Fiji-South Pacific
Ash: "Fiji's the ultimate place to fall in love, get engaged, and find my true love", I thought she said identical things about Thailand, and every other place visited?
Ash lets us know she is stronger now, and has a good handle on what she wants in a guy. Which is why she has two paper copies of the same person...
We're back to the stripper wedges, skimpy see thru tank, and mini ruffled skirt...her favs when it comes to beaches.
We're now treated to a trip down memory lane, which is basically verbatim to last week's trip...
Sparks flew at the orphanage with Ben and his kiddy art. Never a dull moment with him. He's goofy silly, but also sincere and honest.
Consty- had her eye on him from the get-go. Super physically attractive. Smart, thoughtful and attractive. Slow but meaningful, lots of depth. She loves his fam. She talked about his looks once a sentence...I think she likes him for the right reasons...
JP-thinks he's gorgeous, a model. Loves his smile. Sincere, grown man. After the first date, she knew it was going to get pretty serious. They have this super emotional connection. Basically they need to get a room already.
This week is so impor-ant because she gets to slumber party with the guys.
She's writing in her green leaf diary...at least it wasn't Hello Kitty or something.
One last hair fluff before she's about to go meet Ben. Pause. Knocking at the door...is it Ben?
Commercial Break. This is a nail biter.
Eery music. Rain. Awkward duck feet walking in flip flops. Finally the camera pans up and it's none other than Ryan the creeper. He's backkkk. Ahhh. He's such a stalker. Just when you think someone's gone for good. Not on this show. If only we could cue some "100 Ways to Leave a Game Show" and see him catapulted out of Fiji. No such luck.
He's hoping for a magical moment. That maybe she made a mistake? He has to see her one more time, to see if she feels the same way. What messed up fairytale does this guy live in? Seriously?
Ryan: "We were doing tai chi, it was so spiritual, but then it was not romantic and not conducive to romance. I didn't feel like we got to see things through." I'm sorry, what? This guy lives in a fantasy world.
He's staying around, gave her his room number. No need to respond, but I'll be around if you want to come see me. This is so prideless.
Ben's date
White long skirt and bikini top? Totally appropriate and normal.
She's looking forward to his good, positive energy. What's with all this energy talk??
Ben: "The embrace of seeing her was awesome." Really?
What's with the 2-button orange tee and plaid shorts. Navy boat shoes?? Who dresses these people?
Ash: "I love boats and being on the water. I want to go see upstairs"
Ben: "And I want to go see upstairs."
Ash: "Perfact, match made in heaven."
Ash has got her arm whipping around talking about being nervous talking to his mom. Seriously, she was just a couple light sabers/orange vest short from landing a 747 with these arm motions.
Ben: "She did like you."
Ash: "Really? Are you sure?" You'd think his mom was Helena Cassadine from the way they talk about her. Shout out to GH!
Ben: "Yes, my mom was really open to things and embracing it."
Ben talks about finding himself. And a girl.
Terrible swimsuit. It's so LA...I really cannot figure out his fashion sense whatsoever. Sometimes he dresses like he's from the 1400s and others he's like totally hipster...
I feel like I'm watching porn with the sunscreen application. It's like we're on a honeymoon and we repeat everything the other says. Thanks for all your hard work, no thank you for all your hard work...They are seriously the most obnoxious two people in a relationship.
According to Ben, they're snorkeling all the world has to offer. I'm not too sure about that. What about the GBR Ben??
On to dinner.Wtf is his outfit. It not only doesn't match, its totally weird. From the tapered snug khakis, deep V long-sleeve see thru rolled up shirt. Tucked in? It's not only painful to look at, it required about 10 adjectives to describe...
He's beaming. On cloud nine. His haircut is awful. I'm sorry, I'm having trouble distinguishing how excited you are, because you pretty much have the same even keel temperament and facial expressions 24-7.
She looks washed up. Was the makeup optional tonight? Her dress is interesting. Looks like a swimsuit coverup...I'm guessing they got tanked on their boat ride and she woke up late...
Ash: "I don't understand what else has to happen? Do we just continue?" Umm, what??
Ben: "Someone has to commit and say I want to spend the rest of my life with you." "I'm committed. I feel like I'm on my way to the 'I love you' thing." Why can't he just man-up and say it for crying out loud??
