Bachelor Recap

Good News!  I finally had a free evening to sit down and watch the Bachelor and provide a little commentary.  I have been keeping up with the show the best I can, but to be honest, it's paaaaaainful.  Ben has about as much personality as a wooden spoon, and is quite possibly one of the worst conversationalists I've ever witnessed.  And the girls...wow.  I don't even know what to say about who's left, doesn't seem like there's a rhyme or reason for who he picks.  Anyhow, on with it...


The girls and Ben are now in Panama.  The land of lush green and sick nasty brown waterways.  In stead of the lovely Harrison, we have Ben to come and greet the ladies and drop off the first date card.


Kacie B. gets the first date and is instructed to pack 3 items...


Ben comes by later to get Kacie and has the most gosh-awful black tennis shoes and swim trunks on.  I was literally reminded of candy corns at Halloween.  It goes really well with his overall butt cut and frizzy hair.  Kacie is wearing some hippy looking top and basically looks like she got ready in 5 minutes.  Low and behold, a helicopter descends to take them on their date, girly screams.  They land on a deserted island where it will be just the two of them for the day.


Ben's wondering about Kacie and if they will run out of things to talk about.  Giving your conversation skills I would say this is inevitable.


It's the big reveal for the items they packed. Kacie goes first showing a pet monkey, a corkscrew/knife/MacGyver tool combo, and candy.  Did she only get 5 minutes to pack??  Ben pulls out a machete (kind of creepy since you're on a deserted island), matches and something else...wasn't paying attention.


After Ben takes out his rage on some coconuts, they go fishing and build a campfire.


Back at the house, the next date card arrives.  We hear an FML and see that Rachel and Blakely are going on the 2 on 1.  And Blakely flips her lid and is SOOO excited, and Rachel thinks it’s awkward and is the opposite of excited.  Blakely is hoping her positive outlook will outshine Rachel.


Back to Kacie and Ben's candelit dinner...I'm guessing the heli finally came back for them since the candy was not really an appropriate dinner choice.  Kacie knows she needs to open up but is having some hesitance.  Finally she spills the beans about having an eating disorder in high school and how that somehow makes her unable to relate to people her age.  I'm sorry, wasn't that like 6 years ago for you and don't most high school girls struggle with body image and control??


Anywho, Ben applauds this and gives her the rose to continue the journey together.  We might need a reappearance of the baton twirling to resuscitate some life back in to this date.  Side note, I think Kacie needs to understand what a true “scale” is.
Group Date: exploring panama, rivers, jungles, and poop brown water...

Jamie thinks Ben’s so manly rowing the boat…yikes.  She needs to get out more.

As they're rowing along, they stumble upon a village and some kids playing soccer in loin cloths, just your normal Wednesday outing in Panama I'm sure.  They decide to stop and explore the village...totally impromptu I'm sure...

The women are ushered in to some tents to get changed in to some proper village garb.  To include sequined beaded tops.  It doesn’t take Courtney 2 seconds to get naked.  Emily is less than thrilled, as are the rest of the girls who opt to keep their clothes on!  Ben loves Courtney's self expression, of course.  He’s wearing a loin cloth…I’m grossed out.  I've had enough nakedness out of both of them.

At some point a village dance parties starts and Courtney makes it her mission to isolate her and Ben from the other girls to try and make it a one-on-one with just a bunch of other people.  The girls are pissed, but not ballsy enough to do anything about it.

After-party.  Ben pulls Lindzi aside who was obviously feeling the cocktails.  She talks about not being a fighter in relationships, but then stumbles in to something about crying...I don't know it was not coherent, but Ben appreciated it.

Ben asked to steal Courtney, then she says about 9 times “I’m being stolen”  Then she makes sure he has her room number memorized.  Then she talks about ‘feeling bad’ about laying it all out there.  So you feel bad about being bad about being pathetic and needing validation from a guy by hooking up with him?  Is that what I'm hearing?  This girl needs to get some self respect and figure out what quality time actually means.

Jamie and Ben have some interesting time alone.  She's hoping to make her move on him and get a kiss, but ruins it by talking a mile a minute and loses her chances completely when Ben basically tunes her out to watch Courtney swimming in the pool seductively right behind them.

Emily redeems herself with her time with Ben.  She makes a joke about falling for the tribe Chief and Ben says he appreciates her humor.

Later, Emily tries to make amends with Courtney…and Courtney says she respects that but she says nobody can treat her like that and get away with it.  She says they will never be friends, etc, etc.  She keeps saying something about shitting in her hat….what does that even mean??

That night, Courtney puts on her makeup in hopes he shows up to her room…this is so sad and pathetic.  Then she cries about it and says guys don’t appreciate her enough.  Ben never shows up.

