Dear Long Lost Bachelor/ette fans! I've missed you and am truly sorry for the length of time it has taken me to grace you with my thoughts on this gosh awful show that we all cannot bring ourselves to not watch season after season. Since we're already in week 2, and I did take notes on week 1 but have had 0 time to upload them, I'm simply going to paste my notes so I can catch up to this week's epi.
See below. I'll try to add context where possible, but we all know how random my thought process is sometimes and I literally jot my thoughts down as I'm watching.
Good thing we found out that Ashley is a lyrical dancer. And dances hip hop and likes half tops
My name is Ryan and I'm someone who genuinely wants better for the world. The only thing stronger than the sun is love. I'm looking for someone to light up my soul. (Do I even need to address this statement??)
JP: is he lex Luther from Smallville?
Ames: do you have dentures? For someone who "runs" he looked freaking awkward running down the street. And who's name is Ames, honestly?!
Ben: he's a 215 on the romance scale. Yikes
Ben 2: not attractive, but wounded
Bentley: probably mormon. Did he really name his daughter Cozy. He thinks he's hot sh*t
Anthony: Guido. Did he gets his pointers from Scarface?
West: too bad your story is bogus, totally read about the shadiness behind your wife's death
William: Deep looks in the mirror. Keeping time to his dead father. Honestly that's what I have gathered from his promo...
Ashley's dress is way hotter than she is. She has about zero personality. Here go the drama hands
Ashley: I hope I can find love, but I can't predict the future. (I can.)
Ashley, she knows she's vanilla...aka not that attractive
Past contestant starting drama...bentley wants to promote his job. Chris is flabbergasted? Please...
Ashley: I hope he's ugly?! Please
No regrets. How many time is she going to say it?
I've never seen someone so excited about a fellow dentist
Her whiney voice is ridiculous
Jon put her down. I'm glad you didn't break my dress?
Lucas looks likes he wants to be the future of President of the United States. And he's from Odessa, need I say more?
Ricky: DENIED. I think she would have preferred the slap.
Random Dude: She looks gorgeous in person. (As opposed to on TV?)
The liquor distributor is capital A awkward
Ben: put away the french
Stephen: as a hairstylist you should know you're a bit old for the bieber cut
what was the music mashup for when Chris got out of the limo? Oh it's because he's going to spit some flow...
West, terrible pun on your name. Really broken compass?
Anthony is a chach. Tone down the spray tan. Is he a Guido Joey Tribiani?
Rob: major spikes in the hair. Glad to know you dont have any crowns
Ames brought ballet tickets? Did he leave his cajones in the limo? Better yet I don't think they've dropped
Matt: really a handshake?
Nice wrist tattoo Ash
Jeff: are you zorro? He wanted to take his 'face' out of the game. Is that cuz you're ugly?
Tim the liquor dude doesn't like masks. Thats a weird aversion to be adamant about
Chris is all about the Bentley drama. He's going to be around for a while...ugh, the "Justin" of Ali's season
Ben 2 brought wine. Hero.
Frank looks like korovsky from Glee. Not cute. I know Ashley is Polly pocket size, but why do people keep picking her up
Mike: he's excited about seeing a dentist for the first time. Ash offered to gas him
Chris from Canada, eh. Chris: I don't know you but we have lots in common. Are these people deaf to their own contradictory statements??
Ryan: watches the bachelor and loves it. And brought a canon quick shot. They must need the promos..but what he really wants is a pic with Harrison. He's got to be gay. (I mean, I don't blame him, but that's no way to get brownie points with the lady)
JP looks like a bald, less attractive Heath ledger
Nick: has timberland hair circa 2000. His soul patch helps him write poems from the soul. Stop tanning
Blake: about as interesting as plywood
Bentley: hes awkward and looks like someone smacked the top of his head straight in to his torso. He has no neck
Constantine? I thought you got voted off idol like 5 seasons ago. Ash loves that name? How about a flossing?
Why do they make the ground wet? Her dress is soaked on the bottom. Heard it cost 25k too
Random dude: Ashley looks breath taking. Could see myself marrying her. What is wrong with these people.
Ryan reminds me of Jake Pavelka.
Ben 2 seems normal, but again, the wine is about all that's in his favor.
Let's call my mom. What a weirdo. He probably still lives with Gail. When you 2 decide to forego your separate rooms remember 2 things: your moms are watching and use protection...I feel like I'm on coffee talk with Mike Meyers
Dude with the guitar. Go home. Nice vest and hanky in the pocket. Wait. He just chucked the guitar in the pool. That. Just. Happened.
I hate that guy...from the peanut gallery.
Zorro: This is exactly what I knew would happen. You cover up half your face and all of the sudden you're strange. (Uh yeah. It's not society that has the problem bud)
I'm from the land where uh, is this for real? Tim, liquor distributor, you're a buzz kill
Hey Odessa, stop being such a tool.
Tim kind of reminds me of Jack from Will & Grace. Someone get this dude some water.
Jon, looking for a teammate in life. Really?
Lucas, do any words come out of your mouth besides you're beautiful and I'm glad it's you?
Ben 215. Nice posters. He's weird. His jaws are huge
William: I'm just in sales. Yeah, pretty pathetic. Your Sean Connery impression is terrible. Worst salesman ever. The opposite of what Ashley just said. Omg he just called himself the 30 year old boy. Get out while you can!!! Yikes he sells cell phones. No.....
Tim. Get a grip. Stop being such a weirdo. Drink some coffee. He's that guy. You sell what and spurs? I had a few cocktails... I can relate to wasted opportunities. Can you? Nice bedazzled watch.
Jeff. Are you mature? Are you poised?
Can't take the heat? Get out of the oven. Thanks Frank
Tim is sawing logs by the pool. Hilarious!!!
Jeff/Zorro: first off you look amazing. (I thought this dude was not in to looks? ) To do this you have to have confidence. You're a tool
JP's nickname is cupcake.
Ashley: You know what's funny, I've always wanted the man I marry to call me cupcake. (Is she for real?)
Bentley, not so hot. Michelle had to be the informant, since he's from SLC. Melba toast. How does she think Bentley is so awesome. He's so boring. Although he's not overly attracted to her, he's competitive
First impression rose. Ryan. aka Jake Pavelka
Ashley: I hope you guys are happy it's me...camera pan to bentley. Hah.
Mask gets rose 2
American idol gets 3 (Constantine)
Winery gets 4 (Ben 2)
Odessa (GDub in training) 5
Hair/Stephen 6
Matt/Gail: 7
J Timbo: 8
Chris D: 9
Ryan M (tim's bouncer) 10
Blake (who is he?) 11
Mickey (kiss dodged) 12
Ben 215: 13
West (wife drowned) 14
William: cell phone sales 15
JP: lex Luther 16
Ames "I make more money than you": 17
Producer's choice Bentley: final rose. Obviously has a confidence issue
Anthony don't butcher yourself over it. Bahaha
Rob needs to trim the spikes once he's found himself
Bye bye semper fi. Maybe it was your tie choice. There's other fish in the sea bud. She's not the last girl on the planet
