Bachelorette Recap and a PSA on the Debt Crisis...

Fiji-South Pacific

Ash: "Fiji's the ultimate place to fall in love, get engaged, and find my true love", I thought she said identical things about Thailand, and every other place visited?

Ash lets us know she is stronger now, and has a good handle on what she wants in a guy.  Which is why she has two paper copies of the same person...

We're back to the stripper wedges, skimpy see thru tank, and mini ruffled skirt...her favs when it comes to beaches.

We're now treated to a trip down memory lane, which is basically verbatim to last week's trip...

Sparks flew at the orphanage with Ben and his kiddy art.  Never a dull moment with him.  He's goofy silly, but also sincere and honest.

Consty- had her eye on him from the get-go.  Super physically attractive. Smart, thoughtful and attractive.  Slow but meaningful, lots of depth.  She loves his fam.  She talked about his looks once a sentence...I think she likes him for the right reasons...

JP-thinks he's gorgeous, a model.  Loves his smile.  Sincere, grown man.  After the first date, she knew it was going to get pretty serious.  They have this  super emotional connection.  Basically they need to get a room already.

This week is so impor-ant because she gets to slumber party with the guys.

She's writing in her green leaf diary...at least it wasn't Hello Kitty or something.

One last hair fluff before she's about to go meet Ben. Pause. Knocking at the door...is it Ben?

Commercial Break.  This is a nail biter.

Eery music.  Rain. Awkward duck feet walking in flip flops.  Finally the camera pans up and it's none other than Ryan the creeper.  He's backkkk.  Ahhh.  He's such a stalker.  Just when you think someone's gone for good.  Not on this show.  If only we could cue some "100 Ways to Leave a Game Show" and see him catapulted out of Fiji.  No such luck.

He's hoping for a magical moment.  That maybe she made a mistake?  He has to see her one more time, to see if she feels the same way.  What messed up fairytale does this guy live in?  Seriously?

Ryan: "We were doing tai chi, it was so spiritual, but then it was not romantic and not conducive to romance.  I didn't feel like we got to see things through."  I'm sorry, what?  This guy lives in a fantasy world. 

He's staying around, gave her his room number.  No need to respond, but I'll be around if you want to come see me.  This is so prideless.

Ben's date

White long skirt and bikini top?  Totally appropriate and normal.

She's looking forward to his good, positive energy.  What's with all this energy talk??

Ben: "The embrace of seeing her was awesome."  Really?

What's with the 2-button orange tee and plaid shorts.  Navy boat shoes??  Who dresses these people?

Ash: "I love boats and being on the water.  I want to go see upstairs"
Ben: "And I want to go see upstairs."
Ash: "Perfact, match made in heaven."

Ash has got her arm whipping around talking about being nervous talking to his mom.  Seriously, she was just a couple light sabers/orange vest short from landing a 747 with these arm motions.

Ben: "She did like you." 
Ash: "Really?  Are you sure?"  You'd think his mom was Helena Cassadine from the way they talk about her.  Shout out to GH!
Ben: "Yes, my mom was really open to things and embracing it." 

Ben talks about finding himself.  And a girl.

Terrible swimsuit.  It's so LA...I really cannot figure out his fashion sense whatsoever.  Sometimes he dresses like he's from the 1400s and others he's like totally hipster...

I feel like I'm watching porn with the sunscreen application.  It's like we're on a honeymoon and we repeat everything the other says.  Thanks for all your hard work, no thank you for all your hard work...They are seriously the most obnoxious two people in a relationship.

According to Ben, they're snorkeling all the world has to offer.  I'm not too sure about that.  What about the GBR Ben??

On to dinner.Wtf is his outfit.  It not only doesn't match, its totally weird.  From the tapered snug khakis, deep V long-sleeve see thru rolled up shirt.  Tucked in?  It's not only painful to look at, it required about 10 adjectives to describe...

He's beaming.  On cloud nine.  His haircut is awful.  I'm sorry, I'm having trouble distinguishing how excited you are, because you pretty much have the same even keel temperament and facial expressions 24-7.

She looks washed up. Was the makeup optional tonight? Her dress is interesting.  Looks like a swimsuit coverup...I'm guessing they got tanked on their boat ride and she woke up late...

Ash: "I don't understand what else has to happen?  Do we just continue?"  Umm, what??
Ben: "Someone has to commit and say I want to spend the rest of my life with you."  "I'm committed.  I feel like I'm on my way to the 'I love you' thing."  Why can't he just man-up and say it for crying out loud??