Two on One: Rachel vs. Blakely

Blakely is uber confident that there’s no competition between her and Rachel.  Ben says they are pretty even and that this will be the hardest date ever.

He’s not looking for someone that can shake their hips in a latin lounge, but for a connection.  That's deep.

"Salsa is very sexual and sensual, and that’s who I am"-Blakely.  What’s up with her upper lip?  It's like red from her nose all the way to her upper lip...lip fungus from the cocktail lounge?

Blakely shakes her hips with the best of them.  She is such a better dance than Rachel in her own opinion.  She's trying so hard that is she is visibly sweaty, and dancing all sorts of tacky...killer combo.  Rachel can't figure out why she's using her sexuality to get Ben's attention...I have a few ideas.  It's one right out of the Courtney handbook.

At dinner, Ben takes each of them aside to help make his final decision.  He talks to Rachel and she tries to seal the deal...they make out.  Blakely can barely keep it together and she presents him with a collage/scrapbook of their time together and says she could see herself living with him in SF.  I think he finally caught on that he's got about a stage 5 clinger and needs to cut the cord.

When they're all back together, Ben gives the rose to Rachel and Blakely storms out.  Ben chases her down and does a terrible job of explaining himself.  He says he respects her too much for a one-on-one?  Ouch.  What was the point of the random ally cat?

The next morning Harrison comes in to pull Casey S. aside.  I like to call Casey S. "Karen" because I swear she is the incarnate of Karen from Mean Girls.  Karen is flabbergasted and confused.  Chris says he's been in touch with several people from the US that inform him that she has a boyfriend back home that she's in love with.  She denies it.  Chris says he spoke to Michael and says that he and Casey are still in a relationship and were living together before she left.  She says Michael never wanted to get married, she did…maybe I need therapy because I’m not fully over it.  She’s hoping he will change.  She doesn’t want to be in love with Michael but she still is…Harrison says they need to go find Ben and have a real conversation.

And she’s walking around the hotel barefoot.

They go to Ben’s room.  “I’m still here (duh!), and I came in to this wanting to get over a guy that I was in love with and never wanted to marry me.”  She says she doesn't think Michael is holding her back.  Ben says he doesn't sugar coat things and says yes he is. 

"You hold back, you’re not open.  I wish I knew sooner because I sent other girls home who really wanted to be here."-Ben

She starts crying because she doesn’t want to feel that way but she does and it sucks because even if she goes home, she can’t be with him either…she’s an ugly crier.  Ben goes out on the balcony looking pensive.  Poor Casey in the denim romper, boo hoo hoo.  For real, we get another 5 minutes of ugly crying.  Poor Karen.

Harrison comes back to break the news to the other girls and reiterates the fact to be completely open, and if you’re not being open, step away.  Now’s the time.

This will be a rose ceremony where Court’s not going in to it with a rose…wonder if she’s feeling the pressure.

Cocktail Party

7 women, 1 going home.

Nicki feels giddy when she’s around him and talks about him.  Then they 6^th grade dance…odd.  She’s falling in love.  Ben looks totally bored until they start making out.

Courtney asks Rachel who she thinks is on the chopping block.  Rachel says I don’t know, and Courtney says she feels like she might be going home.  Rachel says, really?  Courtney says, psh, no way, I'm totally confident.

Jamie wants to show Ben she has a sexy, womanly side in the most awkward and manic way possible…she says she lays in bed thinking of things she wants to do with him…what?  She’s made plans…to straddle him and make out with him in a short cocktail dress…and to play with his hair.  Gross.  She’s getting “fancy” with him…but she can’t stop laughing.  She wants to get fancier…what??  She is so awkward.  They’re planning out how they’re going to kiss each other.  Better yet she is planning out their kiss second by second.  If there was any chemistry between them it just went face first out the window...And while they’re kissing she’s given him instructions and he freaks out.  This.is.terrible.  This is what happens when you’re trying to force passion that is nonexistent. 

Jamie: "I really like you, are we clear?"  Umm, the only thing I'm clear on is that you may never get another kiss in your entire life.

Rose Ceremony:

Ben’s been thinking about trust and that he trusts them all…Roses go to:

Nicki

Courtney

Emily

Jamie the worst kisser in America gets sent home.  Who’s the fedora dude with the limo.  Jaime talks and says something about timing and things developing slowly.  Honey, I don’t think timing is your issue...just sayin'

Who wears short shorts?  That was my initial thought as the girls all pile out of the van to meet up with Ben.  Can Courtney please drop the skinny dipping?  We saw, we’re over it.

My Apologies

I have to be honest, life is getting in the way of: a) watching the Bachelor and b) having the time to blog about it...

