Episode 2 Highlights: We start out this episode with a preview of what's to come. This includes covering up Bentley's dirty mouth because clearly whatever comes out of it is not suitable for children. We get a glimpse of the dates to come, and then we dive right in.
Chris Harrison comes in to the living area where the guys are seated to explain the dates this week and what to expect because no, we're not on Season 100 and have no idea what to expect from this show. Ashley thinks she's lucky because she has the best looking guys this season. I'm thinking she needs to get her eyes checked.
William gets the first date card.
Ash comes to pick him up in her convertible, and he thinks they will be driving to Vegas. However, in a surprising twist, they're going in a private jet! William says this kind of thing only happens in the movies...I'm wondering where he's been the past 20 seasons because this is like taking the bus on ABC. At least they've given the helicopters a rest.
They arrive in Vegas and immediately start shopping around in what appear to "wedding" stores. Ashley lets us know she has a test in store for William. They try cakes, look at rings (which he will never be able to afford on his cellphone sales salary) and even head to a chapel to presumably tie the knot.
This might be one of the more ridiculous stunts I've seen on this shoe. I mean, c'mon! Are we really supposed to believe they're going to get married in Vegas?! Anyway, Willy plays along like a champ, and finally Ashley pulls the plug, because this could be like legally binding...Side note, I'm pretty sure a marriage license is what makes it legally binding...
They both agree this is the best date ever. This sounds like deja vu, except before there was Brad and a creepy carnival in the middle of a wooded area...
Next, Ashley changes in to an emerald table cloth looking dress and reveals they will be having dinner in the Bellagio fountain pool.
Ashley wants to see William's serious side because she knows he's totally funny. William opens up about his Dad's death and being an alcoholic. They totally bond on the dead beat Dad front, and Ashley gives him a rose, and of course the fountains are right on cue and the water show begins.
Back at the house, the group date card arrives and almost everyone's on there except JP and Mickey.
The boys all fly out to Vegas to meet Ashley and she shows up in what looks to be a Mary Ann costume found in the trashy section of a Halloween store. The boys follow her in to a theatre where there America's Best Dance Crew will be performing. While they're practicing and the guys are distracted, Ashley slips away to put on her sports bra and dance pants to join the show. We expect to see some moves from her when she arises from "the heavens" as one dude put it, but no she basically just stands there and poses and the guys are in awe. The guys find out they will be split in to two groups and choreographing a dance to win a date with Ashley.
Bentley is all about the competition and making himself look even more and more like a tool everytime he opens his mouth.
The groups decide to theme their dances for a rose ceremony and for a marriage proposal. Both were bad choices, but the group that had Ashley in their dance so they could grind on her ended up winning. The other team was sent back home. Hope you enjoyed your 2 hours in Vegas.
The group that wins learns a routine to be performed in the sold out show that night along with Ashley. For the big performance, the guys basically do the robot in reflective black light clothing, and Ashley dances around in her underwear. In ABC fashion, they have a rooftop party afterward.
Notable one on one times:
West: tells Ashley minimal details of his wife's death and fabricates an epilepsy condition to win her sympathy
David: Ash is worried since they're both Type A if they will get along. David says twice the personality, twice the perfection. Um, okay? Doesn't sound competitive and performance driven at all...
Bentley: He decides to pull her aside to pretend to be needy and insecure. Ashley eats it with a spoon and practically begs him like a dog to stay. He also casually mentions he has about zero interest in her other than his competitive nature, but he wouldn't mind if she tickled his pickle. Seriously? Who is this guy? Could they not have found someone with more charisma and better acting skills?
Bentley gets the rose.
Back at the house, a date card arrives with a coin and JP and Mickey's name on it. They must flip a coin to decide who gets to go on this date. (This is very telling of the amount of effort going in to this whole season. Can't she just pick one?)
Mickey wins the flip and heads out to Vegas for his date. Ashley goes on and on about how hot she thinks Mickey is and how great he dresses. I'm wondering if I need my eyes checked?! His hair is out of control
They decide to flip a coin to make every single decision that night. It got old after the second time, but we were treated to another 15 minutes of it. They pick out a wine, have dinner in the aquarium. Mickey opens up later about his mother and how she has passed away. What is it with the sob stories this season?! Then she tells him whether or not he gets a rose is left up to a flip. He starts to sweat a little bit, but fortune falls in his favor. Ashley says she would have given it to him no matter what.