Ash: "Im hoping tonight Ben will show me how he feels."  Oh geez, the innuendo begins.  They barely get the fantasy suite card read thru before they high-tail it out of there.

Ben says he's not going to tell her he loves her tonight.  She just knows by looking in my eyes.  False.  We always need the words Ben...

They straddle each other in the pool.  Stirring macaroni.  Finally, he's carrying her out of the pool in his arms, serious music. Off to the bedroom.

Constantine's Date
Ash is wearing a drawstring belly shirt.  Of course see thru.  And nonexistent shorts.

Hiii Constantine, in the most annoying 6 year old voice ever.

Constantine: "I have a euro mullet, I want to get it cut so bad"  you said it, not me.

She has a surprise, it's a helicopter.  He is so excited.  Has he not seen this show?  He's never been in one before.  She's surprised.  Why??  I'm just wondering why it's the first one we've seen...

His navy shorts didn't math his navy keds.  Shame

Ashley: "I have a Greek god to my left and crystal blue waters below me"  Really?

He is laughing hysterically at how cool it all is.  Seriously, I think his maturity level is at about 18 or 19.

Ryan is bursting inside.  He's just been waiting around kicking rocks for 3 days.  He's probably read 8 books on solar energy.  He's hanging out on a beach and in caves by himself, just waiting.  This is so weird..

Back to Consty and Ash.  They're jumping off the water falls yada yada leap of faith and parallel to their relationship.  He's like a 12 year old with how excited he gets about this stuff.  I think he lives for the adventure and that's about it.

Did they fast forward or do they just swim that fast and intensely...

He's the most guarded.  She's hoping he opens up, lip chewing.  They're sitting on a picnic blanket and the bubble of fun is about to get burst for good ole Consty.

She wants to know something that has directly to do with their relationship.  She asks how many houses he looked at before he bought one.  He replies 108!!!  He apparently wanted a lot in a house, it's a big investment, he wanted a man cave...

Let me just interject here...did he ask you to move in?  Then how in the world does that question have "directly to do with your relationship" which is practically nonexistent??

Constantine: "Houses and women are not the same."  For real?  They're not?

Ashley: "You take time and put forth a lot of effort.  We don't have that here."  I'm sorry, in what universe are these bad qualities??

She's giving him chances.  I think he's all about the fun factor, not the love factor.  Papa Dimitri prepped him well for this in telling him to take his time and no need to rush.  He's going to be a boy forever.

On to dinner.  Skin tight mini dress with scoop neck? Check

I feel like we're not progressing at the rate that we should be.  Cheers to more time.  This is making little to no sense to me already.  Somehow Ben gets brought up with their wine tasting...

Ash:"Is it weird that you and your friend are dating the same girl?" 
Hayley: "Is it WEIRD that you're dating two twins??"
Consty: "Nah not really.  I mean if you two loved each other I wouldn't keep you a part."  Not the right thing to say to a girl you're dating and should be 'fighting for'

Ash: "I feel like you don't want to hold my hand."  That's not needy at all.
Consty: "I do things like kissing and holding hands instinctively, but I haven't been able to with you."  Ouch.

Ash: "Is it because it's me or the process?"  Probably you but like he's going to admit it...

Consty: "I know that I would want to have that conversation with your dad asking for your hand in marriage.  I have too much respect for my family and your family not too.  But, Im not there yet.  I know what the fantasy suite means and what it implies.  I knew if I got to this point and wasn't in love with you I wouldn't accept the date card.  I respect you too much as a person to make this any harder than it has to be."  Ouch.  Home girl just got served.

We interrupt this Bachelorette episode for this important announcement: Our country is going down the crapper...

Obama lets us know the Repubs are trying to take the country to the poor house, while he's got the best, bi-partisan approach for all Americans. 

John Boehner ladies and gentleman.  Speaker of the whole house.  Boehner talks about how the President's seemingly good ideas are basically better served as late night comedy relief on Jay Leno.  I know this is serious, but I could not stop laughing.  PS chris Harrison needs to take wardrobe notes from the speaker of the whole house.

Obama apparently wants a blank check and the Republicans lost their pens to write one?

It's really sad that it has come to this...but for real, can we get back to the show?

Speaking of the crapper, back to a date going down the crapper...

Constantine: "If we're honest, this is the end of the road for me."  Shazam.  Walks off to pack his bags.

Ash goes ahead and opens the card.  Is she going to go hit up Ryan now?  Nope, she's just going to sulk off to her room and wallow in self-pity.

Ash: "This is a two way street.  Someone could be not feeling it and leave.  What if I don't find anybody?"

The next morning, now that Consty's gone, she knows what she has to do.  Face Ryan.

