Bachelorette Recap: Here's to Hoping I Never Have to "Witness" Any More Mental Kisses...

Dear Readers, before we begin our foray into this week's episode of the Bachelorette, I've been asked by an anonymous person who may or may not be my husband to take "blogging lessons" as he/she believes that the posts are entirely too long and contain too much "fluff" information.  I would like to ask for a poll, from you the audience, to see if you concur and I will change the style in which I post.  Please post a comment to this blog entry with either: TMI (too much information), TLI (too little information) or JTRAOI (just the right amount of information).  I promise I won't be offended, but definitely want to have your input on these Bachelorette recaps...Thanks!!

On to the recap...

The boys are making their way to Chaing Mai, apparently ABC gave free Ray Bans to the guys because they are all wearing some variation of the iconic shades.

They pull up the temple/hotel in old school limos, nice touch.  Nick keeps talking about how he wants to go to the next level with Ash, and I'm not sure if he means in the weight room or exercise routine or what.

The hotel they are staying at is by far one of the coolest/most expensive looking places I've seen.

JP lets us know that if you can't find romance in this environment you're hopeless.  Well, I'm afraid Ashley might be hopeless...just sayin'

Ashley is wearing a button down shirt with a belt as an outfit.  She takes the long route around the hotel so Harrison can prep them for what they're in for this week.

Chris congratulates them for being one of eleven.  I'm not sure how that's a compliment, but whatever.

He's back to the tacky shirt section of the closet.  This looked like it could have been corduroy, either way it was not a good shade of brown...

There's a one on one date, a group and the dreaded two on one date.  One stays and the other leaves for forever.  Now, to me this is just a verrry dramatic way of stating the obvious.  I was really hoping somebody would pull out a Sandlot forrrreeeeeevvvvvveeeeerrrr, then I might have felt their pain.

Ryan will probably punch Ashley if he doesn't get a one on one.  He feels he's totally deserving, "It's like come on", I'm thinking the dark clouds are starting to roll in on his sunshine parade.

Ben F. clinches the one on one date.

Ash shows up wearing a white mini skirt up to her navel and a hot pink tank with chunky wedges.  Naturally.  Her entire wardrobe consists of off the shoulder, drapey short dresses and minis and wedges.  Ben F is wearing a clashing coral color with shorts and loafers.  He's total Cali, wine-o.

I think she slept with hot pink rollers in her pony tail.  It was nice and curly and bouncy.  Reminds me of my younger years.

They go to an outdoor market in what are basically clubbing clothes for her, and he looks like he could be headed to church or the Frat house.  They try on clothes, Ben tries on a beanie and we are faced with the massive melon of a head he has because he can barely fit it over his hair.  I'm wondering how many people have touched and/or put that beanie on their head before he did.  Ew.

Ashley: "The more I get to know him the hotter he gets"...Really?  What is she smoking?

Ashley: "I wasn't sure if going in to this date there would be a spark where I would want to touch him all the time, but it was totally there."  Thanks for that.  Please keep your hands to yourself.  I find their spark to be totally awkward. 

They leave the market and are sitting in front of a Buddhist Temple.  Ashley pulls an Elizabeth from Jake's season...you want to kiss me?  You can't.  I want to kiss you too.  Oh, let's have a totally hot mental kiss....WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE??  I'm not sure what's worse, a mental kiss or when Elizabeth told Jake he could make out with her forehead....

Now that their chemistry is undeniable, we're treated to another awkward dinner.  Ashley is wearing the most gosh awful Capri pantsuit.  Could have been formed from my Grandma's drapes.

He's wearing a hippie see-thru linen number with baggy linen pants.  I'm confused because he totally went from frattastic to hippie flower child in about 2 hours.  He also has a leather hipster bracelet.

Ben: "A year ago I wasn't emotionally available"--what does that mean??  Oh yes, your Dad died totally makes sense because that's like every other story this season.  "I was an emotional zombie."  Well that's comforting.

Ashley: "How did you get out of it?"
Ben: "I just became a better son, brother, ya know."  How does that qualify as an answer??

Back at the house, the date card arrives for the group date and everyone's name is called except for Ben C and William.  They get the dreaded two on one.  Someone is going home for forever. 

Ashley wants to know what it would be like to date Ben outside of the show, would we take care of the winery, would we travel?
Ben: "Travel would be a big part of the relationship.  It'd be all about her." Way to sign yourself up for failure there Ben.  It's never about one person in a relationship, and how will you ever have time to travel when you have a vineyard to take care of?!  Why do these people think relationships are about traveling and being spoiled?! 

Ashley of course says in her confession time: "That's exactly what I wanted to hear from Ben.

During a pause in dinner, In come some female dancers who are probably 12.  They surround them while they kiss and there's a dude breathing fire??  So bizarre

And now we have Bachelorette Knockout 2011, AKA the group date.

