We begin this exciting epi and we're not even 5 minutes in and the Bentley saga is being resurfaced with a vengeance. Lord help me through the next 2 hours...
Ash and Harrison go back to the mansion to relive the memories and talk about the season's highlights:
Tim the drunk. Still hilarious.
The mask. "He was actually quite useful."-Ashley, referring to him cleaning the house in his mask and boxers...
The awkward William date, which Harrison says was the best date in Bach history?? C'mon...for real?
Ryan the lost puppy who gets sent home.
"Bentos the mess maker." Shout out to 1905 S. 16th St. AKA Bentley. Harrison: "How do we get everybody to understand?" Ashley: "Well I never saw the side that everyone else saw." Poor excuse in my book. Regardless if you didn't see the trashy side of Bentley on camera, he was still a total tool...
Ashley: "It hurts me that people can be so negative." Get used to it. You're on "reality TV" for crying out loud.
Commercial break. Back to the studio audience and our host. All I can look at and wonder is what the heck are those paper lantern lights in the background? Whoever styled this room at IKEA should be fired. Now on to more of the season's highlights and unseen date footage...
JP is technology challenged. He can't get a DVD to play without breaking everything.
Ben and Nick are terrible dancers.
"Mickey the wine goddess."
More footage with the dog who pisses the love lantern. Harrison: "He doesn't even break stride."
A platter of crickets and larvae with Ames...surprisingly he has tried them on his many forays to Thailand and the Far East.
Tai chi with Ryan. He seriously had the most ridiculous look on his face while they were "practicing" Tai Chi. Ash gets a foot cramp and ruins the mood. Ryan tries to be the hero and look at her foot and she's totally not in to it.
Finally someone caught on to the strategic placement of the banana, apple and orange in her hotel room. At least the ABC crew has a sense of humor in all of this nonsense.
Vaseline on the night stand?! She coats her face with Vaseline before bed?? This chick is weird...
And now, the Bachelor Pad preview. This show is a joke...I mean literally, a complete waste of time. And what's sad, is that I'm totally going to get sucked in to watching it...good thing Kasey came to guard and protect all of our hearts. Michelle and Justin came too for who knows what purpose...
Back to Our Host who welcomes the men back.
Chris: "Tim you got a little schnockered."
Tim admits his fault and laughs that he strategically gets placed next to the mask. What was up with mask's hair?! Did he get a toupee and a relaxer?? He looks less than amused to be there and stays silent for the entire episode.
William the menace. I'm bored. He doesn't need any more attention.
Mickey's taken on the role of being the point maker. Give me a break...
Constantine is calling Will out on the poofy hair and his drama. I didn't really get what that was all about it and why he felt it important to mention.
Ryan admits he may have been a little over excited. And he's still over-excited as he admits to being over-excited.
Lucas nick-named him the camp counselor. I've missed him.
Nick the trainer has gotten some low lights and has some scores to settle...he is by far the most obnoxious person who had very little to contribute to the season. Why are you opening your mouth now? No.one.cares. Oh, he's out of his chair now getting excited about the mask?
William steps up to the hot seat. Now we're treated to re-watching the infamous roast and subsequent meltdown. Oh my gosh, his suicidal departure. Um yeah you should be embarrassed...
Nick. Confrontation again. Someone upped his steroid intake before coming back to the show...
Nick to William: Just clear this up for us. Who did you hope the Bacheloretter was going to be. Ashley? Why were you really here?
William: Well, why are we all here? Because we can't get a girl and we're all still single.
Touche
Now Mr Sunshine's turn in the hot seat.. "I feel something in her..." that might be one of the most awkward comments of the night.
The water heater shpeal...
He's getting a little sweaty. We see him dab his forehead with his suit in the PIP.
Ryan: "Who wouldn't tune out? I'm talking about water heaters for gosh sakes" True.Story.
Blake is such a douche, he decides it's his turn to pipe in and question why he fell so hard so quickly when they were both given the same amount of time.
Poor Ryan and his formulas and laws of attraction. He's read several books on how to talk to girls to get them to marry you...poor guy. All the guys have a conniption about this revelation. It's really not that big of a deal except for the fact that he is totally creepy and stalker-ish.
Ames's turn in the hot seat. Good thing Ames brought his orange watch. He seems to have found more natural shades of spray tan, but is still rather Ken-doll colored.
We take a look at his time on the show. He definitely lost some coma/brain damage pounds. His sport jacket was about to burst open when he first got there and had to be pinned by the time it was all over. Why are all the ladies cheering?! Get a grip audience.
Ames is the most eloquent of the dim wits, which is not really saying much.
Harrison: "You found something out about yourself that's probably hard for you to admit, you kinda suck at boxing."
Ames: "Point taken"
Harrison prizes him with a pair of hot pink boxing gloves and says he gets a freebie at Ryan. Gosh I wish I could watch that go down.
Now the real resurfacing of the Bentley drama. Harrison opens it up to the guys to weigh in on since he wasn't there to defend himself.
Tim's opinion is ridiculous. You were around for what, 5 hours and you were plastered that whole time...
"It's a terrible display of humanity"
Harrison invites Michelle up to give her presence purpose. She's missing half her shirt again.
Michelle, the Ashley informant: "We want what we can't have."
Harr: "Its like telling a kid he can't have chocolate." So many great cliches to explain the idiocy of our Bachelorette.
Ole What's-His-Face gets his 15 seconds of fame telling Bentley to go "f" himself. Classy. There's a reason we have no idea who you are.
Harrison invites Ashley to join us.
Ash is missing half her dress, which she probably ordered out of a Wet Seal catalogue. She's back to the dark hair again...
She pans the guys to tell them how great they all look. She stumbles upon Tim, and she cries out to him.
Tim: "Hi it's nice to meet you." That was funny.
To further delve in to the utter ridiculouseness of this season, Harrison brings out 3 total spares from previous seasons...
Seriously. DeAnna. Jason. And Ali?? Biggest waste of time.
Ali contributes her contractually obligated 2 cents and gives a shout out to Rated-R who's in the audience.
DeAnna is ridiculous. Everything she says and does makes my skin crawl.
Jason and Ash bond over the criticism in the media. Give me a break...like this guy deserves any validation for his life choices. Same for Ashley.
Ashley closes us saying she's feeling the best she's ever felt in her life.
More bloopers:
Guys running in spandex. Not hot
Chris Harrison forgetting to zip...still not worth the 2 hours I just wasted.
Here's to hoping for the "Most Dramatic Bachelorette Finale Ever."