Just a head's up, I'm not sure when I will be able to watch the episode from this week and write an appropriate response for it...we have a lot going on during the week for the 6 weeks so please bear with me.  If you need a fix of Bachelor parody, I would suggest two blogs on my Reading List, I Hate Green Beans and LC Blogs.  Both are pretty hilarious, but not as funny as me right??  I promise I will try to keep up with the show and provide my commentary.  Remember, this is temporary.  Don't give up on me forever!  Gosh, I'm so dramatic...

Bachelor Recap: Episode 2

We get the treat of going to Ben's hometown of Sonoma, CA.

The preview is too much, ladies are dropping L-bombs, homegirl Blakely is trying to mark her territory, the model is trying to sabotage everyone else, lots of making out, and of course tears from Jenna.

Ben's walking 'my dog skip' in his mismatching blue tennies and camou green shirt.  The girls are already boozing on the way to the vineyard.

They pull in with vintage Bentleys...jealous!  They get a new house for the week.

Kacie B gets the first date card.  "I'm one of the luckiest girls alive right now."

He pulls up in an old Jeep and old man vest, checkered gingham shirt and blazer.  Kacie's rocking the booty shorts, striped sweater and knee boots.  He's going to show her something near and dear to his heart.  They tour the city, which took all of 2 minutes.  Now they're going to take a stroll.  Bored.

"What I get from Southern women is that they're very family oriented; that's a big part of their culture."  Culture, really?

Kacie is feeling things rising in her she hasn't felt in a while.  She has no need to front.  She can be herself.  They head in to a toy store and pick out lunchboxes.  She gets a Kermit.  Then as they're leaving she sneaks off to buy a baton.

Then she gets real serious and says she has to tell him something very serious and very embarrassing.  True Life: I used to be a baton twirler.  OMG, no way.  Then she proceeds to twirl in the middle of the street.  They stir the pot together.  How cute. 

They go to a quaint little place "The girl and the fig" to eat dinner.  He explains that he came back to NorCal because it holds the fondest memories of his childhood and father.  And that's why he came back and his mom and sis followed.  She asks him what his father taught him about the man he wants to be.  He says a soccer dad.  She talks about how she was raised in the dirty south and he says he wants to come see.

Back at the house...Group Date Card Arrives: Brittney, Rachel, Jennifer, Blakely, Emily, Jenna, Shawn, Monica, Samantha, Jamie, Nicki, and Jaclyn.  "Come play with me.  Ben"

Blakely:  "The girls are getting excited about going on a date with the other girls basically.  I'm not here to go on a date with the other girls, I'm here to go on a date with Ben."  Are you sure?  You and Monica seemed like you wanted to have some alone time last week...

Ben gives Kacie the rose.  Having her there reaffirms why he decided to do this again.  Hope.  He can trust her he says and can share special things with her.  How do you know this on one date?  And when you're about to go on a date with 12 other people the next day.

He has one more trick up his sleeve.  He takes her to a theater where we're treated to a montage of home videos of her and her father.  Her and her twirling days.  She just laughs and soaks it in...I would be like, what??  Where did you get this?  And be in shock and awe...I guess these girls are just immune.  They expect helicopters.

Then we get to see Ben's early days and his lack of clothing.  We get to see Ben watch videos of when his dad was alive and we're all a bit sentimental.  This was actually one of the more genuine, honest dates I've seen on this show in a LONG time...I don't know what to say...I expect hot tubs not real emotions.  Ah, but the stirring macaroni brings me back.

Next day, Ben is amped for his group date.  He's chinos are ironed and his Gap favorite tee is a dashing shade of Navy.  Blakely says her name is all over this date rose and her girls are out.to.play in her romper.

Ben's hired the best playwrights in all the land and they're going to be performing a play.  Monica's inner actress and improv is coming out.  All the girls have high expectations and show up to a group of 10 year olds who wrote the play...crickets.  And they must audition.

Jennifer is up first.  They ask her to act like a weasel.  She makes the most terrible noise ever.  Then all the other girls up on stage and act out all sorts of weird stuff.  Nicki is marveling over how great he is with the kids and says its a huge turn-on.  The kids had high expectations...hilarious

Sweet little girl in the blue was totally mortified by Boobs Magee (aka) Blakely.  She didn't like her very much.  Everything is large with Blakely.  The boobs, the earrings, and her fake teeth.  Yowza.

Back at the mansion, Courtney takes her opportunity to hate on Lindzi and whether or not the first impression rose was such a big deal.  She tries to say her connection with Ben was more than hers...
Courtney: "I think the horse got the First Impression Rose..." ouch.

