Before I begin this recap, I would like to start us off with some definitions for frequently used terms that these girls seem to not be familiar with...
· Jungle noun, often attributive \ˈjəŋ-gəl\ land overgrown with tangled vegetation containing the dwelling places of wild beasts
· Rainforest: noun, (rān'fôr'ĭst, fŏr'-) A dense evergreen forest with an annual rainfall of at least 406 centimeters (160 inches). Rainforests are often, but not always, located in tropical regions.
Thank you answers.com. I would have been very confused last night, had I not been familiar with these terms and how interchangeable they are for some people...
We begin our episode with a recap of last week, which took all of 3 minutes. And I'm thinking, I know right, this show can be summed up in about 3 sentences yet we're forced to endure 120.
Chris Harrison is noticeably absent. Probably berating the wardrobe stylist for her many malfunctions this season and missed his cue. Brad tells the ladies they will need to again pack their bags since they're going to Costa Rica.
Cut to Ashley the dentist: "I'm ready to get down and dirty in the jungle with Brad." Thanks to answers.com, I can only assume she is referring to the mass chaos that is this house and these women, aka the lipstick jungle.
Anywho, the trip is underway and Emily lets us know that this will be a "new" experience for the two of them since she sure didn't grow up in a jungle and doesn't think Brad did either. I'm still wondering why the term 'jungle' is being used.
They arrive at their hotel to see Brad and he shows them to their room for the weekend.
Alli lets us know they have a view of the volcano from their hotel and it was so cool because you could see steam coming from it. Great insight Alli. Did you miss the lesson about volcanoes from 6th grade?
The date card is dropped by Brad to sufficiently ruin the moment for everyone in anticipation of who's date it's going to be. Emily picks up the card to put us out of our misery and Chantal's name is on it. Michelle spirals off in to crazy land hoping Chantal gets attacked by apes.
All of the ladies sit around with Chantal while she waits to get picked up. Most are sporting the side bangs braid, however, Chantal is sporting the massive mom clip from the 90s. She also looks like she is dressed for the gym, and I was a little embarrassed for her when Brad came by in his corral polo and khakis. (I won't say what I was really thinking at this moment in time.) He whisks her off to what else, but a helicopter, and Chantal is still easily amused by it even though it's been done a bajillion times.
Cut back to the bungalow and Michelle is bending poor Emily's ear about what she really thinks about Chantal. I think she's "aggressive, overly confident and egotistical." After her dominatrix stunt last week...no she didn't. This reminds me of my youth group days that were targeted at gossip. A wise leader once told me, often times the things we point out in others are things we don't like about ourselves.
Back to the Bach and Chantal-They fly over the canopy of the jungle the rainforest and Chantal is wondering what they're going to be doing. I'm hoping they get to it quickly because the helicopter dialogue is killing me...Brad tells her they will be landing about 600' off the ground to go zip lining.
They're getting all geared up, and lo and behold it starts to rain. Well duh, it's the rainforest. And Brad is wondering if it might get canceled. Well Brad, considering it probably rains nearly everyday here in the jungle rainforest, I imagine they've got this figured. He does add that he hopes the rain makes them go faster. Brad lets us know in his solo time that this date is important and could be a make it or break it, since last time he saw Chantal she was a drama queen.
They both seem to be enjoying themselves and the scenery, and Brad lets us know that he's glad the fun Chantal is back. They clean up for dinner and make it about 2 seconds in when it starts raining. Brad has a back-up plan and they run to his room. I'm not sure if he says, you can use my bathroom to dry off or what. But Chantal emerges wearing nothing but one of his white shirts. Chantal is definitely down with the Risky Business. Brad was tongue-tied. Chantal proves that she will stop at nothing to get him to fall in love with her. I was starting to feel uncomf. After clearing the air on her behavior from last week cuz she was in a "bad place" Brad gives her the rose. Chantal makes many references to future children and seeing him every day for the rest of her life. I'm still uncomf.
Next, the date card arrives for the group date, and Alli and Britt have their fingers crossed that one of them will get one-on-one time since they've each been on 5 group dates. yikes. The date card is read by Chantal and Alli has gotten her wish. The other girls try to be excited for her. Alli says she is so ready to have a date with Brad and to come home with that glow like the other girls. I already feel bad for her.
