logs by the pool. Hilarious!!!
Jeff/Zorro: first off you look amazing. (I thought this dude was not in to looks? ) To do this you have to have confidence. You're a tool
JP's nickname is cupcake.
Ashley: You know what's funny, I've always wanted the man I marry to call me cupcake. (Is she for real?)
Bentley, not so hot. Michelle had to be the informant, since he's from SLC. Melba toast. How does she think Bentley is so awesome. He's so boring. Although he's not overly attracted to her, he's competitive
First impression rose. Ryan. aka Jake Pavelka
Ashley: I hope you guys are happy it's me...camera pan to bentley. Hah.
Mask gets rose 2
American idol gets 3 (Constantine)
Winery gets 4 (Ben 2)
Odessa (GDub in training) 5
Hair/Stephen 6
Matt/Gail: 7
J Timbo: 8
Chris D: 9
Ryan M (tim's bouncer) 10
Blake (who is he?) 11
Mickey (kiss dodged) 12
Ben 215: 13
West (wife drowned) 14
William: cell phone sales 15
JP: lex Luther 16
Ames "I make more money than you": 17
Producer's choice Bentley: final rose. Obviously has a confidence issue
Anthony don't butcher yourself over it. Bahaha
Rob needs to trim the spikes once he's found himself
Bye bye semper fi. Maybe it was your tie choice. There's other fish in the sea bud. She's not the last girl on the planet
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