Erika recognizes Courtney is trying to bring them down.  Debbie Downer, wah wah wahhhhh....

Jenna is Merlin the Wizard.  Jennifer is the weasel.  We also have a princess, bunny, hippie...hot mess.
Samantha: What do you get when you mix a hooker and the gingerbread man?  Blakely!

Ben invites the entire town of 25 Sonomans to see their interpretation of a fairytale story.  Prince Pinot of Bachelorville.  The story is horrendous and so random...but then Monica the dragon gets to blow his sheep costume off on stage and he's basically in his skivvies...I thought this was supposed to be PG??  Then the Princess talks about how this is the first time she's been attracted to a sheep...

Post-Production Party.  Ben recycles the black gingham shirt from last night.  The weasel gets the oscar.

Hey Blakely...just because this is a cocktail party, doesn't mean you need to be 'on duty.'  Samantha feels sad for her desparity and calls her a cougar.  Awesome.

Ben says Blakely seems grounded.  What?  He asks where her style comes from.  She says she thought her outfit was cute, and being blessed in certain places...blah blah blah

Samantha goes and hides out in the bathroom.  Sitting on the toilet.  Blakely is getting to her...seriously, find your sash and tiara and get it together.

Back at the house, date card time.  Courtney could use a one on one date like a shot in the arm.  She gets the date.  "Courtney, let's spin the bottle..."
Courtney: "He wants to kiss me."  To Kacie: "How did that taste coming out of your mouth?"
I think this was meant to be an insult, but it's so awkwardly put I can't take it seriously.

The girl in the mesh top is super dramatic.  Congrats Court, you got under our skin...

Back to the group date.  Everyone's stripped to the bikinis and playing chicken.  Blakely is withdrawn so she can focus and keep her eye on the prize.  She's already visualized the rose and says it feels really good.  See the rose, be the rose.

The weasel pulls him aside and gets all giddy.  They keep talking in circles about how much fun they're having, great date, glad to be here...then stirring macaroni.  She could easily be on her way to falling in love.  She wasn't the leading lady today, but she's hoping she will be tonight.

Blakely is a Scorpio, which equals passionate and great lovers...she's ready for some "adult" time with Ben.  She likes an audience.  They have a passionate kiss in the pool and she can't even talk about it without getting 'excited'.  Gross.

Jaclyn is the narrator for Ben and Blakely and talks about the quick and easy way, pun intended, to get a man's attention and the rose.  Jaclyn says if Blakely gets the rose, heads will roll.  Jennifer is lost because she doesn't know what to believe after spying Boobs and Ben's hard core makeout in the pool.

And the rose goes to Blakely of course, because she owned the day and the night...sorry ladies, next time you need to flaunt your assets more.  Jennifer is red-faced and crushed.

Monica to Samantha:  Are you mad?
Samantha: I think we're just all surprised that a candy striping hooker could be taken seriously enough to get a rose.
Easy there tiger...

Blakely understands her affect when she starts talking and everyone leaves...well that's what happens when you're annoying and gloat.

Courtney's One-on-One.  She's a model for crying out loud...he's hoping that their connection is more than skin deep.

He brings his "son" Skip Scotch along to meet his girl.  Hopefully the dog can snuff out a fake better than he can.

Ben's going with the gray/charcoal shade of the fav tee.  Courtney, meanwhile, throws together some white jorts, a faded denim pearl snap and some cowboy boots for her date.  For being a model I thought she would have more style points...I guess that's why she does print ads for K-mart probably.

Kacie still has bitter feelings about Court's comment from last night and hopes Ben sees the 'real' her sooner than later.

Court starts her date by saying he looks hot driving the Jeep.  She's hoping for some wine and a smoochie...what a lush.  He wants to see if she can handle the small town, because this is not LA.  And seeing her walking, I'm not surprised runway is not in her future.

Ben: Can you deal with the slow lifestyle?
Court: Yes, that's what I'm hoping for.

Scotch and Ben have a 'rock and roll' howling thing going on in the trees...it was interesting.

Court brings up she hasn't been on a date in a while.  She doesn't get asked out often.  I don't know if she's being self-deprecating or honest.  Scotch whines and Ben says he's cold and gives him a blanket.  Court says he's a good dad, and they both talk about how they might want kids in the future.  Is Courtney the Bentley of this season?  I can't tell...she seems so normal on the date.  Maybe that's her strategy.  Later, she sits in his lap and he drives her around on the tractor.  He has suited up and she's out in grandma's sweater.  They have dinner under a tree and the stars.  Ben says this is the perfect day and is wondering if its too good to be true.  She starts vomiting compliments and wants to hear about him...she soo knows how to do this so well.

