The Bachelorette Finale

Well, we finally made it.  According to Our Host, it's the finale.  Pronounced Fin-All-Eee, not to be confused with Fin-Al-E, but I digress...

She's ready to walk away with her husband.  She's speeding along on a commuter boat.  Those glasses consume her face and are horribly unattractive.

We pull up to Ashley's eclectic family, who are all sporting some pooka shell necklaces...Her sister is crazy looking.  Kat Von D in training.

Why is Ashley wearing a long sleeve shirt when it loks to be a 100 degrees outside?

Chrystie: "Are you in love?"  "Oh my gawsh"  The accents are already killing me...

Why are they sitting outside?? Everyone is dripping sweat and looking miserable sitting in the direct sunlight.  They all have towels and are literally wiping themselves down...

Chrystie lets us know who's in charge real fast by saying: "If I don't like them, then something is wrong with them and I'm going to have to get to the bottom of it."  Such foreshadowing.

JP is first.  Watching Asley run in the sand with her heels on was priceless.  You'd think she had buckets are on her feet.  She talks about how cute and sharp he looks.  He appears like he's about step onto a yacht not the firing squad that's about to ensue.

They come back to where her family is sitting, still in the sun.  They sit down to have a nice chat.  Ashley's wiping her whole body down.  JP is rehashing their love story.  This is a 100% real guys.  Ash thinks it's going well because she perceives them all to be so excited and fun and not skeptical.

Ashley's Mom: "It was great meeting you and welcome to the family"...Um, did we miss like the whole day?

Chrystie isn't so easily swayed and is bringing on the tough questions at lunch.

What do you see in Ashley?  Does he make you laugh?

Ash is caught of guard and quickly says she makes herself laugh and that she thinks she's funnier than JP.  JP is trying to bring the train back on the tracks by saying that wasn't the question...it was basically a hot mess just then and I have no idea what happened.  But something changed in that moment with Chrystie, and we will never recover.

Ash goes inside to sit with Mom and Chrystie to get their first impressions.  I'm guessing JP is locked in the closet or hanging out with her brother making more pooka necklaces.

Chrystie: "I just doesn't see it.  I don't see you with him."  Ash is flabbergasted as is Mom.
Chrystie: "The defining moment was when I asked if he makes you laugh.  I think you're too much for him."

She starts crying.  Chrystie doesn't get why this is so upsetting and earth shattering.
Chrystie: "I saw how you were together, and I don't see it.  I'm more rational than you."  Ouch.
I think Ashley gets crying-induced asthma.  She has a really hard time crying and talking at the same time.
She can't take the heat.
Mom tries to come in to defend Ashley: "You had a strong opinion and you barely met him..."  Touche Mom.
Ashley obviously cares way to much about what people think

Ash leaves to go find some comfort from her brother, Elliot, on the beach.  Elliot also finds it crazy that Chrystie flew off the handle so quickly.  I mean, I can see why she'd be skeptical, but it did seem a little overboard in my opinion.

Ashley: "Inside I'm kind of a wreck right now."  Where's the on-hand therapist when you need him??

Chrystie takes this time to rake JP over the coals now that Ashley's run off to lick her wounds.  "I was kind of hard on Ashley.  I'm skeptical of you two."  JP looks shocked.  She's all about stirring the drama pot.  That is a really small island for that family.

Chrystie: "What is it about Ashley that makes her the one."
JP: "I wanted you all to know that I really love her." He goes on to say he's always smiling when he's around her, blah blah blah.  Nothing really tangible.

Chrystie: "You're older, she's younger...what do you want with her"  Yowza!!  She is not kidding around...she basically is calling him a skeeze.

I'm thinking she is a total nutcase.  She says that she doesnt see Ash being her happy self.  She straight up told him she saw more with Brad.  For real??  What am I missing here?  They seem totally happy together to me...

JP: "So you're saying if I propose, you're not going  to be happy about it?!"
Chrystie shakes her head 'no' saying she would not in fact be happy about it...JP wants to know how he can turn things around and quick, because this is serious.

Chrystie: "I don't think you can turn this around..."  I mean, you'd think Ashley was a victim of domestic violence after the way this conversation went...

Ashley walks JP out and they discuss the catastrophe that just happened.  JP rightly wanted her to defend their relationship and she says she needs to figure things out...
JP: "I thought you had things figured out"...yikes

Sister face off

Chrystie: "You want me to like him, and that's your problem.  You're trying to convince me and I don't want to be convinced"  M-E-O-W, claws are out.
Chrystie-1, Ashley-0

Ash is floundering trying to explain that he felt defeated already because he thinks you don't like him. 