They go out to the "beach" to hear a private performance from Colbie Caillat. I'm guessing she has an album coming out soon and has no problem shamelessly promoting herself. Mickey says this is the best date ever and hopes it's his last first date.
On to the cocktail party. One of the genius bachelors informs us that this is getting real and guys are going home. Cause that wasn't the case last week?!
JP steals her quickly to ensure he gets some time with her and to voice his frustration in losing the coin toss. He brings a coin of his own along to flip for her kiss. Don't know if he actually won the toss or not, but he went for it!
Ashley lets us know she was really happy to kiss JP, my sweet husband piped in to add that she's happy to kiss anything!! Or straddle anything for that matter...
Will is inside doing awful impersonations again, and many of the guys, especially West, are starting to take offense.
Meanwhile, Nick the beefcake with dark roots and soul patch is trying to teach Ashley some pretzel moves when Willy comes in to steal her (when he already has a rose!) This gets Nick and the other guys to rally against him and Nick gives him the uber clever nickname of Ding Dong. Poor guy, he's used to having to flex his arm muscles rather than his brain muscles.
Zorro is creepin' upstairs plotting his big reveal moment. He decides the best place for this is in the nook of the staircase. He starts in on his very dry recount of his brain hemmorhage and tragic divorce, and he's about to pull off the mask, when Matt steps up to steal Ashley. He's left to sit and sulk
Ben with the romance of 25 men finally gets time with Ashley and explains how he had to fight 1,000 Trojans to get time with her. I'm wondering if this chach was born in the wrong century...
Then Bentley the bully talks about how he'd like to swim in pee or something. I was half listening because he's so dull and un-entertaining. However, he was sitting with the other safety rosers and learns he's the only one that hasn't kissed her. He sees this as a disadvantage and plans how he'll ram his tongue down her throat immediately. No lie. He finds her alone and picks her up like a baby to set her in his lap and tells her he doesn't feel like talking. They start making out and it was one of the least passionate, awkward, kisses I've seen in a while. But Ashley dug it. She talked about how sincere she finds him, I gagged.
Rose Ceremony. Sent Packing are: Hair, Matt and Ryan. Matt calls Gail to ask for some french toast to soothe his broken heart. Ryan says life isn't fair. Actually I think it is fair, because do you really want to spend the rest of your life with that basket case?!
Episode 3:
Let me preface that this show is getting entirely painful to watch. From Harrison's zip-up cardigan, to Ashley's whinyness and douchiness that is Bentley...it's hard for me to stomach these 2 hours. I feel like we've got the B-team Bachelorette and the B-team ABC cast and crew...
Ben gets the one on one date. He voiced his annoyance that he didn't get picked for the dancing date, so naturally this lines up this next date. Because I think we're going to be treated to Ashley dancing in some form or fashion EVERY episode. I'd rather have a cavity filled.
They head to a dance studio where Ashley teaches Ben one of her choreographed dances. Hip hop. It was quite awkward watching them learn this routine with no music and no context. Later, they go to a very public outdoor mall for a picnic. Odd. Ben is already uncomfortable because people are just walking by and snapping pictures of them the whole time. Then, Ashley tells him she wants to get up and do their dance. He adamantly is against this and gets really flustered, then the light bulb goes on and he remembers where he is and he whispers, I'll do anything for you.
They get up and start dancing, then the Popping Bottles song starts playing and we are treated to a flash mob she planned and the whole crowd joins in. Afterward, they talk about how fun that was and then there's a camera pan to the right where there's none other than the Far East Movement. Side note, I had no idea they were an Asian band, but now I totally get it. Anyway, how many live performances are they trying to pack in this season? Geez...Everyone huddles up to listen and Ben takes position behind Ashley to Bump and Grind on her. It was awkward. Ashley talks about how great a dancer Ben is...
Then they have dinner on the rooftop, per usual. Ashley would ask Ben a question then he would have word vomit for the next 5 minutes about wanting to live in a bubble and how he idealizes love and wants his future wife to believe they love each other more than anyone else on the planet, yada yada. Oh, and how he obsesses over how to write text messages, do I put an emoticon or do I not put an emoticon? Seriously??? I'm thinking this is the biggest crock of bull I've ever heard and they both need Jesus. Ashley obviously eats this with a spoon, and this is reason number 1,579 that she is still single. Ben gets a rose. Guys, when Ashley loves, she loves hard. Whatever that means...
