Bachelor Recap: Week 3

--> Seriously?  Why is Sean walking around in his underwear, and why is the camera on the ground looking up?  Let’s stay classy, or not.

Selma gets a one-on-one, and apparently there are only 3-4 levels until you reach babies.  Seriously, watch out for this one.

One of the girls, can’t remember her name, is having a serious breakdown over the date sitch.

Really not digging Sean’s two-tone t-shirt.  They must have given Selma some date tip since she wore workout clothes and not a cocktail dress.  She mentions in the limo she’s a bad dancer, but then wants to know if Sean can handle all 110 lbs of her heat…I call foul because I think there’s at least 20lbs in her boobs alone.

Either she has great hair volume, or she packed a bump-it for her ponytail.  They take a plane somewhere not very glamorous according to Sean.  I guess the seats aren’t close enough because Selma is practically lying in his lap…

The cutback between present time and her interview was weird.  “We had the limo, and then there was the jet, and then he to the Iraqi to the desert…OMG I do not do well in heat.  At. All.”  Seriously, I think she showed up to the wrong casting call, Shahs of Sunset is right up her alley.

She’s pretty disappointed.  The go for a ride in the jeep.  I don’t think she’s the type to get dirty or have her make-up run.  This should be interesting.  I’ve never heard more complaining.  He tells her they’re going rock-climbing.  They change in to the proper footwear.  He asks her what type of shoes she normally wears…6” heels.  I rest my case.

Of course Sean positions himself behind her eye level with her butt.  Selma finds her inner mountain goat and scrambles up the mountain.  Sean, the big bear is having some troubles and now his pride is on the line that the priss beat him up the cliff.  They make it to the top and assume the Titanic pose to look out over the desert at sunset.  There’s the token hawk or eagle swirling around.  Dramatic music.  Gag.

It’s dinnertime.  Full moon, coyotes howling.  Now they get to “sit down and enjoy each other.”  Sean keeps up with the sub-par date expectations.  He says she might be expecting a fancy dinner at a hotel or restaurant.  Instead they go to a make-shift trailer park.  They talk about date perfection. Why he’s still single.  She’s laying on him and looking up at him.  All he’s thinking about is making out, she’s thinking about how her Muslim mom will have a cow if she’s kissing someone on national television.  I’m worried for all parties.  It seems like she’s not going to give up the goods on TV due to her respect for family and her culture, and I have to give her props.  However, you’re 29 years old!!!!  Make your own choices.

Date Card.  Roll with the Punches.  Tierra’s pissed she’s on another group date.  Selma the tease gets a rose.  Sean says Selma has everything he’s looking for in a woman.  I know this guy is a professed Christian, so I’m going to have to scream in to my pillow about that previous comment.

Sarah’s on her first group date.  Amanda’s on her third and is a seasoned pro.  Sarah’s not going to be held back by her one ½ an arm.  Some hard core roller derby girls give them a show then say they’ll be helping teach them the ropes.  Sean says he thinks Amanda and Tierra are going to be super aggressive.  Robyn can’t even stand up, Sarah looks like she might have broken her one usable arm…this is going to be an awesome disaster.

And now I feel terrible for Sarah and her struggles with balance and the ability to get up quickly.  AshLee fills the motherly role and convinces her of her strengths and tells her she can do anything.  Sean finally finds his way over to her to give some support. She decides to gear back up and get out there.

Amanda’s no more than said she’s got this in the bag and the camera rolls and she’s broken her face…everyone’s talking about how scary this is, but she’s alert, talking…I mean I might be scared if she were unconscious.  Is that heartless?   Someone finds an ice bag from 1990 to put her on jaw.  I mean, I really did have that ice bag in my house growing up.

Now everyone is frightened and don’t think it’s worth their health.  Sean calls off the competition and they decide to have a slow skate instead.  These outfits are scandalous.  They look like Vegas cocktail waitresses.  Sarah says this was one of the most difficult days of their life…girl, you need to live more.

Tierra wants some time with Sean but can’t take the heat of the other girls.  She has some serious jealousy issues.  I think we have a season of potty mouths.  I don’t think I’ve heard as many bleeps in an episode.

The cocktail party is boring.  The girls suggest Tierra should get in to roller derby when she goes home.  She’s not amused.  Then Amanda appears looking bright and cheery.  She says she’s going to milk her injury for all it’s worth. 

Leslie the crier gets a date.  And fancy diamond earrings.  Daniella the drunky is already looking flushed, and I think Leslie’s date and earrings may send her over the edge.

