Ashley and the remaining 6 bachelors are continuing their East Asia tour with a stop in Taiwan/Taipei.
The first date card goes to Constantine, or as I fondly call him "Consty" but it really should be Constant-ly boring...
They're going to be taking a speed train, which is Ashley lets us know is the opposite of their relationship...
Ash isn't wearing a bra with her see thru number.
Ash asks him if he's ready to find love on the train, he seems like he's more into the scenery than her as they're sitting facing each other and he keeps making stupid comments about the scenery and how it's like they're going back in time or something.
They arrive to a marketplace where they will be decorating a lantern of love to release to the skies to make their wish come true. Not likely.
I think Ash may have some Asian in her, she does the accent really well. Consty is really in to the painting of the lantern of love. Not gonna lie, the one side with the face painting creeped me out. I don't think the love god's going to like it...
Cut back to the house. Did Ames get a hair cut or a hair tease? The disheveled look is working for him, although something always looks off in his facial expressions.
Ben gets the next date. Ryan swallowed a bitter pill. He's looking a little crazy...
Back to Constant-ly bored, Ashley's asking him about his family. Consty has a crazy family apparently, wouldn't have guessed that. He asks what she likes about him, she likes that he's not "obvious" whatever that means, translation: he doesn't seem that in to her, and that's what she likes.
He remembers everything she says. Creepy. He starts talking about how the home town dates are kind of a big deal.
Ashley: "Do you think this will work for you?"
Consty: "If I fall in love..." well duh.
Consty says he's ready to take the plunge, cue love lantern soaring, and dramatic music building. Then all of a sudden a whole bunch of love lanterns spring up out of the darkness. Nice work ABC. They knew just one poorly painted lantern was not going to be enough for these two...
I think he's Melba toast. But Ashley thinks he's perfact. I guess that's all that matters...
Ben's Date
Ben and Ash do the pretzel and are super awkward. They play with each other like 5th graders learning how to flirt. Finally, their moped for one has arrived.
Ben: "ugh Harry and Lloyd!" love it.
Ben: "we're going places" so poetic. But not if you don't keep your eyes on the road instead of cheesing the passenger.
Ben says this is straight out of a fairytale. I don't know one straight guy that says something like this...oh wait, it's practically every dude on this show...
They makeout on the bridge, I cringe because all I hear is stirring macaroni. Things feel 'right' apparently.
Back at the house. Ryan can't sleep at night...oh geez. This guy is a skitzoid and a half. He frightens me.
Ryan gets the one on one. Finally, maybe he'll shut up about it.
Back to Harry and Lloyd. Ben: "I'm falling in love with Ashley, but im not ready to tell her." That means he's going to tell her in precisely five minutes.
She's wearing a bubble tutu skirt. And a side pony. And a lime tank. Is this 1990??
Ash wants to know if she'll be liked and accepted by Ben's family. I see terrible earrings. He's basically telling her he loves her, she's tearing up.
Bens barriers are down. Ash says she feels like he's her boyfriend. IMO, I'm not sure if barriers ever existed with these two. They act like 2 horny teenagers every time they're around each other.
Ben spends the night and the guys are pissed!!!! Especially JP, they all wanna know if they did the dirty. Inapprop. His shacking outfit was absolutely disgusting so I can't imagine him scoring if he wore that. But what do I know?
Group Date: JP, Lucas, and Ames
Apparently Taipei is known for it's weddings...so they're taking wedding photos. Ridiculous blank statement Ashley...
Question from the peanut gallery who prefers to remain anonymous: "Is Ames still a little brain damaged?? Touché. That's what's "off" about him!!!
Lucas is wearing a kimono. Poor guy. He's not happy about it either. But Ames's got it worse...
JP: "Ames looks like the offspring of an ostrich and Elton John" add a little Lloyd Christmas in there and you have it to a T.
Lucas vents about JP the whiner and now that he has the James Bond suit and they look like idiots he's suddenly in better spirits...