Ash: "Ryan's been patiently waiting.  So many things I love about him, he's attractive, successful, positive energy..."

Ryan's heart is going out of his chest.  Surprise.  He is such a cheeseball.  Drives me bananas.  Nails on a chalk board.

Ash starts in on all the things she "loves" about him.  He's soaring with all the positive affirmation...then the BUT comes and his face literally frumps and frowns.  The bitter, crazy person on the edge starts to come out again. 

Ryan: "It's like geez you know?  Am I ever going to find it?"  I really cannot handle it if they're setting him up to be the Bachelor next season.  I will die.  Alas, Ryan gets kicked off the island for a second time.  Hope ABC forked over the money for him to get Fiji, otherwise that's a double whammy.

JP date

Yet another half top with a bikini top underneath and booty shorts.

They're taking a hover craft to a private island.  This is reminiscent of Brad and Emily...

Ash: "We're just sailing through the air.  It's perfact."

We have our own island...she's jumping around like a school girl.  Then she frames his face with her hands and says this is a post card. 

Ash: "It's like the world has ended, and we're just here together."  Seriously, this is so painful.

JP "My dad said you'd be a welcome addition."  Really?  I thought he was a mute...

JP: "I want it to be over, I want it to be me."

Ash: "We have this passion.  I feel like it's really special and could last a lifetime."  She can't pry herself off of him for more than 2 seconds.  They wade out in to the water and straddle each other and make out for approximately 2 hours while the poor plane operator just has to sit there and watch...

On to dinner: She can't even sit her "dress" is so short.  Is it a dress or a black nighty??

She starts talking about how Consty left and it was "mutual" and then Ryan came back for a second chance...yada yada.  I couldn't stop staring at the leaf he has on his head.

Ash: "I dont want you to be so hung up on my other relationship that it ruins things between us."  That's like asking JP to stop breathing.

JP: "I'm not worried about that.  But I don't want to say things until the moment is right since there is another guy here."  Yeah, I'm sure you're not worried.

Ash: "I get that, but you're not going to get where you need to be by holding back." 
JP "I want to be the last guy standing, not to win, but because I want you."  Hopefully that will fill her insecurity cup enough for another week...

Ash pulls out the date card.  He has a smug little face. 
JP: "Yeah I'm in to that"
Ash: "Let's get out of here." 

Ash: "It's like our home..."  Actually, this is nothing like a home at all....it's a tree house!!!

She decides to go "change clothes" and she changes out of a negligee in to a see thru business shirt and black panties.  I'm pretty sure clothes is a loose term for her, as in she doesn't like to wear any...

They don't even go swimming, it's straight to business and the camera guy took a little too long to back his way out of the room in my opinion...

Chat with Harrison
Ben is perfect for her on paper.  Her and JP have this thing with beaches.  Their relationship progresses...whatever that means.

CH: "Was it harder to say bye to Constantine or Ryan?"
Ash: "Ryan"  Well yeah, because Constantine basically said bye to you, and Ryan just can't take a hint to save his life.

CH: "We're having a rose ceremony.  Why?"  Thank you!!  Totally unnecessary.
Ash: "Because I want them to choose me too."  Oh Lord, the insecurity cup has sprung a leak and needs refilling.

She walks over to the golden frames looking like a disco ball.  Consty's portrait goes face down...

Ash: "I'm ready to be engaged, but are they?"

Nice bright pink shirt Harr.  That's like, I'm expecting a girl pink...or Pepto pink...

JPs sandals are terrible.  And so are Ben's khaki colored sneakers. Were they not expecting full camera shots?

Her ring is huge.

Ash: "As soon as they both accepted, hope came over me."

Cue not shown footage of her and Ben totally wasted on the boat...No wonder she didn't wear make up to dinner.  And I'm sorry, but what is so funny about toes??

Once again, I can't wait for sister showdown next week with Kat Von D and Ashley.  Until then, peace and positive energy.

Bachelorette Recap: Hometown Dates

Thanks for your patience :)

We start this episode with a nice 10 minute rehash of what happened last week, and we begin this week with Ashley in her "hometown" of Pennsylvania doing normal things like drinking coffee and getting the mail in her spandex. Which was surprisingly light given her months long tour of Asia...

And now Ash treats us to a trip down memory lane with all the dudes...

Her and Ben have a very real connection-As opposed to a fake one.  There's a real difference there people.

Consty is one of her faves.  He has a sweet side.

Ames is Mr. Unique.  He's so humble and wears neon colored watches.