Robyn leaves Tierra out of a story and Tierra flies off the handle.  She hates the girls, the environment.  She doesn’t trust anyone.  She gets up to say she’s leaving and wants to know where Sean is…no worries, he’s just making out with Lindsay right now…

Now she’s cursing, crying to the producer.  “I can’t take it, I can’t be tortured like this, I’m breaking down inside.”  He’s still making out with the wedding dress chick and getting in to his skivvies.  Tierra is just prowling by the door, and interrupts when he comes out. 

She’s moaning and complaining to him about it.  I’m bored.  Everyone is convinced Tierra is going home, and instead he goes and gets the rose and tells her he’s crazy about her.  At this point I’m extremely grossed out by the Bachelor.  He like hard core makes out with all these girls and fills them up with false promises.  Sorry Sean, you’re a sleeze.

Leslie has the big date that day.  I think she’s kind of geeky at heart.  She says holy moly and holy moly Batman a lot.  I’m embarrassed for her.  He takes her shopping on Rodeo Drive.  For those not from LA, it’s not like a rodeo with steers, it’s pronounced Row-Day-O Drive.  She picks out some pretty ugly dresses.  That purple one was awful also the one that looked like drapery.  I like the dress she finally picked out, but it’s not figure-flattering at all.  Sean cleans up nice in a tux.  Next they head to Neil Lane to complete the look.  Neil is such a cheese…She gets like a diamond plate for a necklace.  120 karats of diamonds.  I’m just waiting for a ‘holy moly Batman’ in Neil Lane…

They go to this dark mansion/hotel thing for dinner where it’s just the 2 of them.  PLEASE STOP SAYING HOLY MOLY!!!  Sean tells her she gets to keep the earrings and she geeks out.  They agree they don’t know anything about each other.  They decide to start with relationships and going down memory lane.

They’re talking and Sean is not feeling the connection.  The girls are all back at the house analyzing how it’s going.  Tierra’s eating Doritos in sweatpants, go figure.

Sean tells Leslie he’s not feeling it and takes the necklace and sends her on her way.  I hope she gets to change at the airport.  Sean goes to listen to Ben Taylor alone?  I think this is where the rose gets dropped and shatters in to a bunch of little pieces.  Sooo dramatic.  For some reason this date with Leslie makes him question whether or not he’ll find his wife.  I’m pretty sure you have 10+ girls at home that you ‘connect’ with often and that you describe as having ‘all the qualities you’re looking for’.

Cocktail Party.

Robyn comes up with this really creepy way off going in for the kiss. She has some chocolate and just keeps repeating do you want the chocolate as a gesture to the candy or her skin tone.  I was grossed out.  She’s dancing around like a little kid.

Tierra is going around flaunting her cleavage and venting to Amanda.  She feels attacked.  She “apologizes” to Robyn and Jackie, but doesn’t really want to take responsibility for anything she does.  She came to win.  The girls are not fooled by her; they know she’s only playing nice because Sean likes her now.  Sean thinks he has a great read on her and that she has a good heart.  I’m thinking he needs to have his vision checked.

Catherine admits the drama with Tierra can be distracting, but resolves to not get sucked in and to focus on Sean.  She hides something up her dress that he reaches for.  An outline of her lips in lipstick.  And says she’s been thinking about kissing him a lot.  Since they have a lot of prowling eyes, they take a walk to go mug down in the driveway.

Roses go to: Catherine, Dez, Lindsay, Lesley, Robyn, AshLee, Sarah, Jackie, Daniella.

Amanda with the bush of ratty hair goes home.  I think you can blame your lipstick, hair, dress and shoe choices for your rejection.  Wow, disaster.

P.S., I want to learn how to fishtail braid in to a topsy tail!!

Bachelor Recap: Better Late Than Never, Right?

I have to confess, I didn't feel like I had much to Recap on...all the promised 'drama' of this episode didn't do much to peak my interest.  Here are my thoughts below.  As for the contestants this season, step it up...

Oh the drama of the prequel to the show…sounds like someone pushed Tierra down the stairs?  Lesley and Sean have the longest onscreen kiss with 20 cheerers standing inches from their face…oh the weirdness of it all.  Claws are coming out amongst the girls at the good ole cocktail party.

And here we are again, same blue shorts, same Chuck Norris workout contraption and shirtless workouts. 

Sean is “blown away” by digging lots of women right now.  He actually said digging.