Lucas and Ashley's date pic was terrible. Her hair looked aw-ful. Seriously. And the dress was equally tragic. Lucas is giving his best-worst fake smile because he's miserable. Ashley thinks since he's from the South and rather conservative this would be a good fit for him. Newsflash: this isn't a good fit for anyone!! Not to mention their frigid postures in the pics...
Until they start making out...Photogs in the background: "oooh smokin" I'm officially creeped out. And JP has taken a turn for the worse.
Next up is Ames and Ashley in a pretty white blossom tree. Although the suit at first glance is terrible, it actually worked quite well for the set up. We're treated to a very awkward, brain damaged make out. You can imagine how romantic that might be.
JP scored the traditional outfit and picture. Yet the scenery was totally weird.
But JP looks like he swallowed an egg...he just can't fake it and smile. He's got too much on his mind.
Ames: "This doesn't look like it's goin to well." Well he's not totally mental
Ash: "You guys hungry?"
Ames: "Not really." Bah. That was funny.
Ash has got the pinky out with the cocktails, so priss in her green dress. This is actually a cute outfit. Finally!!
Lucas: "I felt like an idiot sitting over there in a dress..."
Ashley: "It wasn't a dress, it was a long shirt." Nice save. Not
Ash wants to know if it's going to be weird For Lucas's family bringing someone home after being married/divorced. Lucas says no that was a long time ago and they just want him to be happy. Hello? Not everyone hangs on to their baggage for years and years and years!!!
Lucas soars, and of course takes her for a nice slow dance.
JP may be shooting himself in the foot with his moodiness. But as we all know, in Ashley world he gets rewarded.
Back at the house, Ryan after he gets his date card: "I'm pumped, I'm bursting inside." OMG...
Ames decides to bust out the old photos in his alone time with Ashley and we see the landslide eyeballs started early in life.
Ames is rocking the pink pants and Ash in the classic dress, total J Crew ad.
JP takes another route in his alone time and is moaning about watching her on dates with other dudes. At least he's being honest about being a chach. This is such a repeat of Ashley and Brad...they are the same person. Hello? This.is.what.you.signed.up.for.
She nervously chews her lip...walks off. To get the rose of course...
Their photos are already on the wall??
Ames and Lucas feel helpless and defeated
Ash loves the squeaky wheel so JP gets the rose.
Ryan's Date.
Ash must have lost her undergarments in transition to Taipei.
Ryan's heart is beating out of his chest, as he reminds us every five minutes. I wish it were literal because then he would be dead. Nice short-sleeved linen shirt...are you 50?
They go to a temple, of course Ryan loves it-finds it romantic?
Ryan: "I'm so ready to focus my life on one person." Yikes, Ashley is not Jesus. Recipe for creepy, obsessive, disaster.
Somehow they get handed these rocks that are for the love god or something. If they land on the opposite sides, you're a match. Same side=doom. So what do we think happened here? They land on the same side. Of course Ryan takes it super serious and promises to pray 10,000 prayers of reversal.
They go watch Tai Chi in this garden. I found it totally odd, but they just sit there on the steps, Ashley looking totally bored. She asks him if he knows anything about Tai Chi. Ryan, "I don't know anything about Tai Chi to be honest", but let me sit here and BS and tell you everything I think I know about it right quick...people like this seriously annoy me.
Things just got real awkward. Ash isn't sure she's feeling the sunshine and roses anymore in his presense. Long silence. Then they decide to go walk around?
She's got the edginess side out that means no rose...
Ryan: "Look at the birds, okay I have a loaded question: what do you do for the environment."
Ashley: "I hate it. I throw away plastic bottles and people break up with me."
Ash: "Teach me something"
Ryan: "Okay! Let's talk about water heaters..." Bored and officially tuned out. Forunately there's an Ashley voice-over with her inner thoughts at this moment.
Ash wonders why she doesn't feel the passion. Me: Because he's a crazy psycho, desp-er-ate...