Ash: "Im hoping tonight Ben will show me how he feels." Oh geez, the innuendo begins. They barely get the fantasy suite card read thru before they high-tail it out of there.
Ben says he's not going to tell her he loves her tonight. She just knows by looking in my eyes. False. We always need the words Ben...
They straddle each other in the pool. Stirring macaroni. Finally, he's carrying her out of the pool in his arms, serious music. Off to the bedroom.
Constantine's Date
Ash is wearing a drawstring belly shirt. Of course see thru. And nonexistent shorts.
Hiii Constantine, in the most annoying 6 year old voice ever.
Constantine: "I have a euro mullet, I want to get it cut so bad" you said it, not me.
She has a surprise, it's a helicopter. He is so excited. Has he not seen this show? He's never been in one before. She's surprised. Why?? I'm just wondering why it's the first one we've seen...
His navy shorts didn't math his navy keds. Shame
Ashley: "I have a Greek god to my left and crystal blue waters below me" Really?
He is laughing hysterically at how cool it all is. Seriously, I think his maturity level is at about 18 or 19.
Ryan is bursting inside. He's just been waiting around kicking rocks for 3 days. He's probably read 8 books on solar energy. He's hanging out on a beach and in caves by himself, just waiting. This is so weird..
Back to Consty and Ash. They're jumping off the water falls yada yada leap of faith and parallel to their relationship. He's like a 12 year old with how excited he gets about this stuff. I think he lives for the adventure and that's about it.
Did they fast forward or do they just swim that fast and intensely...
He's the most guarded. She's hoping he opens up, lip chewing. They're sitting on a picnic blanket and the bubble of fun is about to get burst for good ole Consty.
She wants to know something that has directly to do with their relationship. She asks how many houses he looked at before he bought one. He replies 108!!! He apparently wanted a lot in a house, it's a big investment, he wanted a man cave...
Let me just interject here...did he ask you to move in? Then how in the world does that question have "directly to do with your relationship" which is practically nonexistent??
Constantine: "Houses and women are not the same." For real? They're not?
Ashley: "You take time and put forth a lot of effort. We don't have that here." I'm sorry, in what universe are these bad qualities??
She's giving him chances. I think he's all about the fun factor, not the love factor. Papa Dimitri prepped him well for this in telling him to take his time and no need to rush. He's going to be a boy forever.
On to dinner. Skin tight mini dress with scoop neck? Check
I feel like we're not progressing at the rate that we should be. Cheers to more time. This is making little to no sense to me already. Somehow Ben gets brought up with their wine tasting...
Ash:"Is it weird that you and your friend are dating the same girl?"
Hayley: "Is it WEIRD that you're dating two twins??"
Consty: "Nah not really. I mean if you two loved each other I wouldn't keep you a part." Not the right thing to say to a girl you're dating and should be 'fighting for'
Ash: "I feel like you don't want to hold my hand." That's not needy at all.
Consty: "I do things like kissing and holding hands instinctively, but I haven't been able to with you." Ouch.
Ash: "Is it because it's me or the process?" Probably you but like he's going to admit it...
Consty: "I know that I would want to have that conversation with your dad asking for your hand in marriage. I have too much respect for my family and your family not too. But, Im not there yet. I know what the fantasy suite means and what it implies. I knew if I got to this point and wasn't in love with you I wouldn't accept the date card. I respect you too much as a person to make this any harder than it has to be." Ouch. Home girl just got served.
We interrupt this Bachelorette episode for this important announcement: Our country is going down the crapper...
Obama lets us know the Repubs are trying to take the country to the poor house, while he's got the best, bi-partisan approach for all Americans.
John Boehner ladies and gentleman. Speaker of the whole house. Boehner talks about how the President's seemingly good ideas are basically better served as late night comedy relief on Jay Leno. I know this is serious, but I could not stop laughing. PS chris Harrison needs to take wardrobe notes from the speaker of the whole house.
Obama apparently wants a blank check and the Republicans lost their pens to write one?
It's really sad that it has come to this...but for real, can we get back to the show?
Speaking of the crapper, back to a date going down the crapper...
