Dear Readers,
This.is.painful. I would like you all to know and appreciate the fact that I'm only watching this for your entertainment. It really is brutal. Especially when ABC stretches it out to 3 hours worth of material. Heaven help me. The only thing noteworthy about this season is going to be Michael's one-liners and boyish charm, and any scene where Graham is shirtless.
Hour 2 of 3. Since I missed 1? Yes, you read that correctly. I did not have the Pad set up to record so I missed hour uno of tres. I'm told I didn't miss much, other than Vienna crying every 5 seconds and Kasey saying he was going to protect her an obnoxious amount of times...
I begin with Jake wanting to make amends with Vienna and fearing for his life because Kasey wants to fight him. Oh Lord. Pavelka must have taken some acting lessons because he is so dramatic.
Gia is being her typically annoying, with little (if anything) to contribute, self.
Jake and Kasey have an aside. Jake wants to let him know that he supports Kasey and Vienna and he can see that they make each other happy. Jake just wants them to be happy y'all.
Kasey follows that up with telling America he's a really good person, which is obvious by his taste in women.
Jake: "You take her side and that's the kind of guy she needs."
Harrison shows up to the party to let them know that tomorrow is their first challenge and they will need to choose a partner of the opposite sex.
Michelle is desperate for a partner. Her wheels are spinning as she's strategizing. She picks Ames? How does that scream strategy??
Blake is willing to try it out with Melissa because she's so in to him.
Kirk made a drunken decision to partner with Erika. Bahaha and Ew.
Ames is on the mend from Ashley with Jackie? They were all cuddled up on the bed outside talking about taking picnics and other stupid stuff they want to do together when they get back to NY.
Next morning. Challenge Day. They walk outside to see an apparatus over some queen sized beds with pillows. Lots of thoughts are crossing their minds...
"It's a sex challenge" -Michael S.
"I mean I hate being the one who says it but come on there's beds and pillows..."-Michael
What is Harrison wearing?? Old man cardigan and suede jacket that's baby poop colored? It can't be that cold outside. Everyone else is wearing swimsuits...
The name of the game: Let's hook up. Because they like to keep it classy on the pad.
"Kasey and I are literally in the best shapes of our lives right now." "We've been working our butts off."-Vienna. I didn't know more than one shape was possible.
"The strongest part of my body is my laigs."-Vienna. Yes, that's spelled wrong on purpose, because that's how she talks.
Jake doesn't want Vienna and kasey to win. It.will.not.happen.
"What if someone gets an erection?" William the putz would say that.
We see that the guys are strapped in to harnesses around the waist and hanging in the air. The girls are to hold on to them, in mid-air, for as long as possible. Last one hanging wins.
Harrison: "Jake is sleeping through this." Giggles. Holly follows that up with something derogatory about how she can see what Vienna was talking about now.
Gia and Will are so annoying. She whines and whines because William can't hold her up.
"I'm so tiny but he couldn't hold on to me."-Gia
"I didn't 'win' but I 'won' if you know what I mean." Will referring to having Gia as a partner. I think it's now clear that Will has not been past second base, based on that comment.
Holly lets go: "I would rather be drinking." Classy. P.S. Her brown hair is really ugly.
Of course it comes down to Jake and Jackie and Vienna and Kasey as the final 2 couples battling it out.
Jake goes on and on about how he must beat Kasey and Vienna and how he is imagining that he's holding Jackie over a 3,000 foot cliff and letting her go would mean her death. Someone get this guy a soap opera acting gig.
Vienna and Kasey are having issues. His legs are turning purple. She's slipping. Finally she lets go and is totally pissed because Kasey didn't "protect" her. I'm thinking that would have entailed having something amputated, and girl you're just not worth it.
Of course Jake wins immunity, because it wouldn't be a show without him and Vienna.
Vienna and Kasey are fighting like high schoolers in the hot tub.
"My heads not in the game because you're not here for me. Stop being mean to me"-Vienna. Everything about her is disgusting. Kasey needs to protect himself if you know what I mean...who knows where she's been.
Ames is a little bummed because Jackie now has a romantic date with Jake. Jake and romance in the same sentence is ludicrous.
Harrison lets them know they will have a 3rd rose to give out to someone of their choice. Everyone makes a huge deal about how critical it is.
Meanwhile, Kasey the mastermind has formed his final four crew. Him, Vienna, Michelle, and Graham. Seems completely random to me. Are they trying to be like Big Brother here?!