Ames is hoping it's fighting for love and not with fists.  That strikes a better chord with him.  He's about to get wailed on by fists.

Ashley: "Look at my pink gloves aren't they cute?"

They find out they will be Muay Thai boxing, and the guys are moderately excited.

Lucas tells us he has been in street fights, so he's definitely able to go head to head in combat.  Please...

Ames has never been in a fight.  Here's hopin they don't aim for his mouth because he has a million dollar smile, literally.

The guys start out with the training, lots of shirtless pushups and crunches while a young Thai boy sits on their bakc and punches them in the stomach. 

Ashley is of course trouncing around in her sports bra top and spandex capris.  I think her motto is the least amount of clothing as possible for a majority of this season...

Blake: "spandex was made for people like her" I can't argue with that, but doesn't make it right.

The guys move on to the punching bags and you can tell Ames is struggling to throw punches at anything, even inanimate objects.  Ashley's walking by and he decides to go ahead and try to kick the bag and totally wipes out.  I lol'ed.

Ashley surprises them with boxing outfits for each of them.  There's every color of the rainbow, including hot pink.  I'll give you one guess who gets stuck with hot pink and was excited about.

They pile up in a van and head to an open arena in the middle of the town square.  The guys are starting to get worried because they know they are about to go head to head in front of a bunch of people.

I'm worried for Ames...

Lucas vs Blake.  Lots of kicking and face shots.  Blake laid in to him and won.  I guess Lucas's Street Fighter days were a figment of his imagination.

JP vs Mickey.  No crying in Muay Thai.  Mickey was taking crotch shots and seemed to be dominating.  JP channels his inner warrier and reverses and wails on him. 

JP: "The Jew from Long Island took out the Irish man from Cleveland"

Ames needs to turn back the notches on the spray tan machine.  He literally is tangerine colored. 

Ames vs Ryan.  Ames always looks for any other way than fighting.  Ryan sunshine shows his true colors and takes straight up face shots.  One particularly aggressive move was to the side of Ames' head, which clearly rung his bell.  So wrong, because he could barely defend himself.

Ames comes back and is clearly shaken up but trying to play it cool.  Finally, when he looks like he's entering the twilight zone they call an EMT and get him to the hospital.

Nick vs Constantine.  The PT wailed on ole Consty but he lost his victory when Ashley was clearly sidetracked by the Ames dilemma. 

Cocktail Party.  What in the heck is she wearing?!?!  Honestly?  No words...

Ashley: "I had no idea it was going to be a bloody fight"...really?  How dumb are you??

Plaid with pearl snaps seems to be the memo tonight...some pull this off better than others.

Later on at the cocktail party, we learn that Ames was not totally defenseless, Ryan took some licks too.  Although, I found his concern for Ames to be totally fake.

Ashley is running around telling how she feels bad for picking a boxing match for a date, and Mickey is like, yeah it was hard for some of the guys, like Ames.  He's never been punched before. (Yikes)

I'm glad no one said, yeah that was a totally brill date idea, Ash.  I mean seriously, she is dumb.

Ames comes back.  Ryan is glad so he won't get sued.

Ames head isn't working.  He can't talk, blah.  He says the doctor's told him he was in love and also had a mild concussion...what??

Ash, gives Ames a good old fashioned handshake and basically says glad you're back but see ya later...

Back at the house, Will is boozin hard core in dread of the "thunderdome date."  He becomes more douche-like as this season wears on.

Back to the cocktail party.  Ames is seriously comic relief  The expressions on his face are hilarious.  He is seriously up in the clouds and needs to go to bed.  But here, have some champagne?

Blake is wearing white dress shoes...yikes.  He decides the method he should take is self-depracating to see how she feels about him.  So annoying.  "Love is a marathon not a sprint."  Blake babbles on about whether or not she's even attracted to him...

Lucas is a golfer, surprise.  Ashley's like let's pretend, you get behind me and show me how to swing.  He's totally going to get a banana in his pants.

Bentley gets brought up again.  Lucas pegged him as her type.  Good Lord.

Odessa is scoring some points in my book...

Ashley goes back to the crowd to get the rose.  She heads back over to Blake (did she just tell him to hang out under the cabana for an hour while she talked to other dudes?!).  He obviously gets the rose because the squeaky wheel gets the grease.  He needs a bigger shirt.

Ryan looks like he raided a 12 year old's closet.  The bright blue/green plaid and chinos are awful.  I'm so sick of him.

"Thunderdome Time"

Ashley's finally wearing some semi-normal clothes for their elephant experience.

Willy is super confident going in to this, which can only mean trouble.  Ben C is hoping to write a symphony in her honor.

The guys are paddling Ashley down the river on Huckleberry Finn's wooden raft.

Ash: "This is perfact".  She is seriously irritating when she talks like a valley girl.

Yeah, so I think the guys are supposedly guiding the boat, except for that poor 11 year old in the water guiding who is actually steering the boat while William pretends to be doing something with his life.

