Bachelorette Recap: Hometown Dates

Thanks for your patience :)

We start this episode with a nice 10 minute rehash of what happened last week, and we begin this week with Ashley in her "hometown" of Pennsylvania doing normal things like drinking coffee and getting the mail in her spandex. Which was surprisingly light given her months long tour of Asia...

And now Ash treats us to a trip down memory lane with all the dudes...

Her and Ben have a very real connection-As opposed to a fake one.  There's a real difference there people.

Consty is one of her faves.  He has a sweet side.

Ames is Mr. Unique.  He's so humble and wears neon colored watches.

JP is JP

She leaves the yappy dog who I'm surprised is still alive given her absence, and hops in a cab to make her way to the dirty South.

Consty in Cummings, GA

Cutest part about this whole thing was the mama duck and babies, amiright?

Consty is more excited than he's ever been...that's not really saying much.

What is she wearing?  She looks like Stevie nicks.  The blazer? Leggings? All the black? I mean for real?!

He talks like an 18 year old and dresses like one too.  Nice hooded sweatshirt.  Are you going to show her how to do an ollie on a skateboard later?

At least he's actually talking now.  He lets us know he's totally open and the walls are down, which equals word vomit.

Constantine (a restauranteur):  Can you cook?
Ashley: I can make a mean PB&J...she's dumb

They go to the family restaurant to make some pizza and a salad.  Apparently he looks "really sexy here."  This might be the cheesiest thing I've ever seen.  And he just grabbed a handful cheese.  Barf

Consty lets us  know that things are clicking for him.  What does that mean?  Well, things are just clicking, things are happening, we're on the same page.  So many cliches used, so little time.

They leave the restaurant and head to meet his family.  He has his own sign on the house...and balloons.  Wow.  Welcome.Home.

He gets the brows from dad or grandpa whoever he is.  Oh, it's Dad, thanks for clearing that up ABC.

Dimitri says his son looks happy.  He's an expert at reading emotions.

They sit down for dinner and there's like 3 full hens on the table?  Are they expecting 10 more people?!  I have never seen so much food.

Papa D made out well in the hot younger wife department.  Sister Maria is real pretty too.

Mama G thinks they need more time. Ash gets grilled about relocating.  Mom wants to know how she's going to enhance her son's life.  Weird Question.

Papa D talks like he's fresh off the boat, Consty is straight southern, this is interesting.  I was hoping he would pull out some Windex or give us a Greek translation of any American word, but I was disappointed.

Papa D is concerned about rushing and says it takes time for things to develop, like with him and Mama G.

Hold the phone: the family dog is wearing a dress with bows...

Ash says she is moving in.  Bold.

And here comes the extended fam...that's who the hens are for I assume?  This just turned in to my Big Fat Greek Wedding. 

Everyone's dancing for granny.  Papa D is making it rain dollar bills...I mean there's like 30 people there.

Papa D mumbles something in Greek or Italian.  Translation:wants love forever with his son and Ash.  Bold.

Ames hometown Chadd's Ford, PA

He totally runs like a queen.  And his pants are about to fall down.

Ames has the bouffant in full effect.

Huge foreheads obviously run in the family, although the tangerine skin color does not...His spray tan is 8 shades darker than the rest of the family.

"Ames looks quite taken"-mom.  She also mentions he looks "healthy" which means he dropped about 10 lbs because his clothes no longer fit...

Serena the sister needs to get to the bottom of things- "What are your feelings." 
Ash: "Our relationship is moving slowly, but I see things in him I'm really drawn too."
Serena: "He's an onion.  He has many layers." I'm sorry, the last time I heard this reference was in Shrek...

Don't feel confident on those answers at all...

Ames is a mama's boy.  He wouldn't make any life decisions without her approval.  Ames has had two dads die of cancer...that's incredibly tragic!  Why are we just now hearing about this?

Serena: "It's hard to find a flaw with Ames."  Ummm, he's human and by nature incredibly sinful...shouldn't be that hard.
Serena: "I'm not sure if she has the same spark that he has."  Me either, S, me either. 

Ames's Mom: "The worlds your oyster."  "You're two intelligent adults."  Does this spell success or something??

Side note: Is she a psychologist?  They use big words in this family...

Ash looks lost in the Ames home-town tornado.  Lip chewing, overwhelmed.

Ames has the best facial expressions when he's listening.  I mean, you'd think he's slow.  But then he starts talking and he's a philosopher from another century...

Ames has thought up a romantic surprise for her.  He's going to take her to his favorite tree...

Ames is the designated picnic guy, he always picnics.  Under the magnolia trees.

Ames starts talking about being bullied as a kid and how he wasn't that smart, then he got sent to Boarding School and it's been all ivy league from there.
Ashley's epiphany: "We have the same brain."  Shout out to my sis :)
For real nerd alert. 

Ames: "So much more magic in the ordinary"...so ridiculous.  Time is standin still under mag tree, and of course we get the cinematography.  And here comes the horse drawn carriage..."story book romance" my @$$

Ben's date in Sonoma

She's real happy to see him.  "Everything screams sexy about him."-Ash,  What am I missing?  Honestly.

Lots of wine tasting to take place. And I'm sure stirring macaroni...

According to Ben, it's a really big deal to meet his mom, and sister.

They are very boring and repetitive in their conversation.  He says 'super' a lot.