Next, we get a camera shot of Zorro brooding on the balcony. She's heading over to pick up the guys for the group date and he decides he wants to remove his mask when she gets there.
She arrives and he takes her out by the pool and mumbles on about physical appearance what not and finally pulls the thing off. You could tell that Jeff was expecting love in her eyes, and instead she looked like a deer in the headlights with slight disappointment. She later says she wasn't expecting him to look so old...
The guys head out to a limo and she tells them they're going to a comedy club for a roast. She asks who the funniest guy in the house is and someone nominates William. He tries to look shocked, but you can tell his ego just spiked about 10 notches. Ashley is wearing some awkward button-down number that is literally unbuttoned to her navel. Classy.
They get to the comedy club and learn they will be roasting Ashley. William decides this is his time to shine since he wants to be a comedian and all and this is his career building opportunity, screw the girl. The other guys are obviously worried about fulfilling the mission but not making an ass out of themselves and Ashley. Good luck.
Will says he's in his element. Jeff lets us know there's some "gutsy humor" behind the mask. Whatever that means.
I'm wondering in what universe these guys are considered funny?!
Ryan P. is up first and flops. Hard. He should stick to saving the world with sunshine and love.
Blake the dentist had the best lineup! He roasted all of the guys and said nothing about Ashley, but his schtick was actually funny.
Then it was Zorro's unemployed brother, Jeff. He was awkward and made some weird gesture of picking up pennies off the floor and relating them to her boobs being small. It didn't quite work.
Nick the trainer gets up and again targets her boobs, saying she might be the first girl he's dated that he has a bigger chest than. I'm thinking this applies to most girls, because he's probably a B-cup.
Bentley should have just stayed seated...he was terrible and not funny.
Will took the roasting to the extreme and basically tore her self-esteem to shreds. He blatantly said he was hoping for Chantel or Emily but instead they got stuck with Ashley, who gives an s-word about her...then a man boo-ed and yelled too soon from the audience. And that was the only redeeming quality. I'm pretty sure his future in comedy died right along with his chances for Ashley in that 2 minutes. And worse, he was oddly not apologetic in the moments after. He reallllly likes to throw around the f-bomb. He should be really embarrassed.
Ashley runs off to cry about her insecurities. Bentley sees her and comes to the rescue. He goes in to console her and also says in his candid time that he can't stand when girls cry because it makes them ugly. But he manages to get out that Ashley is totally awesome and pretty and a great dancer and has a great butt. Just what I want to hear when I need cheering up, and Ashley feels totally better.
They go up for more roof time and Ashley lets everyone know that the roasting hit some sensitive areas, and made her feel insecure. (Um, I realize Willy is an idiot, but you did sign up to be roasted...)
Will asks to speak with her and he's at a loss for words for his stupidity. He gets dramatic and says he just needs to leave because there's nothing he can say or do to make up for what he did. Ashley was just looking for an apology?! But Will runs off to go sit on a park bench and contemplate life. He later decides to return and no one really addresses it...awkward.
Ryan P asks for some one on one time to tell Ashley how great and amazing she is. He says it literally five times and Ashley starts to come back from the brink of severe depression. In my opinion, she should have called it a night to clear her head. She was clearly messed up. But instead, she takes some swigs of her liquid courage and smooches Ryan.
Jeff takes some time to tell her about his 3-legged dog he adopted that was abused...seriously? This is what you use your one on one time for??
Bentley asks for some one on one time to clench his victory. Ashley, since she's already feeling vulnerable, decides to bring up the texts she received from an "anonymous" person that we all figured out weeks ago. And this is when we start to lose all respect for Ashley because she literally believes everything that comes out of his mouth and acts like a coy 6 year old whenever she's around him. She must feel like an idiot watching herself now.
They come back to the group and Ashley gives the rose to Ryan. Bentley is pissed and decides he's going to call it quits. He's going to do something really dramatic, he's going to make her cry. Hate to break it to you, but thats pretty much every five minutes for this girl...
JP gets the next date card.
The next day Ashley is walking around the backyard barefoot talking about how she'd like to run off to SLC with Bentley and how he's her guy, the one she sees in the end. Yada yada with her infatuation and set up for her downfall.