Chris Harrison comes to congratulate the girls for being 1 of 16.  Those are terrible odds, just sayin’. 

I think Robyn has lost her mind.  She’s praying for the one on one date card to say: “Robyn, let’s ditch these b**ches and fall in love for real.”  Is she drunk?  Did you just hear yourself?

The date goes to Lesley M.  “How long will this love last?” She’s a little nervous and hoping this date takes them to the next level.  Sean asked her what she thought the date card meant.  She’s counting on a trip, Sean has something better in mind…a tourist attraction on Hollywood Blvd.  The Guinness Book of world records.  She keeps saying this isn’t what she expected their date to be…obviously because you’re wearing a backless cocktail dress.  And I think she means, umm, I was promised private planes to Napa or something?

Turns out Sean’s dad broke a record once for driving the 48 contiguous states in the shortest amount of time.  Their Record?  Longest onscreen kiss.  I hope she brought chapstick.  Lesley says she’s a little intimidated sharing an intimate moment in front of a whole bunch of people in one of the “craziest places in America.”  Has she never been to Vegas?  NOLA on Mardi Gras?

I have to say, she may feel awkward but I feel about 10x more awkward watching this…I think ABC is trying to torture us.  Why is she grabbing hair at the top of his head?  Shaking uncontrollably?  There are so many things wrong with this besides the creepy camera guy and on-lookers.  And the fact that with both arms up, her dress about shows her butt cheeks.  Sean talks about how great of a kisser she is, even though the only thing moving is their hands, no lip action.  Her lips look numb.

Lesley thinks the perfect world would be having her parents’ marriage.  She’s afraid she might not find it, and Sean says ‘hey I’m right here!’  She plants one on him and I saw way too much tongue action on his side.  Arie’s kissing lessons need some brushing up.

Sean gives Lesley the rose.  He thinks they’ve connected on so many levels.  What does that even mean?  I think their lips are about the only thing connecting with any consistency.

Group Date, who’s going to win Sean’s heart?  The girls arrive on the beach and they’re throwing the Frisbee/football and swimming.  Then Chris Harrison arrives and everyone frowns.  He does look a little bit like Neapolitan ice cream with chocolate linen pants and baby pink shirt…it’s about to get real up in here.

Red Team vs Blue.  I won’t bore you with who’s on what team.  It’s bad news any way you look at it.  They are aw.ful.  Like, trainwreck central.  There’s probably more sand in their swimsuits and mouths than on the beach itself.

Red team loses.  There are lots of tears.  Especially from the model…get it together.  She’s cracking under the pressure.

The red team is depressed back at the house.  They lost their clothes at some point along the way, because they all show up in their bathing suits.

Lindsay feels some chemistry with her and Sean.  She’s looking for a best friend.  When Lindsay falls, she falls head over heels and gives everything to that person.  They make out, stirring macaroni.

He and Dez have some one on one time and talk about her smashing people in volleyball.  Sean’s seen the fun side of Dez, but she’s got a deep side don’t worry.  Her "deep" side is about as deep as a plastic kiddie pool.  They makeout and giggle on the couch. 

The next date card, AshLee.  Tierra tries to make a funny by saying the date’s a two-on-one…Sarah’s not amused and gives her the evil eye.

Amanda thinks she’s got this one in the bag and doubts the connections the other girls have with him.  She’s actually awake and responsive this episode, which is good news.  She tells Sean she’s everything he’s looking for.  And then he starts with saying, there’s a lot that I don’t know about you…I know you’re pretty, I can tell you have a genuine heart.  Then she talks about if they got married what she brings to the table (a light, airy, fun side).  Dez is listening in and rolling her eyes.  She’s thinking what everyone else is thinking, that Sean would be bored stiff.  Like I am right now.

Amanda feels confident she showed Sean another side to her today, and Dez is openly questioning and there’s tension.  Kacie B decides this is a great time to tattle tale and try to work it to her advantage.  She is so dumb.  Like, you’re better than this, quit acting like a child…I don’t know why she thinks this is her business, but she does.

Sean asks why she’s bringing it up.  She says she’s not a drama person, but she can’t be herself right now.  He asks her why she’s involving herself.  Good question.  He says he wants her to be Kacie, not the crazy girl.  AWESOME!  Kacie has this glassy look to her face…I think she should lay off the booze if she wants to stick around.

Lindsay gets the rose.  Kacie is a drunk mess.  Do us all a favor and go home.

