Bachelor Recap: AKA the show that could be summed up in about 45 minutes, but we're forced to endure 2 hours of it.

So last night's episode begins with Chris Harrison popping by the mansion to let the ladies know things are going to be shaken up this week and they need to pack their bags.  The viewers are relieved to see that Harrison found the correct wardrobe this time, as last time he found himself dabbling from the 70-year old's rack.  Michelle gets excited because she thinks this might be the moment when all of the other girls are going to be sent home and Brad will rush in and whisk her away to Tahiti to practice making babies.  But alas, they're all going to Vegas instead.  But Michelle makes sure to let us know that she needs the other girls to go home so she can have more room for her luggage.

The girls arrive in Vegas and see that they will be staying at the Aria hotel and Brad is there to greet them on their arrival.  He takes them up to penthouse floor and shows them their digs for the next week.  And in "dramatic" fashion, he is the one to deliver the date card.  Marissa the genius tells us that as soon as the date card hit the table, it all became real.  The date goes to Shawntel, and there is some sexual reference in the card that gets the ladies feisty.  Brad comes by to pick her up, and the ladies start wallowing in self pity...which we see does not end for the entire 2 hours...kill me.  We learn that everyone will get a date this week.  There will be one group date and then the dreaded two-on-one date.

Shawntel gets what I would call my 'dream date.'  Brad takes her to the mall and she goes on a full out designer shopping spree on ABC.  The only thing ruining it, was the weird music in the background that made our sweet Bachelor seem a little "slow."  My thoughts are, even if she gets dumped in 2.5 seconds, she gets to keep the clothes and that my friends is a win-win.  After they're shopped out, Brad takes her back to the penthouse to get ready for the evening and dump all of her loot.  Of course, the ladies are green with envy the second she gets back in the door and is literally swallowed by all of the shopping bags.  Michelle lets us know she's jealous of Shawntel's one-on-one time, but let's be honest...she's wondering why in the heck she had to repel down a building in her ugly black tennis shoes and the funeral director gets an all expense paid shopping spree?!  Let's get real here Michelle. 

We start to really like Shawntel at this point.  She seems so normal and cute and as Brad describes her, she's "unassuming" which made him want to spoil her.  Everything is just dandy, until the word vomit (and talking with her mouth full) ensues with her opening up about the embalming process.  Seriously?  I think this might rank up there with the list of things NOT to talk about on a first date.  But Shawntel finds it hilarious and Brad is sweating with the rose sitting in the middle of the table staring at him.  News flash Brad, the rose is always in the middle of the table. 

Brad hands her the rose, and picks her up for the 4th time on their date, and I kind of wanted to vomit.  Not to mention she loses the Prada heels at some point and her Old Navy flops are waving right in front of the camera...nice.  Shawntel may be unassuming, but she sure will plant a kiss on the Bachelor whether he's ready or not.  The fireworks show begin and Michelle is once again seething because this should be her date.  She has the best motion for fireworks, remember?  I think Shawntel's got best friend material written all over her.

At some point, the group date card arrives and we realize that the Ashleys are on the dreaded two-on-one and the water works start up.  They both struggle to find words since they're BFFs in the house and couldn't possibly handle it if the other were to be sent home.  We feel for them, but can also see the nervous tick boiling to the surface with the dentist and we know she's already scheming.