Chrystie: "Am I here to sugar coat it?"
Chrystie-2, Ash-0

Ashley: "You're saying everything that it's in my head.  You're telling me all these things and you're being such a bitch."
Chrystie-2, Ash-1

Chrystie: "You just want me to tell you what you want to here."
Chrystie-3, Ash-1

Ashley: "I want you to be honest, but I feel attacked."
Chrystie-3, Ash-2

Chrystie: "I'm trying to protect you from yourself."
I'm not going to award any points for that comment because I think it's lame.

Chrystie may have won this showdown, but she's still losing in life.  She tries to get some support from Mom.

Mom: "You're her sister.  She wants your support." 
Chrystie: "But she only wants my opinion if it coincides with what she wants me to say." 

Chrystie is hung up on Ashley's poor "gut" decisions and the Bentley issue.  I think this boils down to her not trusting Ashley's decision-making skills, which is valid given the track record.  But, she needs to lighten up a little bit.

Ben's turn.  Ashley goes ahead and throws out the warning about the sister...

The bro is still in to the pooka shells, so is Chrystie.

Ben sits down with the family, inside this time.  Maybe it will make Chrystie more likley to play nice.  They discuss the process and how it was meeting his family.

Ash explains that while her and Ben share a crazy, funny side, his family is quite reserved.

Ben: "My Mom's like Martha Stewart.  Her and my sister drive in to town for tea."  Something tells me Ashley's family is not the tea and cucumber sandwiches type...

Chrystie wants to know how similar they are personality wise and if he's seen her true, crazy side.  The dreaded dog voices come out...they're each doing them for the whole family.

"Living next door to you two would be so annoying."  Thank you Chrystie.

Time for sister showdown part 2.  Chrystie's coming in with big guns.  Ben's really sweaty. 

Chrystie: "I see Ashley being herself which is what I wanted to see."

He keeps scooting away on their little bench, and she keeps creeping in on him...

Ben: "I finally knew that I loved your sister on our last date". 100%--this term gets thrown around a lot. 

Ben talks a lot about things not being 'forced', which I don't quite understand:  The sheer amount of joy and laughter that was unforced."  What does that mean??

Ben: "All the stars are aligned for engagement"  I really hate it when people say crap like the 'stars are aligned'...

Finally.  The cat's out of the bag--Chrystie has been married/divorced and is cautious of a fleeting romance that this show seems to conjure.

Chrystie: They have a shared passion, the connection is there."  She likes Ben.  I'd love to know what this 'shared passion' is.  Dog voices?

Ben: "I've been accepted in to the family.  That's how I know it's right.  The next time I see these people, we'll be engaged."  Bold.Statement.  I hope you're right...

Ash thinks Chrystie would choose Ben if it were up to her...well, duh.  Ash is not so sure she can trust Chrystie's opinions though, after meeting JP.  She's ready to trust her own instincts.  Hallelujah.

Last date with Ben.  Cue weird cabana boy outfit...nice hat and shorts...

Ash lets us know their overnight date was per-fact. Gross.  Meeting the family was great too.

Ben: "Everything seems to be going swimmingly with our relationship."  Who says that??  He can be such a dork sometimes...

She's got a surprise up her sleeve.  I say surprise loosely because I'm a little over the shock factor this show has to offer.

Hello helicopter.  Ben: "This is out of a movie..."  No Ben, this is out of every single season of the Bachelor franchise...get a clue.

Now we play the game of how many cliche adjectives can you use in the next 30 minutes...go

Ash: "This is all too good to be true.  He's the perfect guy for me."

Ashley: "We're about to get really dirty."  They're going to be partaking in a healing mud bath.
Ash: "Ready to strip?"  She is so classy.

According to Ben, typically you don't think there's anything sexy about mud until there's a girl and a bikini.
Erotic and lubing were two words he used and I wanted to vomit.  Ashley goes ahead and takes the opportunity to lube her right boob under the triangle top for good measure.  I don't think I could cringe anymore at this awkward display...

Ben's ready to drop the l-bomb later in his room.  She shows up in jorts and a tank and he's all dressed up in a button down...oops, someone thought they were just going to hang by the pool...

