Bachelor Recap

I must say, I was a little bit confused as to whether or not I was watching an ad for Gold's Gym or the show.  We have a montage of shirtless scenes, featuring some exercise and muscle pumping.  Later we're treated to some cheesy lines about him hoping to be a woman's rock while he scales a rock/cliff.

But first, we have to travel down the Emily heartbreak highway.  He heads to mom and dad's to lick his wounds and play with his nieces/nephews in their matching plaid shirts.  I'm just wondering if there's another armadillo in the oven...

Dad asks how his heart's doing, and Sean lets the world know it's getting better, but he's looking for love to compliment his life.  He's the odd one out at family functions because he's the only one who's single.

Noticeably missing is Chris Harrison in the first 40+ minutes...where's the counseling session?  I guess Sean is just a little too normal for this piece.  Instead we get to experience the bromance between Ari and Sean.  They bond over the proverbial wool being pulled over their eyes by Emily.  Ari coaches Sean on handing out roses, how to dump a girl, and even some kissing pointers.  I wasn't sure if they were actually going to practice or if this was strictly a lesson...

Ahhh, there's Harrison looking dapper as ever.  We now get to 'meet' some of the girls from the season. Here's my take
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Desiree, I sincerely question your style techniques based on the chick wearing that tacky wedding dress…

Tierra is the crazy it appears this season!  Did I miss her on the cheat sheet??

Robyn, you need some hobbies.  Dancing in the middle of the park and sticking Post-It notes everywhere hardly qualify.

Diana, our young mom/divorcee this season.  Will Sean want to go the step-dad route again? 

Sarah, I’m rooting for you!!

Ashley.  “I don’t know why I’m still single.”  Probably because you are the crazy cat lady that reads 50 Shades of Grey (aka porn) in your room alone.  I'm seriously grossed out.

Lesley, the Southerner in DC and against all the DC nerds.  She describes herself as the modern Southern belle.  So embarrassing that she said “I will campaign for Sean’s heart if I have to.”

Kristy the Ford model.  Obnoxious.  “Girls will be jealous of me.”  Someone's a little over confident.  And her PT seemed to get a little close for comfort...

AshLee, the personal organizer.  The adoptee/foster child.  Bless her heart!  Rooting for her too.  Although, I think she may have some OCD tendencies given her past.  And I'm not sure what a personal organizer actually does, but I think I need one!

Now that we've had that little preview, it's time for the girls to arrive.  I provided some short-hand notes of all the entries to jog your memory.  Let the craziness begin...

 

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AshLee is the first out of the limo.  “They say to save the best for last, but not in this case.” Oh, hey girl.

Jackie pulls out the red lipstick to leave her mark on him in the way of a kiss on the cheek.

Selma pulls a wad of sweaty tissues out of her bosom to wipe the lipstick off his cheek.  Seems a little too planned.

Leslie has a case of the schoolgirl crush…did you really just say Holy Toledo?

Daniella, has a bad case of bed hair.  And what’s with the handshake?  She almost racked him!

Kelly, I’m embarrassed for you.  The song was so Miranda Lambert wanna-be.  Also, please don’t tan so much. It makes your face look realllly shiny.

Katie, the yoga instructor.  She wasn’t wearing shoes…gross

Ashley, this is more like 50 shades of awkward.  Pulling the tie out of your boobs?  Really?

Taryn, she doesn’t watch the Bachelor.  They’re going to have a fresh start, if she actually tells him her name.

Catherine, find her for a dance?

Robyn…poor thing.  She ate it, hard.  And it looked like her elbow twisted in a direction it wasn’t supposed to go.

Lacey, nickname Lace.  She hands him a wad of lace in the shape of a heart.  It was weird.

Paige, what the heck is a jumbotron operator?  She was on the Bachelor Pad, strike one…

Tierra.  She has an open heart tatt on her finger and hopes Sean will be the one to complete it.  Vomit.  She has some serious seductive eyes going on…

Sean tells her to wait, and walks off…soooo dramatic!  Not.  He goes to grab a rose and “bend the rules a little bit.”  He gives her the rose right on the spot.  When Tierra walks in and the girls see the rose, they're immediately jealous…figures.

Amanda, she wants to have the awkward pause and get it out of the way.  I’m dying.

It must be realllllly humid in LA.  Keriann was having some curl/half-curl issues going on.

Desiree, like her dress but not the color.  She brings pennies for the fountain, how cute!

