Dear Readers, I am going to try to perservere through this blog post and recap of last night's train wreck of an episode. Bear with me, here's hoping we have some legit writing material next time. Here's hoping...
Holy eerie music to start us off...not quite as bad as the funeral musical arrangement when Brad went to visit Shawntel, but still.
Ash loves Hong Kong, it's the city/island feel. The humidity is taking a toll on her bangs, clearly. They are permanently plastered to her forehead.
Dear Lord, here we go with the (...) Bentley talk and the "I'm trying to move on blah blah blah" nonsense. I should have checked my watch, we had to have only been 2 minutes in.
Ash looks good in her skinny jeans, stripper heels, and the signature snap front shirt. Little do we know that she will not deviate from any variation of this top for the dates this episode.
Harrison greets the guys on top of a clear glass platform that overlooks the city. The 8 of them have lived to see another stop on the Asian Adventure. I tried not to get nauseous with the glass balcony with no real enclosure overlooking the city.
And more of the Bentley talk...and how will I ever get over it!! I want to slap her. Ashley is sitting in her suite at the Conrad doing what she does best. Pining and chewing on her lips.
Knock on the door...it's Chris Harrison.
Harrison: My greatest fear is at at the end of this, there's a guy down on one knee and you're thinking, hmmm what if? Yikes, me too.
Harrison: We've reached out to Bentley and he wants to talk to you. He's in the hotel. Right now.
Ashley: "SHUT UP." And now the water works. "He's here? Is this a joke? Are you serious?"
Why do they keep rehashing the meaning of the ( ... ) I mean this has to be a huge joke!
Ashley: "I don't want to have to convince somebody to love me. I just want to know if he thinks about me." Are you sure that's not exactly what you're doing? And, my guess is no, he doesn't think about you, except to think how gullible you are.
Harrison's leaves her with a room number and tells her he's there waiting. So, Ashley's left to ponder and stew. We get a pan out and I'm wondering if anyone else noticed the GIANT banana with an apple and and orange strategically placed. This HAS to be a joke ABC...
Pan extra out to the pollution infested city...
Now we're back to the Conrad. Ash is on the move to Bent's room. She arrives and we now are treated to her TOTALLY see thru top...Ashley is looking to hear that he made a mistake and still really wants to be there. Fat. Chance.
She musters the courage to knock on his door, he asks "who is it". Please, like you don't know...
And then it gets really awkward. He opens the door slightly. She slips in and then, What? Why did they just kiss? They move to the canary yellow couch and their conversation is totally bizarre. She asked him if he comes here often?
Bentley: "I thought about calling, but that'd be too easy." He's such a douche.
Bentley: "Tell me what you've been up to. Are you having fun? I want to hear everything!" These are the conversations I would have with my mom after a first date. He is sooo weird!!!
This is too awkward to type.
Ashley: "After you left, I had a really hard time."
Bentley: "Did you have fun though?"
Ash: "No."
Again Bentley, this is not the time to have the comments that you would probably have with with your child after they get home from school and you're cutting up orange slices for a snack. She needs to exit. Immediately.
Bentley: "Selfishly, I like to hear that, because we were on the same page."
Ash: "If things are going to be done for good, then I need to know." For real. Cut the girl a break!!
Bentley: "How are we to know? I told you you could come to SLC if it didn't work out with other guys"...Seriously. He sucks.
Bentley: "It was hard for me to leave, I thought about you after, and I didn't expect it. I think you know where I'm at and where I'm coming from." Where exactly?? Seriously??
Bentley: "Now that I'm home, it doesn't look good for you and me. I would implore you to see what happens here." That's the first real thing he's ever said. But he totally deserves a kick to the nuts.
Ash: "I can't do the ... it's not fair to me. I need a period. I need you to be a man." I'm pretty sure the period comes at 12 or 13 but can't say for certain. Oh wait, we're talking about closure. YES~Finally she stands up for herself.
Ash: "If you came here for the reasons Michelle Money said, to lead me on and leave me with the ..., mission f-ing accomplished." Now she's getting feisty
Bentley: "Maybe we should call it a period."
Ashley: "You came all the way here to tell me this. You couldn't have just done this over the phone."
Bentley: "I wanted to see you."