AshLee’s looking forward to her date and opening up to Sean about her past.  Tierra fell down the stairs and looks completely out of it.  No one calls a paramedic, they just wait for Sean to show up…Sean’s worried she might have a concussion.  Finally EMS arrives...

Then she starts arguing with the paramedics saying she doesn’t want to go to the hospital, she’s fine, this is so stupid…if you were fine, why were you pretending to not be fine?  Her attempts for attention are backfiring.  Except that she got some personal attention from Sean and AshLee is just waiting in the wings for their date…

Finally they get to go on their date and they have Six Flags Magic Mountain to themselves.  Sean is a charitable person and he wants to see if she is as well.  They are going to be sharing their date with 2 chronically ill children.  This thrills AshLee’s heart.  Two best friends are meeting for the first time.

They have fun riding rides and enjoying the park.  Then the best day ever is capped off by a private concert with Eli Young Band.  The poor girls had to 8^th grade dance together, because Sean and AshLee are clearly going steady and slow dancing together. 

Later they get some one on one time together and they talk about family.  She talks about wanting to adopt older children some day since they’re the least likely to get adopted.  He thinks that sounds wonderful, and she’s happy he said that because she was adopted at 6.  She tells him about how much her parents loved her and how lucky she is and Sean tears up.  He gives her a rose.  I think this might be the first REAL moment I’ve seen on this show, which sadly means it’s probably not going to last…AshLee says she’s falling in love. 

I mean, I know they’re at an amusement park, but you’d think Sean could have spoofed it up a little bit…  She’s wearing a cute dress/heals, he’s wearing a hoodie, shorts and black sneakers…And now AshLee is crying and in a little too deep already in these interviews.  I think this girl might be in for a world of hurt…

Cocktail Party time.

Sean decides to do something special for Sarah since she didn’t get a date.  He takes her out front and doesn’t say anything but lets this limo pull up.  She thinks he’s sending her home and kind of freaks out, then we find out that he brought her dog to her in a stretch limo…riding in style, man!  Is this Lisa Vanderpump’s dog??

Sean then goes to look for Tierra.  She complains about not having enough time.  Sean says if she’s lucky enough to be there at the end, they’ll have all the time in the world.  Wow, a little cocky there Sean?

Then Dez swoops in to steal him, Tierra walks off pissed.  “She wasn’t done with him yet.”  Well he didn’t shoo her away so I’m guessing he was done with you…Tierra starts threatening violence.  Then she steals him back..this is getting ridiculous.  Lesley steals him from Tierra…seriously absurd.  It’s getting ruthless.

Dez is still sitting in the same spot and he’s on like the 3^rd or 4^th girl…she cries.

There are multiple steals and then Kacie B comes in to try and smooth the rough patch.  She confesses her delivery was a little off.  Honey, I don’t think it had anything to do with your delivery, crazy is as crazy does… Sean admits they took 2 steps back.  Then 2 ladies descend and pounce on his couch with Kacie…hahaha.  Yes, what are you doing there??

Sean gets a little fumbled and distracted during the rose ceremony and takes a rose with him and asks Kacie to come outside with him.  He says he can’t take her out of the friend zone and sends her off in a Honda Fit instead of a limo…Kacie, I hope you find your pride somewhere.  You are seriously acting like a high school girl.

Roses go to: Tierra, Leslie H., Catherine, Daniella, Robyn, Selma, Sarah, Jackie, Amanda, Desiree

The model and the blubbering blonde chick get sent home.  And then there were 13.

When You Hope For Too Much (maybe)

I'm writing with a heavy heart today.  I feel my future family being threatened and there's nothing I can do about it.  I want to fight, but my fight doesn't matter.  I want to scream, but my screams won't be heard.  I want to cry, but I have to keep it together.  

Foster care. 

You've gotten the best of me today.  When you find yourself hoping for too much, dreaming too much, counting on too much, you have a long way to fall.  Any setback, or perceived setback can throw you for a huge loop.

And it's hard.  I find myself wishing/hoping/praying/fighting against people and I shouldn't.  I hope for their failure and I shouldn't.  When you crave adoption so badly that you hope for someone else's failure, it's not pretty.  I have to admit that's where I am today.  I don't want to be there, but I am.

Control.  

I wish I had it but I don't.  But He does.  And He asks that I give this to Him.  That He will carry this burden that I can't.  That He will give me the strength that I don't have.  That He will protect us today and always.

Please God, take this cup from me today. 

Bachelor Recap: 1/14/13

For the 50% out there who could care less about the Bachelor, I promise a non-Bachelor related post later this week!