JP is JP

She leaves the yappy dog who I'm surprised is still alive given her absence, and hops in a cab to make her way to the dirty South.

Consty in Cummings, GA

Cutest part about this whole thing was the mama duck and babies, amiright?

Consty is more excited than he's ever been...that's not really saying much.

What is she wearing?  She looks like Stevie nicks.  The blazer? Leggings? All the black? I mean for real?!

He talks like an 18 year old and dresses like one too.  Nice hooded sweatshirt.  Are you going to show her how to do an ollie on a skateboard later?

At least he's actually talking now.  He lets us know he's totally open and the walls are down, which equals word vomit.

Constantine (a restauranteur):  Can you cook?
Ashley: I can make a mean PB&J...she's dumb

They go to the family restaurant to make some pizza and a salad.  Apparently he looks "really sexy here."  This might be the cheesiest thing I've ever seen.  And he just grabbed a handful cheese.  Barf

Consty lets us  know that things are clicking for him.  What does that mean?  Well, things are just clicking, things are happening, we're on the same page.  So many cliches used, so little time.

They leave the restaurant and head to meet his family.  He has his own sign on the house...and balloons.  Wow.  Welcome.Home.

He gets the brows from dad or grandpa whoever he is.  Oh, it's Dad, thanks for clearing that up ABC.

Dimitri says his son looks happy.  He's an expert at reading emotions.

They sit down for dinner and there's like 3 full hens on the table?  Are they expecting 10 more people?!  I have never seen so much food.

Papa D made out well in the hot younger wife department.  Sister Maria is real pretty too.

Mama G thinks they need more time. Ash gets grilled about relocating.  Mom wants to know how she's going to enhance her son's life.  Weird Question.

Papa D talks like he's fresh off the boat, Consty is straight southern, this is interesting.  I was hoping he would pull out some Windex or give us a Greek translation of any American word, but I was disappointed.

Papa D is concerned about rushing and says it takes time for things to develop, like with him and Mama G.

Hold the phone: the family dog is wearing a dress with bows...

Ash says she is moving in.  Bold.

And here comes the extended fam...that's who the hens are for I assume?  This just turned in to my Big Fat Greek Wedding. 

Everyone's dancing for granny.  Papa D is making it rain dollar bills...I mean there's like 30 people there.

Papa D mumbles something in Greek or Italian.  Translation:wants love forever with his son and Ash.  Bold.

Ames hometown Chadd's Ford, PA

He totally runs like a queen.  And his pants are about to fall down.

Ames has the bouffant in full effect.

Huge foreheads obviously run in the family, although the tangerine skin color does not...His spray tan is 8 shades darker than the rest of the family.

"Ames looks quite taken"-mom.  She also mentions he looks "healthy" which means he dropped about 10 lbs because his clothes no longer fit...

Serena the sister needs to get to the bottom of things- "What are your feelings." 
Ash: "Our relationship is moving slowly, but I see things in him I'm really drawn too."
Serena: "He's an onion.  He has many layers." I'm sorry, the last time I heard this reference was in Shrek...

Don't feel confident on those answers at all...

Ames is a mama's boy.  He wouldn't make any life decisions without her approval.  Ames has had two dads die of cancer...that's incredibly tragic!  Why are we just now hearing about this?

Serena: "It's hard to find a flaw with Ames."  Ummm, he's human and by nature incredibly sinful...shouldn't be that hard.
Serena: "I'm not sure if she has the same spark that he has."  Me either, S, me either. 

Ames's Mom: "The worlds your oyster."  "You're two intelligent adults."  Does this spell success or something??

Side note: Is she a psychologist?  They use big words in this family...

Ash looks lost in the Ames home-town tornado.  Lip chewing, overwhelmed.

Ames has the best facial expressions when he's listening.  I mean, you'd think he's slow.  But then he starts talking and he's a philosopher from another century...

Ames has thought up a romantic surprise for her.  He's going to take her to his favorite tree...

Ames is the designated picnic guy, he always picnics.  Under the magnolia trees.

Ames starts talking about being bullied as a kid and how he wasn't that smart, then he got sent to Boarding School and it's been all ivy league from there.
Ashley's epiphany: "We have the same brain."  Shout out to my sis :)
For real nerd alert. 

Ames: "So much more magic in the ordinary"...so ridiculous.  Time is standin still under mag tree, and of course we get the cinematography.  And here comes the horse drawn carriage..."story book romance" my @$$

Ben's date in Sonoma

She's real happy to see him.  "Everything screams sexy about him."-Ash,  What am I missing?  Honestly.

Lots of wine tasting to take place. And I'm sure stirring macaroni...