Ashley: "Why? You should have just called." BUSTED. He was looking for an additional 2 minutes of fame that does not exist.
Ashley: "I can't believe I spent so much time wanting to be with Bentley. It was a waste of time. I needed the time away from him to see thru him." "Bentley, if you're watching this "$%&* You" FINALLY. One would think this would be the nail in coffin, but that would mean Ashley is not crazy.
Back at the house "The Fighter"-Lucas-gets the date card. Sunshine Ryan is about to crawl out of his skin to get the date card. In his yet another shade of plaid.
Lucas gets the big date.
Big Tex in downtown Hong Kong.--Peanut Gallery.
Ashley takes Lucas to the "China town" of Hong Kong, and she's wearing a Forever 21 top with tight tight white pants.
Lucas is carrying her purse. Presh.
Ash: "Don't you feel like we're in NY?"
Lucas: "I've never been to NY." "I like to go fishing with my friends." Bless him.
Ashley: "Look at the street market. People are selling things." How dumb is she? Pretty dumb because they decide to buy some pig intesting to eat.
Ashley says she loves the skyline and she's going to treat him to the best view of it. They aboard a pirate ship to see the skyline....not what I would have expected.
Ash: "When I'm on my date with Lucas, I'm not thinking about Bentley." Except to say that you're not thinking about him...
Lucas: "Three things I hope are going to happen tonight: that I get to dance with her, that I get my first kiss, and I get the rose." Love him.
Ash: "Am I the type of girl you'd date?"
Lucas: "No. Actually not. I'm just here for the boat ride." I REALLY love Odessa after that comment, haha.
Ash asks him the what's the hardest thing he's ever been through. Other than family members dying, divorce.
Lucas: "It just wasn't meant to be, and I believe it. God has a plan for me and I honestly believe that." Amen brother!!
Things are stewing at the house. Ryan and Blake are odd ones out for the one on one dates. Blake doesn't like it. He doesn't want to be lumped in the same category as Ryan...
Group date card. JP gets another one on one...spiteful sides are coming out.
Back to the pirate ship, Ashley brings Lucas over the coals to give him the rose. She asks him to accept and he says, "Yes, ma'am I will." Seriously love him.
Lucas is 2 for 3 on his list. Lucas goes back for more on number 2. Oh, oh, oh, 3 for 3.
Ash: "Lucas makes me feel like a woman. That's something I've learned that I like." As opposed to being treated like a dude? I will never understand the things she says. They make no sense...
Group Date. Dragon Racing.
Ash: Now that Bentley's in the past, because I use him in the past tense now, I can move forward with the great guys still here.
The Bobsy Twins are a team. Consty and Ben F.
Blake and Ryan are on a team. Good work ABC.
Ames and Mickey are on a team.
Ashley tells them that 2 people is not enough to get the boat going and they're going to need to recruit more people to help them.
Ryan found a local named Domino to help him while he's lost in translation. He apparently thinks talking in a British accent is helpful when asking if people speak English....I'm sure they find that endearing.
Mickey hits the jackpot when he finds a dragon boat racer who calls his friends to come out. He is all about the business of winning this race.
Ryan somehow smiles his way through conning people to help them out. I think people read his subliminal messages under the smiles. Like, I will cut you if you don't help us.
Consty and Ben are totally clueless and wander aimlessly in hopes of finding people. But quickly give up and decide to go shopping for cool outfits instead. They're hoping brawn will get them across the finish line.
Race time.
What is Ashley wearing? A topsy tail shirt and dance pants? Did her luggage get lost?
Ames: "Mickey and I are not here to be flashy, we're here for Ashley." So poetic.
Somehow Ben and Consty found some strays to help them on the boat race...
Ben: We're getting smoked...
Consty: "Like salmon, bro"
Is this dude where's my car?
Ben: "We kept saying, A Chi, which we thought meant 'eat it', but actually it meant 'idiot'" Classic.
Ames and Mickey win. They're clearly Winning.
Why is their positioning always so awkward. It's like story time. She's sitting in front of them by herself and they form a semi-circle opposite her.
Proposal on the beach in Hong Kong, like that wasn't planned.
Ash is so jealous. "I hope that's foreshadowing for what's coming for me." Doubtful given your track record.
Ashley: "I'm so over Bentley." So much so that I have to mention him again.
