I would love them too much...

Fourteen months and two foster placements later, we have pretty much heard every kind, thoughtful, awkward, and offensive comment you could imagine in our foster care adventure. Although pure motives are typically driving these inquiries, it has caused me to think a bit more before I speak.  From someone who does not typically shy away from an awkward situation (a strength in foster care) I often enjoy these uncomfortable situations, since it is typically not at my expense.

The most common comment I have received about foster care is the following:

"I would love the child too much to give them back."

At surface level this is a fair and benign thought, but in reflection, what is the true meaning or inspiration? Are they saying that they would love the child more than I? Are they saying it would be easier to say goodbye if I cared for the child less? Are they saying that I have superhero emotional strength or a numb heart? Or are they just saying that if they did foster care, which they probably won't (which is fine by the way), they would only do it if they could keep the child? Notwithstanding, I believe people who make statement about "loving the child too much" are often naive to the real purpose of foster care. It isn't so that a void is filled in our hearts or homes. Foster care exists to provide a safe, secure, loving, and many times temporary placement for children who were not living in an appropriate home or shelter before.

These potential underlying messages might be stemmed from my own insecurities, but they have really made me think about my motivations behind foster care, which in turn has made it slightly easier to say goodbye. Children in the system need security, felt safety, and our unconditional love more than anything. To refrain from providing any of these things might be easier to do, but would be a disservice to them. I primarily got on board with foster care from a logistical standpoint because I learned about a problem in our community that we could help remedy. Sure we wanted to become parents and have children to call "ours" but most of all, we wanted to be able to care for children that needed a home, and to meet the child's aforementioned needs as best as we could, without expecting anything in return.

Although saying goodbye was not an original concern I had when preparing for foster care, as most of  my concerns were logistical, it was one of the hardest things I had to do with our first foster child. Not only was she our first child ever (which brought its own challenges), she was the first person to call me "daddy." We are not superheroes, super Christians, or anything else out of the ordinary. We are just doing our best to be faithful to what God has called us to do, and to attempt modeling the unconditional and sacrificial love that our heavenly Father has given to us. Unfortunately, we often fail at those things, but recognizing this is the first step in moving in the right direction.


For more about our motivations behind foster care, see my wife's earlier post here.