So, I took lots of notes on my iPhone last night while watching the show. Probably because I was drinking wine while watching and everything seemed worthy of being written down... Therefore, I think I will mirror the Grammy's format and just copy these shorthand notes instead of making it in to a narrative.
We open to the ladies on a speed boat navigating the island of Anguilla.
Britt-SANDWICHES. Is she really a food writer?
I'm loving the beachy linen look Harr.
Emily gets the date card, she's going to a desert island
What's with the girls and the mix and match bathing suits?
Brad comes to pick up Emily. Seriously...another helicopter? Where's your originality Brad?
"I'm hoping our relationship takes off to places it's never been before"-Brad. I'm pretty sure that's a given with every date you have with these women...Capt. Obvious
Boring date so far.
They're both intimidated by each other, stars and moon are aligning...is she an astrologist? Seriously, who says that?
Back at the house, another date card arrives. Britt's going to start packing if it's not her. Chill, there's still one more one-on-one after this...
Shawntel gets another date.
Back to Boring-ville, Brad wants to meet Ricky. Emily gives several deep sighs...what does that mean??
Finally. Emily: "Why would you propose to someone if they won't let them meet your kid?" THANK YOU. Emily: "I'm scared, this is getting real." Well, duh. You signed up for this craziness....
Brad's breaking all the rules. "I'm giving you a rose. I don't care about the rules, I care about Emily." Wow Brad, you are so hard core. I'm thinking this was totally scripted.
On to Shawntel's date. "we're at this farmer's market, and all of this sudden I'm thinking, we're on my perfect date!" Really? How low are your expectations?! And, I'm not digging her outfit choice. Black bra, white tank. Not it.
Brad: "Shawntel and I have had a very slow and steady relationship." Really? Pretty sure all you guys do is make out.
Ohhh Auntie B.
Me: For a funeral director, Shawntel sure seems to like talking to people, and baby goats.
Later at dinner. Brad's talking about his daddy issues. "I don't walk around as some wounded soul." Me: Are you sure about that?? What have you been doing for the past 38 years then, and WHY do you need so much therapy then. Get a grip Brad.
Shawntel and Brad: It's raining. OMG. This is so cool. Let's makeout.
And now, Banky Banks is gracing us with his star performance. You guys, he's like the best singer in Anguilla. Me: I'm thinking that's not hard...Okay, maybe like the whole Caribbean.-Thanks for clearing that up Brad.
Shawntel: "I'm falling in love with someone that treats me so right." --As opposed to so wrong? I'm pretty sure that's a necessary ingredient for falling in love ammiright?
Back at the house, Britt finally gets to shine. I won't even comment on Michelle's worthless two cents at this moment.
Waste of a yacht for Britt? Maybe so...
She's seriously sooo skinny. Brad makes them swim to the yacht. How does she muster up enough energy? Cruel ABC.
Michelle: "Not only do I not see them getting married, I don't even see them friending each other on Facebook." This was actually worthy of repeating. Baha, aren't you a little old for Facebook Michelle? Seriously, you're a mom in your 30s and you act and talk like a college freshman.
I think Britt's plaid swimsuit may be from the Old Navy catalogue circa 1996. P.S. Did anyone else notice the red spot on her neck?!
Britt: "I'm terrified as usual, that's my normal go-to feeling." Me too? This is weird.
Brad: "I hope Britt keeps making that leap in this journey." Cheese Ball.
Back at the house, the date card arrives. Michelle (to Chantal and Ashley's face): "I really don't want to go on a date with you guys." Hilarious. She really has no shame.
Back to Boring-ville round 2, Britt and Brad might as well be making sand castles. There's about a 0% chance this is going to work out well for her.
Brad finally puts us out of our misery and asks to go back to the yacht. Cue an awkward dinner and Britt in a coral-colored Teddy. Brad, I'm just not feeling it. Britt, but maybe you could in time? Brad, yeah that's a no. Britt gets a water taxi back to the mainland. Looks like it happened so fast she forgot to grab her shoes...she walks back to the house in her nighty like she just emerged from the sea as Ariel right after she loses the fins.