Boat Race Afterparty. Ash is wearing yet another "club" selection from Forever 21
Ames whisks her away. In her elevator. He wants to take their relationship to a new level.
Ash: "Have you been up here before?"
Ames: "I have..." as he leans in to attack her face. It was totally awkward and he was clearly hammered. Good for him.
They make their way up to the upper balcony to overlook the city.
Back at the house, JP gets his date card.
Ben F is wearing the most heinous yellow sweater with blue button down and red tie. He admits he's falling, and he was the biggest skeptic of everything.
Ben: "I wasn't really open when I came here. But I am now."
Ashley: "Really?!" Ashley's back to her Silicon Valley talk...
Ryan whisks her away... and the guys take the time to bash him.
Ashley: "It's not about who wins the race..." What does that even mean??
Blake: "If Ryan gets the rose, I may just pack up and go home."
Ryan, practically begs for a one on one date...and of course Ashley immediately saunters off to go get the rose.
Debbie Downer takes over the rest of the guys...Mickey's a fortune teller because he so obviously predicted this would happen.
Ryan acts coy and surprised. He's going to enjoy rubbing this one in. The guys are seriously pissed.
Ben: "It had nothing to do with me not getting the rose. It's the fact that he got the rose." Ooooo. Sorry I can't take you seriously in that gosh awful sweater.
JP's Date
Ashley is wearing leggings, heels, and yet another see through shirt that looks like it could be her dad's...
"Cheers to evolution in a relationship."
JP: "She makes me feel alive. I haven't felt this strongly about a girl in a long time." I think he should try listening to Jordin Sparks' "Tell me how am I supposed to breathe with no air" because I'm pretty sure that's a crucial part of living.
Ashley: "What do you think we'll be doing a month from now?"
JP: "I mean, probably getting down on one knee? I don't know, maybe?" Ballsy. He just got some brownie points.
Ashley: "You are so confident. Is it because you like me or just cause?"
She's so messed up. Just because you're thinking things in your head doesn't mean you need to say them out loud.
Ashley: "When's the last time you cried?" Why does she ask these dumb questions?
JP: "When my ex and I broke up." Is that code for being dumped?
Ashley thinks he's the hottest guy she's ever seen. And she's falling for him. And she decides she needs to spill the beans about Bentley.
Ash: stumbles around to break the news. "I saw Bentley two days ago in HK..."
JP: shocked face. "What? Really?"
Dramatic commercial break...so ridiculous ABC. I'm over your tricks.
Ashley: "Because I feel so strongly for JP, I want to be honest about this whole Bentley breakup." Except for that little minor detail that YOU WERE NEVER TOGETHER and you knew him for 2 weeks....
JP: "I want you to feel like you can be honest with me and that I won't judge. It didn't matter to me. The only thing that mattered was that she got the closure she needed, and we can move on." Brownie points.
JP gets the rose. He's 100% committed. He's in l.o.v.e. I don't want tonight to end, and I don't think she does either. They're on a mountain overlooking the city??
She looks like she might break out in to a flash dance with that outfit on. They are just mugging down hard core.
Cocktail Party
Ashley looks like she has flown past Forever 21 and has gone straight to Holly Madison's closet from the Girls Next Door.
The are hanging out in the most insanely HK decorated restaurant. It's got to be the Vegas floating casino of Hong Kong. I'm having trouble looking at Ashley without feeling like I want to put a cardigan over her shoulders...I mean, for reals.
The guys are struggling to keep their eyes at eye level.
Ashley starts in to her Bentley saga and how she completely fell for him in a short period of time. Ryan looks like he just swallowed a baby bird.
Mood was totally somber. Then she drops the bomb that Bentley came back, and Ryan regurges the baby bird as Blake swallows the bitter pill.
Then she spouts off some nonsense of how they made her realize what she's looking for in a man, and how what she has with them is so much greater than with anyone in the past, yada yada. When she's done, the guys all look like they want to take a hike.
Constantine calls her out for saying how she was over past relationships on their date and it was contradictory.
Odessa is straight up like, why couldn't you have done this earlier? We've been to like 3 different spots...touche
Ash is like, no yeah you're right. The hand motions start flying as she has to illustrate what she was going through since she obviously can't just spit it out. "I just had all these roadblocks that we're keeping me from being 100% with you guys"
Lucas: "This is just weird for me. I'm glad you got closure, but I mean we're putting a lot on the line too..." Yeah, like fishing with my buds and digging that oil girl...