He's only brought one other girl home.  He's a serial short term dater.  But the emo Ben has come out in the ABC process of love. Super

Motto of the night: If you're not in with Bens women you're not in with him.  Off to Mom's.  Don't screw it up Ash...He looks a lot like his mom with dark features.

They ask Ashley what drew her to Ben and of course she mentions the shaggy hair.  She obviously digs it since 2 of them are practically shaggy haired twins.

His hair is "his thing"..."See mom" (she doesn't dig the hair)-Julia the sister.

It comes out that Jules signed him up for the show, but she's uber protective of Benny boy.

Julia is super ser.  All of the time.

Then Ash sits down with his mom and the kid pics come out...Mom didn't let him have long hair when she still in control.  (Her words)

Ben and Jules take this time to discuss the happenings.  He says he has no problem proposing if things keep progressing as they have.  Jules seems cautious.  I mean, you signed him up for the show you had to think this was a legitimate possibility!!

Ben sits down with his Mom.  He makes amends for being a bad son for all these years since Dad died.  He and Jules just want to have what mom and dad had.  She is stoic.  I would have cried if my son had expressed such feelings to me.  And with the Dad's birthday being tomorrow?!  Ben cries, but mom doesn't?  This is strange.

I just wanted to give him a hug while he's talking about his dad...

JP date- Roslyn, NY (long island?)

It's a really pretty park where they meet.  It was supposed to rain that day, so he planned a silly date inside.  He surprises her by taking her to the roller rink he used to frequent in 7th grade.  I mean, it looked like it was still in decent shape, but it probably still had asbestos growing all up in there...

Of course Ash can rollerblade.  And ice skate.  And dance.  Triple threat people.  Watch out.

JP says something's missing.  The ambiance.  Some greasy DJ out of camera site cues the lights and 70s power ballads start jamming.

They're back in 7th grade just macking down on the rink.

JP wipes out.  Pretty funny.

Paper cups and wine.  In a skating rink.  Keeping it classy.

JP, as we come to find out, is the most seasoned Bachelor (aka old balls), but he hasn't brought many women home. So like 4.  I mean in Bachelorette world, are you supposed to have like 10 people meet your parents for you to sound legitimate?!  I mean, c'mon...

He brings up the ex GF again.  She caused him to doubt always.
Ash: "Are you pretty certain about us?" Yes, he doesn't want to be without her. He's not going to leave with regrets if his heart gets broken. Blah, blah, blah

They arrive to the house he grew up in, a 33 year old house.  And it looks it.

Ash senses lots of positive energy.  Whatever that means.

Ash meets the fam, and then they sit down for a nice Italian dinner.
Ash: "The more carbs the better"  She makes me sick.

Brosef is worried he's going to get hurt again, he brings up the ex and how JP was totally wrecked after that relationship.

Ilene is worried, JP wears his heart on his sleeve.  Mom thinks she's terrific, but as a mother she's guarded. 
"I don't want to see you get your heart broken like it was before."  OMG, does the Ghost of Ex past live here?!

Mom asks if he's in love.  "All signs point to yes"...he's uber confident in their connection.  Ilene is worried about the proposal sitch.  "Shes bubbly, she's warm."  But she ain't Jewish...I mean I'm worried your heart will be broken...

Ilene comes in to grill Ashley.  "He looks at you with love in his eyes.  He has one person to think about, you have 3. How do you pick people?"  That's a valid question, which Ashley skirted well.

JP is super confident, can't worry about the consequences, just layin' it all in the line.

Ash in response to Ilene's question: "I use my gut to make decisions.  But I also use my head too as I've learned in these situations."  What?!

Ilene: "You're so sweet"
Ash: "No you're so sweet."  Barf.

"Today was perfact."-Ash

And just when we thought things were getting a little dull, Mom brought out the Barmitzvah poster.  It.was.awesome.  Kirk Cameron meets Dougie Houser
Ash: "That's a sweet mullet"

She's loving the flowy tops with belts and skin tight pants.  Every single outfit this episode...

Cocktail party-black mini dress with long sleeves.  Typical, and with no back besides lace and a visible black bra, keepin' it classy.

I took the liberty of FF'ing through the Harrison talk, because it was clips of everything I just watched seconds ago.  They obviously have nothing to discuss, other than the clashing striped tie and collared shirt combo.  Seriously. Where is Chris's wardrobe lady...

Bachelor pad premiere is coming up and we get to see some early scenes.  The Jake and Vienna train wreck in all it's glory.  Can't wait.  And Jake, while I agree I would love to see Vienna fall from a 100-story building, I always would like to see you fall as well. 

Rose Ceremony

Ash: "I came looking for a good man.  A family man."

Ben chopped some of the locks.  Now we can actually tell him and Constantine apart.

Ben gets rose one.

JP gets rose two.

Final rose: Constantine

Ames looks like a lost puppy.  He might need shock therapy to show some different facial expressions

The black mini could have been much more flattering, but I think she had one too many helpings of lasagna at JP's house...

Ames: "I'm composed all the time, but right now, ugh"- he says all these nice things, she doesn't even flinch.  They shake hands?  She walks him to the limo like it was no big deal.  Cold hearted woman right there.

The magic in the ordinary was not working obviously.

Ames fell in love, she did not.

Now we're left with the Bobsy twins and JP.  They're headed to Fiji.  Apparently there's going to be some JP drama, and I'm banking on Ames making the surprise return.

I really can't wait to see Ashley and her sister have it out next week.  I've been needing some excitement.

Until next time...