The Bachelor, Episode 4: Or better known as the Michelle Show...

We begin this episode learning all about Michelle's mysterious black eye and how she is so befuddled as to how it happened.  I have a theory, I'm going to guess that you punched yourself in the face to get more attention.  Otherwise I have no idea why you would continually bring it up to try and get people to care about you.

Chris Harrison drops by to deliver a date card, and gets out of the hen house as quickly as possible.  The date card is for Chantal and it says something to the effect of, "How Deep is Your Love..."  Michelle tries to keep her cool, but we know she is about to spin out - of - control.  She reminds me of those Fembots from Austin Powers, it's just a matter of time before she explodes.

Brad comes by the house and has an awkward few minutes with the ladies while waiting for their ride.  And suddenly, out of nowhere, a helicopter lands in the backyard and Chantal says "shut up" about 8 times to show her surprise.  Pretty sure the novelty of the helicopter wore off about 8 seasons ago.  They are whisked off to their "island" destination, Catalina island that is.  Chantal starts spouting off about enjoying the island life or culture or something to that effect, and I wanted to not so subtly  remind her that they're still in California, not the Caribbean.

They board a boat and of course we find out Chantal will be conquering her biggest fear.  What would the Bachelor be without getting these women out of their comfort zone?  (You will see this repeated about a bajillion times this season).  They will be walking on the ocean floor together.  Which sounds exciting, until you see that the water is this murky brown color and there's kelp everywhere.  Come on ABC, spring for some treasures on the ocean floor, or a giant shark or something, come on!

Later, Brad and Chantal hang out at their beach bungalow, and we see that they actually have good flirty chemistry.  Chantal apologizes for slapping Brad in the face (thank you!) and lets us know that tonight is a "make it" night.  In between romp sessions, Brad finally peels his face away for long enough to extend her the rose.  Although we know her acceptance is a given, Brad still says please about 12 times.  We need to start a 'please' counter, because it is out-of-control.  In his solo camera time, Brad says that today was like any other day for him.  That's interesting, because you just walked on the ocean floor...do that often in Austin?  Chantal has some serious feelings for Brad.

Next we have the dreaded group date.  Brad takes 8 of the women to "Love Line" with Dr. Drew for a "safe" place to talk about our feelings.  Do I really need to state the obvious here?  But it's okay, Brad once again reminds us of his time in therapy and that he now knows how to open up.  He also mentions several times that he wants to be himself.  (Not really sure who else you could be...)  Anywho, Ashley the cuckoo dentist lets everyone know that she's shutting down and Britt takes this opportunity to let Brad know she's digging him but is intimidated by him.  Brad eats this with a spoon.  Ashley is in the corner about to either black out, or spin out of control.  The booth is far too confining for her overdramatic hand motions.

We skip to a hot tub party that's nice and cramped with Brad and eight other girls.  Stacey the cheater steals Brad for some quality time, which entails her in her swimsuit and him fully clothed.  Also, I don't think she has anything productive to say because she's too busy undressing him with her eyes.  Next, Allie tries to pull him away for some quality time where they talk about drinking and carousing, and she gets denied by the Winn Dixie Ashley who's kinda sorry, but not enough to let them finish.  W.D. Ashley is trying to make sure Brad hasn't lost that loving feeling, when of course, someone pops in to steal him.  Brad lets us know he's loving the attention.  Later, Brad is straight up mugging down with Britt when Ashley the dentist pops up.  She's a little drunk and really just should not have opened her mouth and any point on the date.  They have an awkward conversation, which Ashley basically shows him how terrible she is, but Brad won't let her get away.  He fully intends to give her the rose to show her how he feels when they all reunite at the hot tub, but deflects when she throws a tantrum right before the rose can be given.  Britt's given the consolation rose, and is perfectly happy with it.  Maybe Brad can feed her some sandwiches in between make out sessions.

Back at the house, Michelle is still stewing in her narcissism with her black eye and need for one-on-one time.  The date card arrives, and finally Michelle gets her chance.  Before she can dismiss everyone else and tell them to go pack their bags, Chantal informs her that her date card didn't have love in it, wonder why?  Her insecurities take over, and it's now Chantal 1, Michelle 0. 

The next morning, Ashley's hangover has left her with some mild depression with regret from last night.  She realizes she's a colossal idiot, but can't bring herself to stop talking about it.  Brad arrives to pick Michelle up, but she gets dissed so he can straighten things out with Ashley.  Michelle is in a word, pissed.  Chantal comes in for the friendly reminder that she too pulled a douche bag move on one of their dates where she sulked in the corner.  Michelle backfires because nothing is going to ruin HER day.  Chantal 2, Michelle 0.  We think there's hope she'll ruin her date, but all hope fades when they pull up to Brad's house.  When suddenly, out of nowhere, a helicopter comes to pick them up. 

They land on a rooftop of a tall building and Michelle wishes she had brought her paper bag to prevent any panic attacks.  I just couldn't get over her black tennis shoes.  I mean, come on...who wears those...After what seems like forever, Brad finally convinces her to repel down the building so they can friggin' eat.  They each share how this is going to bring them so much closer conquering fears together, and I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.  They make it down, and Michelle has to remind us that her date is better than all of the other dates.  To this, my witty little husband sitting next me pretending he's reading when he's really watching, says: "why does she always have to compare herself to everyone else?"  The answer my friends, is that Michelle is a whole big bag of crazy, and I could go on.  Michelle says to Brad, that was one of the scariest things ever...to which my sweet little husband responded "I'm pretty sure dating you would be the scariest thing ever."  Touche.  However, our dense friend Brad hopes she will PLEASE take the rose as he imagines a future with her and Brielle.  Definitely going to vomit.

Queue the rose ceremony.  Everything was going dandy until the wheels done came off when Brad invites Emily to join him on a private picnic in the front yard.  I didn't realize a basket of wine, pillows, and a blanket equaled covenant for these girls, but the water works set in and everyone was hoping Brad would put them out of their misery and propose now.  Well, my personal opinion is that Emily doesn't show much interest.  He's definitely the pursuer in this instance while all of the other girls practically pile on top of him.  I don't think this romance will last long.  Chantal, quit wiping your eyes and telling us how dumb you feel.  It's a picnic for pete's sake, grow a pair. 

Our show ends with Stacey, the red head, and Meghan being sent home.  My only comments are that Stacey needs to buy clothes that fit that aren't from Forever 21, Meghan needs to quit shopping in the maternity dress section and buy shoes that fit/you can walk in.  The red head left with some of her pride still in tact.  I was kinda hoping Lisa with sex hair might get the boot, or the Marissa girl who I swear lurks in the shadows, or Jackie the Lea Michele wannabe.

Next week is sure to be a shocking epi with ABC proving there is no limit to their scumminess with putting Emily on Nascar date.  I mean really, come on!!