Ben: "I have serious romantic things to talk to you about."  I'm pretty sure you just removed any potential romance by uttering that sentence.  Awkward silence.  He tells her he got permission to propose...he tells her he's in love with her.  She wants to lay down and makeout now.

Ben: "With that kiss, I think Ashley was telling me she loves me." Yikes, hope you're right buddy.

JP's last ditch effort.  She has more questions about their relationship now.

She's got a nice pushup swimsuit top on.

He tells her he hates being away from her.

JP looks good in yellow.  Although it's real bright...

JP: "Your sister really screwed me up.  How could she be so judgmental."
Ashley: "I think any good relationship should be questioned."  Really?
Ashley: "Did she make you questions things?"
JP: "No...I think she's wrong."

Ashley: "I want a dynamic relationship where we're always growing and loving, blah blah blah.
JP: "That's us, we're perfect together.  When it comes to you, I would do anything."
Ashley: "You want to start a new life with me?  Not just fit in to yours?"  Oh my gosh.  Insecurity cup is officially cracked and needing refilling.  Lord help me...
JP: "I'm willing to give up a lot.  I want you to be happy, because then I'm happy."  Yeah, because that is totally healthy...

JP: "I'm madly in love with you, and I've been dying to tell you."  She tries to makeout, he's dodging and prefers deep staring.  I think he's wanting to hear it back...no such luck.

Ashley: "You're the best boy ever."  Is she talking to Peter Pan or JP?
JP: "Try not to break my heart."

JP just stripped her of the towel as they makeout on the beach...things are getting a little racey on the beach.

Peanut Gallery: "She's a total horn dog."  True.story.

Later at JP's, he bought her a straw purse?

There's a photo album stuffed in there. When do they have time take pictures and get them developed??

JP writes her a letter in the album.  He uses the words "Greatest love story ever told" and I kind of want to vomit.

Ashley: "I get lost in JP."  That sounds really healthy.

JP: "Tonight Ashley made me feel like I was the one."  Too bad Ben thought the exact same thing 24 hours ago.

"She may love both of us, but she can only be in love with one of us."  So wise JP
He's got a crazy vein on the side of his head.

Ash wakes up on decision day and she's wearing a kimono and journaling.  Totally normal.

She takes some time to walk on the beach and reflect on her decision.  She looks like such a mom with the sarong. french braid, and bangs.

Neil Lane is super enthused to see Ben.  "How's he process going?"  Ben dribbles on about love and nothing being forced, yada yada.

Ben picks the ugliest 'forever' ring.

JP looks like he might vomit going to see Neil.  His outfit was subpar.

Neil's like you should be nervous this is a big decision.  What if she says no?  Way to instill confidence in a guy Neil...

JP picks a beautiful ring.  His taste in rings is immensely better than shoes.  Those sandals have got to go!!

Final Rose Ceremony

Ben looks nice in the suit with a pencil tie...his hair is still awful.

JP looks classic in his black suit with the pencil tie.

Who's going to land first??

Ash: "This is the beginning of my fairy tale."  Well, after you totally reject one of them, but sure...

What is this dress?  Who stripped boas of all their feathers and sewed them to her mermaid-tail dress?  And where did she all this sudden find boobs?

Looks like it's Ben's plane? Yep.  We're treated to a nice shot of his mis-matching blue socks.

Ashley: "Who am I to break this guy's heart?"

Ben: "Today is the day I'm going to propose to Ashley."  Nope, no you're not...
I always think about my dad, but especially on a day like this"...oh no.  "Life just goes on I guess, we lost one and we're going to gain another member to the family today."  Make.it.stop.  I'm dying for him!!

Ben to Ashley: "Well, you don't have a ring on your finger."  Ashley looks like she might puke.  She starts to begin her rejection shpeel but is abruptly cut off.

Ben: "Before you start, I just want to say I'm confident in how I feel for you...blah blah blah.  She let's him get down on one knee and PROPOSE!!!...what an insensitive bia!!  She should NOT have let him get on the knee...Poor Ben...

Ashley: "I want you to know that this is not easy."  
Ben: "I know it's not easy.  Well, this is it right?"  He abruptly leaves the proposal stage and is high-tailing it out of there.

She chases after him, she makes it worse by telling him all these useless things after she dumps him.  The fluff that doesn't do anyone any good...

He stops her short.  "What I dont want you to do is sugar coat things."  Zing.  Ben-1, Ash-0.

