Bachelor Recap, Episode 1

Our first moments of the Bachelor are spent reliving the terrible rejected proposal from Ashley.
Ashley: "You are interesting, smart, funny..."
Ben: "Please don't sugar coat it. Good things don't end, unless they end badly."  Zing!  If only we knew how many times these lines were going to be used, abused and misquoted all night...

Despite his tragic outcome last season, he doesn't have any regrets because he followed through.

He said he started to feel like himself again and started to heal when he got back to Cali.
We see him do normal things: bonfires with friends, hauling wine barrels, wearing an orange tank top while on a sailboat with his equally orange spray tan...you know, stuff real folks do.

He also drives the tractor around and sifts the soil with his hands...he's so pensive.  We also see that Gap's Favorite Tee is the official sponsor of this Bachelor's wardrobe.  In this 10 minute montage I think every summer and fall shade has appeared with an intermittent plaid pearl snap thrown in.

Oh and he plays David Gray on the piano...

Side note, this intro for our Bachelor was no where near as interesting as Bach Brad last season...couldn't Ben have joined Crossfit or something in his time off?  Also, I'm going to need a pronunciation guide for his last name. 

Showcased girls:
Lindzi: pretty, but Matt thinks she has an "old face".  She likes to ride horses, which was pretty much the sole focus of her camera time.  She's all about getting back up in the saddle with whatever life throws her.

Amber: Gun slinger and animal killer.  Could barely see her with the camou and blending in going on.  Did she just say beef balls?  Yep, I heard correct.  Apparently she likes to eat balls and it's not even fear factor.

Kacie: Token hick.  She creepily watches his season on the show...she's glad he got dumped because she wants to date him.  She wants a love like her granny and grampy.  How sweet.

Courtney:  She's a model.  I think it's every other word out of her mouth.  She's a cheap Michelle Money wannabe.  Other girls watch out, she doesn't give a rip about you.  She thinks diamonds look good on her...where do they find these people?

Jamie: Token sob story.  Dad died and mom was vacant, so she ended up having to mother her younger siblings.  She's also a labor and delivery nurse and loves people and babies. 

Lyndsie: Lyndsie, Lyndsie, Lyndsie.  Home girl is one crazy Brit.  Apparently she's traveled the world with her family that can 'click, click' like the Swazis and dress like a geisha.  She reminds me of Jane in the cartoon version of Tarzan.

Jenna:  Carrie Bradshaw wannabe...blogger, NYC.  She is like a bronze statue with head issues.

Shawn: the financier from Arizona.  With a son, number one man in her life.

Nicki: Resident Texan.  Young married-divorced.  Tenley 2.0 with a tube bra and see thru dress

Now the girls are en route: Wines a-flowin...this should be good.

But first, we must have an aside with our favorite host CH: His tailored suit is nice and his hair is perfectly coiffed.  They rehash his season with Ashley.  He was humiliated.  He watched it on tv. Difficult.  He was stuck emotionally till what he went thru with the Bachelorette.  Now he's ready to jump back in.  Harrison asks if he thinks his father will be with him while he's going through this.  But of course papa is in the hummingbirds...he saw one on the way to the house.  Good omen.

Now for the intros:
Rachel: bangs, red dress.  Her middle name is Rose FYI, and she has crooked teeth

Erika: lost some panels on her dress.  Omg she just said he was guilty of being sexy

Amber: big nose,  baconator-ew Canadian bacon...ugly dress

Elyse: trainer with huge boobs and Chicago accent

Jenna/Carrie: white dress and extremely awkward conversation opener-screwed up his own quote.  He looked kinda pissed.  Then she freaks out on bangs because she said it was 'cute'

Courtney-cheesy pick up line, and chock full of compliments trying to win him over.  How many times are you going to say he has nice hair??  We're on to you...

Emily-she's the disease studier...Ben: "please don't give me a disease."  After grasping the Binaca she carefully was packing in her boobs and spraying each of them down, she gives him his first kiss of the season.

Samantha: showed up in her pageant sash...help us.  She's more than just a pageant girl, high five

Casey: where's the rest of your dress liner?  And your personality?

Amber: ugly dress choice.  She just walked by twice in case he didn't believe in love at first sight.

Holly: hat and boobs.  She is obnoxious and looks old and orange.  I hope you're not the evidence that KY is known for 'pretty girls'.  Maybe after quite a few bourbons that you're actually known for.

Jamie: cleavage.  that's all I got.
(Ben says he's loving the brunettes after she goes in)

Shira:  needs to eat a sandwich.  Or 4.  She claims to know everything about wine and then can't answer a simple question about her favorite 'summer varietal'

Blakely: pretty name, ugly dress pink and cream

Sheryl: Crippled grandma.  She hobbles her way up to him to say she fell in love with him watching the show...Ben notices she's wearing a wedding ring and then she spills it.  She's actually there to introduce him to her granddaughter.  Ben's endeared.

Brittney: related to grandma.  Trying to relate to the familial side of him. She's cute, and like a foot taller than grandma

All the girls find out Britt brought her grandma and are chattering about it, especially Canadian bacon Amber.  She's already real annoying.

Nicki: pushup dress success, not sure about the dress, but at least it's not see-thru.  She calls him precious

Dianna: totally ugly white dress, terrible laugh when she got stage fright

Jennifer: fake ginger hair.  She's an accountant and starts spouting off numbers about her travels and lack of arrests...I got bored

Lyndsie-she talks way too fast, but I'm glad because her poem was atrocious.  She should have stuck to Japanese or Swahili

Anna-what is this sex face she's giving him??  She totally blows him off and goes inside?  Bold and weird.