Constantine: "If we're honest, this is the end of the road for me." Shazam. Walks off to pack his bags.
Ash goes ahead and opens the card. Is she going to go hit up Ryan now? Nope, she's just going to sulk off to her room and wallow in self-pity.
Ash: "This is a two way street. Someone could be not feeling it and leave. What if I don't find anybody?"
The next morning, now that Consty's gone, she knows what she has to do. Face Ryan.
Ash: "Ryan's been patiently waiting. So many things I love about him, he's attractive, successful, positive energy..."
Ryan's heart is going out of his chest. Surprise. He is such a cheeseball. Drives me bananas. Nails on a chalk board.
Ash starts in on all the things she "loves" about him. He's soaring with all the positive affirmation...then the BUT comes and his face literally frumps and frowns. The bitter, crazy person on the edge starts to come out again.
Ryan: "It's like geez you know? Am I ever going to find it?" I really cannot handle it if they're setting him up to be the Bachelor next season. I will die. Alas, Ryan gets kicked off the island for a second time. Hope ABC forked over the money for him to get Fiji, otherwise that's a double whammy.
JP date
Yet another half top with a bikini top underneath and booty shorts.
They're taking a hover craft to a private island. This is reminiscent of Brad and Emily...
Ash: "We're just sailing through the air. It's perfact."
We have our own island...she's jumping around like a school girl. Then she frames his face with her hands and says this is a post card.
Ash: "It's like the world has ended, and we're just here together." Seriously, this is so painful.
JP "My dad said you'd be a welcome addition." Really? I thought he was a mute...
JP: "I want it to be over, I want it to be me."
Ash: "We have this passion. I feel like it's really special and could last a lifetime." She can't pry herself off of him for more than 2 seconds. They wade out in to the water and straddle each other and make out for approximately 2 hours while the poor plane operator just has to sit there and watch...
On to dinner: She can't even sit her "dress" is so short. Is it a dress or a black nighty??
She starts talking about how Consty left and it was "mutual" and then Ryan came back for a second chance...yada yada. I couldn't stop staring at the leaf he has on his head.
Ash: "I dont want you to be so hung up on my other relationship that it ruins things between us." That's like asking JP to stop breathing.
JP: "I'm not worried about that. But I don't want to say things until the moment is right since there is another guy here." Yeah, I'm sure you're not worried.
Ash: "I get that, but you're not going to get where you need to be by holding back."
JP "I want to be the last guy standing, not to win, but because I want you." Hopefully that will fill her insecurity cup enough for another week...
Ash pulls out the date card. He has a smug little face.
JP: "Yeah I'm in to that"
Ash: "Let's get out of here."
Ash: "It's like our home..." Actually, this is nothing like a home at all....it's a tree house!!!
She decides to go "change clothes" and she changes out of a negligee in to a see thru business shirt and black panties. I'm pretty sure clothes is a loose term for her, as in she doesn't like to wear any...
They don't even go swimming, it's straight to business and the camera guy took a little too long to back his way out of the room in my opinion...
Chat with Harrison
Ben is perfect for her on paper. Her and JP have this thing with beaches. Their relationship progresses...whatever that means.
CH: "Was it harder to say bye to Constantine or Ryan?"
Ash: "Ryan" Well yeah, because Constantine basically said bye to you, and Ryan just can't take a hint to save his life.
CH: "We're having a rose ceremony. Why?" Thank you!! Totally unnecessary.
Ash: "Because I want them to choose me too." Oh Lord, the insecurity cup has sprung a leak and needs refilling.
She walks over to the golden frames looking like a disco ball. Consty's portrait goes face down...
Ash: "I'm ready to be engaged, but are they?"
Nice bright pink shirt Harr. That's like, I'm expecting a girl pink...or Pepto pink...
JPs sandals are terrible. And so are Ben's khaki colored sneakers. Were they not expecting full camera shots?
Her ring is huge.
Ash: "As soon as they both accepted, hope came over me."
Cue not shown footage of her and Ben totally wasted on the boat...No wonder she didn't wear make up to dinner. And I'm sorry, but what is so funny about toes??
Once again, I can't wait for sister showdown next week with Kat Von D and Ashley. Until then, peace and positive energy.
You're hysterical.
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