Ash:  "I just don't want to leave on these kind of terms..."
Ben: "What terms?  Theres no other way to end this but on bad terms.  Happy things can only end badly."
Yikes, Ben-2, Ash-0

Ben: "JP is a nice guy.  I'm sure you'll have a nice life together"...Burn, Ben-3, Ash-0.  This is getting out of hand...

Ben is straight pissed.  He thinks JP was just "the safe bet".

Ashley: "I feel so awful."  Yeah, you should.

Well, she has all of 2 minutes to get her crap together.  JP's landing....

Ash: "JP is everything I've wanted in a husband and a father."

Ash to JP: "Hey handsome..."

JP: "The hardest thing about this is not knowing.  All of my cards are on the table.  To overcome my fears I have to take a leap of faith.  That's what this is, a leap of faith."  Oh.my.gosh.  Why do these people communicate in cliches...it kills me.

Ashley: "You mean the world to me and I do not want to be with anyone else."

She dodged a bullet with the ugly ring.  He proposes. She says yes.

Where's Chrystie right about now?  Poking a voo doo doll with JP's face?

What the heck is this music??  80's?  So awesomely bad.  It's time to bring this ship in to the shore...

Ash: "I love you so much baby"...ugh

ATFR
Chris looks dashing, minus the poofy hair.

Ben looks the exact same.  I think he straightened his hair.  His tie tonight is terrible.  Who gives him fashion advice??

So painful watching this rejection twice...

Ben: "It's tough to watch.  There was some anger there."

Harrison.  "I think it was a testament to how strongly you felt.  It was a very genuine reaction."
Ben: "I was very closed off after my dad's passing.  I think putting myself out there was an accomplishment."  This sounds like a statement from the next Bachelor...

Harrison looks a little strung out in the eyes.  He needs a little yellow undereye cream.

Ben: "That was a long flight home.  I was literally on my way to my friend's wedding.  That was tough."  OMG, how terrible.

Ben: "I'm a more complete person because of her and this process"  Again, this feels like a set up.

Chris is about to announce Ashley.  I'm wondering what the outfit's going to be?  Black, lacey mini dress?  Sleeves? Both or just one??

Out she comes in a baggy, draped shirt and a brown sequined skirt.  Matron length.  Dark dark hair.  What is going on?

Harrison: "Well, you haven't seen Ashley in a while, what do you want to say to her?"

Ben: "Nice ring?"  Ben-4, Ash-0 

Ben: "I have a few questions.  My biggest question was when did you make a decision."
Ash: "There was a point when I thought it was you, but at the end I had to follow my heart."  That doesn't answer the question...

Harrison to Ben: "I still get the impression you're angry."
Ben: "I'm totally not."
Ash: "Watching it back I totally understand."  Well, you should...
Ben: "I left with a little dignity.  That's what it was.  I have no regrets."

Ashley: "No matter what happened it was a magnet for me."  What does that mean??

Harrison asks if she's ready to welcome back JP so they can be together in public for the first time.  Harrison asks how she feels about him.
Ash: "I'm his biggest fan.  And you know what, he's a really good kisser."  Total horn dog statement.

And they make out hard core...nice white sport coat JP.

Harrison: "What is it about JP"
Ash: "To be honest-he picks me up.  He's been there for me. We're a team"

They talk about the Tabloids and her name being slammed.  Yawn.

Ash: "He makes me feel complete.  He brings a sense of calmness to me."  Oh, Lord.

A look back to the proposal. 
It's not a movie theater you two, get a room. 

Harrison: "Being a sports fan, the game tape. How do you think it went?"
JP: "I think I nailed it"  So cheesy...

Harrison brings up the Chrystie drama and invites her to come join the fun on-stage.

Chrystie: "I didn't want her to get caught up in the process and make a decision because she felt like she had to.  But looking at their relationship I can totally see it.  I feel like the biggest jerk ever.  I can't apologize enough.  Shame on me for judging so early."
JP: "Water under the bridge."  I guess holidays will be okay in the future.

Harrison: "What are the plans?"
Ash says she'll be done with school in a month.  She's moving to NYC, they're getting a place together.  They'll enjoy engagement and then make plans.  This doesn't sound promising.

ABC surprises them with a trip back to their engagement spot...here's hoping another one doesn't bite the dust in a month or two's time.

Well, looks like I'll have my hands full with the disaster that is the Bachelor Pad next week.  Heaven help me.