Ben talks about his early days and rolling in the dough and hard partying.  The Bach-ette really grounded him and opened him up.  Then he asks her about her dating history and why she's still available.  She meets a lot of people, but she's just not in to them.  She's picky.  She's dated all sorts, an actor, photographer, but all come up short.  "I have trust issues, I'm not going to lie." (This is pretty telling...ahem).  They had an "Aha" moment.  Whatever that means...she gets the rose.  Macaroni.  Ben is having forever thoughts.

Cocktail Party.  Emotions are tense.  Ben looks nice in his navy suit and skinny tie.

The girls are murmuring wondering if everyone is going to get some time with him.  Court is thinking she's going to take a backseat to let the other girls shoot themselves in the foot.

Ben takes Lindzi aside since she didn't get a date.  He says he didn't give her a date because he felt pretty solid with her.  She was worried he wouldn't remember her name.  Oh, Lindzi, of course I do, tech sales, Washington.  Then they dish about how great the farm is and how she's a tractor girl.  She asks if he drives a truck.  He says no and she seems a little disappointed.  She drives an F-350...what?!  I guess its to lug all those dang horses around.  I think she just stripped him of his man card...she says it's weird being there and wearing actual makeup since dirt is her usual makeup.  She makes some pretty weird facial expressions.  Not.attractive.

He pulls Samantha aside next since the group date didn't go so well.  If anyone might shoot themselves in the foot, it's going to be this girl.  She needs to mature about 5 years....

The girl in purple, no clue what her name is, decides it's a good idea to stir up the pot again about the group date and how Blakely felt getting the rose over everyone else.  What?  Just cause you didn't get a date doesn't mean you need to start drama.

And of course Samantha is word vomiting about how she hates drama, she's a guy's girl, blah blah blah.  Just what every guy wants to hear, right?  No.  Blakely barges in and steals her one on one time.  The girls ask Samantha how it went, and she says oh you know, jugs came in.  BAH.  She lets him know she's a confident woman who goes after what she wants.

Blakely decides it's a good idea to then stake out to wait until Ben's freed up after talking to another girl to grab him again.  She picks a great spot sitting and drinking her wine on top of other people's luggage.  This chick might have just jumped to stalker status.  Honey, he's not your boyfriend.

Courtney: "It's like a war out there"...no joke.

Now Blakely is in the kitchen pouring her own wine.  I think she's pretty hammered.

Ben walks up to Jenna and she looks surprised.  Poor Jenna is.a.hot.mess.  She can't gain control of the battle in her mind when there's drama going on and she can't gain control.  Seriously, the drama really doesn't even involve her directly and she is still a crazy mess.  Yikes.  She throws a blanket on a lit candle and is completely oblivious...she is so awkward.  She can't articulate sentences.  For instance:

Jenna: If anything, I'm like really grateful you gave me another chance after the first night (nervous laugh).
Ben: yeah, me too.
Jenna: And, I mean I wanna be honest a little bit, like you know.  I feel like I'm a guy in how I act and so like being around girls all the time, this is very abnormal for me.  And what people say...
Ben: Awkward nod, okay...
Jenna: And I don't want you to think I'm not, because I might appear as if I'm not, I mean its hard like, because its only you, waiting around for you.  And I mean its totally worth it but I'm not like a girl if that makes any sense
Ben: I appreciate that.

Appreciate what exactly?  Her social awkwardness and inability to complete sentences and thoughts at the same time??  I don't know if it's the booze or what...

Jaclyn in the emerald Land of Oz dress breaks up the awkwardness and steals him.  Jenna says she put herself out there and its awkward now.  Yes, for once I understand what you're saying and agree 100%.

Jenna just goes and finds her room and lays in bed, crying.  The girls speculate what got her so upset and decide it must be Blakely.  C'mon, don't give the cocktail waitress that much credit.  Kacie says that whenever anyone's around Blakely they're crying or end up crying by the end of the night.  She's toxic.  Meanwhile, Blakely's playing bartender while the girls just start bashing her.  Saying she's only a good for a motor boat and she's not someone you'd bring home to meet your parents.

She must overhear or know they're talking bad about her because she stumbles off to go cry behind some luggage in a room.  This is one big hot mess.

Ben picks up on the mood shift.  L&D nurse (Jamie) says I dunno a whole bunch and talks about how this is awkward for her because she's not willing to play dirty and steal him away.  Ben wants to get to the bottom of it with Brittney.  He understands why Blakely's been targeted and not a fan favorite.  Ben: "she probably just has a hard time communicating with the other girls."  Yeah, I'm sure that's it...no mind that they think she's a high class hooker.