Meanwhile, Bentley is packing up his bags to go home because he's over it and fabricates a story about how he misses his daughter and wants to go home. Father of the year people, father of the year. That poor kid. First her dad leaves to promote his career, then he pimps her out on TV for ratings...she'll be on drugs by 13.
Jeff is flabbergasted and wants to know why he's leaving when it's obvious she likes him the most?!
Bentley hopes he makes her cry and that his hair looks good in the process. Priorities of course.
The dodge minivan pulls up to pick him up with a creepy hooded driver. They arrive at Ashley's and he knocks on the door to drop the bombshell. I really wish I could just gloss over this whole part of the episode because he's really not worth the dirt on my shoe, but that's kind of the point of this blog. To talk about this train wreck.
He walks in and he's oddly looking around at her house like he wants a tour or something. He comes in and wants to know if she gets to watch TV and stuff. I'm either thinking that he smoked a whole bunch of pot before he came and talked to her, OR, he used to smoke a bunch of pot and therefore has no brain cells left...either way, his laugh and personality is like Beavis from Beavis and Butt Head.
He starts in about how he really misses his daughter and can't stand the thought of her asking for him and him not being there. Which is a bunch of crap, because if Ashley was Emily this would be a non-issue. Ashley starts crying and he starts wiping her face and hair. I was getting really uncomf. He tries to get her to sit in his lap, and she fortunately opts to just scoot over a couple feet...she's devestated of course and they talk in circles. Finally it's like he needs to just get up and go, spare us please. But of course he picks her up and she straddles him, then he starts exposing his dirty, sick nasty thoughts. He asks if he can call her?! Like seriously, you are one messed up dude. Then says, I don't want this to be the end. Let's just leave it at dot dot dot instead of a period. WHO SAYS THAT? An arrogant douche thats who.
Anyway, Bentley finally leaves and Ashley runs off to crawl in to her bed and lose her mind. How will her life go on without Bentley??
WHERE is our favorite host? Call him back from PTO because we're about to have a crisis on our hands...
Ashley still has a date with JP...I'm surpised she didn't cancel.
Instead, she puts about zero effort in to the date and can barely even carry on a conversation. JP is worried about her emotional state. He wants to ask her how she's doing then move on. I don't know if she was supposed to make him dinner or what, but they end up having take out...classy. Then she tells him she wants to get in her PJs...he thinks this is a great idea..except that he packed flannels...JP seems nice enough, but he is always the 'ender' in relationships. I don't think this will bode well although he appears to be the most normal and genuine. But that's relative because he still signed up for the Bachelorette. Ashley comes out in her jammies and glasses, it was a little too toned down in my opinion, but she obviously did not care. JP gets a rose, and gets best kiss award over Bentley.
It's cocktail party time and there's no Ashley and the guys are starting to get restless. Ashley drives herself to the party which I thought was odd...she goes up to the framed picture room and loses it when she sees Bentley's photo in there. Finally, Chris Harrison arrives to add some reality to this "reality" show. He asks her the questions she should be asking herself. Are you sure it wasn't just the idea of Bentley? Didn't you come here to take risks? WHY are you so dumb to believe that line he fed you about the dot dot dot crap?! Why are you dwelling over this guys who so easily left when there are other guys that sacrificed just as much to be here, and are still here! Do you think your source was right?! This is reason number 1,692 why she is still single. She was choosing to see what she wanted to see and was enticed by looks and not depth.
Harrison tells her she makes the rules and asks her what she wants to do. She wants no cocktail party. Harrison goes to break the news to the waiting guys. Zorro was hoping for a mask-free cocktail party to tell what new tricks his dog was learning with 3 legs, but must save it. William was hoping to actually say some not so idiotic things to Ashley but didn't get the chance...will this hurt him??
My DVR cut out for some of the rose ceremony, so I'll just say who gets sent home.
Chris and Jeff get the boot. Chris was hoping to marry her, and is pissed at William. Zorro/Jeff throws his mask in the fire in a dramatic ending.
Then in the outtakes we're treated to the bizarre relationship between Bentley and Jeff. Jeff likes to read and discuss the classifieds in his mask and beanie while sitting on the pot. Bentley is fixing his hair in silence amid aforementioned activities with Jeff. Jeff, you absolutely should buy that boat with no motor, seats, or steering wheel. That's a steal in my opinion!
Next week it looks like we'll be in Phuket. Which is kind of what I want to say to this show...