I'm providing my commentary, but I must say, the drama so far is not very compelling.  Maybe I'm coming from a different place (i.e. married) but all of the shirtless, shower, workout scenes are a bit too much and I'm kind of grossed out.  I think I held Sean to a higher standard maybe?

Anyway, here's my take on the goings on.  Most of this will probably not make sense if you didn't watch the episode.

From the previews

“This is my biggest dream come true right now.  Being on the Bachelor.”-Desiree.  Honey, you need bigger dreams.

Seriously, why do I have to watch him work out?  It’s kind of creepy.  And aren’t those the same blue shorts he wore last time?

Chris Harrison shows up to greet the ladies in a plaid shirt. 

Is there a hoe-down planned?  I think that Tierra chick falls down the stairs next week…

Sarah gets a one-on-one date.   A helicopter shows up…omg that never happens.  And of all people to act like this is rare, Kacie, come on.  You’ve been on this rodeo before.

Sean: “Last night I was with 26 women.  Today I'm happy to be with just one.”  You might want to rephrase that.

Why does Sarah keep saying she only has one arm?  Give yourself some credit, you have 1.5 arms.  But rest assured her ability to love is not found in how many hands she has.  That's a direct quote...

Why are we continually subjected to these rooftop rappelling/free-falling scenarios?  If I were her, I would want to vomit.  PS, it looks like people live on these floors, vomit would add a nice touch to the windows.  ABC must have some killer contract with this thrill-seeking company.

Oh and the touching experience of jumping off a building together…I’m sure we’re going to hear about this ‘connection’ a million times.

Sean tells her this story about being discriminated against because of her disability and people doubting her capabilities.  It meant a lot to her that Sean didn’t see her disability as prohibitive to an adventure.  They share a moment.   Sarah’s looking for fun and spontaneity in a relationship.  Picture perfect.  Sarah gets the rose.  And then Sean gets butterflies and they kiss.

Group Date Time...A Photo Shoot for Harlequin Romance Novel Covers.  I can think of about 10 things I'd rather do.  I feel like we're taking 2 steps back this season with date creativity...

 

Mimosas are flowing at 10 am in the limo...

Katie, I think your hair has all the personality that you don't.  Wowzers.

Selma is kind of a weirdo and lives in a fantasy world.

Kristy is having a photoshootgasm and it’s obnoxious.  Hey.  We get it.  You're a model...

Daniella feels amazing…that is until she sees her hair in the mirror.  I think the 'amazing' feelings she's having are chalked up to her booze consumption.  She will be referred to as 'that drunk girl' because she fulfills this role so well.

Robyn has a beef with Tierra.  Robyn thinks she’s a tacky hoe.  Her exact words.  Tierra thinks she's on top of the world.  What’s up with Tierra’s forehead?  Does she have a scar or something?  Everything she says is so scripted and ridiculous.

Poor Katie doesn't realize how much lipstick she has all over her teeth.  

Leslie's making a big impression on Sean as she undresses him in the photo shoot looking like Daisy Duke.  Diana is left to stand awkwardly to the side while they have their moment.

Kristy brought straight up sex to the shoot.  She’s a classy one.  And her enthusiasm is a little frightening.  She gets crowned the winner with the book cover deal. 

Cocktail Party Time.

Leslie steals Sean for some one-on-one time.  They go sit in a fancy room with nice furniture and a huge chandelier, IN THE DARK.  It’s weird.  Sean asks her to tell him why she’s really here right now.  And she says, I really don’t want to say it, but it’s true.  I’m here for love.  Give it up girl…you know that’s the only appropriate response to that question, don’t play dumb.  They do the awkward are we going to kiss dance and no one takes the initiative.

Then Leslie gets some liquid courage and steals him for round 2.  Then that drunk girl is babbling about Leslie and him making out and getting more time with him than everyone else.  She's not okay with it.  But her wine glass is soothing the pain.  It was painful.  I felt sorry for her.

Now Kacie B is going for some time with him.  She’s so annoying. Sean is mentally trying to make the shift out of the friend zone…Sean’s open to exploring things.

Catherine: “I’m vegan but I love the beef”.  I’m grossed out.  Sean liked the joke.

Selma loves the way he says “my wife.”  She really feels the sincerity.  She has the makings of a stage 5 clinger.

Tierra is chowing down on some grub.  Complaining.  Go figure.  The girls ask her to join the conversation and she continues to put out the death glare from the corner of the couch as she shoves food in her mouth.