Sarah, she says she always envisioned falling in love on the Bachelor.  Yikes.

Brooke, she reminds me of Foxy Brown with that hair-do.

Dianna, she wants to run off with the Bachelor, he wasn’t tempted.  He actually said he wanted to talk to the other girls inside.  Probably smart since you'd be walking in to a house-full-of-kids situation.  For someone who owns a salon, I was expecting something better with the hair-do.

Lesley, she brought a football.  She pretends to call a play so she can admire his rear-end.  I like her style.

Kristy, I think you’re a little too sure of yourself.  I think it’s going to bite you in the rear-end.

Ashley H., “Hi Ken, I’m Barbie.”  Gosh how many times are we going to hear that tonight?  Not a fan of the mermaid dress.  Especially when it’s so tight the fabric ripples across the front…

Lauren, apparently she has My Big Fat Italian Family.  Her dad must be in the mob, I think Sean’s terrified.  And he should be.  She told him her dad would break his legs...great first impression.

OH NO, it’s the chick in the bridal gown.  Oh my word…Lindsay said, “you may now kiss the bride” and proceeds to force-kiss him on the mouth.  WOW

And now for the surprise guest…No. 26, I already don’t like the shoes…Oh no, it’s Kacie B.  I’m already annoyed.  Her voice/laugh are so irritating.

Kacie walks in confidently until the you hear the whisperings/muttering/profanity (thanks for keeping it classy “Anastasia”) going around the house.  “She came in fourth on Ben’s season, she made it really far.”  I mean, they’re not even trying to pretend like it’s not a competition.  Christian Grey's wannabe lover aka Anastasia brings out the parents’ card…burn

Sean comes in.  He tells them not to be nervous.  Just be yourself, relax.  Little does he know that is near impossible for any of these people without copious amounts of alcohol.  Then the inevitable Emily name-drop.  The girls should tremble at all of the comparisons that are about to happen.

The wedding designer (Desiree) feels like she’s at prom.  I’m guessing that’s where her maturity level is stuck.

Kacie gets some time with Sean.  He’s a gentleman and offers her his coat.  I guess they have hung out before?  At a Bachelor event?  He met her as a friend…uh oh.

Desiree and Sean talk about growing up with siblings.  She gets the second rose.  At this rate, he might hand them all out before the ceremony.

The claws are coming out…and Capt. Obvious makes an appearance.  “He handed out another rose, that’s like 2 roses.” 

Kacie B. “He’s handed out another rose and I’m roseless.”

AshLee gets a rose.  Then Tierra, Desiree, and AshLee try to upstage each other and say maybe Tierra’s wasn’t the first impression rose.

Tierra goes off slurring in the confessional about how she got the rose after saying one sentence to John, that was it…I swear she slurred and said John not Sean.  Oops.

Now it’s rapid-fire and Sean's handing out roses left and right, but not to everyone.  

Bridal Gown: I hope he gets the joke.  I want him to know I’m a goofball.  But honestly, I wish I was more sober right now. BAHAHAHAHA, for realz

Then she tries to make out with him.  She says give me a kiss, and follows it up with, I’m not contagious.  YIKES.

Christian Grey starts bumping and grinding her way around the house.  She’s hammered and embarrassing herself.  I hope she sees an early exit.  She has a one on one with Sean shortly after and pulls the tie out of her boobs again.  Sean says he brought a rape whistle in case he finds himself in trouble.  Hilarious.  I almost peed.  Sean was ever the gentleman, but followed with "50 shades of grey may have become 50 shades of drunk."

The girls are starting to get flustered and are swarming him like flies to the buttermilk.

The blonde in the navy, Taryn, is having a drunk, emotional moment.  Get yourself together girl.  This show is all about competing for your man.

Sarah is also taking a backseat.  She’s a bit insecure and nervous.  She doesn’t feel that she deserves what everyone else gets because she has some baggage with her handicap.  Poor thing.  You’re beautiful!  She gets her chance to talk to Sean and gets a rose.

Rose Ceremony time.  About half the girls already have roses.  7 more to hand out. 

They go to: Amanda, Leslie M., Kacie, Kristy, Daniella, Taryn, Lindsay?!

Paige, I think it’s time to hang your hat on the Bachelor franchise…

Honestly, the progressive rose hand out was genius.  It’s much easier to remember 7 names than 19…What do you think of our Bachelor?  His one-liners are pretty good and timely, but I'm afraid I'm going to get bored this season.