Willy is super annoying.  He says he can be everything at any time.  Whatever that means.  As we find out, he is totally Regina George on this date.

Will practically throws Ben C off the picnic blanket and is blatantly rude.  He demands some one on one time with Ashley.  He begins to plant ideas in her head about how Ben's not here for the right reasons, he can't wait to go home and get on Match.com.  Great plug for the dating service, but c'mon...

Will: "I'm not trying to throw him under the bus or anything"--I'm pretty sure that's exactly what you're doing.
Will, how about you use your time to get to know her and not gossip?

Ashley eats it with a spoon and calls it quits on the two on one and says bye to Ben immediately.  Ben says it was a betrayal because when he said it to the group it was a joke...oh drama

Ben looks like he's going to blow a gasket.  His love bubble has burst and the 11 year old Thai boy is paddling him home.

Ashley has a saucy number on for dinner with the 12 year old man.  Waste.  Ash is hoping the sparks start flying again with Will since their first date was the most amazing date ever.

Ash hasn't decided whether or not he's getting the rose.  Not looking good.

Ash brings up what William said a few weeks ago about being the thirty year old boy.  Now would be the time for him to clarify and say that's not in fact what he meant.  Instead, he's like "oh yeah, I can't believe your remembered that.  I still want to act like a little kid for like forever.  I'm looking for someone to have fun with."  Coffin sealed.

Ash: "I keep looking to find that feeling again with William and I don't think it's ever going to come again.  Spark is gone."  Yikes.  "I'm looking for a man".   She sends him home, rose-less.

Will: "I'm the world's biggest jackass."  At least you're honest

Will: "I leave here I leave here with nothing."  Please don't commit suicide.  You need Jesus. 

Will: "I'm just going to slip back in to that dark hole.  Lay in bed  with the covers over my head and not wake up"  OMG Will...get on some Prozac immediately. 

Ash is all insecure again.  "I don't know if this is going to work for me now."  Good lord.  Between her and William, the dramatics are going to kill me.

Rose Ceremony

And yet another classic example of What Not to Wear, her rose ceremony outfit.  Glittery bow belt?  Are you six?

She starts spouting off some nonsense about being true to how you feel and who you are and it literally made no sense and all the dudes were like, I don't know how to take that...

Ryan: "This all comes down to Ashley and how she's feeling"  "The first night was a rocket ship."  He's so desperate.  Why does he always have to say "keep moving forward" like 200 hundred times? 

Ash: "I feel really good about where we are in our relationship right now."  And where is that exactly??
What's her hair doing?

Consty told her that he didnt feel for her as much as some of the others initially.  Consty also tells her feels closer to the dudes than to her.  Then later he tells the guys he's not sure he wants to bring her home to meet his parents because he's not sure if she is the one.  How is this guy going to get a rose?!

JP time.  Ash: "Do you think u can see a future with us?  Like ordering Chinese." 
JP: "I feel like that's what we're doing now."  Is he saying that because they're in Thailand?!  NOT CHINA~

Oh gosh the Bentley talk has come back again now that she's feeling strongly for JP...she runs off to deal with her emotions.

Harrison comes in for the save.  Ash is a straight up a hot mess

Harrison: "What is on your mind?"  Bentley, duh. Spit it out already Ash...

Ashley skirts around the issue for about 5 minutes.  Then is like, "I have to tell you something, but I know you won't approve..."  This is seriously like the time I had to confess I got my belly button pierced to my parents.  Except she's a grown woman, or should be anyway...

Harrison is disappointed.  She can't spit it out because she knows it's totally dumb...Harrison is like dude you're totally not being fair to the other dudes.  You have your foot in one pool and your other foot in another. 

Harrison: "This is not the way to do it, it's not going to work." AMEN

She is getting more frustrating by the minute.  She is so full of crap.  "I just want to make sure that there's nothing there so I can move forward fully with the other guys."  Really?  Really??  So basically if the huge tool you have a crush on decides to dump you for good you'll quit clinging?  Doubtful, but maybe the (...) will finally be a period.

Hare: "How do we kill this?"  Um, find a new Bachelorette?

Ash: "I just wanna talk to him.  Ask him a few simple questions."  How in the world is that going to help?

Harrison's going to pull some strings.

Okay, now get your head out of your you-know-where and go downstairs and take care if business. She is seriously messed up.  I hope you do leave there alone.  I think I'm now rooting against her.

Ashley: "I promise I'll be nothing but honest with you guys."--Except you just told Harr you're lying to them and feel like a cheater?

I thought for sure Constantine was getting the boot but he was #1 pick.  So typical of our Bachelorette's judgment.

Now it's down to Ryan or nick?

Ryan sunshine gets it.  Ugh, another week of his obnoxious "charm."  Nick seemed to have legitimate feelings for her.  That's where he went wrong.  Apparently, you need to pull her hair and tell her you don't like her for her to be in to you.

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