Tierra tries to cover her butt for her foul mood of the day with Sean.  She complains about wanting to be there for him, but it’s distracting seeing him with other girls.  HELLO, why did you come on this show if you’re looking for a normal dating experience??

Desiree gets the final date.  Jackie (whoever you are) looks like she’s about to stab a voodoo doll.

Drunk girl is still babbling about how crazy it is for a bunch of girls to date the same guy.

There must be some humidity in the air because Katie’s hair has grown about 6 inches in the past few hours…she’s complaining to Kacie about how awkward this whole thing is and she doesn’t feel like she fits in.  Kacie seems nice to her face, but probably encouraged her to leave if she was having a hard time.  Katie’s not feeling the Zen and needs to go find her heart-center back at home. She tells Sean now's not her time and she makes a swift exit.

Kacie gets the rose for having the courage to come back for a second round of crazy.  I think this was a  pity rose.

Tierra’s pissed.  Another day goes by with her heart tattoo still open.  I hope she brought her stretchy pants.  She looks like the type that might chow down when she's angry.

Desiree gets the second One-on-One Date.

Sean stages a prank.  Harrison looks dapper in his suit and Sean's wearing flannel...

They’re at an art exhibit with “millions of dollars worth of art” and something’s going to fall and shatter and it will be made to look like Dez's fault.  Sean’s going to leave her in a room by herself so he can come and watch it all unfold behind the scenes.  Sounds like a recipe for a great date.  Not.

Harrison tells Sean to go freshen up.  Which means a purple shirt and tie.  Not bad.  Desiree is wearing the tightest black dress I’ve ever seen.  There's no room for the Holy Spirit in that thing, that's for sure.

Sean and Harr both agree this is a terrible idea, but they giggle  and continue.  Sean just says “I’m a bad person…”  Apparently this piece of crap art is the artist's response to Chernobyl?  I mean come on.

Desiree finds it very humorous that it fell.  So clearly staged…Sean comes in and says some stupid lines about how he’s going to support her and will always support her.  But today he doesn’t have to because it was a prank.  The art looked like a stuffed chicken made of stained glass, how could you think this is real?

Sean is taking her back to his place for dinner.  She asks if it’s going to burned!  Bah, bless her.  As if anyone actually lifts a finger this entire experience.

Sean and Dez ooh and ahh over the similarities of how they grew up and their parents’ marriages.  They talk about how they want to be best friends and it’s all very high school.  Especially when they get in the hot tub.  And then they start talking about what love is, and I just can’t get over the horrible sounds that are coming from the hot tub drain…

He gives her the rose after she toys with him a bit.  “He was feeling me, I was feeling him, so it only made sense to make out a little.”  Seriously...high school.

Pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party

“It’s becoming more and more real.” –Catherine. Well, with as fake as it is I would like to have hope that there’s some hint of reality entering the picture.

I’m not feeling Sean’s suit at the cocktail party.  The man does not have the body type for a pencil tie.  It kind of looks like a broken leash on him…

Wedding dress girl steals him.  Lindsay tries to show there’s more to her than the weird girl who showed up in the wedding gown.  Sean tells her he’s passionate about family.  “You are?  That’s so great.”  Okay, even people with jacked up families are pro-family I would think.  I mean that’s like hating puppies or kittens.

Sean is overwhelmed by how well all of the conversations are going.  It must be exhausting.

Amanda is sitting around like a bump on a log…she seems like she’s under hypnosis and the only snap is Sean’s appearance.  I don’t know if it’s edited, but it seemed like you could throw peanuts at her face and nothing would happen.

Amanda found a coffee cup somewhere.  Maybe that will put a pep in her step.  Hope she packed some mints in her pockets.

Robyn wants to know how race/ethnicity will affect her chances.  She wants to know if he’s attracted to black females.  Sean “loves” this question.  He is down to getting jiggy with it, black, white, Cuban or Asian.  Side note, I thought I looked good in yellow, Robyn may upstage me.

Selma wants to teach Sean something in Arabic.  This should be good with his Southern accent…Selma might be better suited on the Shahs of Sunset.

Drunk girl is at it again with the white wine.  Every one is on the outs with Amanda.  Her glittering personality is not going over so well.  Her one on one time with Sean seems forced.  All the girls pick up on her split personalities.  I don’t see her making it very long…

Sarah, Kacie and Desiree already have the coveted buds.   Remaining roses go to: AshLee, Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Leslie M., Selma, Catherine, Kristy, Leslie H., Tierra, Taryn, Daniella, Amanda

Diana and Brooke get the boot.