Brad comes by to pick up the ladies for some adventure. Little does he know that adventure for most of these girls is trying a new shade of lipstick or blush. However, Brad leads them up to the top of the waterfall where he lets them know they will be repelling down. I must say, Brad looks like a doofus in chacos. It's like seeing linebackers in Vibram 5-fingers...it just ain't right. I guess aqua socks could be worse. Michelle's blood starts boiling because she and Brad have a phony pact to not go repelling without each other for as long as they both shall live. She feels betrayed, and I'm thinking her crazy points have gone up times a 100. Lea Michelle looks like she might faint, and says she's deathly afraid of heights. Shawntel takes the bull by the horns and volunteers to go first. She really wants Brad to notice that. I like that about her. Almost every one has made their way down except for Brad, Jackie, and Michelle. Michelle refuses to go, and Jackie is left to make her way down in fear. Britt is at the bottom letting us know that Jackie may have just soiled herself. At least it's in the waterfall and will likely be washed away and on to them. Michelle gets violent and lets us know she thinks Jackie is a giant pansy. Brad, when he can finally get two words out when he's not shielding his face from her punches, lets Michelle know they will be going down together. And in true bipolar form, her switch gets flipped for all of 5 minutes as they head down.
Jackie is obv jealous since she would have liked to go down with Brad. And the tit for tat games ensue. Kill me.
Now it's time for the after party at some natural hot springs. Finally, we get to see Brad shirtless, and Michelle ruins it with her dirty/filthy mouth. Seriously, the producers need to monitor her wine/crazy pill intake. Out of control.
Later at the pool, Emily lets Brad know she's a relationship sabotager, but she really likes him. Michelle rakes Brad over the coals about showing other girls attention, especially Chantal. Brad looks completely deflated and decides to not hand out the rose. Smart. Decision. Put those girls on notice that they better work.
Next morning, Brad's feeling better and is ready for his date with Alli, so they can go to the altar together. Brad is once again wearing chacos. Alli is in a dark cave and her obnoxious aversion to bugs and bats is enough to make any boy run for the hills. However, they make it to the "altar" and talk about how cool it is. We're all beginning to notice that the depth of their conversations is that of a kiddie pool. However, they did get a cool dinner on a floating lily pad. Alli is questioning what they're eating. And Brad is wondering where the fireworks are. More awkward conversation, and then Brad decides to start letting her down. Alli chimes in with how comfortable she feels around him, and telling him how she feels. Brad gets silent and awkward because this conversation is now in the opposite direction of his intentions, yet he finds a plug and lets her down easy. Alli starts crying and is wondering how to get off the floating island, and I'm also wondering this very same thing. Brad lets her go, and Alli goes down defending him to the death. Poor girl.
Brad goes home to wallow and stew in his emotions, and then knock, knock, crazy Michelle's at the door. I will spare you the play by play of this ridiculous conversation. Basically, Michelle tells Brad no girl is right for him but her, especially not Chantal. Brad is like who are you and why are you here. Yet somehow, they start making out, and she's off again. Seriously, she is psycho. In her words, I'm telling it to you straight up 100%.
Now we're FINALLY to the rose ceremony. Brad lets everyone know he's upset about how things are going and being confronted about his decisions. Chantal's wheels are turning. She wants to focus on her and Brad's relationship, but she just can't help herself. Michelle plays dumb. Emily takes the opportunity to apologize for her behavior, which surprises Brad. "I said I sabotage relationships. Who would want to hang out with me." Kudos to Emily. she's my favorite but I still don't see it with her and Brad.
Chantal decides to go ahead and drop the L-bomb for real this time when she's already got a rose and nothing to gain. At least she is semi above manipulation.
Shawntel wants to help him relax by playing the quiet game. Are we in 7th grade? Oh wait, this just turned in to 7 minutes in heaven...I see what she did there. I like Shawntel, but at best, they're glorified makeout buddies.
Michelle and Brad's one on one time is an absolute disaster. Michelle turns it around on Brad to be his fault, and Brad is so cowardly he doesn't call her on her manipulation tactics. She starts to cry and Brad is now fully succumbed to her black magic.
Meanwhile, the other girls are playing detective and figure out that is was Michelle who said something. They confront her, and she's like yeah I went over there so what. The other girls are speechless, and finally Chris Harrison comes by to tink his champagne glass and get this show on the road.
Brad speaks from his heart and narrows down the final rose between Jackie and Michelle. We're all hoping he makes the right choice, but alas he doesn't. I was imagining a witchy cackle to emerge from Michelle, but I think she realizes she may not be as safe as she thinks.
Until next time...
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