Ben finds her crouched awkwardly behind the suitcases and is like what the heck are you doing?  Sorry, I'm just drunk and having an emo moment...he says he'll give her a moment to collect herself.  Then he finds Jenna tucked in to bed crying.  POOR BEN, you have entered the looney bin.  Where's the on-duty therapist??

FINALLY, Harrison comes in to clink the champagne glass.  Thank God.  Let's get this rose ceremony on the road.  The ladies clearly cannot hold their liquor.

Roses:
Jennifer
Emily
Elyse- she looks like she should be on the show Jerseylicious...
Jaclyn- the emerald disco ball
Erika-the chick in purple whose name I couldn't remember
Rachel
Lyndzi
Nicki
Casey S.-how do we know her?  Oh you know, she's the Taylor Swift/Paris Hilton hybrid who was always talking to Blakely
Samantha-the guy's girl, really?
Monica-the she-man, really?
Jamie
Brittney

Poor Jenna.  Pretty sure you should have used your time more wisely instead of hiding under the covers.  And bye Shawn, two-tone hair is out.

Jenna: "I'm in shock" Really?  When you watch this again, I don't think you will be...

Gah, it's only week 2.  How am I going to survive??  Surprise, we're heading to San Fran next week...

It's Going to Be a Long 10 Months...

Around this time every 4 years, I'd like to take a year's long break from Facebook.  Why?  Because honestly, I would rather hear about what you ate for breakfast, how bored you are at work, or even see that you traded a goat for some building supplies on Farmville than hear about your conspiracy theories or polarizing views on politics.

I know I may be in the minority, and forgive me if this offends you, but honestly, it's supremely annoying seeing people debate or post ridiculous articles on Facebook regarding politics.  I think having an opinion and a voice is great.  But to the extent that you bully people and degrade their beliefs in a public way is in no way constructive.  It's interesting to me that so many people stand up for certain ideas, whether it be gay marriage or any other hot button topic out there, and feel that certain group of society is being subjected to hate.  Yet in the same token, they spread hate towards those who oppose their viewpoints.

I'm expecting a, "why are you on Facebook then if it annoys you so much?"  Because I believe in the good aspects of it.  Keeping in touch with people you don't see often.  Seeing pictures of nieces/nephews who I only get to once a month at best...I could go on.

I'm not saying that people should keep silent about their feelings or politics in general.  But for once, I would really like to see people be constructive instead of destructive.  For all of my Christian readers, consider Romans Chapter 13 when tempted to complain or criticize the current administration.  Our "debt" to society is to love our neighbors and to pray for those in power.  Consider this constructive idea as opposed to spreading dissension.

I just felt I needed to get this off my chest.  Don't worry, I'll be back to my light-hearted banter next week! :)

Bachelor Recap, Episode 1

Our first moments of the Bachelor are spent reliving the terrible rejected proposal from Ashley.
Ashley: "You are interesting, smart, funny..."
Ben: "Please don't sugar coat it. Good things don't end, unless they end badly."  Zing!  If only we knew how many times these lines were going to be used, abused and misquoted all night...

Despite his tragic outcome last season, he doesn't have any regrets because he followed through.

He said he started to feel like himself again and started to heal when he got back to Cali.
We see him do normal things: bonfires with friends, hauling wine barrels, wearing an orange tank top while on a sailboat with his equally orange spray tan...you know, stuff real folks do.

He also drives the tractor around and sifts the soil with his hands...he's so pensive.  We also see that Gap's Favorite Tee is the official sponsor of this Bachelor's wardrobe.  In this 10 minute montage I think every summer and fall shade has appeared with an intermittent plaid pearl snap thrown in.

Oh and he plays David Gray on the piano...

Side note, this intro for our Bachelor was no where near as interesting as Bach Brad last season...couldn't Ben have joined Crossfit or something in his time off?  Also, I'm going to need a pronunciation guide for his last name. 

Showcased girls:
Lindzi: pretty, but Matt thinks she has an "old face".  She likes to ride horses, which was pretty much the sole focus of her camera time.  She's all about getting back up in the saddle with whatever life throws her.

Amber: Gun slinger and animal killer.  Could barely see her with the camou and blending in going on.  Did she just say beef balls?  Yep, I heard correct.  Apparently she likes to eat balls and it's not even fear factor.

Kacie: Token hick.  She creepily watches his season on the show...she's glad he got dumped because she wants to date him.  She wants a love like her granny and grampy.  How sweet.

Courtney:  She's a model.  I think it's every other word out of her mouth.  She's a cheap Michelle Money wannabe.  Other girls watch out, she doesn't give a rip about you.  She thinks diamonds look good on her...where do they find these people?

Jamie: Token sob story.  Dad died and mom was vacant, so she ended up having to mother her younger siblings.  She's also a labor and delivery nurse and loves people and babies. 