Bachelor Recap

I must say, I was a little bit confused as to whether or not I was watching an ad for Gold's Gym or the show.  We have a montage of shirtless scenes, featuring some exercise and muscle pumping.  Later we're treated to some cheesy lines about him hoping to be a woman's rock while he scales a rock/cliff.

But first, we have to travel down the Emily heartbreak highway.  He heads to mom and dad's to lick his wounds and play with his nieces/nephews in their matching plaid shirts.  I'm just wondering if there's another armadillo in the oven...

Dad asks how his heart's doing, and Sean lets the world know it's getting better, but he's looking for love to compliment his life.  He's the odd one out at family functions because he's the only one who's single.

Noticeably missing is Chris Harrison in the first 40+ minutes...where's the counseling session?  I guess Sean is just a little too normal for this piece.  Instead we get to experience the bromance between Ari and Sean.  They bond over the proverbial wool being pulled over their eyes by Emily.  Ari coaches Sean on handing out roses, how to dump a girl, and even some kissing pointers.  I wasn't sure if they were actually going to practice or if this was strictly a lesson...

Ahhh, there's Harrison looking dapper as ever.  We now get to 'meet' some of the girls from the season. Here's my take
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Desiree, I sincerely question your style techniques based on the chick wearing that tacky wedding dress…

Tierra is the crazy it appears this season!  Did I miss her on the cheat sheet??

Robyn, you need some hobbies.  Dancing in the middle of the park and sticking Post-It notes everywhere hardly qualify.

Diana, our young mom/divorcee this season.  Will Sean want to go the step-dad route again? 

Sarah, I’m rooting for you!!

Ashley.  “I don’t know why I’m still single.”  Probably because you are the crazy cat lady that reads 50 Shades of Grey (aka porn) in your room alone.  I'm seriously grossed out.

Lesley, the Southerner in DC and against all the DC nerds.  She describes herself as the modern Southern belle.  So embarrassing that she said “I will campaign for Sean’s heart if I have to.”

Kristy the Ford model.  Obnoxious.  “Girls will be jealous of me.”  Someone's a little over confident.  And her PT seemed to get a little close for comfort...

AshLee, the personal organizer.  The adoptee/foster child.  Bless her heart!  Rooting for her too.  Although, I think she may have some OCD tendencies given her past.  And I'm not sure what a personal organizer actually does, but I think I need one!

Now that we've had that little preview, it's time for the girls to arrive.  I provided some short-hand notes of all the entries to jog your memory.  Let the craziness begin...

 

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AshLee is the first out of the limo.  “They say to save the best for last, but not in this case.” Oh, hey girl.

Jackie pulls out the red lipstick to leave her mark on him in the way of a kiss on the cheek.

Selma pulls a wad of sweaty tissues out of her bosom to wipe the lipstick off his cheek.  Seems a little too planned.

Leslie has a case of the schoolgirl crush…did you really just say Holy Toledo?

Daniella, has a bad case of bed hair.  And what’s with the handshake?  She almost racked him!

Kelly, I’m embarrassed for you.  The song was so Miranda Lambert wanna-be.  Also, please don’t tan so much. It makes your face look realllly shiny.

Katie, the yoga instructor.  She wasn’t wearing shoes…gross

Ashley, this is more like 50 shades of awkward.  Pulling the tie out of your boobs?  Really?

Taryn, she doesn’t watch the Bachelor.  They’re going to have a fresh start, if she actually tells him her name.

Catherine, find her for a dance?

Robyn…poor thing.  She ate it, hard.  And it looked like her elbow twisted in a direction it wasn’t supposed to go.

Lacey, nickname Lace.  She hands him a wad of lace in the shape of a heart.  It was weird.

Paige, what the heck is a jumbotron operator?  She was on the Bachelor Pad, strike one…

Tierra.  She has an open heart tatt on her finger and hopes Sean will be the one to complete it.  Vomit.  She has some serious seductive eyes going on…

Sean tells her to wait, and walks off…soooo dramatic!  Not.  He goes to grab a rose and “bend the rules a little bit.”  He gives her the rose right on the spot.  When Tierra walks in and the girls see the rose, they're immediately jealous…figures.

Amanda, she wants to have the awkward pause and get it out of the way.  I’m dying.

It must be realllllly humid in LA.  Keriann was having some curl/half-curl issues going on.

Desiree, like her dress but not the color.  She brings pennies for the fountain, how cute!