Justin is the swinger vote. Kasey thinks he's totally unpredictable, but decides to cling to the motto of keeping friends close and enemies closer.
Justin reluctantly joins their alliance, but doesn't see what's in it for him. So he goes to the outsiders to try and stir the pot. He makes the mistake of telling Alli that Graham is going to "work on her" to get her to join their alliance.
Alli, in her drunken stupor, storms off because she doesn't want to be worked over by Graham. Except for that small detail that Alli is a lush and has a crush on Graham. The minute she starts talking to him she gets all doey-eyed and decides to rat out Justin instead. The waters quickly muddy and Justin's plan backfires. Big surprise.
Back to boring-ville with Jake and Jackie. They're out on the town in Hollywood. All this sudden there's this poor dreadful girl who was "starstruck" by Pavelka and is crying.
"Jake's definitely a celebrity"-Jackie. Oh, please...He sicks me out
Jake and Jackie see that their names are on the billboard at the Hollywood theatre and they are in awe for a few moments. Jackie geeks out, Pavelka graces us with this one: "It's one of those, how did I get here moments"-Jake
"Well you go on the bachelor twice and you're still single"-Matt :) I love him.
Jackie starts probing about the Jake and Vienna drama.
"Vienna was a really controversial character, but i fell hard for her. When it was airing we started having issues. She sold the breakup story for money."-Jake.
Back at the house, Vienna's giving Michelle an earful about Jake's fake and famewhoring ways. Jake may be a famewhore, but you're just a wh*re.
Back to Jake and Jackie: He can't get over the fact that they're over. Jake needs to have a final conversation with her for closure...I'm thinking he's realized nobody gives a rats about him outside of the Vienna drama. He would totally get back together with her just to get his name/face on People again.
Jake wants to give the rose to Vienna as a peace offering?? I think we're past that point after your televised assault on her.
Why are Jackie/Jake cuddling? This is weird...
"Jackies lettin me take the lead with the rose, and it's making it difficult for me because I have such a big decision to make."-Jake
Jake decides it's a good idea to walk around and tell everyone about his brilliant plan.
Gia-"Are you that dumb? It's not smart and it's not strategic" That's the first intelligent thing she's said.
Who's pink sneakers are those in the background?? Heinous
Then they start throwing around all these cliche phrases about how this is not a good idea. "You're playing chess without the queen right now."-Gia...I don't even know what to say about that.
In a surprising twist (sike) Jake gives Vienna the rose.
Wah wah wah Gia didn't get the rose. She's hawtbroken and wonders why he didn't protect her. Seriously, these girls need to snap out of it and grow a pair.
Jake uses this opportunity to pull Vienna and Kasey aside for his chance at redemption. He apologizes for all the dick moves he pulled. Vienna and Kasey say nothing the whole time.
After, Vienna says it was torture listening to him apologize and she's disgusted by him. She thinks he's a phony monster. No lie. She said that.
Vienna to Kasey: "You are my everything. I love you. I want to marry you and have your babies." I seriously just threw up a little bit in my mouth.
Jake thinks his apology worked perfectly and he sees a friendship forming between the 3 of them. Yikes.
Vienna gets naked in bed with Kasey. I'm hoping he's guarding and protecting his family jewels because she is straight up nasty.
Later, Gia is trying to plead her case with Kasey by pretending she has power and getting him to not vote her out. Vienna pops up to see what they could possibly be discussing. I was hoping there would be a cat fight, but no such luck.
"I don't know if she's trying to mind plow me"-Kasey. Did these people graduate from high school??
The spin moves go to edge Alli out to keep Gia in.
Vienna is a manipulative bia.
"This game is horrible"-Michael. Thank you Michael.
I'll spare you the next 45 minutes where they all stand around and circles and talk about who should be voted out. Props to Blake for a valient effort in trying to get Kasey eliminated. On to the rose ceremony.
What the heck is Erika wearing?? And why is she Magda?? Seriously...what is this girl smoking??
Jake and Jackie will be handing out roses as Harrison calls out names.
Seriously what is up with Erika's voice?
Jake to Ella, "we've done this before haven't we?" What a douche
Justin leaves like the absolute spare that he is. He refuses to shake anyone's hand or hug it out. He steals Pavelka's rose and says " 'm leaving here with a rose one way or another." Good riddance.
Michael: "That did not go well." I heart him.
Alli was shocked and sad to leave.
The mask crashed the bachelor pad??
Looks like this season is going to be a lot about the meaningless hook ups and money grubbing.
