I would love them too much...

Fourteen months and two foster placements later, we have pretty much heard every kind, thoughtful, awkward, and offensive comment you could imagine in our foster care adventure. Although pure motives are typically driving these inquiries, it has caused me to think a bit more before I speak.  From someone who does not typically shy away from an awkward situation (a strength in foster care) I often enjoy these uncomfortable situations, since it is typically not at my expense.

The most common comment I have received about foster care is the following:

"I would love the child too much to give them back."

At surface level this is a fair and benign thought, but in reflection, what is the true meaning or inspiration? Are they saying that they would love the child more than I? Are they saying it would be easier to say goodbye if I cared for the child less? Are they saying that I have superhero emotional strength or a numb heart? Or are they just saying that if they did foster care, which they probably won't (which is fine by the way), they would only do it if they could keep the child? Notwithstanding, I believe people who make statement about "loving the child too much" are often naive to the real purpose of foster care. It isn't so that a void is filled in our hearts or homes. Foster care exists to provide a safe, secure, loving, and many times temporary placement for children who were not living in an appropriate home or shelter before.

These potential underlying messages might be stemmed from my own insecurities, but they have really made me think about my motivations behind foster care, which in turn has made it slightly easier to say goodbye. Children in the system need security, felt safety, and our unconditional love more than anything. To refrain from providing any of these things might be easier to do, but would be a disservice to them. I primarily got on board with foster care from a logistical standpoint because I learned about a problem in our community that we could help remedy. Sure we wanted to become parents and have children to call "ours" but most of all, we wanted to be able to care for children that needed a home, and to meet the child's aforementioned needs as best as we could, without expecting anything in return.

Although saying goodbye was not an original concern I had when preparing for foster care, as most of  my concerns were logistical, it was one of the hardest things I had to do with our first foster child. Not only was she our first child ever (which brought its own challenges), she was the first person to call me "daddy." We are not superheroes, super Christians, or anything else out of the ordinary. We are just doing our best to be faithful to what God has called us to do, and to attempt modeling the unconditional and sacrificial love that our heavenly Father has given to us. Unfortunately, we often fail at those things, but recognizing this is the first step in moving in the right direction.


For more about our motivations behind foster care, see my wife's earlier post here.

Busy, Busy, Busy

These days I feel as though we're never at a loss of things to do in the fostering and international adoption processes.  Between the mandatory book readings, physical exams, documentation out my ears, and Hague training, I feel like my head's been swimming these last couple of months.

While I'm tempted to complain, I know all of this is necessary to bring our child(ren) home.  Throughout this process, we've had our eyes opened to the adoption world, especially trans-racial adoption.  Both our foster baby and future adoptive baby will be a trans-racially adopted.  I'd like to think we live in a world that is universally accepting of different cultures and races, but the truth is we just don't.  Our unique family will face some unique challenges that requires our education, attention, and focus.

One wish I have is that we could just move to Ethiopia and raise our son or daughter within their culture.  It hurts to know they will never fully know and appreciate their culture and heritage in the same way they would if they were raised there.  Since that's not really an option for us right now, we're thinking through ways we can bring pieces of their culture home with us and incorporate it in to their lives.  Simple but significant things we are considering are the neighborhood we live, the friends we have, the church we call home, and the events we take part in.  We can't pretend their color of skin isn't an issue, but there has to be a balance in not over emphasizing their differences and not underplaying them either.  It will be fairly obvious to onlookers that our children are not biologically ours, therefore we're practically a walking poster for adoption and subjected to more looks, questions, and intrigue.  

A book I've been reading, In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories, a theme throughout seems to be that black/bi-racial children raised by white parents seem to do best in situations where their parents made efforts to discuss adoption and racial issues openly.  Other books we have had to read which discuss these issues are Inside Transracial Adoption and The Whole Life Adoption Book (a great comprehensive adoption book).

We're fortunate to live in a city and go to a church that cultivates this understanding and seeks to bridge the gap.  We have had some bumps along the way, but we understand that our choice in how we have decided to grow our family puts us in a place where we have to do some educating every now and then.  I also want to put this out there, if you're white and curious when you see transracial families, I encourage you to be respectful to families you encounter.  I know you don't mean any harm, but think before you speak.  I've put some questions below for you to think through when you may encounter one of us in the mall, Target, Chick-Fil-A...