Lyndsie: Lyndsie, Lyndsie, Lyndsie.  Home girl is one crazy Brit.  Apparently she's traveled the world with her family that can 'click, click' like the Swazis and dress like a geisha.  She reminds me of Jane in the cartoon version of Tarzan.

Jenna:  Carrie Bradshaw wannabe...blogger, NYC.  She is like a bronze statue with head issues.

Shawn: the financier from Arizona.  With a son, number one man in her life.

Nicki: Resident Texan.  Young married-divorced.  Tenley 2.0 with a tube bra and see thru dress

Now the girls are en route: Wines a-flowin...this should be good.

But first, we must have an aside with our favorite host CH: His tailored suit is nice and his hair is perfectly coiffed.  They rehash his season with Ashley.  He was humiliated.  He watched it on tv. Difficult.  He was stuck emotionally till what he went thru with the Bachelorette.  Now he's ready to jump back in.  Harrison asks if he thinks his father will be with him while he's going through this.  But of course papa is in the hummingbirds...he saw one on the way to the house.  Good omen.

Now for the intros:
Rachel: bangs, red dress.  Her middle name is Rose FYI, and she has crooked teeth

Erika: lost some panels on her dress.  Omg she just said he was guilty of being sexy

Amber: big nose,  baconator-ew Canadian bacon...ugly dress

Elyse: trainer with huge boobs and Chicago accent

Jenna/Carrie: white dress and extremely awkward conversation opener-screwed up his own quote.  He looked kinda pissed.  Then she freaks out on bangs because she said it was 'cute'

Courtney-cheesy pick up line, and chock full of compliments trying to win him over.  How many times are you going to say he has nice hair??  We're on to you...

Emily-she's the disease studier...Ben: "please don't give me a disease."  After grasping the Binaca she carefully was packing in her boobs and spraying each of them down, she gives him his first kiss of the season.

Samantha: showed up in her pageant sash...help us.  She's more than just a pageant girl, high five

Casey: where's the rest of your dress liner?  And your personality?

Amber: ugly dress choice.  She just walked by twice in case he didn't believe in love at first sight.

Holly: hat and boobs.  She is obnoxious and looks old and orange.  I hope you're not the evidence that KY is known for 'pretty girls'.  Maybe after quite a few bourbons that you're actually known for.

Jamie: cleavage.  that's all I got.
(Ben says he's loving the brunettes after she goes in)

Shira:  needs to eat a sandwich.  Or 4.  She claims to know everything about wine and then can't answer a simple question about her favorite 'summer varietal'

Blakely: pretty name, ugly dress pink and cream

Sheryl: Crippled grandma.  She hobbles her way up to him to say she fell in love with him watching the show...Ben notices she's wearing a wedding ring and then she spills it.  She's actually there to introduce him to her granddaughter.  Ben's endeared.

Brittney: related to grandma.  Trying to relate to the familial side of him. She's cute, and like a foot taller than grandma

All the girls find out Britt brought her grandma and are chattering about it, especially Canadian bacon Amber.  She's already real annoying.

Nicki: pushup dress success, not sure about the dress, but at least it's not see-thru.  She calls him precious

Dianna: totally ugly white dress, terrible laugh when she got stage fright

Jennifer: fake ginger hair.  She's an accountant and starts spouting off numbers about her travels and lack of arrests...I got bored

Lyndsie-she talks way too fast, but I'm glad because her poem was atrocious.  She should have stuck to Japanese or Swahili

Anna-what is this sex face she's giving him??  She totally blows him off and goes inside?  Bold and weird.

Monica:  he's a little strange, all I can recall is saying she misses her dog

Jaclyn: mirror ball dress.  that's all I got.

Shawn: wearing a Kermit colored dress and her boobs are falling out and she slugs his arm?  Not hot.

Casey: super animated.  They agree not to sugar coat anything

Lindzi-shows up on her horse.  She's pretty.  Ben asks her horse's name, to which she replies "first impression rose."  Nice.  He offers to help her down, but then admits he's never actually helped anyone "dismount" before.  They seemed to have good chemistry early on.  I have a feeling she'll go far.  Unless it's the First Impression kiss of death...

Everyone's jealous of horse entrance.  They're all bashing her and the grandma, because they didn't put as much effort in to their intros.  Yeah, I'm looking at you Baconator...

He walks in, lots of girly screams.  He gives the usual 'I've been in your shoes' speech blah, blah, blah.

Nicki is smitten and talks about how beautiful he is...not seeing it. 