Sarah, she says she always envisioned falling in love on the Bachelor.  Yikes.

Brooke, she reminds me of Foxy Brown with that hair-do.

Dianna, she wants to run off with the Bachelor, he wasn’t tempted.  He actually said he wanted to talk to the other girls inside.  Probably smart since you'd be walking in to a house-full-of-kids situation.  For someone who owns a salon, I was expecting something better with the hair-do.

Lesley, she brought a football.  She pretends to call a play so she can admire his rear-end.  I like her style.

Kristy, I think you’re a little too sure of yourself.  I think it’s going to bite you in the rear-end.

Ashley H., “Hi Ken, I’m Barbie.”  Gosh how many times are we going to hear that tonight?  Not a fan of the mermaid dress.  Especially when it’s so tight the fabric ripples across the front…

Lauren, apparently she has My Big Fat Italian Family.  Her dad must be in the mob, I think Sean’s terrified.  And he should be.  She told him her dad would break his legs...great first impression.

OH NO, it’s the chick in the bridal gown.  Oh my word…Lindsay said, “you may now kiss the bride” and proceeds to force-kiss him on the mouth.  WOW

And now for the surprise guest…No. 26, I already don’t like the shoes…Oh no, it’s Kacie B.  I’m already annoyed.  Her voice/laugh are so irritating.

Kacie walks in confidently until the you hear the whisperings/muttering/profanity (thanks for keeping it classy “Anastasia”) going around the house.  “She came in fourth on Ben’s season, she made it really far.”  I mean, they’re not even trying to pretend like it’s not a competition.  Christian Grey's wannabe lover aka Anastasia brings out the parents’ card…burn

Sean comes in.  He tells them not to be nervous.  Just be yourself, relax.  Little does he know that is near impossible for any of these people without copious amounts of alcohol.  Then the inevitable Emily name-drop.  The girls should tremble at all of the comparisons that are about to happen.

The wedding designer (Desiree) feels like she’s at prom.  I’m guessing that’s where her maturity level is stuck.

Kacie gets some time with Sean.  He’s a gentleman and offers her his coat.  I guess they have hung out before?  At a Bachelor event?  He met her as a friend…uh oh.

Desiree and Sean talk about growing up with siblings.  She gets the second rose.  At this rate, he might hand them all out before the ceremony.

The claws are coming out…and Capt. Obvious makes an appearance.  “He handed out another rose, that’s like 2 roses.” 

Kacie B. “He’s handed out another rose and I’m roseless.”

AshLee gets a rose.  Then Tierra, Desiree, and AshLee try to upstage each other and say maybe Tierra’s wasn’t the first impression rose.

Tierra goes off slurring in the confessional about how she got the rose after saying one sentence to John, that was it…I swear she slurred and said John not Sean.  Oops.

Now it’s rapid-fire and Sean's handing out roses left and right, but not to everyone.  

Bridal Gown: I hope he gets the joke.  I want him to know I’m a goofball.  But honestly, I wish I was more sober right now. BAHAHAHAHA, for realz

Then she tries to make out with him.  She says give me a kiss, and follows it up with, I’m not contagious.  YIKES.

Christian Grey starts bumping and grinding her way around the house.  She’s hammered and embarrassing herself.  I hope she sees an early exit.  She has a one on one with Sean shortly after and pulls the tie out of her boobs again.  Sean says he brought a rape whistle in case he finds himself in trouble.  Hilarious.  I almost peed.  Sean was ever the gentleman, but followed with "50 shades of grey may have become 50 shades of drunk."

The girls are starting to get flustered and are swarming him like flies to the buttermilk.

The blonde in the navy, Taryn, is having a drunk, emotional moment.  Get yourself together girl.  This show is all about competing for your man.

Sarah is also taking a backseat.  She’s a bit insecure and nervous.  She doesn’t feel that she deserves what everyone else gets because she has some baggage with her handicap.  Poor thing.  You’re beautiful!  She gets her chance to talk to Sean and gets a rose.

Rose Ceremony time.  About half the girls already have roses.  7 more to hand out. 

They go to: Amanda, Leslie M., Kacie, Kristy, Daniella, Taryn, Lindsay?!

Paige, I think it’s time to hang your hat on the Bachelor franchise…

Honestly, the progressive rose hand out was genius.  It’s much easier to remember 7 names than 19…What do you think of our Bachelor?  His one-liners are pretty good and timely, but I'm afraid I'm going to get bored this season.