According to Ben, it's a really big deal to meet his mom, and sister.

They are very boring and repetitive in their conversation.  He says 'super' a lot.

He's only brought one other girl home.  He's a serial short term dater.  But the emo Ben has come out in the ABC process of love. Super

Motto of the night: If you're not in with Bens women you're not in with him.  Off to Mom's.  Don't screw it up Ash...He looks a lot like his mom with dark features.

They ask Ashley what drew her to Ben and of course she mentions the shaggy hair.  She obviously digs it since 2 of them are practically shaggy haired twins.

His hair is "his thing"..."See mom" (she doesn't dig the hair)-Julia the sister.

It comes out that Jules signed him up for the show, but she's uber protective of Benny boy.

Julia is super ser.  All of the time.

Then Ash sits down with his mom and the kid pics come out...Mom didn't let him have long hair when she still in control.  (Her words)

Ben and Jules take this time to discuss the happenings.  He says he has no problem proposing if things keep progressing as they have.  Jules seems cautious.  I mean, you signed him up for the show you had to think this was a legitimate possibility!!

Ben sits down with his Mom.  He makes amends for being a bad son for all these years since Dad died.  He and Jules just want to have what mom and dad had.  She is stoic.  I would have cried if my son had expressed such feelings to me.  And with the Dad's birthday being tomorrow?!  Ben cries, but mom doesn't?  This is strange.

I just wanted to give him a hug while he's talking about his dad...

JP date- Roslyn, NY (long island?)

It's a really pretty park where they meet.  It was supposed to rain that day, so he planned a silly date inside.  He surprises her by taking her to the roller rink he used to frequent in 7th grade.  I mean, it looked like it was still in decent shape, but it probably still had asbestos growing all up in there...

Of course Ash can rollerblade.  And ice skate.  And dance.  Triple threat people.  Watch out.

JP says something's missing.  The ambiance.  Some greasy DJ out of camera site cues the lights and 70s power ballads start jamming.

They're back in 7th grade just macking down on the rink.

JP wipes out.  Pretty funny.

Paper cups and wine.  In a skating rink.  Keeping it classy.

JP, as we come to find out, is the most seasoned Bachelor (aka old balls), but he hasn't brought many women home. So like 4.  I mean in Bachelorette world, are you supposed to have like 10 people meet your parents for you to sound legitimate?!  I mean, c'mon...

He brings up the ex GF again.  She caused him to doubt always.
Ash: "Are you pretty certain about us?" Yes, he doesn't want to be without her. He's not going to leave with regrets if his heart gets broken. Blah, blah, blah

They arrive to the house he grew up in, a 33 year old house.  And it looks it.

Ash senses lots of positive energy.  Whatever that means.

Ash meets the fam, and then they sit down for a nice Italian dinner.
Ash: "The more carbs the better"  She makes me sick.

Brosef is worried he's going to get hurt again, he brings up the ex and how JP was totally wrecked after that relationship.

Ilene is worried, JP wears his heart on his sleeve.  Mom thinks she's terrific, but as a mother she's guarded. 
"I don't want to see you get your heart broken like it was before."  OMG, does the Ghost of Ex past live here?!

Mom asks if he's in love.  "All signs point to yes"...he's uber confident in their connection.  Ilene is worried about the proposal sitch.  "Shes bubbly, she's warm."  But she ain't Jewish...I mean I'm worried your heart will be broken...

Ilene comes in to grill Ashley.  "He looks at you with love in his eyes.  He has one person to think about, you have 3. How do you pick people?"  That's a valid question, which Ashley skirted well.

JP is super confident, can't worry about the consequences, just layin' it all in the line.

Ash in response to Ilene's question: "I use my gut to make decisions.  But I also use my head too as I've learned in these situations."  What?!

Ilene: "You're so sweet"
Ash: "No you're so sweet."  Barf.

"Today was perfact."-Ash

And just when we thought things were getting a little dull, Mom brought out the Barmitzvah poster.  It.was.awesome.  Kirk Cameron meets Dougie Houser
Ash: "That's a sweet mullet"

She's loving the flowy tops with belts and skin tight pants.  Every single outfit this episode...

Cocktail party-black mini dress with long sleeves.  Typical, and with no back besides lace and a visible black bra, keepin' it classy.

I took the liberty of FF'ing through the Harrison talk, because it was clips of everything I just watched seconds ago.  They obviously have nothing to discuss, other than the clashing striped tie and collared shirt combo.  Seriously. Where is Chris's wardrobe lady...

