We begin this episode with Kasey running his mouth about how he's going to mentally punch Jake, since he can't physically or he'll be kicked off the show. But he will beat down his defenses. Remember last episode when he described himself as a good person? Yeah, me too.
Jake feels like he's turning the tables on his reputation and people are actually noticing he's not the terrible person he's been made out to be. Jake's hoping to win the rose again to ensure safety.
What is Our Host Chris wearing?? Is he getting wardrobe tips from Wes Hayden?
The Challenge. Target on your back. Means all the contestants have giant targets painted on their backs and based on the answer to Our Host's question, you throw a paint-filled egg at the person you associate with the answer. You get points for hitting your target. Girls vs Boys.
Vienna is excited because she used to play softball and thinks she'll dominate...and she sucks at throwing.
Poor Mikey. Getting hit for being unattractive. Jackie's got a cannon for an arm.
How do you know who's who when all you see is their back? They should have painted their names on or something...
Jake's taking shots to the head for the person they want to go home next. And he's butt hurt over it. He's finally realized that nobody in fact likes him.
Chris really knows how to pour salt in the wound. "That was a miss, but it was clearly aimed for Jake for wanting him to go home next."
It's a tie between Melissa and Jackie. Everyone knows who is throwing eggs now. Melissa won and Graham now knows she thinks he's the dumbest in the house. Ooops.
Kasey tells us he used to be a baseball player in high school. That automatically means he can't throw either.
Everyone wants Erika to go home...
Who are you least attracted to? Erika, Erika, Erika. Poor Erika is getting ripped on by the other contestants.
Erika is a canvas out there.
Mikey heads out and throws an 80 mph pitch, right at Erika's back. Ouch. He wins the challenge.
Erika starts to cry and feel sorry for herself since she was obviously singled out in multiple categories. "I'm naturally curvaceous, like nothing on me is fake. Now Ella, who is bigger than me, can feel like she's better than me. And she's not"
Michael gets his date card and chooses chooses Erika, Michelle, and Holly.
They get a haunted house date? Apparently ABC was going low-budget with this one and drops them off at an insane asylum with a map and night vision glasses. What a creepy date...
Michael: "It was awful. And by awful I mean totally awesome." At least he can turn lemons in to lemonade.
Mike and Erika happen upon some random dudes medical records and think it's a good idea to go ahead and try and channel him. Are they performing a seance? This is really ridiculous...
Michelle doesn't think she really stands a chance to get the rose, so she uses her one on one time to get the scoop on Michael and Holly and the break up. And if there's still something there.
Michael says they were engaged for about 6 months, then she broke it off. Then wanted to get back together, then he broke up with her because he couldn't see himself proposing again.
Mike gives the rose to Holly. They need time to talk. Or cry...
He starts crying when he is opening up to her about how he's feeling. He wants her to be happy. Then she starts crying, she doesn't know why he broke up with her. (Pride.) He didn't know why she broke up with him. Blah, blah, blah. Then the whiskey starts talking and Mike blurts out: "I still love the f@#$ out of you, Holly." Intense. I'm not sure what to do with that.
Holly: "Don't you feel like we've always been best friends?"
Michael; "No, I felt like I wanted to marry you and love you forever, not like a best friend."
Yikes, I can see how this went downhill fast...
Somehow in all of this nonsense he finds himself back in love with Holly, and to hell with the money. Uh oh...
Kirk: "Ames and Jackie are like Romeo and Juliet." That kind of makes me want to vomit.
What the heck is Ella wearing? Camou pants and a black air brush tee? Aren't you like 40 and a mom?
Blake wants to go on the date with Melissa. He wants no part of her and is not attracted to her but sees her as an avenue to the money.
Melissa wants a trade off with Kasey. She gives him the rose tonight and he'll save her later? Not...
Melissa chooses Kirk, Kasey, and Blake for her date. She feels like she's the Bachelorette...the guys are all shirtless. Sounds about right. Hope she enjoys this moment because I think hell would have to freeze over before she would ever get chosen to be the Bachelorette. More like, The Stalker.
Jakes moping. Vienna is conspiring against him. He's desperate and is going to try and ask her for help.
Vienna: "He did things that are unforgiveable." He wouldn't eat food she cooked y'all...
He calls her "V" and asks to speak with her privately.
V: "I'm not comfortable with you speaking to me without Kasey with me." What an idiot.
"Because she's uncomfortable she wants everyone to be uncomfortable." -Gia
Jakes going to be a gentleman and let her sink herself. Smart move. Shouldn't take long.
Blake does not like Kasey. Not one bit. And he's on to his tricks.
"The fact that he tells everyone the same thing, devalues his credibility"-Blake
Blake decides he's best served by sealing an alliance with Michelle. Which he tries to do by getting in her pants.
Blake: "I remember you saying earlier you can tell everything about a person by the way they kiss. Well, I want to give you something to think about me."
Cue stirring macaroni, awkward hip hop music. I just threw up in my mouth...
Blake is straight business and whoring himself out. Whatever it takes to get closer to the money.
Blake gets extended the rose.
Kasey gets pissed that Michelle was shady and didn't hold up her end of their bargain. Blake is smug that he got chosen over Kasey.
Graham and Gia have an aside. She wants to break up the power couples. Graham thinks she might be an asset, he tells her she may not be going home as quickly as she thinks and will give her venn diagram some consideration. Which basically means he's going to go blab to Kasey everything she just said.
Holly is confused. Mike wants to get back together but Blake is new and exciting. And now they're cuddling.
Melissa: "I know that Blake does like me. He said our relationship was so serendipitous. We have so much in common." Is she for real? Who uses serendipitous??
She's running around the house like a lost puppy looking for Blake while he's shacked up with Holly...home girl got played.