Bangs (Rachel) is hoping he'll feel about her like he did for Ashley.  She quit her job for this...yikes

Nicki is obsessed.  She's "nicely bubbly" according to Ben.  She says everything happens for a reason.  She says reason a lot, I think it's the wine.

Lyndzi the horse whisperer looks like she's wearing a bridesmaid dress.  She regales Ben with some cute story about how she tried to make wine with store bought grapes...she seems pretty down to earth and normal.  But it's still early.

Grandma and Brittney are strategizing over who's the competition.  When Ben comes over he seems to be connecting with grandma instead of the granddaughter...Ben eventually walks her to her car and she says she hopes to see him at Brittney's wedding.

Harrison pops in to drop off the FIR.  Some random girl steals the rose.  The Peanut Gallery tells her to put it back...

Kermit wants to one up holly hat, so she whips out the soccer ball to play with Ben.  I'm not sure that was her best move.

Blakely's got a forearm tatt saying love is patient love is kind. The tatt is a locked heart something or other.  I'm thinking Kasey's heart is bursting somewhere out there for a chance to guard and protect her locked heart.  But he's going to have to get through Monica first--more on that later.

Elyse the personal trainer makes him do push ups...how romantic

There's a dance party going on and Ben jumps in.

Some chick in the ugly white dress blindfolds him to feed him candy out of a lunchsack...

Drunk Chick: "It's hard to find time to talk to him when he's being blindfolded and fed candy from a garbage sack"-To be fair, I don't think there was ever any garbage in that sack, but still, pretty funny.

Emily the epidemiologist aka disease girl raps about spreading disease and love...It was terrible

The model keeps playing with her hair and saying she's here for him.  And telling him he has great hair.  She is not as hot as she thinks she is

Jenna is freaking out- "you feel nothing for him?" Monica is cackling about it and pushing her buttons

Monica and Blakely are drunk and having a love connection outside.  It might be the most uncomfortable thing I have ever witnessed.
Monica: "You are my experience right now.  You are my life, you're going to be in my life forever, I just know it.  I need your number." 

Jenna is having a panic attack for no reason...

Those girls need to lay off the booze.  Especially Jenna.  Jenna about Monica: "She's brilliant.  Brilliant at putting people down"  Finally Bangs (Rachel) pulls Monica aside to clear the air with Jenna because she's sick of the drama already.  I mean, it's hour one people...

Jenna: You don't like me.
Monica: I don't know you.
Jenna: Then don't make fun of me.
Monica: I'm not.
Monica: Are you hurt, offended, sad?
Jenna: Nope.
Monica: (cackles)
Jenna: What are you laughing at?
Monica: I think you're making a big deal about nothing.  We're girls, we're on the same page...
Jenna: Yeah sure maybe we can share a tampon sometime.

Hold up, hold up, hold up...What??  That might be the most disgusting thing I've ever heard.

Monica walks off like 'ew' and says she thinks anyone who talks about feminine products or douches is not classy.  I'm going to agree with her on this one...

Jenna is just stumbling around and crying.  Monica is rallying the other girls saying Jenna looked like she wanted to punch her.  Then it was hard to decipher because of the bleeping and fuzzy boxes, but basically she's saying how she wants to cut a b$tch.  Now Monica, is that classy??

Jenna turns the frown upside down when Ben comes out and catches her crying.  She mumbles something about being comfortable and then shoots herself in the foot by being wasted and insulting him...where's the ABC psychotherapist??  She sulks off to the bathroom where she's basically in shambls.

Lyndzi gets the first impression rose.  Duh.

Everyone gets in position for the rose ceremony except we're missing one...Yep, jenna's still in the bathroom.  Someone get her some coffee, a sandwich and a toothbrush/toothpaste STAT.

Rose Ceremony: Love.is.possible
Jamie
Rachel
Blakely-earrings to your boobs
Emily-the rapper
Casey B
Casey S-who was she
Brittney-grandma's girl
Erika
Shawn
Nicki-good hugger?  Get used to it buddy
Jennifer
Elise-miss push ups
Samantha the pageant sash
Courtney-model
Jaclyn
Monica-of course.  Gotta keep the drama pot stirring
Jenna-obviously.  We need a continuation of the Monica/Jenna showdown

The chick that blew him off gets ex-ed, obviously

Amber why the long face?  She's going to find a guy that doesn't like the needy whiny type.  Touche.

The Brit feels like a failure going back to AZ empty handed

Amber T. Is embarrassed and crying

As much as I would like to say this season is full and shock and awe...I really felt like it was a repetition of old characters.  Jenna=Crazy Michelle, Courtney=hired actress, aka Michelle Money...etc.  Also, I think I have now seen every possible to spell Lindsay, Lindsey, Lindzie, Lyndsie...I mean for real.