Blake: ding ding ding on calling the BS on her PR spin tactics. "Well, it must have gone poorly. Because obviously if you had such strong feelings for him and he came back and wanted to be here, wouldn't that be a good thing? You said you were falling for him, right?"
Ashley: "Yes I was falling for him. I'm sorry if that...couldn't finish the sentence because the room was literally suffocating and there was no air in there. Lots of throat clearing, looking down, looking anywhere but at her. She senses it and is furiously chewing on her lips...
She excuses herself. Thank. God. You best collect yourself...
JP totally gets it and understands that life happens.
Ryan's like, this is my chance. I've got to brush it aside and sweep in with the classless charm.
Consty, Odessa, and Blake are FUMING, smoke coming out of the ears because they're butt hurt over her liking the douche bag.
Ames to Ashley: "I suppose that we would all prefer our fairy tales to be perfect, but that's just not real life and that's what makes it beautiful." Seriously, I think he gets all of his lines from Disney movies.
Blake: "I don't want to play second fiddle to anyone" to the guys of course. None of these guys would have the chezpah to say any of this to her face...duh
This floating casino is about to get a few dudes lighter apparently.
Hayley:At this point I'm realizing just how desperate her outfit choice really is. She's hoping the sexy dress and boobies hanging out will detract from her bad decision making and obvious selfishness. I have a feeling she's going to get the water works going soon to harness her true manipulative power
Lucas: "We had this great date, and this happens and I'm totally losing ground and I don't think we can make it up." Please don't go Odessa, we need you!!
Blake actually looks normal tonight. He asks for some time with her. She goes to sit and Blake doesn't want to sit, he wants to grill her standing. She can't get comfortable. He lets her have it, makes her cry. Then retracts. Then he's at it again, and is making all the snide comments. I mean Blake, you have a point, what she did was a total low ball move, but honestly you're getting annoying and needy and I'd rather you did just go home...
Mickey: "Honesty is a big deal to me." "I feel like he lied to us." "I don't understand what you saw in that guy...there's two guys that need to go home tonight. Just please make me one of them." YIKES!
Ashley: "You know, I'd like for you to take the initiative and leave if you need to leave."
Mickey bee lines it out of there. The guys wave him off from the giant floating restaurant and respect his decision.
Ash comes back and gives a heartfelt speech about how hard this has been. She was really excited to tell everyone that she was over the douche but it didn't come out right and she's sorry she made them feel like poo poo. She cares about each and every one of them. So much. Repeat 3 more times.
Blake's ice exterior finally starts to chip away and melt and he realizes that he would be a total dick to still come down on her after that heartfelt speech and her crying.
She leaves to make her decision on the final cut.
Side note, I was really hoping JP wasn't going to pull a chach move and tell everyone that she told him about Bentley on their date, but alas he did. I still like him, but that was a douche move.
Blake pulls his head out and realizes he was being selfish and now he's totally committed to her and wants a rose. He wants a rose almost as bad as he wants the vodka cocktails...which have been plenty this evening.
Harrison: "Wow that was tough wasn't it." Thank you Capt. Obvious.
Ashley: "Yeah, i didn't know it was going to be so bad and someone was going to leave. She crumbles. i don't know what to do, how to do this." Seriously. She's so dumb.
Harrison: "I think they feel like they're second best." She needs to read Love and Respect.
Ashley: "I wish they could just feel what I feel and that I didn't have to communicate it to them because I'm not good at it." Um, hello, thats what every woman wants but you grow up by being articulate and start communicating!!! Ughhh...
Lots of lip chewing...
Harrison: "You're in a tough spot tonight. Speak from the heart. Just be Ashley."
If we're seeing the real Ashley, he needs to tell her to be anyone but that girl...
Rose Ceremony
Ben is first.
Constantine looks like he's about to get a physical during the ceremony. He gets a rose.
Ames gets the last rose.
Blake's going home empty-handed. 'Bout time.
Blake: "Basically, I just want a friend." Try a dog. They're loyal and make good friends...
On to Taiwan. Where basically all of our American goods come from :)
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