Blake: "She's (Holly) like on this island of serenity and I just want to get a row boat and join her on that island, but I can't because every time I get in the row boat, it gets capsized by a typhoon of Melissa" Is he for real? Does he just speak in metaphors for a living??
Melissa is such a creeper. I mean for real.
Her and Blake have a showdown about why she's so crazy.
Blake: "Why can't we have a conversation without you getting emotional?"
Michelle: "I'm not getting emotional, I'm annoyed."
Blake: "That's an emotion." Newsflash.
Michelle: "I just had to spend a lot of time defending myself after that one episode and I came on this show to show that I'm a fun awesome person because I think that I am..." Pretty sure if you have to try and convince yourself and any one else who will listen that you are both 'fun' and 'awesome', you are not in fact fun or awesome.
Blake: "This kind of behavior out of a 32 year old women is appalling." Amen. "People warned me she was unstable" Well duh...not sure how you missed that.
Now that everyone's back in the house, Jake decides to yet again try and plead his case with Vienna, this time with Kasey around.
Jake: "This is me with my hat in my hand" What does that even mean?
Kasey: "Why do you think you deserve to be here?"
Jake: "Cuz I would donate all the money to charity."
Vienna: "Jake I know you're in debt, that's bs"
Kasey: "That's such a bogus answer. Who says they're going to donate money to charity, I mean c'mon!"
Kirk: "Jake and Vienna enjoy humiliating Jake. And then they start making out. It's a weird crazy roller coaster with those two."
Vienna is proud of her bf for being just as trashy as she is, which is totally manly in her eyes.
Kasey let's us know that it's guard and protect time by making the heart beat on his wrist tattoo. This kid is a joke. Get your throat fixed. Officially sicked out.
Chris Harrison shows up to see how everything's going in the house and how they're all getting along.
Will spills the beans and says Jake and Vienna are making things awkward.
Vienna opens her fat mouth and says it's not appropriate to be on this show with an ex fiancé.
Stag and Holly look at each other like, we're making it work. Which Harrison quickly brings to her attention.
Vienna: "Well you guys already forced us to televise our breakup and I dont think it's appropriate for you to force us to be on the show together again."
Harrison- "Wait a minute, who's forcing you to be here?" ZING
Vienna-"No one. I just didn't know he would be here."
Harr-"That door's open and that door's open. No one's forcing you to be here..."
Chris Harrison-1, Vienna Sausage-0
If I might just interject here...there are many things I would describe as inappropriate. I.E. slutty clothing at church, heavy PDA, dirty jokes in mixed company, etc, etc. Coming on a television show by choice that just so happens to feature your ex, which you also voluntarily went on TV to meet, is nowhere on my list of inappropriate things.
But Seriously, Jake's smug expressions right then, were revolting
Harrison-"If you're unhappy, I'll call the cab driver." Harrison-2, Vienna Sausage-0
Right then, Harrison drops a bomb. No men will be eliminated from tonight's episode. Everyone will be voting on 2 girls to be sent home. This is such a ploy to keep the drama heavy and Jake from being prematurely booted.
Vienna starts hyperventilating.
Jake-"I'll go until I die and I'm as strong as an ox." Oh, Lord.
Vienna wants to stage a protest to say it's cheating. Seriously, what planet is she from? She says the dumbest things.
"Every single person in this house is on my side."-Vienna, Doubtful since Jake is still in the house, hehe.
Michelle tells Jake that although he's safe tonight, he should go ahead and go home. If it's not this week it's next week. Yowza, who spit in her wine glass?
Kasey pulls the rug out from Gia saying Graham told him everything about her master plan to get him and Vienna eliminated. Gia starts freaking out because she thought she and Graham were friends and wants to confront him. Kasey tries to stop her, but she is an unstoppable force right now. Which is kind of ironic since I don't think she eats anything. Ever.
Graham lies and tries to cover his a$$...
Gia has a broken hawt. She decides to pack her bags because she can't be around such deceptive people. She hates sneakiness and scheming. She's also a hypocrite, because that's exactly what she's been doing since she walked in the house. I think she's just pissed because she's gets outwitted every 5 seconds.
Holly has on the shortest tutu dress I've ever seen...
Gia: "You're not going to get the satisfaction of voting me out. Kasey was supposed to guard and protect me." Is this a joke? No words...
Apparently all the girls are voting for Ella. Why does everyone kiss the photo as they drop it in the box??
Kirk and Ella are forming a bond over needing the money. Kirk has mold bills to pay, Ella has a child. He joins the smear Jackie campaign. I mean for real, who's going to say they don't need the money??
Ames doesn't want to lose his makeout buddy so he tries to strike a deal with the Kasey and Vienna. That lasts for all of 5 minutes.
Kasey and vienna change their minds based on a talk with Mike about losing Kirk if Ella gets sent home. They need to keep their "alliance" strong. They both lie straight to Jackie's face saying they'll keep her safe.
Melissa has gone bat sh*t crazy over Blake and Holly flirting, and an apparent boob graze that 5 people told her about.
Blake has dug his own grave aligning himself with a psycho.
Melissa: "When will it be my turn to have a Kasey and Vienna or Ames and Jackie?!" Probably never. And why couldn't she name drop any normal, stable relationships out there??
Jackie gets sent home. Ames is crushed. He was falling for Jackie and is upset they're being split up. Ames is wearing his pink pants again...it's really hard for me to take him seriously in those pants. And with his constant coma expressions.
He gives the most awkward wave ever to the contestants and runs after her limo and leaves with her.
Ames: "This is the happiest limo ride in Bachelor history." Probably so. Although, the Diaries of the Departed can be quite entertaining.
This whole Mask thing is dumb...I'm not amused ABC.
Until next time...
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