Bachelor pad premiere is coming up and we get to see some early scenes.  The Jake and Vienna train wreck in all it's glory.  Can't wait.  And Jake, while I agree I would love to see Vienna fall from a 100-story building, I always would like to see you fall as well. 

Rose Ceremony

Ash: "I came looking for a good man.  A family man."

Ben chopped some of the locks.  Now we can actually tell him and Constantine apart.

Ben gets rose one.

JP gets rose two.

Final rose: Constantine

Ames looks like a lost puppy.  He might need shock therapy to show some different facial expressions

The black mini could have been much more flattering, but I think she had one too many helpings of lasagna at JP's house...

Ames: "I'm composed all the time, but right now, ugh"- he says all these nice things, she doesn't even flinch.  They shake hands?  She walks him to the limo like it was no big deal.  Cold hearted woman right there.

The magic in the ordinary was not working obviously.

Ames fell in love, she did not.

Now we're left with the Bobsy twins and JP.  They're headed to Fiji.  Apparently there's going to be some JP drama, and I'm banking on Ames making the surprise return.

I really can't wait to see Ashley and her sister have it out next week.  I've been needing some excitement.

Until next time...

Bachelorette Post To Come...

Dear Readers,

I was actually very busy at work today and have not had a chance to post my thoughts on last night's episode...HOWEVER, I will try my hardest to get it up after dinner this evening or tomorrow during lunch!

If you're just itching to unleash your thoughts about last night...feel free to blast your thoughts by way of a Comment.  I love comments.  And I love you all for loyally reading each week!

Sincereley,
Hayley

Bachelorette Recap: Taipei for a Type A personality

Ashley and the remaining 6 bachelors are continuing their East Asia tour with a stop in Taiwan/Taipei. 

The first date card goes to Constantine, or as I fondly call him "Consty" but it really should be Constant-ly boring...

They're going to be taking a speed train, which is Ashley lets us know is the opposite of their relationship...

Ash isn't wearing a bra with her see thru number.

Ash asks him if he's ready to find love on the train, he seems like he's more into the scenery than her as they're sitting facing each other and he keeps making stupid comments about the scenery and how it's like they're going back in time or something.

They arrive to a marketplace where they will be decorating a lantern of love to release to the skies to make their wish come true.  Not likely.

I think Ash may have some Asian in her, she does the accent really well.  Consty is really in to the painting of the lantern of love.  Not gonna lie, the one side with the face painting creeped me out.  I don't think the love god's going to like it...

Cut back to the house.  Did Ames get a hair cut or a hair tease?  The disheveled look is working for him, although something always looks off in his facial expressions.

Ben gets the next date.  Ryan swallowed a bitter pill.  He's looking a little crazy...

Back to Constant-ly bored, Ashley's asking him about his family.  Consty has a crazy family apparently, wouldn't have guessed that.  He asks what she likes about him, she likes that he's not "obvious" whatever that means, translation: he doesn't seem that in to her, and that's what she likes.

He remembers everything she says.  Creepy.  He starts talking about how the home town dates are kind of a big deal.

Ashley: "Do you think this will work for you?"
Consty: "If I fall in love..." well duh. 

Consty says he's ready to take the plunge, cue love lantern soaring, and dramatic music building.  Then all of a sudden a whole bunch of love lanterns spring up out of the darkness.  Nice work ABC.  They knew just one poorly painted lantern was not going to be enough for these two...

I think he's Melba toast.  But Ashley thinks he's perfact.  I guess that's all that matters...

Ben's Date

Ben and Ash do the pretzel and are super awkward.  They play with each other like 5th graders learning how to flirt.  Finally, their moped for one has arrived. 

Ben: "ugh Harry and Lloyd!" love it. 
Ben: "we're going places" so poetic. But not if you don't keep your eyes on the road instead of cheesing the passenger.

Ben says this is straight out of a fairytale.  I don't know one straight guy that says something like this...oh wait, it's practically every dude on this show...

They makeout on the bridge, I cringe because all I hear is stirring macaroni.  Things feel 'right' apparently.

Back at the house. Ryan can't sleep at night...oh geez.  This guy is a skitzoid and a half.  He frightens me.

Ryan gets the one on one.  Finally, maybe he'll shut up about it.

Back to Harry and Lloyd.  Ben: "I'm falling in love with Ashley, but im not ready to tell her."  That means he's going to tell her in precisely five minutes.

She's wearing a bubble tutu skirt.  And a side pony.  And a lime tank.  Is this 1990??

Ash wants to know if she'll be liked and accepted by Ben's family.  I see terrible earrings.  He's basically telling her he loves her, she's tearing up.