He's telling how excited he is for her to meet his family. Yada yada. His eyes are bugging out. His mind is spinning out of control...she drops the bomb. He looks like a puppy that got punched. She cries. He's like wait, you dont want to meet my family?? Really? Nope, not in the least.
Ashley: "Maybe I made the wrong choice because he does really like me..." Um, that sounds like the worst reason to base decisions off of. How insecure are you?
Ryan: "I'm shocked. I don't want to be alone."
Me: You're not, you have a Kabbalah bracelet.
The meltdown is coming. Wheels are comin off. Did he run to the bushes to barf? Take a dump? What are these grunts?? He's got cotton mouth...uh oh
Ryan: "I wanna. I wanna find someo... Ughhhh oh man." Can't finish the sentence the sentence to save his life. Aw &$@?
Literally. He tried. Twice.
Great job ABC making him catch a cab in front of the giant heart in the bushes...so sad.
Rose Ceremony
Ash looks like she shopped in the prom section or borrowed her dress from Jasmine in a peach color.
Harrison has got some crazy spiked hair. Not in to his suit/tie combo. It's a little fratty the overall look...
Ash wants to forego the cocktail party. She's set in her decision. She's pushed through and found clarity. PTL.
Lucas is hoping to have a chance to talk with her, as he's on the chopping block. Shot down.
Ames looks like he got slapped with a wet fish when he hears the news.
Ames: "The situation is pretty grave."
Yikes, JP is all chatty and know it all again. Like he really knows what she's thinking...
Ash looks like she's 6 months along. Is that what all the flowy shirts/dresses are about??
Ash: "It gets huge next week, we're involving other people, your families" oh.em.gee. the dramatics are killing me...
Consty gets called first
Ben next
Ames or Lucas??
Lucas to Ames: "Good luck buddy"
AMES!!
He obviously lost some lbs because his suit was pinned in the back. Anyone else see that?
Odessa gets the boot. Still calls her sweetheart. Gentleman to the end...He doesn't want to stay to hear the rejection lines. He took the gut shot, and left with class. He's just looking for someone to have breakfast with y'all!!
Ash: "Saying goodbye to Lucas was so hard, I just wonder if I made the right choice. I just didn't know there was going to be this much pressure." She's a basket case. Get Harrison, some water, maybe a paper bag, and some Prozac...and a therapist. Stat.
Now the Emily/Brad drama.
She's walking up and already crying. She looks gorgeous as always.
Emily to Harrison: "I thought we'd be planning a wedding next time I saw you." She's super emotional being back at the house, the memories, etc.
Harrison: "What was it about brad?"
Emily: "He's such a gentleman, beyond the looks, he's good at expressing how he feels" Really, cause I thought he had anger management issues?
Harrison: "Where does your relationship stand?"
Emily: "Not engaged anymore, always going to be a huge part of her life." So obviously not together at all...
She just brought up "dot dot dot." Good Lord. Do these people not realize that this is the most absurd concept ever??
Emily: "I'll always love brad, I'll never say Anything bad about him" True class.
Harrison: "So, what happened ATFR?"
Emily: "Oh you know, we were so happy to be engaged, going to get an apartment, but red flags came up: my want for it to work out overshadowed the reality. We're both used to being single. I need to know the person I'm moving for is still want to be with me 6 weeks from now much less 6 years from now. Amen. I didn't have that reassurance." yada yada yada which basically tells us nothing...
Emily: "I wanted it so bad. I feel like a failure. I just had such high expectations" Maybe this is why it crashed and burned...
Best part of the whole thing. Apparently the Papparazzi were hounding her like white on rice.
Emily: "How do you explain that to a 5 year old that doesn't know what The Bachelor is? I tried telling her that they mistook me for Taylor Swift but she didn't believe me." bahaha
I want to focus on being a mom. This attention brings out the worst in people. Amen.
Apparently Brad gave his 'blessing' but decided not to show because he's a huge idiot that will probably be single for life.
No comments:
Post a Comment