Monica:  he's a little strange, all I can recall is saying she misses her dog

Jaclyn: mirror ball dress.  that's all I got.

Shawn: wearing a Kermit colored dress and her boobs are falling out and she slugs his arm?  Not hot.

Casey: super animated.  They agree not to sugar coat anything

Lindzi-shows up on her horse.  She's pretty.  Ben asks her horse's name, to which she replies "first impression rose."  Nice.  He offers to help her down, but then admits he's never actually helped anyone "dismount" before.  They seemed to have good chemistry early on.  I have a feeling she'll go far.  Unless it's the First Impression kiss of death...

Everyone's jealous of horse entrance.  They're all bashing her and the grandma, because they didn't put as much effort in to their intros.  Yeah, I'm looking at you Baconator...

He walks in, lots of girly screams.  He gives the usual 'I've been in your shoes' speech blah, blah, blah.

Nicki is smitten and talks about how beautiful he is...not seeing it. 

Bangs (Rachel) is hoping he'll feel about her like he did for Ashley.  She quit her job for this...yikes

Nicki is obsessed.  She's "nicely bubbly" according to Ben.  She says everything happens for a reason.  She says reason a lot, I think it's the wine.

Lyndzi the horse whisperer looks like she's wearing a bridesmaid dress.  She regales Ben with some cute story about how she tried to make wine with store bought grapes...she seems pretty down to earth and normal.  But it's still early.

Grandma and Brittney are strategizing over who's the competition.  When Ben comes over he seems to be connecting with grandma instead of the granddaughter...Ben eventually walks her to her car and she says she hopes to see him at Brittney's wedding.

Harrison pops in to drop off the FIR.  Some random girl steals the rose.  The Peanut Gallery tells her to put it back...

Kermit wants to one up holly hat, so she whips out the soccer ball to play with Ben.  I'm not sure that was her best move.

Blakely's got a forearm tatt saying love is patient love is kind. The tatt is a locked heart something or other.  I'm thinking Kasey's heart is bursting somewhere out there for a chance to guard and protect her locked heart.  But he's going to have to get through Monica first--more on that later.

Elyse the personal trainer makes him do push ups...how romantic

There's a dance party going on and Ben jumps in.

Some chick in the ugly white dress blindfolds him to feed him candy out of a lunchsack...

Drunk Chick: "It's hard to find time to talk to him when he's being blindfolded and fed candy from a garbage sack"-To be fair, I don't think there was ever any garbage in that sack, but still, pretty funny.

Emily the epidemiologist aka disease girl raps about spreading disease and love...It was terrible

The model keeps playing with her hair and saying she's here for him.  And telling him he has great hair.  She is not as hot as she thinks she is

Jenna is freaking out- "you feel nothing for him?" Monica is cackling about it and pushing her buttons

Monica and Blakely are drunk and having a love connection outside.  It might be the most uncomfortable thing I have ever witnessed.
Monica: "You are my experience right now.  You are my life, you're going to be in my life forever, I just know it.  I need your number." 

Jenna is having a panic attack for no reason...

Those girls need to lay off the booze.  Especially Jenna.  Jenna about Monica: "She's brilliant.  Brilliant at putting people down"  Finally Bangs (Rachel) pulls Monica aside to clear the air with Jenna because she's sick of the drama already.  I mean, it's hour one people...

Jenna: You don't like me.
Monica: I don't know you.
Jenna: Then don't make fun of me.
Monica: I'm not.
Monica: Are you hurt, offended, sad?
Jenna: Nope.
Monica: (cackles)
Jenna: What are you laughing at?
Monica: I think you're making a big deal about nothing.  We're girls, we're on the same page...
Jenna: Yeah sure maybe we can share a tampon sometime.

Hold up, hold up, hold up...What??  That might be the most disgusting thing I've ever heard.

Monica walks off like 'ew' and says she thinks anyone who talks about feminine products or douches is not classy.  I'm going to agree with her on this one...

Jenna is just stumbling around and crying.  Monica is rallying the other girls saying Jenna looked like she wanted to punch her.  Then it was hard to decipher because of the bleeping and fuzzy boxes, but basically she's saying how she wants to cut a b$tch.  Now Monica, is that classy??

Jenna turns the frown upside down when Ben comes out and catches her crying.  She mumbles something about being comfortable and then shoots herself in the foot by being wasted and insulting him...where's the ABC psychotherapist??  She sulks off to the bathroom where she's basically in shambls.

Lyndzi gets the first impression rose.  Duh.

Everyone gets in position for the rose ceremony except we're missing one...Yep, jenna's still in the bathroom.  Someone get her some coffee, a sandwich and a toothbrush/toothpaste STAT.

Rose Ceremony: Love.is.possible
Jamie
Rachel
Blakely-earrings to your boobs
Emily-the rapper
Casey B
Casey S-who was she
Brittney-grandma's girl
Erika
Shawn
Nicki-good hugger?  Get used to it buddy
Jennifer
Elise-miss push ups
Samantha the pageant sash
Courtney-model
Jaclyn
Monica-of course.  Gotta keep the drama pot stirring
Jenna-obviously.  We need a continuation of the Monica/Jenna showdown

The chick that blew him off gets ex-ed, obviously

Amber why the long face?  She's going to find a guy that doesn't like the needy whiny type.  Touche.

The Brit feels like a failure going back to AZ empty handed

Amber T. Is embarrassed and crying

As much as I would like to say this season is full and shock and awe...I really felt like it was a repetition of old characters.  Jenna=Crazy Michelle, Courtney=hired actress, aka Michelle Money...etc.  Also, I think I have now seen every possible to spell Lindsay, Lindsey, Lindzie, Lyndsie...I mean for real.