Bens barriers are down.  Ash says she feels like he's her boyfriend.  IMO, I'm not sure if barriers ever existed with these two.  They act like 2 horny teenagers every time they're around each other.

Ben spends the night and the guys are pissed!!!!  Especially JP, they all wanna know if they did the dirty.  Inapprop.  His shacking outfit was absolutely disgusting so I can't imagine him scoring if he wore that.  But what do I know?

Group Date: JP, Lucas, and Ames

Apparently Taipei is known for it's weddings...so they're taking wedding photos.  Ridiculous blank statement Ashley...

Question from the peanut gallery who prefers to remain anonymous: "Is Ames still a little brain damaged??  Touché.  That's what's "off" about him!!!

Lucas is wearing a kimono.  Poor guy.  He's not happy about it either.  But Ames's got it worse...

JP: "Ames looks like the offspring of an ostrich and Elton John" add a little Lloyd Christmas in there and you have it to a T.

Lucas vents about JP the whiner and now that he has the James Bond suit and they look like idiots he's suddenly in better spirits...

Lucas and Ashley's date pic was terrible.  Her hair looked aw-ful.  Seriously.  And the dress was equally tragic.  Lucas is giving his best-worst fake smile because he's miserable.  Ashley thinks since he's from the South and rather conservative this would be a good fit for him.  Newsflash: this isn't a good fit for anyone!!  Not to mention their frigid postures in the pics...

Until they start making out...Photogs in the background: "oooh smokin" I'm officially creeped out.  And JP has taken a turn for the worse.

Next up is Ames and Ashley in a pretty white blossom tree.  Although the suit at first glance is terrible, it actually worked quite well for the set up.  We're treated to a very awkward, brain damaged make out.  You can imagine how romantic that might be.

JP scored the traditional outfit and picture.  Yet the scenery was totally weird.

But JP looks like he swallowed an egg...he just can't fake it and smile.  He's got too much on his mind.

Ames: "This doesn't look like it's goin to well."  Well he's not totally mental

Ash:  "You guys hungry?"
Ames: "Not really."  Bah.  That was funny.

Ash has got the pinky out with the cocktails, so priss in her green dress.  This is actually a cute outfit.  Finally!!

Lucas: "I felt like an idiot sitting over there in a dress..."
Ashley: "It wasn't a dress, it was a long shirt."  Nice save.  Not

Ash wants to know if it's going to be weird For Lucas's family bringing someone home after being married/divorced.  Lucas says no that was a long time ago and they just want him to be happy.  Hello?  Not everyone hangs on to their baggage for years and years and years!!!

Lucas soars, and of course takes her for a nice slow dance. 

JP may be shooting himself in the foot with his moodiness.  But as we all know, in Ashley world he gets rewarded.

Back at the house, Ryan after he gets his date card: "I'm pumped, I'm bursting inside." OMG...

Ames decides to bust out the old photos in his alone time with Ashley and we see the landslide eyeballs started early in life.

Ames is rocking the pink pants and Ash in the classic dress, total J Crew ad.

JP takes another route in his alone time and is moaning about watching her on dates with other dudes.  At least he's being honest about being a chach.  This is such a repeat of Ashley and Brad...they are the same person.  Hello?  This.is.what.you.signed.up.for.

She nervously chews her lip...walks off.  To get the rose of course...

Their photos are already on the wall??

Ames and Lucas feel helpless and defeated

Ash loves the squeaky wheel so JP gets the rose.

Ryan's Date.

Ash must have lost her undergarments in transition to Taipei.

Ryan's heart is beating out of his chest, as he reminds us every five minutes.  I wish it were literal because then he would be dead.  Nice short-sleeved linen shirt...are you 50?

They go to a temple, of course Ryan loves it-finds it romantic? 
Ryan: "I'm so ready to focus my life on one person."  Yikes, Ashley is not Jesus.  Recipe for creepy, obsessive, disaster.

Somehow they get handed these rocks that are for the love god or something.  If they land on the opposite sides, you're a match.  Same side=doom.  So what do we think happened here?  They land on the same side. Of course Ryan takes it super serious and promises to pray 10,000 prayers of reversal.

They go watch Tai Chi in this garden.  I found it totally odd, but they just sit there on the steps, Ashley looking totally bored.  She asks him if he knows anything about Tai Chi.  Ryan, "I don't know anything about Tai Chi to be honest", but let me sit here and BS and tell you everything I think I know about it right quick...people like this seriously annoy me.

Things just got real awkward.  Ash isn't sure she's feeling the sunshine and roses anymore in his presense.  Long silence.  Then they decide to go walk around?