Ashley rushes to meet her at the door to add insult to injury. Britt sheds about 3 solid tears and says it's the most she's cried in years. I'm wondering how that's possible, but she is rather robotic and does not seem to need food to function, so maybe it is possible?
Group date starts promptly at 2:07 am. Thanks for that ABC. Brad comes to "rise and shine" the girls. He tells them he's really upset about sending Britt home. Me: Really, you look fine to me?
Brad lets us know that MILLIONS of girls would dream of this date. Me: FALSE. I cannot think of anyone who would dream of taking pictures in their swimsuit for Sports Illustrated.
Michelle's like, heck yeah, about time I get a date doing something I'm good at.
Chantal wishes she could throw up about 2 days worth of food.
Ashley's worried because she's flat as a pancake...
Ashley goes first and she's jumping around the beach. Finally, cue the awkward camera operator who probably got confused that this was not Girl's Gone Wild, and asks Ashley if she wants to take her top off. Ashley's like whatever, I'll use these conch shells.
Chantal is next. Maybe I'm wrong, but has she ever heard of sucking in?? She gets asked the same question. Not to be outdone by Ashley, she takes it up a notch and rolls around in the sand topless. Awkward camera person's, like "so hot" I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Brad notices things are getting awkward. Michelle tells us she's done this modeling thing a time or two and is not so easily persuaded in to things like taking her top off. Instead, she bullies Brad into submission and decides to straddle him and rape his face for the photos.
Brad (in hindsight): I realize things might have gotten a little out of hand with Michelle and the other girls are probably upset right now. Me: Ya think? How can you be that dense??
Brad: "Michelle is aggressive and intense and sometimes I like that." -Yikes.
Ashley: After downing gulps of margarita. I feel like you don't like me as much anymore. I'm totally Skipper the kid sister, and Michelle is totally Barbie and you seem to like that.
Brad: "I'd like to think I'm a pretty decent guy." -Yeah you'd like to think...
Brad (in reference to Michelle): "I think all of our conversations are really deep." -Seriously? She doesn't let you speak half the time
Michelle: "I'm the first person to say when I'm wrong"
Brad: "Say you're wrong"
Michelle: "no no no"
ME: That really just happened. Michelle talks a lot for saying NOTHING at all.
Later. Brad's trying to do some damage control.
Brad: "I'm showing respect in a very strange way..." -YEAH, I'LL SAY!!
Brad: "I'm on a date from hell"
Brad pulls drunk Ashley aside for some one-on-one time again. I think she says don't send me home like 8 times, and is basically dragging at his ankles like a lost puppy.
Brad finds this endearing and heads off in search of the rose, only to have some AWKWARD stares by Chantal and Michelle. Ashley starts running towards him saying, oh baby, and I once again threw up in my mouth a little when he gives her the rose.
Shortly after, Chantal loses.her.marbles. Chantal has a meltdown. Brad tries to calm her down unsuccessfully. It's give her the rose or nothing from what I can tell. Cut to commercial. I was reaaalllly hoping there would be the shameless plug from ABC asking us to go online if we'd like to nominate or be the next Bachelor or Bachelorette. Who wouldn't after watching that train wreck?!
Cue the rose ceremony. Apparently it's a barefoot ceremony since none of the girls are wearing shoes...Brad and Harr have a quick sit-down where Brad says he's made up his mind and no cocktail is going to change it. We all know that Brad is a scared little boy and the only way he can make a decision is by NOT being manipulated by Michelle.
Ashley has the safe rose. Emily is given the next. Then Shawntel. Then, dramatic music. Is it Chantal or Michelle?! Chantal is given the rose and Michelle is boiling. Remember earlier when she said if she got sent home she'd be "f-in pissed." Yeah, me too.
I was hoping for a more dramatic exit. Instead, Michelle seemed to float off in to space. I was hoping for some insight in the "diary of the departed" but she went mute at some point and just decided to take a nap in the backseat. It was weird, but I'm so glad she's gone...
At that, my friends, was one exhausting episode. Can we skip to the finale? I can't stomach much more...
No comments:
Post a Comment