Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Bachelor Recap: Canada, Oh Canada

--> Sean says he loves Canada and Lake Louise as we’re treated to the visual feast of what looks like a pond, some broken trees and slate rock…
He has some disappointments from Montana and he doubted if his wife was in the room.

Okay the ladies’ view is much nicer!  Gorge.  That water does not look like a normal color of water, it’s a serene baby blue.

Chris Harrison shows up in a zipper cardigan with blazer over, interesting combo.  He explains there’s a group date and two one on ones with roses up for grabs.

Catherine gets a one on one date: “Let’s find our fairy tale ending.”  Catherine is happy to be here and enjoy this space with him.  What?

Catherine is left by herself in frigid/blizzard-like conditions, freezing.  Finally Sean shows up in a monster truck bus and says they’re going to play in a glacier.  Catherine gets a warm body suit to accompany her massive hoop earrings.  Perfect for sledding on a glacier.  They’re doing somersaults, handstands…it’s snowing so hard that Sean looks like Mr. Freeze.  Apparently all this fun is perfect wife material.

They go on a carriage ride to a glass castle, pretty baller honestly.  These two kids are giddy with excitement.  Chiseling dirty ice in to their cups, clearly romantic.  Someone with artistic vision froze roses in to ice.

Group Date: “Let’s bare our souls.”  Everyone’s called but Desiree.  Daniella is confused and I’m thinking this is a permanent state of mind for her.

Back to Catherine, she’s telling about a dramatic experience at 12.  One of her friends died in front of her on a hiking trip.  This experience showed her life values: marriage, kids.  She wants to be with him because she thinks they could be great.  I’m scratching my head, Sean’s heart is melting.

GROUP DATE.  The girls look annoyed.  AshLee makes the most of it and runs in for the hug.  Fortunately there’s no leg straddling as in typical Bachelor fashion.

There are 7 girls and 3 canoes.  One girl gets to go with Sean.  Lesley calls dibs and there are a lot of death stares shooting in her direction.

Sweet Sarah rises to the challenge even though this will be a difficult date for her.  She’s looking lovely in the peachy pink scarf.

Lesley lets Sean do all of the work and just turns around to soak it all in.  The other girls are royally pissed now.  Selma wishes a giant fish would just come and eat their boat right then…and then she dorky laughs for 3 seconds at her own joke.  Bless her.

Sean has got on some pretty tight pants…hey-o.  He tells the girls they’re going on a Lake Louise polar bear plunge to join some club.  I’m thinking Sean might need some assistance getting out of those pants.  Selma has about 0 incentives to go for the plunge, whether or not it’s for a rose.  She won’t put her life at risk.  I mean, it is like 0 degrees outside apparently.  She pulls the Baghdad card again…I mean didn’t you just say you don’t do heat a couple of weeks ago?? 

AshLee wants to bail too, but she’s feeling pressure.  Finally they decide to go and there’s lots of screaming.  Daniella says something dumb about being hot and they could be hot and cold together I dunno.  They are in the water for .5 seconds and then run out to robes and coffee, I know the Tierra freak out is coming…

I mean I understand the concern for AshLee she has like 0% body fat, but Tierra?  Come on.  Sean looks like he’s miserable himself so he just lets the professionals handle it.  Sadly it takes like 4 people to carry her to the car.  She’s shaking uncontrollably, not talking.  They ask her what day it is, she doesn’t know.  This is crazy…the camera’s in her face and she crumples and says “I missed time with him.”  WOW.  Academy Award goes to her.

Cut to her in a robe in her room with oxygen, some random lady massaging her feet and her chowing down on a cheeseburger.  WHAT?!?!  I’m dying laughing.  Is this real life?

Tierra decides to not come to dinner, but in true drama fashion, she’s going to crash the party later.

Lesley is ready to let her guard down.  Lesley says she loves love and is so happy to be there and feel those feelings.  Sean says he appreciates her.  What?  They makeout.

Sarah lets her guard down too and brings some family photos.  It was really sweet.  Sean is struck by the reality of the situation and seems to kinda freak out.

Desiree gets her date card: Don’t be afraid…to fall in love.  Everyone’s wondering where Sean’s heads at with giving one girl two one on one dates.

Back to drama land.  Tierra walks in as every one is talking about her.  Lesley says everyone needs to watch out because we’ve got a Tierrarist on our hands.  Ahahaha.

Oh, and what’s that?  Oh no big deal, just Lindsay and Sean making out by the hot tub…

Later, Sean gives this speech before giving out the rose and Tierra, by the look on her face, is certain she will get it.  Denied.  The look on her face when he said Lesley’s name was priceless.  I can tell she probably wants to implode right now, but she’s holding it together.

Oh no, Sean’s brooding.  Is he going to dump someone early??  Oh no, he’s going to send Sarah home because he doesn’t see forever with her.  Sad face.  Poor thing!  This whole I’m not in to you conversation is terrrrrrible.  Poor thing, you’ll find the right guy.  Just between us, this show is not meant for a nice, shy girl like you.  It’s meant for the overly forward, flirtatious and aggressive women in the world that may or may not have serious issues that should not be fixed by a relationship but with therapy.

Moving on, Desiree is going to have to earn her picnic.  This is designed to be a confidence builder.  I just noticed with camera close-ups that she has a butt chin.  That’s unfortunate.  They’re going to have to rappel down a sheer 400’ cliff.  No big deal.  Apparently this also a commitment builder as well?  Dez says Sean’s a good cheerleader and he says I cheered in high school.  And then there’s that moment, when you don’t know if he’s kidding or serious…They talk, they kiss, they climb trees.  Later they have dinner in a tepee.  Sean is wearing a gosh awful sweater…like so ugly.  I was distracted until she started talking about living in a tent as child, a trailer park…what??  Oh the irony of it all.  She gets a rose; he needs to get rid of that sweater.

Cocktail Party.

Selma, to the shame of her family lays one on him.  Shouldn’t her massive cleavage be equally shameful?

Lindsay makes a pact not to kiss Sean the whole time they’re talking.  Wow, an actual conversation??  P.S. she’s conjuring the wedding dress vibe again with that dress choice.  He asks her to tell him something he doesn’t know about her, she responds with: I sleep naked.  Classy.  Then they make out…I’m grossed out.

AshLee draws a connection to the polar plunge and getting out of her comfort zone.  In an effort to surrender her need to control things in life (due to her abandonment issues) she hands Sean a scarf?  For him to lead their relationship?  I’m so confused.  Next thing you know she’s being blindfolded and carried.  I can think of other ways to accomplish this purpose…but, we have tears, she’s moving mountains.  I guess it worked.

What is Tierra wearing around her neck?  Odd combo with the toga-looking dress.

Roses go to: Lindsay, AshLee, TIERRABLE

Daniella and Selma are left to lick their wounds.  Chris Harrison is awful monotone tonight. 

Pack your swimsuits; they’re going to St. Croix.

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