She's got the edginess side out that means no rose...

Ryan: "Look at the birds, okay I have a loaded question: what do you do for the environment."
Ashley: "I hate it.  I throw away plastic bottles and people break up with me."

Ash: "Teach me something"
Ryan: "Okay!  Let's talk about water heaters..." Bored and officially tuned out.  Forunately there's an Ashley voice-over with her inner thoughts at this moment.

Ash wonders why she doesn't feel the passion.  Me: Because he's a crazy psycho, desp-er-ate...

He's telling how excited he is for her to meet his family. Yada yada. His eyes are bugging out.  His mind is spinning out of control...she drops the bomb.  He looks like a puppy that got punched.  She cries.  He's like wait, you dont want to meet my family??  Really?  Nope, not in the least.

Ashley: "Maybe I made the wrong choice because he does really like me..." Um, that sounds like the worst reason to base decisions off of.  How insecure are you?

Ryan: "I'm shocked.  I don't want to be alone."
Me: You're not, you have a Kabbalah bracelet.

The meltdown is coming.  Wheels are comin off.  Did he run to the bushes to barf? Take a dump?  What are these grunts??  He's got cotton mouth...uh oh

Ryan: "I wanna.  I wanna find someo... Ughhhh oh man."  Can't finish the sentence the sentence to save his life. Aw &$@?
Literally.  He tried.  Twice.

Great job ABC making him catch a cab in front of the giant heart in the bushes...so sad.

Rose Ceremony

Ash looks like she shopped in the prom section or borrowed  her dress from Jasmine in a peach color.
Harrison has got some crazy spiked hair.  Not in to his suit/tie combo.  It's a little fratty the overall look...

Ash wants to forego the cocktail party.  She's set in her decision.  She's pushed through and found clarity.  PTL.

Lucas is hoping to have a chance to talk with her, as he's on the chopping block.  Shot down.

Ames looks like he got slapped with a wet fish when he hears the news.

Ames: "The situation is pretty grave."

Yikes,  JP is all chatty and know it all again.  Like he really knows what she's thinking...

Ash looks like she's 6 months along. Is that what all the flowy shirts/dresses are about??

Ash: "It gets huge next week, we're involving other people, your families" oh.em.gee. the dramatics are killing me...

Consty gets called first

Ben next

Ames or Lucas??
Lucas to Ames: "Good luck buddy"

AMES!! 

He obviously lost some lbs because his suit was pinned in the back.  Anyone else see that?

Odessa gets the boot.  Still calls her sweetheart.  Gentleman to the end...He doesn't want to stay to hear the rejection lines.  He took the gut shot, and left with class.  He's just looking for someone to have breakfast with y'all!! 

Ash: "Saying goodbye to Lucas was so hard, I just wonder if I made the right choice.  I just didn't know there was going to be this much pressure."  She's a basket case.  Get Harrison, some water, maybe a paper bag, and some Prozac...and a therapist.  Stat.

Now the Emily/Brad drama. 

She's walking up and already crying.  She looks gorgeous as always.

Emily to Harrison: "I thought we'd be planning a wedding next time I saw you."  She's super emotional being back at the house, the memories, etc.

Harrison: "What was it about brad?"
Emily: "He's such a gentleman, beyond the looks, he's good at expressing how he feels"  Really, cause I thought he had anger management issues?

Harrison: "Where does your relationship stand?"
Emily: "Not engaged anymore, always going to be a huge part of her life."  So obviously not together at all...

She just brought up "dot dot dot."  Good Lord.  Do these people not realize that this is the most absurd concept ever??

Emily: "I'll always love brad, I'll never say Anything bad about him"  True class.

Harrison: "So, what happened ATFR?"
Emily: "Oh you know, we were so happy to be engaged, going to get an apartment, but red flags came up: my want for it to work out overshadowed the reality.  We're both used to being single.  I need to know the person I'm moving for is still want to be with me 6 weeks from now much less 6 years from now. Amen. I didn't have that reassurance." yada yada yada which basically tells us nothing...

Emily: "I wanted it so bad.  I feel like a failure.  I just had such high expectations"  Maybe this is why it crashed and burned...

Best part of the whole thing.  Apparently the Papparazzi were hounding her like white on rice. 
Emily: "How do you explain that to a 5 year old that doesn't know what The Bachelor is?  I tried telling her that they mistook me for Taylor Swift but she didn't believe me." bahaha

I want to focus on being a mom.  This attention brings out the worst in people.  Amen.

Apparently Brad gave his 'blessing' but decided not to show because he's a huge idiot that will probably be single for life.