-Would I be offended if someone said this to my child?
-If this child were with an all black family (or fill in any race there) would I approach them with the same thoughts, actions, feelings?
-Remember that children at any age desperately want to fit in and be accepted.  Be overly cautious with their feelings and don't overtly point out differences that separate them from their family.

When You Hope For Too Much (maybe)

I'm writing with a heavy heart today.  I feel my future family being threatened and there's nothing I can do about it.  I want to fight, but my fight doesn't matter.  I want to scream, but my screams won't be heard.  I want to cry, but I have to keep it together.  

Foster care. 

You've gotten the best of me today.  When you find yourself hoping for too much, dreaming too much, counting on too much, you have a long way to fall.  Any setback, or perceived setback can throw you for a huge loop.

And it's hard.  I find myself wishing/hoping/praying/fighting against people and I shouldn't.  I hope for their failure and I shouldn't.  When you crave adoption so badly that you hope for someone else's failure, it's not pretty.  I have to admit that's where I am today.  I don't want to be there, but I am.

Control.  

I wish I had it but I don't.  But He does.  And He asks that I give this to Him.  That He will carry this burden that I can't.  That He will give me the strength that I don't have.  That He will protect us today and always.

Please God, take this cup from me today. 

Why Foster Care?

We are often asked why we wanted to become foster parents.  Most assume that we're doing it for infertility reasons, so they're even more baffled when they learn that we haven't even explored that avenue yet.  I must say, it's a bit odd to be taking birth preventive methods so that we can pursue fostering/adopting.  Whenever we give a brief summary of why we're fostering, many people often find it's their time to insert themselves in to it by saying, "I could never do that."  Or, "I couldn't do it because I couldn't give them back."

I'm usually pretty diplomatic about it and suppress the urge to get nasty and say, "well who really wants to give them back?  And if every one had the same way of thinking, we'd have a grave problem on our hands."  I know that's not a kind reply and people are just saying what they feel.  I know that not every one thinks and feels like I do and I have to be empathetic. 

There are many motivations at work for the why part of foster care.  For starters, we have a bit of an orphan crisis in our city.  Now, crisis can be defined differently depending on who you ask, but when there are 200 children that need homes and 3x that many churches in our city, to me that's a crisis.  A crisis of heart and obedience.  There are also hundreds of children in foster care currently (Travis Co. numbers).  Families are failing and the kids need a temporary or permanent place to stay while CPS gets them resources and training on how to get back on track.  Often times, when you give a child back you're a part of the redemptive work of that family and it's something to be praised.  I say give loosely because you don't have any legal rights to the child in the foster system and they're not yours unless you have the chance to adopt them.  But as a wise pastor once pointed out to me, no child is ever really yours.  They are all God's children and can be given and taken away.

God put foster care on our hearts.  When it first happened, Matt and I weren't on the same page and we decided to table it.  A year later, I was reading the book Kisses From Katie, and my heart and mind were opened again to fostering.  If you've never heard of this book, it's a biography of a young girl who grew up in affluent family/neighborhood of Tennessee and had everything ahead of her in life.  There was just one small problem, she'd journeyed to Uganda on a mission trip and was wrecked.  When she returned, the pursuits of college and the American Dream no longer had any appeal.  She convinced her parents to let her go to Uganda for a year and then she would return and go to college.  One year turned in to two, and so on until it became evident she couldn't come back.  Her life was there with and with the 13 girls she had taken in/adopted.  In my opinion, she is one of the most amazing examples of what faith, obedience and suffering look like in the most real and New Testament sense.

After reading her book, my heart was broken over my own comfortable, minimal risk life.  I have never experienced true suffering other than the discipline and consequences of my own choices.  I've never been really sick, had anyone especially close to me die, or wanted for much in my life.  I've been immeasurably blessed.  I realized that my choices and motivations in life generally centered around the pursuit of comfort and my own desires.  I like the KJV of James 1:27 "Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world."  There's an understanding in this verse that you might miss.  The verb 'visit' literally means to enter in to their suffering and affliction.  It means getting your hands dirty.  Foster care, to me, meant to live out this verse.  We had jobs, we had an extra room, extra time, why couldn't we be parents to children who so desperately needed a safe home and love?  I have decided that I want my life to be more than worldly pursuits and selfish ambition.  My life is a living sacrifice that I choose to give up to the orphan and in turn to The Father.