The girls get in yet another stretch limo to head out to Las Vegas Race Track.  Michelle lets us know she's really excited about this date because she's "fun and hot and you should see me in a race car."  Michelle, I'd like to see you crash and burn in the race car.  Okay, maybe that's a little harsh.  Of course Brad has forgotten that Emily's fiance was a race car driver and has noticed that our bottle blonde is not acting her normal self.  He pulls her aside and they discuss why this is tough for her and Brad feels like a colossal jerk.  However, Emily decides to face her fears and her past by driving the car, but not before she has a minor meltdown before driving.  Brad stops by to comfort her, and this starts to wear on the other ladies.  Chantal starts getting hella crazy and saying she feels like they're all being creepy and just spectators on a date with Brad and Emily.  We kind of have to agree.  Later, at the pool party, Alli starts feeling dejected and crumbles in front of Brad.  Later, we see her take an angry turn and her jealousy comes out when she says, "what, so the person with the worst story gets the most attention.  That's not fair."  Really?  I hope you hang your head in shame in watching yourself on TV, because I'm pretty sure you have no redeeming qualities at this point.  Especially with your bug eyes.  Chantal, also jumps on the crazy train at this point too.  Am I the only one who's getting sick of her whining and complaining?  I would also like to take this time to point out the atrocity that was Brad's swimsuit.  Seriously, the chick in wardrobes needs to be fired.

Next stop on the crazy train, is "I love you" town, which Chantal jumps right in to.  Fortunately she catches herself and how dumb she sounds, but alas the damage is done and Brad kinda wants to get on the crazy train now.  Chantal finds it endearing that he plays such a good boyfriend role with the other girls.  I'm pretty sure this is not the recipe for success in building a solid relationship, just my personal opinion.  But then there would be no point to this show, so kudos to Chantal for being the resident crazy along with Michelle.

Once again, Brad pulls Emily away and I'm pretty sure there's an audible groan from all the girls.  Brad wants to let Emily know that he's not trying to be her "Ricky" and wants to make sure she's not looking for a replacement.  Brad says he's worried that's she's only loved one person.  Emily flips it around, and Brad immediately flusters and says no I've been in love plenty of times (Hayley's thinking, is this really something you're proud of?  Slash boasting about?)  And Emily takes this opportunity to finally say what we're all thinking, "well honey, you're a bit older than me."  THANK YOU.  Try 14 years older, to be exact.

At this point, they decide to rejoin the group and Brad interrupts a conversation that is clearly about him and things get awkward.  Chantal puts him on the spot, he doesn't like it.  Michelle takes him away, and I really can't say one productive thing about their time together other than the fact that watching them kiss makes me want to stab my eyes out with dull pencils.  They come back, and in a twist, Emily gets the rose.  Back at the house, the dreaded date card arrives and Ashley S. starts to crumble under the pressure.

Their date begins with them coming to the Elvis Cirque de Soleil show to watch rehearsals.  Brad lets them know they're going to be joining the rehearsal and they get changed in to some more suitable clothes.  This part was a snoozer.  Ashley doesn't want to lose against herself, whatever that means, and Ashley the dentist lets us know the friendship is off and she's ready to win her man.  I'm not surprised.  Poor Ashley loses her fake boyfriend and her BFF in the same night.  They go to dinner before the show, and Ashley S. is sent home.  She describes the emotions of the heartbroken in her exit, and I'm thinking she should have never come on this show because she just got eaten alive.  The dentist barely takes two full seconds to accept the rose and shoots an "I win" glance at her former BFF.  At this point, I think the dentist has 0 redeemable qualities.  The other Ashley needs to cut herself some slack.  You're young and still wearing neon bracelets with formals...there's plenty of time and fish in the sea.  Cut back to the dentist and Brad's winning show performance.  I'm pretty sure I've never seen anything more unattractive than Brad in the spandex camo and stage make-up.  Just saying.

The cocktail party was draining.  Britt has to be one of the most rigid and awkward people ever.  Marissa is the random texter, who knew?  Michelle is practically a dominatrix and I think the flashes of fear in Brad's face was a turn on for her.  Chantal was wearing one of the ugliest dresses I've ever seen.  Michelle might be leaving this season in a straight jacket.  The two randoms get sent home: Lisa and Marissa.  Marissa is wondering what to do with her sparkly headbands now that there's no more cocktail parties, and her catalogue of texts she documented but never got to send.  Lisa is heartbroken and wishes she had done things differently.  I'm sitting here wondering how to get those two hours of my life back and trying to figure out how much Brad is getting paid to keep Michelle for the final four.